guilt

As a birth Mom, I have a lot of guilt. I didn't tell anyone, but the birthfather that I was pregnant and even him all I said was I think I am pregnant. I never even took a test. I don't recall seeing the birth father too much past the time I did tell him that I thought I was pregnant.
So I went through the pregnancy without any prenatal care. As a 14 year old, I didn't know how important that was. As far as I am aware she was born healthy. I know she was discharged after she was 24 hours old. The odd thing is that between my three births, she was the only one who came home, only after 24 hours. The other two had to stay a extra day or two. To leave a hospital without your baby after placing a child is enough to make you drop to the floor.
So anyways, back to the guilt. I beat myself up. I lied to my Mom and told her that I had been raped. I didn't even tell her that I was pregnant, until I was in labor. I didn't plan to say what I did, I just did it. Also, at the time, I didn't know that I would lose my child. By the time, she was born, I didn't even know how to locate the birth father and I had forgotten his last name, because it was difficult to say. So I carry guilt, because I called rape. I had just turned 15 before she was born, so he was sleeping with a 14 year old. Maybe it was a crime, but it wasn't rape.
A couple years after she was Todd seen me at my place of employment. He had heard that I placed my baby for adoption. He knew it was his child. I carry guilt, because I barely was willing to talk to him and was actually very afraid of him. I could see the pain in his eyes. I told him very little information and dumb me didn't even find out his last name. I just wanted to get away from him. It didn't help that I was about to be married to someone who didn't know the real truth either. I used to never want to see Todd again. I was angry with him. However, now I am willing to see that me not telling anyone that I was pregnant, he might not have believed me and just thought it was a plea from me so we wouldn't break up.

My biggest guilt that I live with is wondering what Izzy has been told. Did they pass on the information that I told my family? I would hate for Izzy to grow up thinking she was a product of rape. I will be honest that for many, many years, I didn't think of her as a real person who would grow. I just imagined a baby. I worry that Izzy will be very upset if she really thinks I was raped. I also carry a lot of guilt, because I can't tell her who her birth father is. I can't tell her why he didn't stay around. It has taken many years to see that there might be more to it than him just running. My family moved during my pregnancy. So there is a chance that he just didn't know where I was. I have this desire to see him again. First, I want to know his last name, so if Izzy wants to see him, she can. Second, I want answers on what the hell happened. Did he run, because he was too old for me and scared of legal action. Did he just not really know that I was pregnant? Was he just not ready to be a parent? So I guess besides knowing him for Izzy, I want closure. I am still in the same town. I no longer afraid of him. He can't destroy my marriage anymore. Because I told my new husband the whole truth. When I go places, I actually scan the crowds for him. I am looking at people close enough so if I see him. I can confront him.However, not confront him in the way of being mad at him. I want to just get his side and know how to contact him again if Izzy wants to know him. I still feel guilty, because I would not be willing to share information that I know about her. For at least right now, because she is underage. Guilt is right up there with anger it's hard to get past it.

Yesterday, the new phone books came out. Normally this isn't even thought of, but it was different. After I sent the first letter, I wondered would they make their home address and number unlisted. So I checked and they are still in the book. I must not have freaked them out too bad, but then again maybe they thought the damage was already done.
I went ahead and risked a conversation with my sister over my issues that I have been having with my husband. She didn't see where he was coming from. She asked me if I ever received an answer from them. See if I don't bring it up, then she won't. It's okay with me, at least I can bring it up to her. She agrees with writing again, because of not getting a answer to them.

To answer Andrew's Daddies question... Yes I did meet and talk to them. I met them in the hospital. Then I seen them at the court house. Izzy's Dad made a big impression on me, because he hugged me when I was crying, because no one else did. Maybe he was hugging me out of being happy that he was gonna be a Dad, but my heart tells me different. That moment has given me hope that she has a wonderful Dad. In the hospital stay, I am about 90% sure that they promised pictures. I know they told me that she would know that she was adopted and that if she wants me to meet me she can. I am not sure I trust the statement that they would let her know me if she wants. The last time I spoke or talked to them, was when Izzy was still under 6 months old, my aunt took me to bingo and they walked right past us. It was a very weird moment.

My husband always wants me to see adoption from another side of a story. He read a story about a woman who went to a sperm bank and had a child and found out that the man's sperm fathered 55 kids. He doesn't remember where he read it at. So he is using this as one more tool to look at adoption. What I hear him saying is shouldn't the man be just as effected as me, because he gave away his rights to his children.
Well one I don't want to have conversations about adoption with him. I don't think my loss and selling or donating sperm can be compared. If you donate sperm.. I don't think you would be notified that a woman is pregnant, or when the child is born. I don't think a man would sit there and fret about the child's well being and birthdays and feel a huge loss. Maybe I am wrong, but you sold the sperm right? It's not the same as watching your girlfriend stomach grow, watching the birth, holding the baby and loving them. Then to say good bye. I don't think it can be compared. Maybe it would be weird knowing you had bunches of children related by blood. But you wouldn't sit around and think of birthdays and how the child is going to start school.
He keeps saying would I have the right to the child? Could I knock on their door and speak to my child? I know the answer is no to all this in all cases whether it's adoption or selling of sperm. I don't mean any harm to men. I think adoption hurts them too. I just don't think men who donate or sell sperm is walking around carrying the feeling of loss. I just take it as his way of reminding me that I don't have any rights to my daughter and that I should just let her go. He can be such a jerk sometimes.

almost done thinking

I have thought long and hard do I write to Izzy's parents again. I have listed my pros and my cons and what's going through my mind.

Pros
I will always wonder if I don't attempt this letter asking for to write even if it's not what I want to hear.
I am thinking my writing skills have improved and plan on sending a shorter letter.
I could send a few more pictures of my kids. Maybe that will appeal to talk to me for the kids sakes.
When I discuss Izzy with my kids, I want to explain that I have tried to reach out.
The last letter was in Oct. I have not called them, sat outside of their house, or attempted to locate Izzy. I have not been to her school. I am hoping they can take all that into consideration and know that I will not do something stupid.
The last time, I used a p.o. box. I could use my home address and maybe that will help them feel like I trust them.
If they respond it will help me discuss Izzy with my kids and I think it will help me feel a little less angry towards her parents.

Cons

My husband will not approve and I plan on not telling him. I am the only one who really checks the mail. I know it's wrong, but I just can't deal with listening him tell me to get over it.
I am afraid that her parents will look at contact as me not keeping my word.
I plan on keeping the fact that I sent the letter all to myself in my real life, except my friend who I already told. She didn't tell me what she thought. I didn't ask her what she thought either though.
rejection by ignoring me again will hurt even more this time.
rejection by answering me and telling me to bug off is going to hurt too.

That's all that comes to mind right now. Anyone else have any 2 cents to add that would be cool. I am going to sit on this for a couple more days, because I have to print up some pictures. However, I admit that I already wrote the letter. But I plan on revising it a little. Short and sweet. My last letter was sweet, but was four pages long.. is that where I went wrong?

description paper

I had to write a paper describing three items. I had to try really hard to keep a story line out of the paragraphs describing the object. I also has to keep it objective as much as possible. It had to be written in the 3rd person. I am only in English 101 so I need to learn more.

Description paper

A Polaroid shot, a 4 by 6 picture and a scrap book, are three items she keeps close to her heart. She became a Mother, at a young age, to a baby girl. She was only allowed to be her parent for the first day of her life. She was coerced into believing adoption was the only answer. She went on with life. However she felt like part of her died, the pain of losing a child causes emotional pain, it makes her want to curl up and never wake up again. The baby has grown from being a baby, to a young child, to a teenager and now near legal age. The Polaroid shot, the 4 by 6 picture and the scrap book help the Mother feel a connection to the child she lost.

The Polaroid shot is an item that the she has kept for many years to help her remember her baby. The Mother is in a hospital gown and looks distraught. The baby girl’s hair is dark and full. She is wrapped in a blanket that was soft as a bunny’s tail. (simile) On the bottom of the Polaroid is the name Izzy and September 12, 1991 at 2:00 pm. The Polaroid is stored in the closet hidden away. It looks aged and has smudges on it. The Polaroid of herself and her baby helps keep the memories of being Mom to the baby fresh in her mind. It reminds her of the love, attachment, and warmth that she felt for Izzy as a baby (Rhetorical device love attachment and warmth)

Just like the Polaroid, the 4 by 6 picture helps the mother feel connected to her lost

child, because she can see herself through her child’s eyes. The picture started off as a wallet size, so it is a little fuzzy. The picture is in a wooden frame in the hallway along with her other children’s pictures. The little girl has long dark hair like her Mother. She is wearing a flowered dress and her knees and legs are exposed. She appears to be a tall child. She is surrounded by trees in full summer bloom. The name Izzy is in bold print across her dress.

The scrap book is helping the mother feel connected to her lost child, because she is using the book tell the story of the Mother’s life to her girl. The scrap book is a 3 and half inch binder and is blue. There are 25 pages of memories of the Mother’s life that she has compiled. The pages are 8 inches by 11 inches. It is an assortment of white and colored pages; some of them have pictures of the Mother and other people that are important to her. A few of the pages are just a form of art to express her thoughts and some have letters written to the girl. The book is wrapped in plastic to protect it and so is each individual page. Of all the pictures in the book, not even one is of the girl. What a wonderful world I live in. When the scrap book pages get turned, it sounds very similar to the sounds of a photo album. Ironia ( Of all the pictures, in the book, not even one is of the girl. What a wonderful world I live in.

The Polaroid, the 4 by six picture and the scrap book does not hold any significance to most people, but for the Mother they are an important part of her history. They help the Mother remember the child who grew up without her. All three items enable the Mother to feel a special connection to the girl. Her biggest dream is to meet her, show her the two pictures and give her the scrapbook of memories to keep. She hopes she can tell her that she was never forgotten. Most people do not understand how she can truly love this child that she did not raise, but her answer is how can she not love her? She loved her from the start and separating the two of them did not end their connection. If anything good comes out of their separation, it might just be that it will intensify their bond, love and connection that they have for one another.

I know I said I would not write them again, but after reading Andrew's Daddies comment on my last post, it really got me thinking about maybe I should write one more letter, after all how would I know that they received it. I think discussing Izzy with my children would make it so much easier if they would just open up their hearts a little. I am not asking for the world, just a little compassion. I know her Dad has compassion in him. I will never forget the day he hugged me as I cried. Maybe it wasn't compassion, but he was happy for himself, but I don't think so.
I carry a lot of anger for her adoptive parents. I admit it is not as bad since I have been visiting adoptive parents blogs, but it is still there. I think if they could get past their fears and allow themselves to write and send a letter, just maybe the anger will go away. I really need the peace of mind. So I have decided that I am going to take a week and really think about writing them. I already decided if I do write them that I am going to keep it short and simple. Maybe include a picture of two sons. After all what is the worst that can happen right? Besides selling their house and moving.. all they can do is ignore me just like they already did. Don't worry if I write it is only sugar and spice.. no anger did or would come through.

I haven't posted anything in a week and that is a long time for me. Sometimes I have things on my mind, but when I try writing about the stuff, it comes off so boring.
I checked the mail this past week to see if Izzy's parents had a change of heart. I don't go there very often, but this was the first time that I didn't have a ounce of hope. I have given up and accepted that they won't write, however because of the what ifs I can't totally ignore checking the mail. So when I looked into a empty box, it was not a surprise that it empty. I still don't understand how anyone who adopts a child could be so cruel to not even write one single letter back. Why couldn't they just write. Izzy is doing well and we don't want to talk to you. That would show a little more compassion than just doing nothing. I told them if they did not want to correspond with me that I wouldn't write them back. So I will keep my promise and won't write again. I do sometimes wonder is there a chance that they did not get it? I did not send it certified mail, so it would not draw attention. I did not get the letter back, so I am pretty sure they received it. I do wonder did they share with Izzy the picture of myself? Did they share with her the information that I have two boys. Or did they just throw the letter out and hope I keep my word? I wonder did they at least keep my contact information?

I have issues on my mind when it comes to my kids. How much do I tell them about Izzy? My older son knows the most, because my ex told him. Do I tell my son that I have photocopied pictures from a year book and that she lives a 1/2 mile from him? Passing that information on seems to be really mean. But what if I don't pass the information on and he meets her? Or worse off they become more than friends? Well lets not hope for that one since my son is only 14 years of age, but we all know kids have sex, before parents want them to.

Another thing going on in my life is that my client's grand daughter is in China right now adopting a boy. They already adopted a girl from China about 3 or 4 years ago. She is five now. She is a smart, cute little girl. I was not around when they adopted her, so even as a Birthmom I did not think of the process much. But with me being around my clients a lot. I am really thinking about the whole picture. The birthparents have already been apart from the boy, because he is older. I feel their pain. The little boy is living in a foster home and I just want to cry for him. Here comes these strange people who look different and they just pay all the money, do the paperwork and take him away. I just can't get the image of a strangers taking this poor child away. The couple is excited and the daughter is excited to get a brother. My client is afraid he won't sleep for two weeks, because they took the daughter back to China and he feels someone might steal her for money. So for the next two weeks and more, I will be thinking a lot about this poor child and this growing family. I am sure it's for the best, because he is living in foster homes, but the beginning is going to be so scary for him.