I erased my other blog. I didn't like it, but I think it's for the best. I believe I transferred most of the posts that cover my story. I didn't feel like copying every single post.
The only thing that I don't think I have covered is the fact that I wrote the adoptive parents a letter asking for a picture and little bits of information on what she is like and how she is doing. I prepared myself for the worst when I sent it out, but I hoped for the best. It never crossed my mind that they would totally just ignore me. I figure the worst they could say was no we don't want to give you a picture, and we don't want to talk to you. I didn't get that such reply. It's been over three months and nothing has came from them. I still check about every other week, but really have accepted that they won't write. I however can't stop checking, because the what if's. So by not writing me they have caused me more heart ache. Maybe heart ache is a strong choice of words. It's more about the disappointment that the people that are raising her seem to be so selfish. I guess they must have a lot of fear. I am sure there is the chance that something screw ball happened and they didn't get the letter. I really don't think that's the case though. The letter didn't come back to me. I suppose I won't find out, because I told them I wouldn't contact them again if they choose not to correspond with me.
There is a story in the Rockford Register Star about a adoption that was fought and the child went back and forth. My husband decides to read this story to me. Which causes my son to get Izzy's picture off the wall, and compare the two of us. My husband said you should see the most recent pictures of her. I don't know why he had to say that. I don't feel like it's in my sons best interest to have a idea on what she looks like, because they do live in the same area. I don't need him coming up to her.. Hey Izzy.. I am your brother. He is only 14 and doesn't always think things through. For right now, I just told him that I didn't have pictures on me.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Brittany
I mentioned earlier in my blog that my sister was pregnant at the same time, but no one really knew that my parents had two pregnant teenagers, because judging by my moms reaction to my sister's pregnancy I didn't tell anyone.
My sister had her baby, Brittany, 29 days before I had Ashley. Brittany was premature. I don't remember how many weeks, but I suspect at least a month early. If I remember right she weighed about 4 lbs. She required medical treatment before she came home.
Brittany was always a reminder of my daughter. They were so close in age. I was sad that they didn't get to grow up together as cousins. I was never angry towards Brittany or my sister, but other pregnant women and babies I didn't like. Brittany did remind me of what I lost though. A lot of things she was learning to do. Ashley was probably learning to do. I didn't see a whole lot of Brittany, but I enjoyed seeing her. I loved to buy her stuff when I could. Brittany's birthday has always been a reminder that Ashley's is coming up. Out of all 4 of my nieces hers in the easiest to remember. Sometimes I can't help but think of Ashley when I see Brittany. When Brittany was acting up as a teenager. It makes me wonder if my daughter raising hell? It even brings a smile to my face. lol Not that I want her to give her parents a hard time.
Do I ever wonder if Ashley's fate would have been different if there wasn't two babies in such a short time? Sometimes I do wonder? My sister got to keep Brittany, but had to live with our Dad. She was a year and half older than me. She had Brittany's Dad still in her life, even though he wasn't the best. Sometimes I look at my sister and Brittany and wonder how come I couldn't have kept Ashley? Does a year and half really make that big of a difference when it comes to being able to take care of a baby. I do wonder what would have happen if I told. But I am not upset with my sister or Brittany. Am I jealous of my sister? Sometimes I am. She was a young mother, and fought my Mom. She got to keep her baby, and I didn't fight our mom, and I lost my baby. Enough for now.
My sister had her baby, Brittany, 29 days before I had Ashley. Brittany was premature. I don't remember how many weeks, but I suspect at least a month early. If I remember right she weighed about 4 lbs. She required medical treatment before she came home.
Brittany was always a reminder of my daughter. They were so close in age. I was sad that they didn't get to grow up together as cousins. I was never angry towards Brittany or my sister, but other pregnant women and babies I didn't like. Brittany did remind me of what I lost though. A lot of things she was learning to do. Ashley was probably learning to do. I didn't see a whole lot of Brittany, but I enjoyed seeing her. I loved to buy her stuff when I could. Brittany's birthday has always been a reminder that Ashley's is coming up. Out of all 4 of my nieces hers in the easiest to remember. Sometimes I can't help but think of Ashley when I see Brittany. When Brittany was acting up as a teenager. It makes me wonder if my daughter raising hell? It even brings a smile to my face. lol Not that I want her to give her parents a hard time.
Do I ever wonder if Ashley's fate would have been different if there wasn't two babies in such a short time? Sometimes I do wonder? My sister got to keep Brittany, but had to live with our Dad. She was a year and half older than me. She had Brittany's Dad still in her life, even though he wasn't the best. Sometimes I look at my sister and Brittany and wonder how come I couldn't have kept Ashley? Does a year and half really make that big of a difference when it comes to being able to take care of a baby. I do wonder what would have happen if I told. But I am not upset with my sister or Brittany. Am I jealous of my sister? Sometimes I am. She was a young mother, and fought my Mom. She got to keep her baby, and I didn't fight our mom, and I lost my baby. Enough for now.
more transfers
On my way to the hospital, my Aunt Mary told me of this couple, who couldn't have kids, and they wanted to adopt, and that maybe they could adopt the baby, and sort of her her in the family. I met them both the day, Izzy was born. I am not going to mention their names. I didn't suddenly love them, but I didn't see nothing bad about them, and what can you really learn in a short visit.
I agreed that they could adopt her. Looking back on that time, I only knew their names, and that they lived in the same city, I did at the time. That they were friends of my aunts. Also they couldn't have kids. I imagined my daughter one day would go to the same middle school that I was in.
Some of my memories have faded, and I am not 100% sure of what was told to me by them. I am 100% sure that I asked them to leave her name as I named her, and they agreed. I know for fact they left her first name the same, but don't know about her middle name. I know they told me that she would know she was adopted, and if she wanted to know me, then they would let her. They really were not clear on if they meant if she was under age, or when she became legal age. I took it as if she was under age, and wanted to know me then they would allow it. I am about 95% sure they said they would give pictures through my Aunt Mary. I don't know if I only heard what I wanted to hear, and they didn't say that. They did however give one little picture of her, before the adoption was final. Which makes me think they did say they would send pictures. I am trying to let go of the anger about the lack of pictures, but it's not easy. The whole time I didn't have anyone looking out for me. My mom wasn't around, and my Dad never showed up at the hospital. I did have a social worker who kept asking are you sure you want to do this, but she never helped me find a way to do raise her.
As I mentioned on another post, that they were at the court house when I signed the tpr paperwork. The soon to be mom didn't make a big impression on me. She didn't make a bad impression on me either. I do remember that she has puffy hair, and I thought Ashley would stand out. The soon to be Dad made a better impression on me. I was crying and no one was coming to comfort me, and he gave me a hug, and just held me for a couple minutes. To this day, I don't know if he was hugging me to comfort me or because he was happy that he was getting a daughter. He made a lasting impression on me. That day it gave me some peace knowing she would have a great Dad. If I close my eyes I can see both of them.
About a month or so after she was born, my Aunt Mary took me to Bingo to get me out of the house. We ran into them. My aunt should have known better as this place was a place they all went. It was very weird, but not totally upsetting. They later on after the adoption moved away to another state to prevent accidental meetings. They thought it would be to weird. Those were my aunt's words many years ago. It was a little odd that she took me out of the house to escape my sadness, and to run into them. I remember thinking why weren't they home with her.
That ends my memories of how her parents came to be. I hope they have been great parents, and will continue to be. I hope they treated her good, and didn't talk about adoption as it is/was a dirty word. I only have my what ifs, because it's all I have been allowed to have. I was put under the rug, and I guess that's okay if that's what they felt like they needed to do. All I can hope for is that Izzy isn't under the rug too. Bye all.
I agreed that they could adopt her. Looking back on that time, I only knew their names, and that they lived in the same city, I did at the time. That they were friends of my aunts. Also they couldn't have kids. I imagined my daughter one day would go to the same middle school that I was in.
Some of my memories have faded, and I am not 100% sure of what was told to me by them. I am 100% sure that I asked them to leave her name as I named her, and they agreed. I know for fact they left her first name the same, but don't know about her middle name. I know they told me that she would know she was adopted, and if she wanted to know me, then they would let her. They really were not clear on if they meant if she was under age, or when she became legal age. I took it as if she was under age, and wanted to know me then they would allow it. I am about 95% sure they said they would give pictures through my Aunt Mary. I don't know if I only heard what I wanted to hear, and they didn't say that. They did however give one little picture of her, before the adoption was final. Which makes me think they did say they would send pictures. I am trying to let go of the anger about the lack of pictures, but it's not easy. The whole time I didn't have anyone looking out for me. My mom wasn't around, and my Dad never showed up at the hospital. I did have a social worker who kept asking are you sure you want to do this, but she never helped me find a way to do raise her.
As I mentioned on another post, that they were at the court house when I signed the tpr paperwork. The soon to be mom didn't make a big impression on me. She didn't make a bad impression on me either. I do remember that she has puffy hair, and I thought Ashley would stand out. The soon to be Dad made a better impression on me. I was crying and no one was coming to comfort me, and he gave me a hug, and just held me for a couple minutes. To this day, I don't know if he was hugging me to comfort me or because he was happy that he was getting a daughter. He made a lasting impression on me. That day it gave me some peace knowing she would have a great Dad. If I close my eyes I can see both of them.
About a month or so after she was born, my Aunt Mary took me to Bingo to get me out of the house. We ran into them. My aunt should have known better as this place was a place they all went. It was very weird, but not totally upsetting. They later on after the adoption moved away to another state to prevent accidental meetings. They thought it would be to weird. Those were my aunt's words many years ago. It was a little odd that she took me out of the house to escape my sadness, and to run into them. I remember thinking why weren't they home with her.
That ends my memories of how her parents came to be. I hope they have been great parents, and will continue to be. I hope they treated her good, and didn't talk about adoption as it is/was a dirty word. I only have my what ifs, because it's all I have been allowed to have. I was put under the rug, and I guess that's okay if that's what they felt like they needed to do. All I can hope for is that Izzy isn't under the rug too. Bye all.
Transfer from old blog
have mentioned that my Aunt was good friends with the couple that adopted my daughter. My Mom and us kids were living in her basement shortly after my baby was born. Her husband put up some walls, and we had our own private living space, but no kitchen and bathroom. It was better than staying in the motel room. It did however have it's disadvantages too though. My aunt was a constant reminder of where my baby girl went and she was pregnant too.
I have a few memories of my Aunt and Uncle trying to help me, but it always back fired. My Uncle would come downstairs. (that's where the washer and dryer was) He would find me crying and try to ask what was wrong. He didn't have much patience for me and would get upset with me because, I was causing too much trouble. How was I sitting in my living room causing trouble for them? I don't know. I do give him credit for trying to help, but he didn't know how to help.
My aunt once took me to play Bingo to get me out of the house. Boy did that ever back fire. We ran into Izzy's parents. What a shock. That didn't take my mind off of things, but she tried. It was poor planning on her part, because I am sure she knew that this was a hangout for them too.
When I first had Izzy, my aunt promised, she would take pictures of her, because they were friends. As a young teenager, I didn't know she didn't have the right to make that kind of promise to me.
In the 17 years, I have only gotten two pictures. One was before the adoption was final. As far as I know it was for me, but the second picture, from when she was a little older wasn't for me. I have been upset with her, because she didn't keep her word. It took me quite a long time to realize she didn't have the right to say she would give me pictures. Every so often, I would ask her to try again and the answer was always no. Up until the year, the last time I asked her to ask must have been around the year 2000 or so. That was when I had my second son. The answer she came back with was no and they said they are thinking of coming back to the state, but if she is going to cause trouble then we won't. I always felt like I was this evil person, because I asked for a picture. What kind of trouble am I causing by wanting to see a picture. Is it the reminder that they didn't bring her into this world bother them?
My husband asked her for me a few months ago. The answer was no. That she is well off, and wants to meet me when she is 18 years of age. I have no way if it's some sick game she plays to get us of her back. Then I resorted to writing the letter. Will post about that some other day.
As I have really done some thinking about the whole situation with my aunt. She isn't a person that I could ever have good feelings about anymore. There is too much anger. I will say this though. There is no way I can forgive her for telling me something that she knew better about promising. I am 32 years of age, and I know that I can't promise pictures of someone else's kid to someone else. With all that aside. I am willing to see how she really put herself in a bad spot. She made herself the middle man for a adoption. I don't see her the same way anymore. There is a good chance that Ashley's parents don't see her the same way anymore. She probably has felt really uncomfortable having to ask pictures for me, and feeling stuck in the middle. They might not be as good as friends as they were before the adoption.
I tried at first to keep in contact with my Aunt, because she was my connection to Izzy. It however became too painful, and I was just satisfied that my Mom was in contact with her. I just wished her parents had a little more trust in me, and know that I am not going to do anything to cause them trouble. All I really wanted was to be able to see my daughter grow from the sidelines. (Meaning pictures and little bits of information) Just wanted a little peace of mind. Is that really too much to ask for.
I once had to give away a dog. We moved and couldn't keep her anymore. It made me really sad. The people who took her for us let us come and visit the dog. We did that once and that was enough to sastify my need to see that she was being taken care of. If someone can adopt a dog, and show compassion, then how come parents that adopt can't show some compassion too.
This whole dog discussion is off the subject of adoption, but oh well. A little over a year ago, we bought our first house. I was able to get my dog of choice, because we had the space now. That is a black lab, her name is Ann. I think of her as my reward for buying my house.
I only have four more weeks left of school, so I may have to slow down on writing to focus on school work. Bye all.
I have a few memories of my Aunt and Uncle trying to help me, but it always back fired. My Uncle would come downstairs. (that's where the washer and dryer was) He would find me crying and try to ask what was wrong. He didn't have much patience for me and would get upset with me because, I was causing too much trouble. How was I sitting in my living room causing trouble for them? I don't know. I do give him credit for trying to help, but he didn't know how to help.
My aunt once took me to play Bingo to get me out of the house. Boy did that ever back fire. We ran into Izzy's parents. What a shock. That didn't take my mind off of things, but she tried. It was poor planning on her part, because I am sure she knew that this was a hangout for them too.
When I first had Izzy, my aunt promised, she would take pictures of her, because they were friends. As a young teenager, I didn't know she didn't have the right to make that kind of promise to me.
In the 17 years, I have only gotten two pictures. One was before the adoption was final. As far as I know it was for me, but the second picture, from when she was a little older wasn't for me. I have been upset with her, because she didn't keep her word. It took me quite a long time to realize she didn't have the right to say she would give me pictures. Every so often, I would ask her to try again and the answer was always no. Up until the year, the last time I asked her to ask must have been around the year 2000 or so. That was when I had my second son. The answer she came back with was no and they said they are thinking of coming back to the state, but if she is going to cause trouble then we won't. I always felt like I was this evil person, because I asked for a picture. What kind of trouble am I causing by wanting to see a picture. Is it the reminder that they didn't bring her into this world bother them?
My husband asked her for me a few months ago. The answer was no. That she is well off, and wants to meet me when she is 18 years of age. I have no way if it's some sick game she plays to get us of her back. Then I resorted to writing the letter. Will post about that some other day.
As I have really done some thinking about the whole situation with my aunt. She isn't a person that I could ever have good feelings about anymore. There is too much anger. I will say this though. There is no way I can forgive her for telling me something that she knew better about promising. I am 32 years of age, and I know that I can't promise pictures of someone else's kid to someone else. With all that aside. I am willing to see how she really put herself in a bad spot. She made herself the middle man for a adoption. I don't see her the same way anymore. There is a good chance that Ashley's parents don't see her the same way anymore. She probably has felt really uncomfortable having to ask pictures for me, and feeling stuck in the middle. They might not be as good as friends as they were before the adoption.
I tried at first to keep in contact with my Aunt, because she was my connection to Izzy. It however became too painful, and I was just satisfied that my Mom was in contact with her. I just wished her parents had a little more trust in me, and know that I am not going to do anything to cause them trouble. All I really wanted was to be able to see my daughter grow from the sidelines. (Meaning pictures and little bits of information) Just wanted a little peace of mind. Is that really too much to ask for.
I once had to give away a dog. We moved and couldn't keep her anymore. It made me really sad. The people who took her for us let us come and visit the dog. We did that once and that was enough to sastify my need to see that she was being taken care of. If someone can adopt a dog, and show compassion, then how come parents that adopt can't show some compassion too.
This whole dog discussion is off the subject of adoption, but oh well. A little over a year ago, we bought our first house. I was able to get my dog of choice, because we had the space now. That is a black lab, her name is Ann. I think of her as my reward for buying my house.
I only have four more weeks left of school, so I may have to slow down on writing to focus on school work. Bye all.
grieving the loss of a baby?
Was I able to grieve the loss of my baby way back then? I was a ninth grader in school. I received six weeks off from school,but I was home schooled. I had support from the school. The crisis counselor arranged counseling for an agency to come see me at school.The school counselors checked up on me often. They were there for me when I found out the couple moved out of state. They let me sit in the class of the home school teacher, after I about attacked someone, because they yelled at me. I continued after I finished the 9Th grade, but I don't remember how much longer. I remember us meeting at McDonald's and me having to feel like I was hiding something when I went to counseling so I fired her. I told her that I didn't need her anymore.
The first year without my daughter, I did lots of trying to write letters to her and crying. I was yelled at on a couple occasions by a relative, because of my crying. He started off asking what's the matter to yelling at me, because I was causing trouble for his wife. These people were related to my Mom and that's where we ended up living shortly after Izzy was born.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't think birthmothers go through one grieving process. We grieve for every event the adoptive parents celebrate. When the adoptive parents are bragging about their child learning how to walk, deep down somewhere I was thinking how my daughter was probably walking by now and sad that I didn't see it happen. I got very sick that first year, I suffered from gall stones, and went without treatment, because no one would see past the depression that I must have from having to admit that I had a pregnancy and not raising a baby.
I no longer grieve the loss of that baby. I grieve that I wasn't there for her 17Th birthday party. I was driving my kids to their Dad's and the day after her birthday there were tons of cars at their house. I witnessed the love of friends and family by cars, but I was just a car on the road. We can't quit grieving. Just for the record.. I do drive past her parents house, but only to drop or pick up kids, because they live 1/2 mile away. I do look over there, but mostly I am no more than any other car on the road. I only go past there when I have to pick up or drop off kids.
Fast forward to the present. My older son goes to the same school that I went to when I was a 9Th grader. I haven't had the courage to walk those halls again. I don't know if I ever will. One thing that is weird is that I remember when my daughter was placed for adoption, I knew what city the aparents lived in. I thought well at least she will walk in the same halls that I once did. It wouldn't be till she was a 7Th grader. But ya know what, because they moved back, she did walk in the same halls as me. My son is walking in the same halls as Izzy did, and I can't even go back.
On a positive note, I was afraid that Izzy and my son would be at the same school next year. He would be a 9Th grader and she will a 12 grader. The school district has decided to make a 9Th grade campus, so the high school next year will only be 10Th through 12Th.
So I think yes I did grieve for the baby, but I am still grieving the loss of the young woman Izzy is becoming. I have missed everything.
I know that on all sides of adoption their is grief. When most adopt it's because they can't carry a baby to term. I can't begin to understand that. I have read that for some the grief of not being able to be pregnant and give birth disappears after you have a baby in your arms, and you take care of that baby as it grows up. For us birthparents we don't have a good alternative to our original problem.
The first year without my daughter, I did lots of trying to write letters to her and crying. I was yelled at on a couple occasions by a relative, because of my crying. He started off asking what's the matter to yelling at me, because I was causing trouble for his wife. These people were related to my Mom and that's where we ended up living shortly after Izzy was born.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't think birthmothers go through one grieving process. We grieve for every event the adoptive parents celebrate. When the adoptive parents are bragging about their child learning how to walk, deep down somewhere I was thinking how my daughter was probably walking by now and sad that I didn't see it happen. I got very sick that first year, I suffered from gall stones, and went without treatment, because no one would see past the depression that I must have from having to admit that I had a pregnancy and not raising a baby.
I no longer grieve the loss of that baby. I grieve that I wasn't there for her 17Th birthday party. I was driving my kids to their Dad's and the day after her birthday there were tons of cars at their house. I witnessed the love of friends and family by cars, but I was just a car on the road. We can't quit grieving. Just for the record.. I do drive past her parents house, but only to drop or pick up kids, because they live 1/2 mile away. I do look over there, but mostly I am no more than any other car on the road. I only go past there when I have to pick up or drop off kids.
Fast forward to the present. My older son goes to the same school that I went to when I was a 9Th grader. I haven't had the courage to walk those halls again. I don't know if I ever will. One thing that is weird is that I remember when my daughter was placed for adoption, I knew what city the aparents lived in. I thought well at least she will walk in the same halls that I once did. It wouldn't be till she was a 7Th grader. But ya know what, because they moved back, she did walk in the same halls as me. My son is walking in the same halls as Izzy did, and I can't even go back.
On a positive note, I was afraid that Izzy and my son would be at the same school next year. He would be a 9Th grader and she will a 12 grader. The school district has decided to make a 9Th grade campus, so the high school next year will only be 10Th through 12Th.
So I think yes I did grieve for the baby, but I am still grieving the loss of the young woman Izzy is becoming. I have missed everything.
I know that on all sides of adoption their is grief. When most adopt it's because they can't carry a baby to term. I can't begin to understand that. I have read that for some the grief of not being able to be pregnant and give birth disappears after you have a baby in your arms, and you take care of that baby as it grows up. For us birthparents we don't have a good alternative to our original problem.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Last weekend I met with a teacher that taught me when I was a teenager. I really love and respect her. The sound of her voice lifts my spirit. I have kept in contact with her off and one again though the years, but I admit mostly off again. I am not sure where a lady older than my Mom fits in my life. I sat with her for four hours. We can be friends, but I don't think it's the same as a friend my age. In a weird sense though, I felt more welcomed to talk to her about my life and my daughter. We talked about the adoption and other stuff. I didn't feel judged, but I do feel she was trying to give me some messages. One of the messages, I am not sure if it was general or she was speaking of me.
I spent a lot of time complaining about my anger issues concerning my Mom. Sometime during the talk, she mentioned that times have changed and people don't pay for the consequences of life anymore. She used the example of some drinking and driving or speeding, and using a lawyer and instead of getting a ticket, or going to jail the lawyer gets them off.
I got to thinking was she referring to me taking responsibility, because I got pregnant. Was it her way of saying that I shouldn't be mad at my Mom, because I had sex. She doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so I am wondering was that her way of saying, don't be mad at your Mom.
Another story she told me is that when she first bought her house 29 years ago, after they signed the papers, they found a lot of stuff wrong, so her husband suggests they go see a house parade. So they went to see lots of beautiful houses, and then came home to their broken house. She told him that the next time they take a tour of houses that she wants to go see the crappiest house, so her house feels like a castle. She said to appreciate what I have a husband and my boys. Was that her way of saying, you have two boys don't be upset. Although at the same time, she did say that when I need to cry, go in my bedroom and cry. I feel like it was a good visit, but if someone has 4 kids, and one dies would you say that you have three left.
The visit overall was really good. I plan on keeping her in my life. I wonder though if I had my Mom in my life would I seek her out. So maybe I am seeking a new Mom.
I spent a lot of time complaining about my anger issues concerning my Mom. Sometime during the talk, she mentioned that times have changed and people don't pay for the consequences of life anymore. She used the example of some drinking and driving or speeding, and using a lawyer and instead of getting a ticket, or going to jail the lawyer gets them off.
I got to thinking was she referring to me taking responsibility, because I got pregnant. Was it her way of saying that I shouldn't be mad at my Mom, because I had sex. She doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so I am wondering was that her way of saying, don't be mad at your Mom.
Another story she told me is that when she first bought her house 29 years ago, after they signed the papers, they found a lot of stuff wrong, so her husband suggests they go see a house parade. So they went to see lots of beautiful houses, and then came home to their broken house. She told him that the next time they take a tour of houses that she wants to go see the crappiest house, so her house feels like a castle. She said to appreciate what I have a husband and my boys. Was that her way of saying, you have two boys don't be upset. Although at the same time, she did say that when I need to cry, go in my bedroom and cry. I feel like it was a good visit, but if someone has 4 kids, and one dies would you say that you have three left.
The visit overall was really good. I plan on keeping her in my life. I wonder though if I had my Mom in my life would I seek her out. So maybe I am seeking a new Mom.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I spent quite a bit of time this past weekend away from my husband. I did a late night shopping trip, and spent time with a old friend, which he said is silly. I just wished he would understand that I am not him. He may think having a friend other than me and my Dad is silly, but hey it's what I like. I don't tell him it's silly to drink coffee or ramble on and on about his job. Okay today when he was complaining, I had him on speaker phone, and put the phone on the cat. Normally I would deal with his crap, just by listening, but I am tired of what I do being called silly, dumb or stupid. I look at it this way. I like having a medium size dog. Someone else might he happy with a lap dog. I wouldn't tell them that they have a wimpy dog.
Well so anyways, he thinks adoption is causing trouble in our marriage, and he does he call. He calls my Mom and has her on speaker phone. He tells her that he has some serious questions to ask her? He said, " What happened to the baby?" Why was she adopted" She said, "You will have to talk to your wife" He said, I have but I want your side of it. she said, " It was your wife's choice" I am thinking. lieing bitch but stay quiet.
she goes on to say how that "your wife didn't tell anyone that she was pregant until she was in labor and that it was because of rape" Okay she got me there, I did lie. So she goes on to say that she didn't see me pregnant because I was fat. Bitch again, I wasn't fat. she said " She wore big clothes to cover it. Okay got me there, but I wore the same shirt for 6 months, it was all that would fit me. Don't get gross it got washed.
So he says how did your sister's friends end up with the baby? she said, " they asked her" That is true and since adoption was pushed on me, I agreed to them. But he says why them? She said. "they couldn't have kids, treatments failed, and they hadn't had any luck finding a baby"
So he says, "I want to know where you are coming from.. how does it feel to not know your grandchildren.. This appears to be mistake on words, but more of the real truth, because she doesn't pay any attention to my kids. She said, how do you think it would make you feel? He said, I don't know. I don't have grandchildren.
She said, "Well you can't dwell on it for 18 years. fuck you Mom it's been 17 years. She then says that it don't bother her, because she knows how she went to a good home" Then she said, I am not going to talk to you anymore, and hung up.
I started to cry a little. Fuck you Mom.. You can't even take a little blame or say how maybe you made a mistake or maybe your a little sorry. Oh and we can't forget she said you can't force someone to give up a baby. the fuck you can't.
So yesterday at work, I wrote my Mom a really really mean letter. Do I send it? I really feel like doing it. I want her to hurt. I am afraid that it could cause me more harm than good. See if she talks and it gets back to Izzy's parents that I am angry and hurt and seem high maintance, then maybe they won't give their consent for her to meet me. In my state the adoptees and birthparents don't have a say until the child is 21 years of age.
Also at work, I worked quite a big on my scrap book. It gives me mostly pleasure, but when I was including a letter about my son to her than it hit me. Why can't my daughter already be his sister. Why if she had to be adopted to we have to live totally seperate lives. Why Why Why my biggest question to my Mom is how do you know she went to a good home? She made it sound like it was as casual as sending my dog off to a good home. Even that would make me cry.
Well so anyways, he thinks adoption is causing trouble in our marriage, and he does he call. He calls my Mom and has her on speaker phone. He tells her that he has some serious questions to ask her? He said, " What happened to the baby?" Why was she adopted" She said, "You will have to talk to your wife" He said, I have but I want your side of it. she said, " It was your wife's choice" I am thinking. lieing bitch but stay quiet.
she goes on to say how that "your wife didn't tell anyone that she was pregant until she was in labor and that it was because of rape" Okay she got me there, I did lie. So she goes on to say that she didn't see me pregnant because I was fat. Bitch again, I wasn't fat. she said " She wore big clothes to cover it. Okay got me there, but I wore the same shirt for 6 months, it was all that would fit me. Don't get gross it got washed.
So he says how did your sister's friends end up with the baby? she said, " they asked her" That is true and since adoption was pushed on me, I agreed to them. But he says why them? She said. "they couldn't have kids, treatments failed, and they hadn't had any luck finding a baby"
So he says, "I want to know where you are coming from.. how does it feel to not know your grandchildren.. This appears to be mistake on words, but more of the real truth, because she doesn't pay any attention to my kids. She said, how do you think it would make you feel? He said, I don't know. I don't have grandchildren.
She said, "Well you can't dwell on it for 18 years. fuck you Mom it's been 17 years. She then says that it don't bother her, because she knows how she went to a good home" Then she said, I am not going to talk to you anymore, and hung up.
I started to cry a little. Fuck you Mom.. You can't even take a little blame or say how maybe you made a mistake or maybe your a little sorry. Oh and we can't forget she said you can't force someone to give up a baby. the fuck you can't.
So yesterday at work, I wrote my Mom a really really mean letter. Do I send it? I really feel like doing it. I want her to hurt. I am afraid that it could cause me more harm than good. See if she talks and it gets back to Izzy's parents that I am angry and hurt and seem high maintance, then maybe they won't give their consent for her to meet me. In my state the adoptees and birthparents don't have a say until the child is 21 years of age.
Also at work, I worked quite a big on my scrap book. It gives me mostly pleasure, but when I was including a letter about my son to her than it hit me. Why can't my daughter already be his sister. Why if she had to be adopted to we have to live totally seperate lives. Why Why Why my biggest question to my Mom is how do you know she went to a good home? She made it sound like it was as casual as sending my dog off to a good home. Even that would make me cry.
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