question

My husband and I have been doing a lot of fighting. Sometimes I think he is pulling stuff out of his hat to just pick a fight.
A little information to start with. My husband's son is gay and has been in a relationship for five years. I have known my husband's son for all of these five years and I accept him and his boyfriend. Here is where he argued with me.
He told me that I don't accept his son. I haven't supported him being gay. My husband doesn't have any issues with his son being gay and I don't either. It's their life and not mine.
I haven't actually told my step son that I support him being gay or his boyfriend. I have had his son and his boyfriend over and I am friendly. We have been to their place. In order to support his son do I need to say that I am ok that your gay? Or does including the boyfriend enough? I have been following quite a few blogs from gay men adopting so I don't think I have issues.
Also I want to add that I haven't told his daughter that I accept her being streight or her boyfriend. I have never went to anyone and told them that I accept their boy/girlfriends or don't. I figure they have to live with them not me. So, we all like men. I am okay with that? I figure I like men and he likes men. Am I wrong?

A few months ago, I called a aunt on my Dad's side. My Dad took us to visit her many times and we seen her when she came to our town. I asked her for some pictures of my aunts and uncles, because I am making a scrap book. Yesterday, I called her again and left a message and I hear from her today. I asked her again, except this time I told her why I was making the book. She knew that I had a child, but didn't know if it was a girl or a boy. It felt good to speak the truth. She said she would make sure my Dad knew that I had called. She said that he would be thrilled that I contacted her.

I will admit that I did a really mean post about adoption on my other blog. Sometimes I just want to yell to my family that adoption has affected me. I am tired of being silent. Let's see if anyone says anything.

scrap book

I told my husband that I would like to get a few pictures of us together for my scrap book. He said, his daughter could help. He later at night, tells me that he doesn't want any of his pictures in the scrap book. He doesn't know what Izzy would do with them. Maybe she would scan them and put them online. He tells me that I should have my son's permission, before I put his pictures in there. When I told him that I asked for my sister's permission to put her child in there, he said they are my pictures and I don't need permission. I personally think if it's someone of age and they allowed me to take a picture then I can put them in the book. Any kids besides mine then I thought to ask permission.
So, he waits to late at night to pick a fight about not putting his picture in there. Even though, we have our problems, he is my husband and I wanted to include it in the book that talking about me.
He asked me did I have a picture of me standing alone with her Birthfather gone? Actually I have thought about that. Do I address my time with him in the book? That is a part of my life? Even though, adoption hurts I don't regret my time with him. However, I think somethings are better left to be discussed in person. If anyone has any advice on should I include my life with him not?
He also asked that I delete any picture of him that I have on "my normal blog" I did but I am thinking what a asshole. He helped me post most the pictures from when I first started the blog. I haven't posted any of him for a while. What really bothers me is that his daughter has posted pictures of us on his blog, and he sees nothing wrong with this. He finally agreed that I could use our wedding picture that was taken in the court house, but I don't want to now.

just talking

I spend a lot of time reading blogs. I enjoy reading blogs from all sides of adoption. I love to read adoptive parents blogs, but prefer that they are in a open adoption. I don't really want to waste my time reading from someone who thinks adoptions stops after the TPR are signed. I love to read how they honor the open agreements. I really love reading about the visits. I understand that somethings are left private though.
I do sometimes wonder if my reading of blogs keeps me more depressed. I can feel happiness for some couples when they adopt, but my heart aches. I can't help, but feel the pain of the birth mother. When I tell someone that I am happy that they brought their baby home I feel like a trader. However, I do understand that adoption sometimes has to happened and I am happy that more people are starting to understand that open adoptions are best for everyone involved.
Many years ago, I joined a group for Birthmothers and I only went a couple times. There were women who were getting pictures of their children that they placed. I had never heard the term open adoption and I was very pissed! I had never heard of a adoption agency and I could have picked a couple who was willing. It was too much for me.
I spent about two years, giving pregnant women the evil eye. I hated them. They had their babies and I didn't. I didn't want to be around babies either. I don't think I was at peace with pregnant women and babies until I had my first son.
I have grown a lot. Pregnant women and babies don't bother me. It doesn't bother me to hear how a birthmother gets pictures or visits anymore. I am jealous, but jealous in a good way. I am so happy for them. I used to really regret that Izzy was adopted by her parents. That if adoption had to be the way, I wished that I could have went through a adoption agency. However, I now am happy that things went down the way that they did.(that is if she had to be adopted) I named my daughter and asked if they would leave her name be. As far as I can tell. they honored my request. I know my daughter's name. I won't ever have to search the adoption regristies looking for a match. I am still angry with Izzy's parents, but I understand that they just didn't recieve the education and went with what was the normal for the 90's. Well that's my 2 cents for today.

I am still depressed, but that's probably won't change for a while.
Meet my baby girl. Isn't she pretty? She loves to carry her water bowl around outside. Does anyone have any advice to keep her from spilling?

My husband asked me for advice on how to deal with a co worker. It's her daughter's 40th birthday. She has been dead for 5 years. My first answer was that I didn't know. Then he pushed me for a answer. I told him Don't tell her you understand her pain. Don't tell her it's not okay to talk? Just be there for her. I tell him maybe just offer a hug. I tell him that I don't have any experience, but I wonder if death is easier to deal with. He thinks I am being rude, because I turn it into death or adoption what's harder. Am I selfish in thinking adoption might be harder? It's not that I want my daughter dead. It's just that death is final. You wouldn't know that they are out there. If won't wonder if they are ok?
I expressed that I have lived a life of lies, because not many people know that I have placed a child for adoption. I have told him that the few that I have told over the years say stupid things and don't really want you to talk about it.
From my husband I here everything others have said. He doesn't agree that my children should have been told. He doesn't want me to talk about it. Maybe I am really wrong here, but when I had a really hard day he made it worse for me. Why should he be nice to the coworker. Just slam the door in her face... like he did me. He just doesn't get it. I cried for hours. The pain doesn't go away. Not once did my husband follow my advice when I had my breakdown of tears last night.
Can you imagine living a life and basically there is something pretty big and your family never brings it up? It's has if my daughter never was born. Oh and by the way, I was informed she isn't my daughter. She is another family's daughter and if for some reason his kids aren't really his he don't want anyone like me coming around. I cried a river of tears. I think it's better if he just keeps his mouth shut to his co worker.

Today marks the three weeks of my daughter's parents sitting on the letter. This is the week that I said that if I thought if they would write then they most likely would do it by then. So, I am guessing that even with asking for a reply one way or another and really expressing my wishes on my boys being allowed to see a picture wasn't enough. I am angry and hurt. They could have sent me a letter saying bug off and I would have taken it better. I don't see any point in writing them again. If what I said this time didn't work then nothing will. So I will just have to wait it out. I am done asking. I really don't care what kind of excuses or fears they have nothing can make up for this. I think a very big part of me would love for them to acknowledge me and just maybe I can not feel this anger towards them. I can't believe Izzy is probably almost finished with the 11th grade. Wow! Kids grow so fast. I have a few huge fears. I fear that she could get pregnant and suffer my same fate. My biggest fear is reading her death notice in the newspaper. I mean if for horrible reason she died of illness or from a accident why would they tell me. If they don't want to share her in life why would they have death.