Sunday, March 31, 2013

I been feeling pretty down. I thought I wanted my son to move. I thought that I would like the advantage of just having one child at home. But when it comes down to him actually moving out and especially without a job it makes me very sad. Very upset that none of my guidance or my husband's talk's have done any good.

I feel terrible just imagining that Alex feels rejected instead of loved. My goal wasn't really for him to move but for him to have a job that would give him a pay check but more important some self confidence in the ability to be able to provide for himself.

I want to see this move as a good thing and maybe he will shape up and find work when he isn't living at home where he might feel like we owe him a place to live and eat rent free. Or the fact that we have to pay the house payment regardless of him being here or nor.

My son is moving to another state. It's only one state away and from what I understand it's very close. It's just that I don't have a sense of direction and I have this feeling of him being gone forever.

I think of my sons never living in my household as brothers and it makes me feel sad enough to cry. One of my desires to having Alex moving back in with us was to have them together and it hasn't quite worked out how I might have imagined. Or maybe it has. They still bicker like brothers.

One of my friend's grown son lives at home and he is so good with his special needs sister. I see how he assists the family and also holds down a job. I am envy of that. I know my son is 18 and her's is in his middle 20's. I don't suppose I should aim to want to keep Alex home until he is in his middle 20's. It just would be nice if some of our trying to teach him some life skills worked.

I thought I wanted him to move but I think a big part of our frustrations would be less if he had a job. I feel guilty at the thought of taking Stephen to a movie during spring break. I feel bad walking off with one son but if I take both then isn't that setting a bad example for Stephen. I mean the movie day would be a way to spoil him for one day on his break. Alex isn't on break and doesn't really need spoiling. Or at least not in the same sense.

Alex doesn't spend a lot of time with us these days. Probably eats with us about half the time and sometimes sits down in the living room for a few. I sort of feel like if he jumped at the chance to come with me cause I am doing a movie that he is using me just for a fair weather friend.

Sometimes, I wish my kids were little again. How about 2 and 7 years of age!! Yep!! I think I want those years back.


The Busters said...

I'm so sorry things have been tough with your oldest. Since my little guy is only 3 I can't even imagine what it is like to have an 18 year old.

Also, I saw this and thought you might be interested if you hadn't heard about it. I'd love to hear your perspective.

birthmothertalks said...

I read it and will try to address my thoughts maybe in a blog post soon.