Saturday, March 9, 2013

Grandmother lost.. now dead.

A few months or maybe longer ago, my husband met his father who he hadn't seen in about 30 years. This was a reunion that at times my husband verbally told me he didn't see why he needed to change anything. Being a Birthmother I was pulling for his father and believed in second or third chances so I wanted my husband to see him. Why have regrets down the road.

Fast forward, there has been very little communication between my husband and his father. I really wanted to pick his father apart as in what was on his mind and heart after seeing his son with so many years being apart. I know how experiences and life choices haven't been quite the same but the reality is that we both have lived what seems like a lifetime without the connection to our children.

There was a part of me that wanted to take him by the hand and say that everything will be okay. blah blah. Also a part of me that wants to shake him and say ya dumb ass.. your son agreed to meet you and your going to meet him and then walk away again? What are you thinking? And why did you meet him only to have very little communication?

I wonder is it because he feels like he doesn't have the right to be in his son's life? He told me he didn't feel like he had the right to reach out to his children first.

Did he sense things from my husband that led him to believe that he wasn't wanted in his life? Did he not have to sense it because my husband might have said or done something to let him know he still had hard feelings from the past?

Did he want to meet his son to say that he did it and not have regrets?

Or maybe it's possible that it was his mother's (my husband's grandmother's dying wish to have them connect)

Bingo!! I think I might be on to something.

There was some talk about my husband meeting up with his Dad to meet his grandmother who he hasn't seen in a very long time. I am guessing as long as he had went without seeing his father.

I know there was some bullshit where my husband's mother kept the children away from her cause she couldn't accept that the two children changed their name along with their Mother. I am sure I don't know all the details. I bet the Grandmother protected and stood up for her son even though she might have known he did wrong.

Do I think it was wrong for my husband and sister to change their full legal name? I really do think it was wrong. The actions of the husband shouldn't change things that extremely with the children. Again. I wasn't there.

Well, anyways, my husband heard word that his grandmother passed away at the age of 93 years of age.

My husband said it wasn't a big deal and he felt bad for not being sad.

His sister called him and not his Father. His sister did reunite with the Grandmother. She is quite a few years younger so she was probably sheltered from somethings.

So it's possible he wanted to meet his son, grandchildrn and great grandchild to full fill an very old lady's request. That's the best answer I can come up with.

I really liked husband's father (my father n law) I felt at ease with him and there was that familiarly thing going on since they do look quite a bit alike.

My husband shared my story of adoption and reunion with him and even this blog address with him. If he is reading right now I hope he doesn't mind me writing about this and he is free to share what is on his mind with me. Or maybe he will one day let me pick his brains. Or deal with the things that keep him being a part of his son's life.

However, there is the thing that separation does to a family. It breaks the family mold and lost years can't be made up. No quick courses in summer school or trips down to memory lane to make up for lost time. Once time is gone. It's gone. No telling where the future will go.

Well, I will wrap this up. I thought this might be a nice blog post. An grandmother died recently but she was lost many years ago. It makes me sad thinking about what she lost out on over a marriage and then divorce going bad.

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