I been feeling pretty down. I thought I wanted my son to move. I thought that I would like the advantage of just having one child at home. But when it comes down to him actually moving out and especially without a job it makes me very sad. Very upset that none of my guidance or my husband's talk's have done any good.

I feel terrible just imagining that Alex feels rejected instead of loved. My goal wasn't really for him to move but for him to have a job that would give him a pay check but more important some self confidence in the ability to be able to provide for himself.

I want to see this move as a good thing and maybe he will shape up and find work when he isn't living at home where he might feel like we owe him a place to live and eat rent free. Or the fact that we have to pay the house payment regardless of him being here or nor.

My son is moving to another state. It's only one state away and from what I understand it's very close. It's just that I don't have a sense of direction and I have this feeling of him being gone forever.

I think of my sons never living in my household as brothers and it makes me feel sad enough to cry. One of my desires to having Alex moving back in with us was to have them together and it hasn't quite worked out how I might have imagined. Or maybe it has. They still bicker like brothers.

One of my friend's grown son lives at home and he is so good with his special needs sister. I see how he assists the family and also holds down a job. I am envy of that. I know my son is 18 and her's is in his middle 20's. I don't suppose I should aim to want to keep Alex home until he is in his middle 20's. It just would be nice if some of our trying to teach him some life skills worked.

I thought I wanted him to move but I think a big part of our frustrations would be less if he had a job. I feel guilty at the thought of taking Stephen to a movie during spring break. I feel bad walking off with one son but if I take both then isn't that setting a bad example for Stephen. I mean the movie day would be a way to spoil him for one day on his break. Alex isn't on break and doesn't really need spoiling. Or at least not in the same sense.

Alex doesn't spend a lot of time with us these days. Probably eats with us about half the time and sometimes sits down in the living room for a few. I sort of feel like if he jumped at the chance to come with me cause I am doing a movie that he is using me just for a fair weather friend.

Sometimes, I wish my kids were little again. How about 2 and 7 years of age!! Yep!! I think I want those years back.

I heard that Alex's day was spent between friends and doing favors for the neighbors who were evicted.

I asked Alex when are you going to get serious and look for a job.

I didn't tell him that I am asking it because I am stressed over the upcoming kick out date.

He told me not to worry that he was moving out. I said, really? When and where?

He said before April 15th and to Wisconsin. He has spent a couple weekends with a friend that lives there so if what he says is true.. I imagine he is going to stay with him.

I am torn between wanting my son to have a job and live at home or have a job and live on his own.

He doesn't spend a lot of time with us as a family. It's just here and there. Sometimes, when he is bored and has nothing to do he will sit in the living room being bored. It seems like he will have a couple busy days with friends and then a couple boring days at home. We never know when to expect what day it will be. He tends to want to hang with my husband more than me.

I can't lie. I will be looking forward to some aspects of a family of three living in my home. If I want to go someone with Stephen I won't feel like I am walking on eggshells not wanting to pay for things like movies for Alex.

There is a big part of me that isn't really happy with the idea of him moving due to he doesn't have a job. If he had a job and roomed in with someone and paid rent.. I would at least feel better about it. But to have him move in with someone and be a mooch doesn't appeal to me. I suppose it's better than me kicking him out and he has no where to go. However, all good things must come to an end. The friend could get tired of him and kick him out.

I know I have been coming down hard on him. We know he has been smoking. We know he hangs out with the guy who deals pot. We were told that right before they got kicked out.. the place was due to be raided. My son is a good kid but seems to be stuck on this guy. He will bend over backwards for him and it drives me crazy. That couple is poison.

I am just torn on what to think about him actually moving out. If he follows thru.. a part of me will be happy that I didn't have to ask him to move. But he knows where we stand so isn't it still kicking him out? And why can't the kid just get a job and earn some money and make all this go away?

I go to court tomorrow for child support. It was suppose to be to increase support based on the fact that I believed my child's dad got a better job. Now he has been fired and has added another payment missed to the already 300 and some odd dollars that he is behind.

Finding Aster

I am working on a post with a little review of Finding Aster. I am linking two blogs that blog about an Ethiopian Adoption that you can check out if you don't already read them.

I enjoyed the book. So within a couple days, I will post the review. So if this book on a must read list then don't read my post that will come up soon.

Phone interview

I was contacted by email from a lady working on her master's degree and interested in talking to birthmothers who are in reunion. So, today, I spoke with her on the phone about my life before reunion, the reunion and how things have been going since reunion. It was pretty nice to get to share my story with her and especially since someone is interested in hearing about adoption reunion.

Reunion has brought out a lot of joy but I never want to forget that with it has been a very trying time in my life and that's part of the story that not too many people really get to here. It can have it's highs and lows and sometimes speaking the truth can be hard for birthmothers to really express due to fear of others not getting it and just fear of allowing others in.

Talking with her reminded me that blogging and counseling as helped me along the way and I really believe things could have turned out much worse if I didn't have a few birthmother's and adoptees in my corner that were able to help me keep my cool during the hard moments.

This isn't the first time that I have answered interview questions but was the first time on the phone. I actually thought that was a much better way for a person to really "hear" the birthmother's story.

Thanks for all those that have stuck with me through reunion and continue to follow mine and Izzy's story.

off subject of the phone call.

I haven't really been working on Izzy's scrapbook. I really need to get to it. I think there is a part of me that might view the scrapbook giving as a final thing for us. Also, I just feel like I poured my heart into the book and just can't seem to give it to her.

My goal is to get me a couple good photo albums so I can arrange my pictures and try to get back to it.

We bought a new kitchen table and actually put our old one in the living room so I have an even bigger space to work on it with.

Lastly, I need to get the book copied once it's complete. It's just too important to let it go. I have often joked that I would run in a burning house or have to rescue it with along with my children. Yes. I am serious.

We are just a few weeks away from the child support court date. The Father has yet to pay any of the back pay has promised. If that's not enough. He was just fired from his job. This isn't good for our family. Why can't people just quit screwing up and messing up their jobs?? I just want to put a decent roof over my kid's head and provide things he needs. Is that really asking too much?

Grandmother lost.. now dead.

A few months or maybe longer ago, my husband met his father who he hadn't seen in about 30 years. This was a reunion that at times my husband verbally told me he didn't see why he needed to change anything. Being a Birthmother I was pulling for his father and believed in second or third chances so I wanted my husband to see him. Why have regrets down the road.

Fast forward, there has been very little communication between my husband and his father. I really wanted to pick his father apart as in what was on his mind and heart after seeing his son with so many years being apart. I know how experiences and life choices haven't been quite the same but the reality is that we both have lived what seems like a lifetime without the connection to our children.

There was a part of me that wanted to take him by the hand and say that everything will be okay. blah blah. Also a part of me that wants to shake him and say ya dumb ass.. your son agreed to meet you and your going to meet him and then walk away again? What are you thinking? And why did you meet him only to have very little communication?

I wonder is it because he feels like he doesn't have the right to be in his son's life? He told me he didn't feel like he had the right to reach out to his children first.

Did he sense things from my husband that led him to believe that he wasn't wanted in his life? Did he not have to sense it because my husband might have said or done something to let him know he still had hard feelings from the past?

Did he want to meet his son to say that he did it and not have regrets?

Or maybe it's possible that it was his mother's (my husband's grandmother's dying wish to have them connect)

Bingo!! I think I might be on to something.

There was some talk about my husband meeting up with his Dad to meet his grandmother who he hasn't seen in a very long time. I am guessing as long as he had went without seeing his father.

I know there was some bullshit where my husband's mother kept the children away from her cause she couldn't accept that the two children changed their name along with their Mother. I am sure I don't know all the details. I bet the Grandmother protected and stood up for her son even though she might have known he did wrong.

Do I think it was wrong for my husband and sister to change their full legal name? I really do think it was wrong. The actions of the husband shouldn't change things that extremely with the children. Again. I wasn't there.

Well, anyways, my husband heard word that his grandmother passed away at the age of 93 years of age.

My husband said it wasn't a big deal and he felt bad for not being sad.

His sister called him and not his Father. His sister did reunite with the Grandmother. She is quite a few years younger so she was probably sheltered from somethings.

So it's possible he wanted to meet his son, grandchildrn and great grandchild to full fill an very old lady's request. That's the best answer I can come up with.

I really liked husband's father (my father n law) I felt at ease with him and there was that familiarly thing going on since they do look quite a bit alike.

My husband shared my story of adoption and reunion with him and even this blog address with him. If he is reading right now I hope he doesn't mind me writing about this and he is free to share what is on his mind with me. Or maybe he will one day let me pick his brains. Or deal with the things that keep him being a part of his son's life.

However, there is the thing that separation does to a family. It breaks the family mold and lost years can't be made up. No quick courses in summer school or trips down to memory lane to make up for lost time. Once time is gone. It's gone. No telling where the future will go.

Well, I will wrap this up. I thought this might be a nice blog post. An grandmother died recently but she was lost many years ago. It makes me sad thinking about what she lost out on over a marriage and then divorce going bad.

Finding Aster

I love to read adoption related books on my kindle. I did take a little bit of a break from it. I have gotten back into reading the books again

Finding Aster Our Ethiopian adoption story has been on my radar for quite sometime. I haven't picked it due to my rule that my kindle books must cost 5.00 or less.

I broke my rule and purchased the book.

I read two blogs from adoptive momma's who adopted from Ethiopa and blog to share their story. I have enjoyed reading things from their perspective and hope to get the same feeling from this book.

I will write a little reveiw on what I feel and or thought about this book.

My fears and prayers

I fear it's just a matter of time before Alex finds himself sitting in jail for a night or two or more.

He is a good kid but the crowd he hangs with and the idle time on his hands is going to land him behind bars.

I pray one that I am wrong and this fear won't come a reality.

I also pray that my husband is strong enough to keep me from bailing him out of jail.

My brain will tell me leaving him in jail is the right thing to do.

My heart will tell me to go get him.

He is at the age where Momma can't fix the big stuff anymore. A band- aid won't do.

I think I am going to make my son apply for financial aid for school and hoping that he can find a trade school that is short term or something.

This is my best idea that I can come up.

I will support my son job or no job if he was educating himself and making a life for himself.

I can't support his lifestyle as it is right now.

There is too much at state.

A 12 almost 13 year old boy who admires his brother and looks up to him.

One that misses his brother when he isn't around for dinner.

I pray I am wrong.

My fears tell me there will be jail time.

If only a band -aid would fix this.

I forgot to mention that my son and his gf made up the same day that she came over and hugged me as she cried.

Although, the little birdie is telling me that she doesn't really like to come to our place cause it's cold. (my son's room is in the basement) and there isn't any food. We don't automatically feed them both if she is here. However, if he asks ahead of time then we do allow it if we have the food to go around... just depends one what is being cooked. Somethings like soup, chili and casseroles can go further.

However, I don't go out of my way to buy snack foods.

We also learned that his gf has been accepted into college that is about an hour away. I think my son said she has a job interview at McDonald's. I am hoping these things will motivate him to get a job or consider schooling more.

We have been encouraging Alex to not always rely on her Mom to drive him or her to see each other. Been encouraging some good old fashioned walking like his Dad did to see me or things my husband did to see his young loves. :)

I hope he learns and accepts that we are not asking him to do anything that we haven't done ourselves.

Well, better get ready for work.