Wednesday, September 7, 2011

9/11 attacks and my daughter's birthday

My daughter was born on September 11Th 1991.

The terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the World Trade Centers, Pentagon and the one plane that crashed in the field cause the passengers took control. All that happened on.........

September 11Th 2001. It was morning of Izzy's 10TH birthday.

So, the ten year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks is Izzy's 20TH birthday or is Izzy's 20Th birthday the ten year mark of the 9/11 attacks?

I remember being home and up cause my oldest son had to go to school. I don't recall if he was in school at that time or not. I remember always being sad on Izzy's birthday but the birthdays were getting a little easier. Mostly, I would spend the time by myself, while my husband worked but it all just depended on how the day fell during the work week. I don't recall if I had started making a point not to work her birthdays or not at that point.

I writing this post to give you a little insight on how the attacks of 9/11 has effected my life even though I personally didn't lose any family members or friends and honestly didn't know anyone who did.

The truth is the 9/11 stole my daughter's birthday.

No longer did I think of her birthday as September 11th.

No longer did I start thinking about her birthday around my nieces birthday on or around August 12th. They were born 29 days apart. My sister managed to raise her daughter even though the two of us are only a year and half apart in age.

It made me incredibly sad a ten year girl grew up with her birthdays being shared with such a horrible day. She will be twenty now and she probably doesn't remember too many birthdays when she didn't share it with the events of 9/11. I think it's been a normal thing for her and that makes me very sad. I am not sad by anything she said but just the fact is that most of her memories are after ten years of age. I am going by what is pretty much the normal for kids. Although, we did have a brief discussion via electronic stuff that has lead me to believe that it's not a big deal to her. Not as in being dying but her birthday being on that day.

I think of most people the little reminders that may come up to remind them of their child's birthday wouldn't bring up sad feelings but for me as a birthmom I find the reminders of her birthday sad.

The 9/11 attacks even without the anniversary creeping up on us is often in newspapers and the news. There was a while where it seemed like every book I read no matter the topic had some reference to the 9/11 attacks.

When I am doing my daily life of working, being a Mom, being a wife and basically not thinking of my daughter or adoption the 9/11 attacks bring adoption loss right back to my thoughts.

I wish I could escape the 9/11 attacks clips but it's impossible. I wish I could hear the 9/11 stuff and not just think of my loss. I know a lot of people lost their lives and others lost their loved ones. Those attacks were such an evil event in our time and it's been a sore spot in my life that it happened on her birthday.

I know longer work on her birthday. It's a rule of mine. This year, I am breaking it a little bit because I am babysitting for the church cause I am already taking a Sunday off soon for my retreat and I didn't want to ask for two so close. I basically request that my husband take me on a road trip and my husband and I spend some quality time together.

Most birthdays once we are home for the day I drink and honestly it's just what I do to help ease the pain. Sometimes, it's the way the tears come because I don't like to cry and try to fight it.

I will never forget the day my first husband took me to the bar on her birthday against my desires. Not that I was forces just pressured. Well, a few drinks too many and I lost it in the parking lot of the bar. The whole thing came spilling out to people who didn't know me very well.

Since reunion, this will be the second birthday that we have been in contact. Being involved and connected to my daughter's life has helped quite a bit. It does give me a whole new set of problems which I will be glad to take on compared to being in the dark.

This week there has been an overload of stories about 9/11 cause of the ten year anniversary and mostly I just skim the stories cause it's just too painful. I really feel for those that lost loved ones and friends in that attack. It's such a cruel way to die. I shudder when I imagine the fear of those on the planes when they knew that their life was about to end. I can't imagine that fear. Also, the fear of those that ran from the buildings trying to escape death.

1 comment:

Leah said...

Beautiful post, and I'm so sorry that this day is so painful for you in so many ways. We all cope in certain ways to get through the pain. . . I know I do it about certain pain in my life as well.

Thinking of you.