I can't believe how fast the time is flying. It seems that Izzy's birthday just passed. However, it's only 6 months away. She is six months from being 18 years of age. In six months, she can decide for herself on who she wants to marry or what job to take or what school to attend. But according to the adoption laws it's her parents choice if she knows how to contact me or not.

I have spent a lot of time wondering about what will come of me sending the adoptive parents the letter. Since I work live in care for the elderly, I am not able to run to the mail box every day. When I came home this morning, I checked the mail and nothing. Nothing at this point is actually good. I decided to walk my dog, even though it's cold. Also to just lye around on the couch watching lifetime instead of watching the mailbox. I figure if my letter isn't in there today, then for sure they didn't write return to sender.

I am so nervous and scared. I want some kind of contact so bad. I want to be able to see what Izzy looks like, without feeling like I had to sneak around to do it. By that I mean the yearbook pictures. Sure, it's not a crime to photocopy pictures from a yearbook, but thats not how I want to say here look at how pretty she is. I want to know that she is safe and happy. Another part of me just wants them to say hello... we remember where our daughter came from. I want some trust. I trusted them to raise my daughter. I want them to trust that I won't come to the door and grab her by the hand and bring her home. I want them to trust that I am not going to seek her out with the picture and follow her. If I thought of me and only me.. I would get a lawn chair and sit on the sidewalk to I can see what she looks like. Since I think of Izzy and my family I won't be doing that.

The mail just came as I was writing this post. I ran to check and nothing, but junk mail. Besides the For Sale sign, my biggest fear is that they will do nothing again. I really really hope they surprise me. It will be Friday before I can check the mail again. It's a good thing my husband doesn't check it.

scrap book

My husband came up with the idea of covering my scrap book to personalize it for Izzy. I thought it was a great idea, but my question to myself is how do you personalize something for someone that you don't know. The idea of my book is to tell Izzy about my life and what is important to me. So when I was telling my counselor how I loved his idea, but I didn't know how to personalize what Izzy wants. So, she said, that if I try to make it what Izzy would like, then I am am not sticking to what I am saying the book is about. I finally got it. I can decorate the book to my liking, because the book is a story about me.
I love making the book. Right now it's has 15 sheets of protective film that each holds two papers. So it's 30 pages of pictures and stuff for Izzy to see. The binder is wide enough to probably do another 60 pages. I wished I would have had this idea much sooner, but better late than never.
The book has been fun. However, sometimes I become really sad. I found some pictures o of my niece holding my older son. She is one month older than Izzy. They should have grown up together. I should have shots of two little girls hanging out together. But I don't that isn't the road I took. My sister chose to run away and keep her daughter and I chose to be told what to do. Oh well what can I do now. Time for work.

It's only been a few days since I mailed the letter. The waiting is very hard. I know the mail system enough to say that they received it Saturday or today. I wonder what they are thinking? Are they shocked that I wrote again? Do they feel like selling the house and running away? Are they scared? If they could read this, I would tell them that I don't plan on taking Izzy by the hand and bringing her to my home. You are her parents, but please remember how Izzy came to be your daughter. I am not asking for the world,but only a small part of your world. I know the official wait time really starts now. What time frame should I operate my mind on? I am thinking if they stamp return to sender, I will get the letter back in a few days. If it doesn't come back. I can figure they brought it in to read it or throw it away. So if it doesn't come back to me what time frame would most people say to give up.. they didn't write back. It took me a week and half to decide, write, rewrite and include pictures and mail it. So if I double that time. I am guessing that if I don't get anything within three weeks then they won't write. Do they really have that in them to ignore me, even after I said please respond back? If they can do that then what kind of people are they? I even said, I would accept a rejection letter much better than no answer at all.
I went to a new counselor today, because the other one was laid off. I was suppose to go last week, but had my days mixed up. I thought it would be weird starting over, but she had enough notes and made me feel welcome.
We talked for about two hours. She was real supportive of me sending the letter and understands how I need the answer so I know where I stand.
We talked a lot of about my son and his requests for wanting to see what Izzy looks like. She said I should trust my gut that it's not a good idea for him to walk around with a image of Izzy. That we don't know what Izzy knows or how she feels. That we need to protect Izzy's identity and her feelings. She says that I can validate my son's feeling and tell him that I am happy that he cares but at this point, it's better he not know for sure what she looks like. She said that teenagers aren't mature enough to always see the connection. She thinks if he sees someone that looks like me that if he is given the information first that he is more likely to come to see for advice before he acts.
We also talked a lot about my husband, my mom, my aunt and the rest of the family. She can see how a lot of people broke my trust and then forced me to live a life of lies. Now she can see that I am still living the life of lies by habit. I don't know anything else.
Well this is getting long and not sure if I make any sense. It's a good thing I am on Spring break from college and also pretty soon I am taking a vacation from work.

Yesterday at work, (My clients home) I put the letter with the pictures in their mail box. It sat there for about 30 minutes, before the mailman came for the mail. I admit that part of me felt like taking it back. Sending off that letter gave me a real uneasy feeling. If I know the mail system the letter will get to them tomorrow. I am real nervous. Will they be jerks and ignore the letter even after I ask for a reply letter? I didn't plan it this way, but will Izzy bring the letter in on Saturday morning. Will she be able to give her 2 cents on what to do. It's going to be a long week or two.

This week it has been six months since I sent Izzy's parents the first letter with one photo of me. Today I am sending another letter, but it's much shorter and I am trying to appeal to them concerning my boys. I am hoping that with the pictures they can see that they are real people and not have the heart to deny them. I am including about 5 or 6 pictures that share what the three of us look like.
I feel guilty that I do not plan to tell my husband. I will probably tell him after the fact if it's a good response. If I am ignored again then I will just keep quiet.
I have been nervous, because I am opening myself up for more hurt. I have to accept the fact that when the letter goes in the mail today that I might be hurt again. On the other hand, if I don't send it, I will always wonder. If they can get a letter asking for a reply no matter what they have to say, and still ignore me. I will be worried about Izzy. I will wonder what kind of people are raising her. If they have any heart at all.. they have to write back something. My biggest fear this time isn't going to be rejection, because they already did that. It's going to be a For Sale sign in front of their house. The is the last thing I want. Izzy should be finishing 11th grade in June. So all she has left is her Senior year. May they not be so scared and insecure of me that they up root her for her last year in school. From the year book pictures, she has spent her junior years in one school and her high school years in another. Izzy had that much better than me. I moved around a lot. So lets up they think of her and only her before the For Sale sign goes up. Some people might as why am I not happy with the year book pictures. Well for one I am glad that I have them, but it's not something I am proud of to show off. Well time to get ready for work.

egg baby

I had a memory surface to the core this morning. I was a ninth grader. I returned to school trying to get through that first year without Izzy. I was in heatlh class. I can't remember first or second semester. I remember it being hot, but that could be the beginning of the school year or the end. We all got the sex education. We had to pair up with students of the oppisite sex and pretend we had a child. Our children were eggs that had the stuff blown out of them. We had to decorate them. I had to carry around a egg for a week and my pretend husband had to carry it the next week. I don't know why this surfaced up in my dreams, but it did. I don't remember if it caused me stress pretending this egg was my baby or not. I think I was more stressed that I had to pretend to be married. I guess my overall point of this story was that it was a little too late to be teaching me sex ed. I learned the hard way! I really don't think carrying around eggs is a good tool to prevent people from having babies. Maybe make a young girl babysit about four kids at once might work better.
Well that's my two cents for the day.

Where I am with the letter writing

I have written the letter. It's only about a page and half long compared to the first letter, which was four pages long. I believe my English classes helped me get my thoughts out, but kept it shorter.
I have a few pictures picked out that I plan on sending. I just have to print them. The first picture is of my and my younger son. It's a pretty good picture of us and it shows off my little son's bank that was painted by his Dad. It shows that we are into being creative. The second picture, is my oldest son posing with two of our cats. This tells them we are into cats. Another picture is of my little son, holding one of our bunnies in front of the tree. It shows that we are into pet rabbits. Not many people are. There is one picture of the boys in front of a small airplane and another one of them in front of hanger of a airport. It shows that they are into airplanes. The last one is of my oldest son in front of the Christmas tree. I am hoping the pictures show Izzy's parents that you can share general bits of information without being specific. None of the pictures our telling them where the kids go to school, or where I work, or where we hang out. It's just a example of how I can share a little bit information without getting too specific. So I am hoping that they can see that I am not asking for much. I don't want to know the spots that I could find her. I would rather not be tempted.
My plan is to print the pictures Wednesday and get it sent out on Thursday. I am not telling my husband and I know that is wrong. Although, I just have to do what I feel is right. I can't let him control me, and I don't want to listen to his speech for the next week or so. Also, if I don't hear anything from them. I won't hear I told you so.
Wednesday, I am meeting with a new counselor at the adoption agency. The other one, I was seeing was laid off. So I suppose I will see what she thinks about sending the letter, but I don't think it will change my mind. Well enough for now.