160!!!!

160 followers!!! Yay!!! The numbers slowly go up. That's quite a bit for a birtmother's blog. Sometimes, I run out of things to write about. Is there any questions or topics anyone wants to be tackle? I would be glad to try my best to answer any questions that anyone should have.

My daughter brought me pictures from when she was a baby up until about seven or so. Also, her senior year pictures.

Words can't explain how it feels to look at pictures of my daughter and how much her little girl pictures looked like mine as a young child. How can a Mom ever get over looking at pictures of her child and she doesn't know the child. From what I can tell the child in Izzy looked happy. I got to see some pictures of her around the time her parents had a child of their own. (biologically)

I cried some last night over my loss of Izzy for the first time in well over a year. I can never get that back. I cried over my daughter's parents lack of ability to accept me in their life for the first time since I have made contact on my own. I wish I could have seen pictures of Izzy growing up but wonder if it would be the same thing. Looking into the eyes of a stranger that is my child and not knowing her. Not being able to hold her.

My daughter is moving away for school. She brought me her fish since she isn't taking them on a 20 hour drive with them. How ironic that the first time my daughter was actually in my house is the last time I will see her for a while. It's not suppose to be like that.

I am going to miss her so much. I am proud of her for taking this challenge in life but wished she wasn't so eager to move away.

Merry Christmas to all my readers. May your holiday season be warm and cozy. I hope all my birthparents readers find some happiness even if they are missing their child. I hope all the couples who are sad because they're strongest wish to become parents enjoy the despite they are without children. For my adoptee readers, I wish that you have a very nice time with family. If your in reunion, I dream of parents that can put the children first and put their feelings on the shelf. If your not in reunion and that's your desire is to be.. I hope this is the last Christmas season wishing for reunion.

Christmas shopping

I spent the day with my friend Rachel and we did all of our shopping in one general area. My main goals of the day was to use the toysr@us gift card that I had gotten with buying a gift for my son. I planned on using it to buy something for my granddaughter.

My other goal was to look around for anything else small like candy that I could put in Izzy's Christmas basket. Also, anything that could go in my sons' stockings. I found a candy cane with chocolate and a key chain with Izzy's real name on it.

My last thing to do was to get my little sister a gift and get wrapping paper.

For my granddaughter, I had in mind to get her a Mr or Mrs. Potato head suitcase full of different pieces for her to change. I remember how much fun I had playing with my son with the potato head guy. I only had 25 on the gift card but when I seen the case was 20 bucks I was disappointed cause I wanted to get her a doll too.

Being the type of person that I am... I decided that it's only money and Christmas only comes around once a year and she is getting a doll from Grandma. I picked her out a doll that also sold clothes for it. So, her doll... will need a change of clothes, right? I really would have loved to buy my daughter dolls and barbies but I missed my chance.

I am not going to miss it with my granddaughter.

I did create an very cool pillow for Izzy and she had a basket full of girly items. You can see the picture on my private blog. I have a moment of sadness over not having those early years of dolls but I am overly joyed that I know my daughter and she has accepted me in her life. She hasn't not gotten a Christmas or birthday present since I have had contact with her. It's possible that I enjoy choosing and buying the gifts more than she does receiving them. I have never been given a gift from my daughter. In a small way, it has made me sad. It's not that I need things but just the thought that I am important enough to try to find something special for that person. What I really wish for is a collection of photos from her when she was younger. She has mentioned that her parents didn't take that many pictures of her. How ironic is that the thing I craved the most (besides real contact) was pictures and they didn't take them. Could it have been a subconscious thing to not take them? Who knows.

question

I posted a question over on my private blog. I like to hear what others think so if your up to it.. go check out my other blog and tell me what you think.

Pretty

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Pretty.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

Today, I came home from work and found a Christmas card from MELD. I opened it up thinking how sweet a Christmas card to find them asking for money for MELD. I am thinking I might send them about ten bucks or so since I really haven't done anything for them for Christmas. It won't be much but it will be more than what they had before they sent out the cards to people.

I am going to be on vacation after Saturday night. I am so excited at the thought of not working but hoping my sons don't drive me crazy! Sometimes, I feel more rested after working but it's always nice to be with family even though they work me harder than my clients. Hope everyone is doing well.

Christmas party

MELD had it's annaul Christmas party. It was their 30th year up and running. We had a pretty nice time. They had dinner and desert. Also, Santa was there with gifts for the MELD children. The guy that handles the volunteers for the babysitting talked to me about me going only every other week. It went pretty well.

Another great thing about reunion is that it's been easy with my clients to move onto the next stage of openly talking about my daughter. I used to just mention that I have boys. Then, I started saying I have five children between my husband and I. Now, I openly talk about how I have had three children and my oldest is my daughter. I have had the same client for about a year and half and the other one for about four or five months now. Both have some form of dementia so they don't question how I have changed things up when I talk about my children. It's cool that I got to skip the awkward conversation about adoption that I just now have a daughter that I talk about. I don't get into the adoption stuff with them basically it's not going to help me to tell the story 20 times a day. lol. Also, my newest client has adopted children and I just don't want to go there.

A very sweet part of reunion with my lost daughter to adoption is my pleasure to give her gifts for birthdays, Christmas or just because I feel like it. Which I only did that once but it came at time where she said she really needed it. I just love how easy it seems to buy things for her cause she is a girl. I love that her pictures are on my wall for all to see. If it makes anyone in my family uncomfortable then they have the problem. I honestly believe that I enjoy giving her the gifts more than she enjoys them. When one is deprived of something for so long it just changes the whole dynamic of it all.

I remember a time when reading about reunion stories gave me hope but also made me sad cause I felt like I was the only one still missing out on reunion. If your waiting don't lose hope. Some days, you might feel like wishing you could stop loving that person you long for but in your heart you know it just doesn't work that way.

It's beginning to look like my oldest son will be living with me. His Dad isn't happy and said the heats been fixed and the water heater will be fixed this weekend and my son still says not going back there. I don't quite get what's going on over there besides the problems with the mobile home. I knew it was getting serious when my son asks me if he runs away would they look at my place.
Our minor issue is that my ex husband wants my son to give the tv back and then my son won't have one. He has been brought up on video games and movies and this won't be fun for any of us if he doesn't have a tv. I mentioned to my current husband maybe I would buy him one for Christmas and he got mad cause he doesn;t think kids should have better than us. Not as in for Christmas but overall have a better tv or phone in general.
The major issue is that I been debating going and filing for custody and support. Tonight, my ex tried to strike up a deal to have him pay me directly and not change anything. I said, we would have to talk more about it.

I did tell my ex that I really want to see both of the boys living together for this last year or two that Alex is living with parents. It hasn't been easy for them to be apart for five days and then together on the weekend. It's stressful on Stephen and I think Alex too.

I hope this all works out with the least amount of stress as possible and the least amount of fighting.

question

Go visit my private blog. I have a question that I asked and want lots of peoples thoughts on it.

venting

My oldest son has been talking to me about wanting to move back in with us. He has his reasons and some are pretty good ones. I think there maybe more to it like I don't like this new stepmom who just married his Dad. I have been thinking about it a lot. Do we keep talking about it or just go file in court for custody? This could turn into another nasty battle which I really think is bad timing with the holidays but one reason my son wants to move in is that they're furnace don't work and they are using space heaters in a mobile home. They don't have a working hot water heater so they take showers at Grandma's. I have offered my son a place back here for quite sometime but it's just recently that he seems to want to be here with us.
He has been staying about half the week here and then the other half at home. If we are going to go forward then I need child support for our two children. Right now, because we each have one child no one pays.
My son's grandma I guess overheard him talking to someone and he just told me that his Grandma told him privately if he comes to stay with me she isn't buying him a laptop. Now, that is cruel. Also, she shouldn't be buying him one anyways. If his parents who work can't justify buying him a laptop then how does someone living off ssi do it? Also, will be second son get one too? I don't believe playing favorites between kids. Especially if they are brothers/sisters and know what's going on.

I just wanted to vent. This whole laptop thing could influence my son cause he does want one. It's a shame she would even say something like that.

A big part of me just really wants both my sons living together for this last year or two that my oldest is still with a parent. When I am overly nervous wondering if Stephen is okay at the bus stop his brother should be doing the big brother act and watching out for him.

New followers

I have noticed in the last week, I have gained a few new followers. Thanks for your interest in my blog. It's always nice to see people still find what I write interesting enough to follow.