MELD

My van bit the dust. I called it my death mobile and it was scary. The decision is to trade it in. I tried to be a mini van Mom but I can't afford the gas. So, I will be buying a new car probably tomorrow.

So, in order to get to MELD, I asked for the MELD van to give me a ride. I got to ride with some of the Moms. It was cool to hear them talking about school and stuff. Also, just the pregnancy stuff that goes on with all pregnant girls.

I had three high school girls in the daycare to help because they have to do a project on volunteering in the community. It was the difference between night and day with how the children behaved. There was still some of the rough and tough boy stuff but mostly it was much lower key with playing pretend play and reading books. Normally, it's just me and the driver and as much as I like the driver. He just isn't into playing with the children. He will help if pushed come to shove but it's not the same as actually reading a book or pretending to have a picnic.

I really haven't been buying nothing for MELD lately. I have been buying things here and there for my grand daughter who spends about five days a week with us. I don't spend a lot. Just yesterday, I picked up to pairs of pj's for three dollars each. After I bought them, I felt guilty for being selfish. I buy for babygirl because I can actually see here wear the clothes and I find pleasure in that. However, I know that there are children that could use some new stuff too. Honestly, babygirl is well taken care of and probably doesn't need it as much as some of the MELD children may need stuff.

No way, am I going to stop buying babygirl stuff because I just find it so much fun. I am going to try to remember to pick things up for the MELD children too.

Going back

Yesterday, I drove to the middle school and dropped the paperwork off. School wasn't in session but the teachers were there for conferences. I didn't ask to see Liz because I imagine she was busy and honestly I think I would have really cried if I had seen her.

I will never forget the day she pulled me away from attacking my cousins boyfriend who lashed out on me on the wrong day. I had just learned that my daughter's adoption was final and they were moving. I didn't understand all what finalization meant but I knew that them moving meant that I would never see those pictures my aunt promised me. They let me sit on with Liz's class for a couple hours because I just couldn't cope with my classes.

When I got there it looked a little different but I glanced towards the hall that I believe where my locker was and Liz's classroom was at that time. I believe if I tried to walk down the hall, I wouldn't have made it without crying.

I felt a little sad because a lifetime ago, when I was there, I was still my daughter's Mom. Also, a lifetime ago, where people would ask me if I had a baby and I would say no. I remember carrying a picture of Izzy and my niece in a flap in my calculator and they would again ask and I would say, yea, I had twins! Jerks!

In someways, it felt like victory, because I did what was needed for my son and after all that heartache, I came out alive and knowing my daughter. There was a time that I didn't want to live. The first year without my daughter was the worst. It does get easier but birthmoms never forget.

It's kind of strange to think that years later after me, my daughter walked those same halls and then my son did too. The only one who won't walk those halls is my youngest son. It's a different district so it would mean that he would be living with his Dad and that's just not going to happen.

I hope Liz can help us with my son. Even if it's reassuring me that we are making the right move with middle school. I do understand that he will be tested and in math and reading be taught at grade level instead of the actual grade he is in. This is good but why did it take getting to middle school to teach at his level. I don't get it.

I hope someday to see Liz again but hopefully not at the middle school from hell. The middle school wasn't the actual hell but the hell that was within me. I am glad that I did it and we will see what can be done for my son.

I been thinking I wonder if some of my anxiety about my son going to middle school is a result of me becoming pregnant and having my daughter and her being placed for adoption during the middle school years. I don't know. It's the time that my parents just stopped being parents and left their four children on our for quite a bit of time.

I am going to get ready to take my son's IEP to the middle school where I went through most of my labor. I was too scared to go to the nurse. I have been an emotional wreck the last day or so and I imagine that having this tasks on my hands is part of it.
I am going to do it though, because I only get one chance to make it right for my son. She might tell me that they are doing it right and all but maybe that would make me feel better. Or she might have ideas of how to get more out of his education.

On an off subject of this outing that I have to do, my son had me get a book from the library and wants me to read it. I am doing it and he tells me it's so good that they will have to pry the books out of my hands.

answering a comment

Remember that your daughter and your sons have different fathers. That could account for some of their differences school-wise. If your ex is not doing his job as a parent could you have your son return to your home to live?

Yes, my sons do have different fathers than my daughter. I haven't ever thought too deeply into that about their education but it could be part of my sons struggles. I really don't know anything about Izzy's birthfather's family history but I don't think he did either. He was adopted.

However, my ex husband had a couple aunts with mental issues. One, severe and not not as severe. He has a niece that was in special education all her life and acts years below her actual age.

We have thought of having my oldest son move back in and I believe there is a small part of him that would like to do that because he said in counseling how he thinks it was a mistake to go live with his Dad. He knows that he is losing out on things because he is living there off one income and when you only have one income you have to take hours where you can get them.

My current husband and I have talked about him moving back but we have fears. Will the child that tried to push him down the stairs because he was mad come back? We would hope things would be different because things are different. My current husband no longer drinks 24/7. He has been sober for two years in May. He has made huge changes but they have been slow.

We think that our households are ran so different that it would be a huge shock and adjustment to my sons. First, we don't really get into video games and I don't know if his Dad would let him bring them. Also, honestly, I wouldn't want video games here to influence my youngest son. I have seen how the obsession of video games takes front stage and everything else comes second. On top of that, I see how when my son is without video games he is like a fish out of water. He just don't know what to do with himself. Okay, I know that is way off my topic on why I don't know if it would work for my son to live with me again. But not really if he would bug me every hour that he is awake to entertain him.

My sons Dad drives a taxi for a living right now and most of his income is cash. We don't feel that he would be honest in what he makes and pay child support for the two kids. As of right now, neither one of us pays child support. I hate for money to be part of the reasoning but it's a fact a life. One more person to cloth and feed would add up and can we afford it without the extra help. My oldest son came over in different shoes and told me how he seen his friend had them in his locker and asked him why did he have shoes in there and the kid asked him if he wanted them. This would never fly with my little son. We can and will afford to buy shoes. I don't know if my older son does this because he needs new shoes or wants new shoes.

We have thought about how Alex moving back in could affect Stephen and it scares us. When hell was breaking lose when he lived here, I remember Stephen saying please don't fight as he went to sleep. Can you imagine sadder words? I can but those are pretty high up there on the sadder things to hear your child say as he prepared to go to bed. Stephen is in special education with an IEP. We have to work on things longer than normal for other kids and while we love Stephen it is an challenge. He is going to be entering middle school and as of right now loves school. I am afraid of the stress being too much if Alex comes back and we end up fighting all the time. I know this sounds selfish but I have one child that does what he asks and the other one that doesn't. It's a scary idea to rock the boat.

Well, this is getting long and I have more on my mind about this subject but I will get back to it in another post.

teachers

During my education, I have had a couple teachers and a couple professionals that really made an impression on me. Teachers have a job to teach their students and are highly underpaid, but for me, I had teachers that really did more than teach. They showed more compassion and concern for my emotional well being and along with my educational needs than my parents didn't.
One of these teachers, home schooled me after I gave birth to my daughter. She would pick me up and we would go other places because I didn't have an home to work in.
After, I went back to school, she continued to be a person that watched out for me. My locker was right across from her classroom. I would say it was done on purpose but it was there before they knew that I was going through a pregnancy and adoption.
I have never been back to the school, because while I did have support the memories were just too bad for me. My oldest son ended up going to this same school and I could never face the courage to go back. I know that it wasn't good but at the time, I just didn't have it in me. It didn't hurt that this big day to invite the parents was on her birthday.

A few months ago, I found Liz on facebook and sent her a friendship request. I have been able to share with her how I have found my daughter and met her. It was a great moment to share that with her because she knew me from way back then.

I learned just from her status that she is a special education teacher. I don't recall if I knew that back then or not. Just for the record, she never taught me in a formal classroom. She was only my teacher for the six weeks until I was able to go back to school.

I have been going through some hard times with the reality of my youngest son going on to middle school and feeling lost in a system of special education.

I wrote her and doubled checked that she was in special education and she said yes and she is a advocate for special education students and how could she help me.

I gave her the background information on my son and she is asking for his IEP and other tests that the school has done. She told me to tell them that we have an advocate for him. I am so relieved. I finally have someone who can help us. Maybe, the help will just be telling me that everything is going alright and to trust that this way is working. Or maybe, she will have other suggestions.

She did tell me that in my state they can't retain a child back unless it can be proven that he or she didn't learn anything. So, as long as they learned one thing in the school year they go on. What kind of hogwash law is that?

My biggest hurdle for myself is going to be able to walk into that school and turn in the paperwork for her to look at. It's not going to be easy. I do think I am in a much better place now. I know longer dream of what my daughter looks like. I can actually get an image in my mind of her and can remember her voice. I know longer fear if she is alive or dead. I get reminder everyday that she is safe. My daughter is no longer the baby that was given up to adoption. She is a young, bright woman that has grown from that baby.

So, while it will be hard and I might cry. I know that I have to do this for my son.

For all the teachers, that read my blog. You have a really hard job but I hope you find it rewarding. Parents send their children to you to teach but you do so much more than that. You really have the ability to make a difference in a young persons life and I thank you for that.

Adoption has given me really bad self esteem as a Mother. I will admit that meeting my daughter, in some ways, have made it worse.
My oldest son who lives with his Dad has 3 credits between 9Th and 10Th grade year. He is in the middle of 10Th grade. He hasn't even pulled a D out of his hat. I am ticked. He just doesn't care. I see him holding a sign that will say will work for food or money and being a waste on society. My dog could go to school and pull better grades. She could at least pass gym and lunch and follows directions.

My little guy has struggled all his life with learning disabilities and has an IEP and we had a meeting for 6TH grade. He makes improvements but are we being too hard? Is using a calculator, and word charts giving up on him? How about the alpha smart so he can type his homework because writing his physically hard on him?

I see Izzy as being a success in school and life and I want that for my sons. How come the children that I parent struggle and she is doing great. I feel like it must be because I am a bad Mom, but I know that I am not a bad Mom. Or am I? Izzy is doing so well.

This sucks. I want the best for my children. I want the best for all children.

It makes me sad. How can my son make it in middle school? How come Alex is wasting tax payers dollars in school? My little guy tries so hard. Will he continue to try hard in middle school? Will the other kids be mean because he is different?

Am I suppose to punish Alex on the two days that he is here every other week? His Dad doesn't punish him but will two days of punishment make him improve where the rest of the time he gets to play video games and hang out with friends.

Morning conversation

My son tries to skip out on breakfast and I been working really hard at making sure that he eats this past few months. It's given me a sometime that I can have alone with him.

Today, he was asking me about our dog Ann and how much money did she cost me and where did we go get her from. He remembers choosing between two dogs. They were sisters. He said isn't it mean that they were separated? Yea. I suppose it is kinda mean but I couldn't justify paying for two labs and bringing both of them home. I thought about what if I didn't choose my dog and took her sister. Do I believe that we would be any less in love if we choose the other dog? No. I think we would of trained her and loved her just the same, but we wouldn't have the same dog.

I wonder does he get the concept that he was separated from his sister like the two dogs? That it's sad that Mom wasn't able to bring all three of her children home like I couldn't bring Ann sister home?

At the end of breakfast, I was joking and told Ann that I wanted my 300 back from her and she gave me her paw. My son thought that was funny and said what would you rather have Ann or the money. I said, Ann is better than money and we laughed at her payment of her paw.

Also, he agreed that we love Ann and she has a good family. Plus, he wants to write a letter to the breeder and see if he has any pictures of her sister. So, maybe, we will have a dog reunion.

I thought I throw a picture of Ann on this post. Isn't she beautiful?