If your a reader of my private blog and haven't checked it out in a while.. if you have time go do it.

Also, I talked to a coworker about my daughter and she told me how a friend of hers Mom made her give up her daughter for adoption and how she is having a hard time. It's been less than two years. I gave her my number and told her she could have her friend call me. I don't think I have all the answers but maybe I can be some help to her even if it's just someone to talk to that knows what it's like.

I have been dealing with some sadness and crying... and more sadness and more crying... I won't get into why I am sad or why I am crying but I just had to share with you how things are so different now with my husband. Before, if I was sad, it was better for me to try to hide it or not express it because it just wasn't good.

Now, I can say, I am sad or I can just be looking down and he tries his best these days. That could be trying to tell me that things are going to work out. Or it could be giving be a hug or a kiss or it might be something as simple as share some cinnamon rolls together. Even though, I am gonna cry, I am so happy that my husband is treating with such care and compassion.

About the Meld Fund Raising... Pay pal wouldn't let me pay myself and I am just horrible with putting money aside so when I give totals I am just going to give totals that was raised through the blogging. That is twenty dollars and I still plan on hoping to get more but if not I will give that or more out in December.

What I am going to do for my part is just buy the Meld kids clothes. I already do it but been buying mostly baby stuff. I asked the worker do I bring the clothes to her or the home and she said her and the girls can look through it. Well, honestly, I haven't been buying clothes for the babies that I take care of.. it's been mostly newborn stuff. So, today, I went and spent 15.00 on clothes that I think would be more likely to fit them. Also, I will be honest with ya.. I get more of a pick me up just by going and buying them and playing with the clothes. So, I hope people will continue to donate and if not that's okay. I am impressed that I don't have to blog about how not one single person reached out to help. I can say that three people reached out to help and for that I thank you.

My ten year old said, it's been really windy the last couple days and I wonder who is doing it? I said, "who do you think it doing it?" He said, "maybe, the devil, he wants to (makes a noise with his voice and kind of signals something breaking with this motions. Ok, you had to be there.

But is this when I am suppose to tell him that it's God and he is a good God and he never leaves us or foresakes us? These winds are pretty dangerous.. down wires, trees and stuff? So, if a tree falls on our house then it's God's will. blah blah...

Thank you

I have never really taken the time to talk to the adoptive parents or the couples are waiting to adopt about how much it means to me when I see that they have either linked my blog to their page or another birthmom's blog to their page.

I think some adoptive couples are closet readers.. shhhh don't want people to know that I am reading the other side.. or maybe some adoptive couples have zero interest in reading the other side and that makes me very sad. I found a lot of comfort from learning for adoptive couples and it's been good to read from adoptees too. Sometimes, it's a hard read especially if they are sad, because it makes me feel bad. Their birthmom (could very well, be like me) made a decision that made them sad. For those that are sad or hurting because of adoption, I am sorry.

Well, anyways, it makes me happy when I see adoptive couples or waiting couples willing to not only read birthmoms blogs but to link the blogs to their page. I have to wonder do the ones with the links to birthmoms in open adoptions or desire open adoptions for your child and your child's birthparents? ...... and the ones who only have adoptive couples blogs linked have closed adoptions or only desire closed adoption... do the blogs of those hurting... cause them too much guilt? Guilt because you gained your child through adoption and haven't come to terms with how to deal with it yet.. or guilt because you want to adopt and forget the birthmoms?

So, tell me... am I correct.. if you link birthmom's blogs.. can you tell me if the adoptions are open or closed? And if you choose not to link them.... can you tell me if it's open or closed?

Again, thanks for those that do. It shows me that your willing to learn from others and that makes me very happy. Also, when I see how much your love your little babies and kids... it makes me feel better about someone else loving my daughter as much as I do.

Dear Izzy

It's been a year since you first wrote me. Well, a year tomorrow. I can only imagine how much of a surprise it was to get that first message from me. I really thought long and hard about do I or don't I send that letter. I have to admit that the having you at my fingertips was too much of a chance to let pass by me.
I can't imagine how it would of felt if you chose not to write back. But you did, in your time, write me and it's been a out of this world experience to what you look like and to learn how well you are doing. I think you have great parents and I am happy to have found that out. I don't know how I could have handled it to hear that they didn't treat you well.
I dream of the day that we can meet. It will be awesome. I am so happy that you have trusted me into your life and taken the time to get to know me. You are connected to your brothers through FB too and I love it when I see you talk to them. It was so cool that you just had to notify me because my oldest had a skanky girlfriend. In that moment, it felt like a big sister watching out for her brother. You probably notice that I don't use the brother/sister word too often because I am just not sure what the future holds and I want to protect my kids. I let them decide on what to call you. Well, anyways, I think you are a beautiful, funny and smart girl.
Love always,

I don't talk about my reunion with my daughter because I want to protect her privacy. But I am going to try to write this post without crossing that line.

Adoption created a lot of self esteem issues in me. It makes me second guess my role as a Mom. It doesn't just stop with my raised kids. I feel that I have carried some of my self esteem issues and guilt into my reunion. It's mostly things that I feel or don't feel. Sometimes, I feel like if I write my daughter that I am bothering her. I feel that I don't deserve her. I feel that I need reassurance from her that she won't just stop talking to me. I don't express these concerns to her. But when sometime goes by without contact, I get nervous and when I hear from her again, I can breathe again. In a way, I feel like you almost reverse the role of Mother and child. Like, I need reassurance from her that she will still be there. It's kind of sad.

Don't get me wrong. I am in a much happier state with having contact with my daughter and I try to respect her and understand that she might not have the same desires of constant communication. Plus, she is a teen. Who wants to be in constant contact with anyone besides the boyfriend.

Sometimes, I am scared that my Mom could or would do something to keep my daughter from me but when I try to get rid of the thought.. I think what could my Mom say or do to make my daughter stop talking to me? I don't know but I still can't even bring myself to even tell my Mom that I am in contact. Maybe, I am not ready for that. Maybe, it's that I don't wanna share. My girl!

I have my fears that my ex husband would love to try to get my younger son to live with him. Ya, know, he is the cool parent who gets him a cell phone to talk and text on and wouldn't let him bring it home. Probably, because he knows that I don't think a ten year old who is never alone needs a cell phone. Besides, the fact that he will lose it. I told my husband my fear and he said that Stephen will never live with his Dad. He promised me that.

I love my husband very much. It was our 3rd wedding anniversary . Yesterday, he paid off the doll that I had on layaway. I love to collect them and dress them.

Back on the subject of reunion, I am happier. I just wanted to blog out in the open and let people know that reunion is good but it doesn't solve all the issues that adoption created. I hope I did that without telling too much information on Izzy. It's not that she reads this but if she did. I would hope she thought I did it in a respected way.

Next Sunday, is my husband's and mines 3rd wedding anniversary. The people that have been reading me all along know that to get to that point and be happy not something to be taken lightly. There was a time that we were only together because he refused to move. We used to fight and fight and there were times that I would have liked to beat him silly. I know physical abuse isn't a laughing matter but either is alcoholism. It was rough.
I am happy to report that he has been sober for a year and half now. Also, that we have turned our failing marriage around to what I consider a very happy one.
My husband used to really get me going on adoption. His views and thoughts were so different than mine and he didn't have a problem trying to pound his ideas into my head. Not literally. I remember countless fights over adoption and just being so hurt.
Most of the times, we can talk about adoption. Sometimes, he emails me things and we do it in email. Once in a while, things can heat up over it. It's such a touchy topic and while my thoughts have matured and I have a better understanding of adoption of some fronts of it. There are some parts of it that I can't budge.
I am very happy with my husband and so proud of him. I am not sure what the key was to our turning a failing marriage around. If I knew all the answers, I would sell them to you. I think it was a little bit of marriage counseling, quite a bit of his quitting drinking and some of my own counseling and soul searching that I have done on my own.