Dear Birthfather (Todd)

Dear Todd,
I haven't seen or heard from you in many years. I think this will be the first of a few letters. I have so much that I want to ask and tell you. I know that you won't be reading this unless by some odd chance our two worlds meet through this blog.
I met you way back when I was a teen. I am pretty sure that I was a 7Th grader but it could have been the summer after 7TH grade. My parents had split the year before and my Mom had a new boyfriend. She really wasn't around much. I basically hung with my older sister and that is how I met you. I remember we went to an apartment that a bunch of people were partying. I guess it was her crowd of people. I really didn't hang with a crowd.
When we met, I think you were about 19 years old. Old enough for war, old enough to smoke but not old enough to drink. I think you were slightly taller than me. You had blue eyes and awesome dark hair. You kept it long. I remember how wavy it was. You were fit. I remember how you had some muscles on you and you had an amazing smile. You could charm any girl. You were my first love. I don't think any one could forget their first love.
We were together for about a year, but it could have been less. I really don't remember. I am ashamed to admit that I couldn't remember your last name, because I couldn't pronounce it. I remember walking up to main street to visit you at your apartment that you shared with a roommate. It's been so long. If it wasn't for the daughter that we created, I would wonder if you were all just part of a young girl's imagination. I remember a few things about you. I remember how you told me you were adopted and didn't have much to do with your family. I remember you told me that you were part Italian . However, I never really took time to really know if you meant that it was in your blood or you were adopted into an Italian family. I remember how you talked about your first love. Her name was Johanna. You always said that a part of her still loved her. I remember feeling a little jealous. I wanted all of your love.
I remember how you seemed to have some mixed emotions going on. One day, you would try to convince me to run away with you. I stayed up almost all night waiting for you. Then, another day, you were trying to break up with me. I remember you telling me to hang with my own age of kids. Maybe you didn't love me anymore and it was an out. Or maybe you knew that you were too old and trying to break things off for that reason. Most likely, I will never know. One in a great while, I do wonder about you. I wonder if I would ever run into you again. I wonder if I would be happy to see you or if I would feel ill feelings toward you. Right now, I really don't know. I feel their are a lot of unanswered questions between the two of us. It's not as if getting the answers will change the past but maybe it would provide some more healing.

Well, that is enough for one letter. I will write you again someday.

I am done with counseling. I never did go on to any further in depth to deal with trauma of how my parents treated me as a child and how my first husband treated me. It's something that I want to continue to work out on my own and don't really want to make someone rich. However, one of my adoption related issues that I have been wishing for closure on is concerning Izzy's birthfather. I haven't seen him in years. I don't even remember his last name. I used to fear him for two reasons.
1. I lied to the courts on who her father was and he didn't get the say in if she was adopted or not. I was scared for Izzy that he could hire an lawyer and be removed from their home.
2. I told everyone that I was raped. It was a lie. I even told my boyfriend, then husband, then ex husband. lol the same lie. I never told him about Izzy until I was pregnant with our first son. I feared Todd (birthfather) could ruin my life. Just for the record my current husband knows the whole truth.

One of the things that the counselor suggested was seeking closure from either trying to find him. She gave me some ideas like see if I can get a hold of year books from that time and get a name for him. Then, contact him for the answers that I seek. I don't think I would do it this way. If I did search the yearbooks, I don't think I could contact him. It wouldn't be fair to show up demanding for answers. He was hurt in this process too.

The less scary advice that involves the least amount of people is to write him an letter. She said sometimes just writing out what is on my mind might help bring some of that closure that I seek.

So, that is my plan. I am going to write him an letter or two or three. I don't really don't much about him on here, but he was my first love and something went really bad and we both lost a daughter. I think more people need to remember that for every woman out there that lost a child to adoption there is a man out there that lost to adoption. Maybe a lot of it is the man's fault. But remember women are suppose to mature faster and by the time they do and see what's been done it's too late. They hurt too. I know Todd was very hurt.

Alex was home this weekend. It was shorter and much better than the last one. It was shorter because I had to work Friday night and Monday he had summer school. I have been thinking a lot about the tension and what causes it. I think some of it is forgetting that there are somethings that Alex does that all kids do. Take McDonalds for example. Right when we left to get Alex, Stephen asked if we could get McDonald's. I told him maybe. What I need to remember is that they are kids and will eat that every day if they could. Then, before I even got to Alex, he asked if we could get something to eat. So, we ended up eating lunch at McDonald's followed by ice cream. I am learning something about me too. I am getting to that age where Fast food doesn't sit well with me.

I think another reason for the tension is that I tend to try to let Alex have his way all the time and it makes me upset. So, this weekend, when he asked to change the radio station, I would say after this song. I know it sounds little but it does bug me that every time he gets in the van that he has to change it to his music. I think he needs to hear no more. Even if it makes him mad. I can't walk around giving in 100% of the time and still feel normal or happy. I can bend some rules and adjust my thinking sometimes, but I am the parent.

Saturday, we went to an out door pool and swam for about four hours. It was awesome. But my kids get too rough and that did bug me. It bugs me some that Alex can't ever just take time doing something on his own. I am not talking about him swimming on his own and me not being there, but the fact that his hands have to always be on somebody. If they were not on me then they were on his brother. A few different times I felt a slight pain because he just grabs too hard. I can see it in my other sons face that he doesn't always want to play like that or play in general. Sometimes, we both just want to swim.
After I cooked dinner, Alex asked my husband are you going to eat with us like a real family. I thought that was cute. To me it shows that Alex craves the family life. We do so many things on our own. A lot of it is just my children's and mine interests are so different.

Sunday, I had an reunion that my old company put on. I was nervous about bringing the boys because I knew they would probably be bored. I thought about seeing if their Dad wanted to have them, but my husband said that Alex needs to see more about what I do. And if a picnic with a bunch of women is what I do then he should go. Well, anyways, I told the kids if they were good then we would go swimming for two hours at the same place. (it was cheaper at this time)
We were there for about 3 1/2 hours and there wasn't too many people. It was mostly the people who ran the place and their children. I kind of felt like I crashed the party. lol My kids did pretty good. They did bug me a little to leave but not really. I hung some with them, but also sat around some of the people to talk. My sons' hung out mostly together but when a young girl showed up. She is probably in her early 20's and very cute. Suddenly, my oldest is part of the conversations.
Then, we went swimming for the two hours. They weren't quite as rough. It was funny though. This time it was Stephen saying come on let's play this game.

My major problem that got me really upset is that my son was trying to get me to listen, watch videos either on youtube or on his phone. I don't care for waiting for the stuff to load. Most videos, I just don't watch. However, I try for my son. I watched a whole video that used swear words and I just don't care for it. Then, he wanted me to watch something on his phone. I wasn't watching and he was doing it on his own. I finally told him that I didn't want to hear it and to shut it off or leave the room. He kind of got mad and said what do you expect me to do.. Be alone in the basement? I let him storm to the room he shares with his brother later and then I went to talk to him. I told him that I really don't care to listen and watch stuff with all that swearing. I can see you doing that with friends, but I am not your friend.

I think back to my childhood. I knew there was a time and a place to say off colored words and around Mom and Dad wasn't the time. My ex husband actually asked what I thought about him saying ass and asshole in front of me. I told him that I don't talk like that around my parents and I won't take it out of him. He agreed with me but told me how Alex thinks he is old enough now. I think the technology is helping create kids that just don't have any respect. Or at least creating children with the access to some of this garbage and if your not careful before you know it your hearing crap that normally would only be around adults.

I really didn't feel the tension in me after he left this time. I feel so much more relaxed. I hope that continues. I don't want my son to feel it too. Because if I feel it then he might too.

Next week, Stephen will go to his Dad for five days and before this month ends Alex will do that here. It will be interesting to see how this goes.

questions or topics

Does anyone have any questions or topics that you would like to ask or have me blog about? Adoption or non adoption related.. Please feel free to ask and I will answer you.

Wow! 109 followers!! Do I hear 110 followers? I am doing pretty well in adoption land. I have been on cloud nine because I am feeling confident that life will continue to be good. I am still volunteering for Meld on Monday nights and I love it. It continues to be a source of great enjoyment. I love the little girls. Especially the ones who want to be held. I bring my children when I can. My oldest is good at keeping the oldest child busy and my little son is a sucker for the little girls. He just loves holding them and wishes they could be friends.

I want to continue to blog about my teen. It really just bugs me that he throws around the "I get ignored when I come over here"
Monday evening, we were on the way to volunteer for Meld. I seen my Mom drive past us. I said, "there goes my Mom who ignores me me. Who I haven't seen or barely heard from since Christmas. "I went on to say how it makes me mad that he thinks he gets ignored. I know he shouldn't pay for my Mom's mistakes but I believe he should be aware of them. I told him how things were for me and my sisters and brother.

I sometimes wonder if parenting a teen is hard on me, because those are the years that my parents really weren't around. We were left alone a lot and was given responsibilities that was our parents role. We kind of did as we pleased and no one was around most of the time to tell us no. Does that make these years extra hard on me? I think it kind of does. Because I didn't grow up with a normal teen years. I didn't have my parents putting limitations on what we can and can't do. My Mom didn't say you can go do these wrong things, but just wasn't around to question what we were doing with our time.

I don't recall being terribly upset about it then. I will be honest. I think it's every teenagers dream to have their parents gone for a couple days.. And the fact that the parents left us with money. Cool. The only down side from a teenagers point of view is that we were left with young children. Besides, hanging with the wrong crowd, skipping school. I did the normal teen age thing. I loved listening to music. I didn't crave my Mom to hang with me. Maybe deep down I craved the stability of a parent watching out for me. I did have my older sister who did watch out for me, but not always in the right ways. After all, she is only a year and half older than me.

So when my son wants all this attention and I do give it to him. Trust me. I don't ignore him. I have gotten into video games. I listen to boring videos online. I ride bikes. I watch movies. I take him to the ymca and hang out with him. I try to vary my routine to fit him in when he is over. I just don't want to go so far off my routine that it makes it hard on me. If my son had his way, we would be watching about 2 movies a day. It's not something I can do. I am a mover.

I got upset at my ex husband for wanting him home to clean the house and spend time with him. He says that it's his day off to spend time with him. Hello.. You have him all the time. I see him every other weekend. Deal with it. I am trying to extend the visits because I have to believe that if he is around me more then he might figure out a way to feel like he lives here. It brought up some feelings about adoption.. How adoptive parents might feel about making time for birth parents to visit and maybe feeling jealous of having to give up that time. Hello.. deal with it. You get them all the time. These feelings are of course my own thinking and no one adoptive parent has made me write this.

To my son's credit, this weekend, he did ride his bike some on his own. He did play some games with his brother. So, it was a better weekend. It just bugs me that he whines and claims I ignore him but then wants to go home. I want my son to know that cooking together, grooming the dog, doing lawn work is family things. It's what a family does together.

Something kind of on this same subject just came to mind. When I was 17 years old, my Mom married her boyfriend and bought a house. I was given my own bedroom with my own phone line and we had a living room upstairs with cable tv and games and I pretty much stayed to myself when I wasn't working. I remember my Mom used to get upset that I didn't spend time with her. I hung out on my own. 1. They gave me this room and all these things.. I thought they wanted me out of the way. 2. I had been so long without my Mom around that I just didn't feel the need to do Mom and daughter things. You can't check out and just check back in that easily.

I had my son with me from Friday, around 2 pm until Monday at 8 30 pm. I am trying to keep him longer, because I feel that he smothers me, because he doesn't see me enough.

Friday, We went to the Y. I skipped my normal routine of walking and went right into the pool with my boys. It had already been decided that we were most likely going out to dinner. Then, about 5 pm, it was confirmed that we were meeting someone at 6 30 pm. So, I go back in the pool and tell him that we only have a little while left because we are meeting someone for dinner. He asked sometime that day could we check out the video store that is going out to business and get sundaes at McDonald's.. Ugh... I get upset. Why does he always have to ask for that? isn't dinner enough? Isn't the fact that I always have ice cream in the freezer enough. I told that he always asks that and I feel like he is taking advantage of me. I think that was the wrong wording. I didn't explain enough. I think he tries to take advantage of the fact that I don't see him enough and use it to get me to do things for him. We have been trying really hard to not go to places like that. I tell my youngest son that for a dollar, we can eat ice cream once or for a dollar or two we can have several servings. So, I need to explain more to him. I guess.

I told my son up front that we expect him in bed or hanging in the basement on his own by 11 pm. We played the wii and stuff and at about 11 30 or so. I had to tell him to either go to bed or go play on his own.

Saturday, is my husband's day off and I admit that I didn't do much with him. I was suffering from cramps and didn't feel well. So, I basically just sat around on the couch. I had to decline the bike ride. About, 4 pm, my ex husband came to get our son for a birthday party. So, we took my other son to see if this little carnival was still running, but it wasn't. So, we looked at an nursery of flowers and trees and went to get some bunny food. When Alex came home. We played around on the computer, wii and took that bike ride.

Sunday, My husband had to work and we were playing the wii and I was planning on taking them to the Y so they could swim and I could walk. So, while, playing my friend calls and says that she is coming by with her husband to look at my sink. (it leaks) So, I quit playing, because my kitchen is messy and they are clean freaks. lol So, my kids play while I visit with my friend and it turns out that it's just best if I buy a new facuet and he will put it in for me for free. After, that we went to the Y and they went swimming and I did my normal routine at the Y.
Sunday night, my son cooked dinner. He always requests something and we try to give him the chance to pick the meal. But this time, we told him that yes, next time, we could have his choice but he had to cook it. So, with my supervision my son cooked our dinner.

It was really good. I want to do more things like that with him, because he needs to know how to prepare a meal.

Monday, I wake up and my son is still sleeping. I get an text from my ex husband wanting to know when Alex is going to be home. He needs him to help clean. I tried to explain to him that I wanted to keep him until the evening. I told him how Alex is always acting as if he doesn't get enough time with me and now I have time to be just with him. After we both got kind of upset but then agreed that he would stay the day and come home after we babysit for Meld.
So, we watch a movie. We play on the wii and he tries to help me groom the dog. We go get some free pizza at my husband's job and then we get the ice cream from McDonald's. We come back home and work on the dog some more.
We pick up my husband and get Stephen from camp and come home. My son throws around the "You ignore me" He wanted to go home. He didn't want to stay to babysit the kids. However, he wants to stop at the video store again. I said, I am not going by there until I am on the way to the babysitting.
So, he comes with me. He doesn't have a choice. I took both of my sons. It was a good thing, because the other volunteer didn't even show. There was five kids and that is too many for just me. Both my sons were helpful in their own way.

Then, babysitting is over and I bought him some taco bell and told Stephen we would eat at home and I dropped him off. I will go on in another post tomorrow or so on this subject.