Lately, as I print these letters for your scrap book, I wonder what would be on your mind when you learn that I have been blogging my experience as your Birthmother for the whole world to see? Also, that I write letters for the whole world to see. Would you feel honored that other people are praying and hoping for a reunion. Or would you feel betrayal that letters to you was share for the whole world to see. Would you ask why I blog? If I said, to have somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings would you wonder why I didn't just write in a journal on paper.
To answer the questions that you may or may not ever ask is that at first I blogged as a place where I could express myself. In my experience, I haven't really been able to speak of you or adoption very well. I always felt like I wasn't understood and most people felt odd talking to me. It just made me feel ashamed and I just learned to not deal with my issues. Now, why not just write in an journal on paper? I like the fact that I can connect with other Birth Moms. It helps me feel not so alone. Also, I feel that if I convince one adoptive parent that closed adoptions should be a thing of the past and that they don't need to feel fear when it comes to their child's birth parents then this blog has served it's purpose. I can't think of any person more trust worthy of an adoptive child than the birth parents. Sometimes, not every often, but I do hear from children who have been adopted. I like to hear their insight.
I have been getting counseling for a year now and slowly I am starting to be more comfortable in my role as a birthmother. I am trying to live in the past. I am trying to let go of the what if's. That what if''s are not going to get me anywhere. I might wish that I had the support to raise you. I can't go and redo things and nor do I assume that you would want to redo things.
I hope when/if you ever read this blog that you will be proud of me. I hope that I do get me feelings across about the adoption without being too harsh on anyone. I try to focus more on the pain and not so much the blame. I don't agree with closed adoptions and I wish things had been different between your parents and myself. I think to see you grow, even if only through pictures, would have given me a sense of peace. It would allow me to feel that you were safe and well and also gave me more of a reason not to live in secret over you.That is something that I still struggle with to this day. I need to know that you are ok. I never want you to feel that you weren't loved or wanted. I do respect your parents and hope that you have had a great relationship and that they will continue to love you with all their hearts. Please know that I love you just as much. Not more not less. Your a beatiful girl! May someday, I can look into your eyes and see your inner beauty along with your outside beauty. Iwill always love you.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Today, I learned that the girl on face book is Izzy. I am 100% sure. I don't want to say what confirmed this for me, but trust me when I say that it was all honest.
Also, today, just now, I seen a cousin who told me an aunt died a few days ago. This is the same aunt who I spent quite a bit of time with when I was growing up. I admit that I haven't seen her in the recent years. My Mom didn't even bother to call and tell me, but that's just how she is. Not even a death will cause her to call me. Oh well, what can I do.
Also, today, just now, I seen a cousin who told me an aunt died a few days ago. This is the same aunt who I spent quite a bit of time with when I was growing up. I admit that I haven't seen her in the recent years. My Mom didn't even bother to call and tell me, but that's just how she is. Not even a death will cause her to call me. Oh well, what can I do.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
mushy stuff
Yesterday, I had a nice day with my husband. I tried to tell him how much it means to be that our marriage is getting stronger. Men just don't seem to want to talk mushy stuff. Before, we contacted a church for marriage counseling I wanted out. I was so unhappy. We both were being jerks. Our family life was crazy. The thing that made me ask for help was when my little son said not fight tonight. I am sure we kept him up at times. We were too into who was wrong and trying to prove our points to think of anyone else.
I can count many times that I left in the night, because the fighting was just too much. I am sure I put myself at risk being out at all hours of the night. I was ready to leave my own house, because what is a home if you didn't feel the love in it. Now, I feel the love all around!
I can honestly say that we have had a complete turn around. I am going to give credit to lots of people. Myself, my husband and the coworker that said call for help, the pastor K and his wife and I maybe everyone is right that a life with God in it will be better. I am just amazed at the difference in our relationship.
It doesn't mean things are perfect and we might not ever need outside help again. Pastor K said that if I professed my love to God that I would be happier and feel different. Sometimes, I agree that I am happier and life has changed. However, when it comes to my daughter, I still feel that hopeless feeling that I am fighting a major depression at times. I feel that this might even be too big for God to handle. Some of their advice, I wonder if they can handle their own advice if they were in my shoes. But they are not. I do plan on getting back to them, but only when I can let a little more time pass that I feel that I can choose the right words. I don't want to appear ungrateful for all their help. Well, I have to get ready for work.
I can count many times that I left in the night, because the fighting was just too much. I am sure I put myself at risk being out at all hours of the night. I was ready to leave my own house, because what is a home if you didn't feel the love in it. Now, I feel the love all around!
I can honestly say that we have had a complete turn around. I am going to give credit to lots of people. Myself, my husband and the coworker that said call for help, the pastor K and his wife and I maybe everyone is right that a life with God in it will be better. I am just amazed at the difference in our relationship.
It doesn't mean things are perfect and we might not ever need outside help again. Pastor K said that if I professed my love to God that I would be happier and feel different. Sometimes, I agree that I am happier and life has changed. However, when it comes to my daughter, I still feel that hopeless feeling that I am fighting a major depression at times. I feel that this might even be too big for God to handle. Some of their advice, I wonder if they can handle their own advice if they were in my shoes. But they are not. I do plan on getting back to them, but only when I can let a little more time pass that I feel that I can choose the right words. I don't want to appear ungrateful for all their help. Well, I have to get ready for work.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Dreams are weird, but sometimes nice. My experience as a birth mom, I really can't say that I dream about my daughter. How can you dream about someone you don't know. Last night, I had a dream, I talked to Izzy on the phone and then I met her. She was married to some famous rock star and had 5 kids. I really hope that at 18 she doesn't have kids. However, even with her 5 kids, I loved her just the same. I didn't want to wake up. In my dreams, I had my daughter. In reality, I don't. I do have two awesome boys and a husband who is loves me and my marriage is getting stronger. So I guess I need to take others advice and look at what I do have and not just what I don't have. I do wonder though would these same people tell someone mourning the death of a loved one the same thing? But with death, there is some closure. It's over with and done. My daugher is creating memories without me. I feel that part of my family is living else where.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
For years, I have struggled with the not knowing what Izzy looked like. I had an idea from the picture when she was about 2 or so that she might strongly resemble me. I will admit that it gave me joy in the fact. I thought maybe the parents wouldn't be able to help but think of me.
For a couple years, I had the small wallet of her on the fridge. I told my older son it was me. It then become too much of a lie to carry on so I just hid it away in the closet.
Over a year ago, I was able to enlarge the picture to a 4 by 6 and frame it on the wall. Alex was aware of her, but Stephen wasn't, but the picture wasn't questioned by Stephen. So, it's been hanging in my hallway for a over a year.(STephen now knows) She is on top, because she is the oldest, but she looks like a young toddler. Alex was the one who suggested she go on top, because she is the oldest.
He said, I wish we could see a picture of what she looks like now. That should be easy to do now. All I have to do is frame the one that I printed off face book, but if only it was that easy.
I don't want to admit how I got that picture. I don't want him or anyone else to try and contact her. Mine!! Stay away! That sounds so bad, but I don't feel that this last year of high school to contact her. Besides, Mine!!!
I feel really torn. I feel that by not telling the truth that I am not giving myself what I need. That is to proudly show her picture on the wall. I will admit that I don't want to appear weak to my kids. I have seen pictures in the yearbook and the face book. I feel that all the sneaking around to get the pictures just plays more into that my daughter is the dirty little secret. I am ashamed to admit that I have been treated so poorly. I don't want to admit defeat. I feel that by making me get the pictures any other way than them just handing/mailing them just makes me feel like I have done wrong. It all seems to wrap back into the idea that my daughter is a dirty secret that I am not a worthy enough person to be trusted with what she looks like.
It makes me very sad that they don't trust me. I could call them. I could sit by their place or Izzy's school, but I don't do any of that.
Today, I was able to go to church. I have missed about two weeks due to work. I really love going and I am glad that Pastor K and his wife helped me see that I need God in my life. I really want to continue to see them to address some of my issues. Sometimes, I feel that they are pushing me to figure things out on my own. I have met with Pastor K on my own once and once with his wife on my own. I personally feel the best when it's both of them. I feel like I have some questions for them that might feel like a debate. I don't really mean to turn their advice into an debate, but some of the advice they offer just doesn't quite sit with me. Maybe I will write about them another day.
I am still getting the impression that an family member might be reading my blog here. Note to you, please respect that this blog was made for me to safely express my thoughts as a birth mom and I don't want to step on any ones toes or hurt anyone. I have been asked why it bothers me if someone in real life was reading and my answer is that I feel safe, because the people who read don't know me. I can't personaly hurt them or step on their toes as in the same way as if my sisters, brother, or parents could possibly feel if they were reading.
For a couple years, I had the small wallet of her on the fridge. I told my older son it was me. It then become too much of a lie to carry on so I just hid it away in the closet.
Over a year ago, I was able to enlarge the picture to a 4 by 6 and frame it on the wall. Alex was aware of her, but Stephen wasn't, but the picture wasn't questioned by Stephen. So, it's been hanging in my hallway for a over a year.(STephen now knows) She is on top, because she is the oldest, but she looks like a young toddler. Alex was the one who suggested she go on top, because she is the oldest.
He said, I wish we could see a picture of what she looks like now. That should be easy to do now. All I have to do is frame the one that I printed off face book, but if only it was that easy.
I don't want to admit how I got that picture. I don't want him or anyone else to try and contact her. Mine!! Stay away! That sounds so bad, but I don't feel that this last year of high school to contact her. Besides, Mine!!!
I feel really torn. I feel that by not telling the truth that I am not giving myself what I need. That is to proudly show her picture on the wall. I will admit that I don't want to appear weak to my kids. I have seen pictures in the yearbook and the face book. I feel that all the sneaking around to get the pictures just plays more into that my daughter is the dirty little secret. I am ashamed to admit that I have been treated so poorly. I don't want to admit defeat. I feel that by making me get the pictures any other way than them just handing/mailing them just makes me feel like I have done wrong. It all seems to wrap back into the idea that my daughter is a dirty secret that I am not a worthy enough person to be trusted with what she looks like.
It makes me very sad that they don't trust me. I could call them. I could sit by their place or Izzy's school, but I don't do any of that.
Today, I was able to go to church. I have missed about two weeks due to work. I really love going and I am glad that Pastor K and his wife helped me see that I need God in my life. I really want to continue to see them to address some of my issues. Sometimes, I feel that they are pushing me to figure things out on my own. I have met with Pastor K on my own once and once with his wife on my own. I personally feel the best when it's both of them. I feel like I have some questions for them that might feel like a debate. I don't really mean to turn their advice into an debate, but some of the advice they offer just doesn't quite sit with me. Maybe I will write about them another day.
I am still getting the impression that an family member might be reading my blog here. Note to you, please respect that this blog was made for me to safely express my thoughts as a birth mom and I don't want to step on any ones toes or hurt anyone. I have been asked why it bothers me if someone in real life was reading and my answer is that I feel safe, because the people who read don't know me. I can't personaly hurt them or step on their toes as in the same way as if my sisters, brother, or parents could possibly feel if they were reading.
Scrap book ideas
I haven't really worked on my daughter's book in a while. I don't feel the strong need to do it or I will go nuts. I want to continue working on it, but I am pretty much fresh out of ideas. I have a couple more up my sleeve, but haven't taken the time to really focus on the book.
The book is mostly about me, but of course others are in my life so some family is in there too. I don't have too much extended family in there for a couple reasons. I tried to get pictures of my aunts and uncles from one aunt who most likely kept the best photos, but every time I asked, I get I will work on it. She is kind of elderly so I know it can't be her top concern.
A lot of it is my boys. I don't want to overdue it with them, but it's hard not to share. I don't know what will be too much. I have been trying to get more pictures taking of me. I normally am the one with the camera. I guess I feel that at this point if I focus on pictures of me then it's going to get boring.
I have done a few of my pets. I have been creative and have drawn. My few ideas in my head are adding the birthday pictures, my doll collection and maybe even throw in the famous cabbage patch era of the time I was growing up. I have got the perfect picture. My two cabbage patch dolls around my son's cabbage plant. I am planning on to continue to add the letters that I write on here in the book. Any one have any more ideas on what I can add to the book? I feel like it's starting to take a boring turn. I don't want to create the book to just create. I want it to have a meaning.
The book is mostly about me, but of course others are in my life so some family is in there too. I don't have too much extended family in there for a couple reasons. I tried to get pictures of my aunts and uncles from one aunt who most likely kept the best photos, but every time I asked, I get I will work on it. She is kind of elderly so I know it can't be her top concern.
A lot of it is my boys. I don't want to overdue it with them, but it's hard not to share. I don't know what will be too much. I have been trying to get more pictures taking of me. I normally am the one with the camera. I guess I feel that at this point if I focus on pictures of me then it's going to get boring.
I have done a few of my pets. I have been creative and have drawn. My few ideas in my head are adding the birthday pictures, my doll collection and maybe even throw in the famous cabbage patch era of the time I was growing up. I have got the perfect picture. My two cabbage patch dolls around my son's cabbage plant. I am planning on to continue to add the letters that I write on here in the book. Any one have any more ideas on what I can add to the book? I feel like it's starting to take a boring turn. I don't want to create the book to just create. I want it to have a meaning.
Monday, September 21, 2009
card
Enough time has passed that I can assume that Izzy's birthday card didn't get returned to sender. I didn't expect an answer from anyone so I can honestly say that I am not upset. I do wonder did they pass the card along or did they stash it or throw it away. I also wonder about the pictures from the past two letters I sent did they pass them along or trash them. I could have sent the card directly to her, but since she is still in high school, I thought I would show them the respect of giving them the option. The card was an really pretty pink card and it said I thought it was perfect for adoption, but not really for adoption.
On your birthday
Today,
You are all the memories,
People, and places
that have made you
who you are....
Today,
You are
a million precious things,
and a hundred different reasons
to smile and wish and dream about...
Today,
All the people you know and love
are thinking about you.
I thought this card and these words honored everyone in her life past and presence. It honored myself and her birthfather and the family traits passed down from generations. It honored her upbringing with her adoptive parents. It honored her schooling and her friends, just every person who has touched her life. Most of all, it told her that ALL THE PEOPLE, who know and love her are thinking about her.
Did she get this card? I wonder? I hope so. All I know is that I did what I thought was right. I let a young lady know that I have not forgot about her or have I stopped thinking and loving her.
I still can't quit find the right words to express how the picture on facebook is affecting me. My client was playing a Christian radio station yesterday, so I got to listen to comforting music for about 12 hours and after she went to bed, I just thought about the situation and how it makes me feel and I know my thoughts get twisted and I should just enjoy, but I can't. So I shed a few more tears to fill that ocean.
On your birthday
Today,
You are all the memories,
People, and places
that have made you
who you are....
Today,
You are
a million precious things,
and a hundred different reasons
to smile and wish and dream about...
Today,
All the people you know and love
are thinking about you.
I thought this card and these words honored everyone in her life past and presence. It honored myself and her birthfather and the family traits passed down from generations. It honored her upbringing with her adoptive parents. It honored her schooling and her friends, just every person who has touched her life. Most of all, it told her that ALL THE PEOPLE, who know and love her are thinking about her.
Did she get this card? I wonder? I hope so. All I know is that I did what I thought was right. I let a young lady know that I have not forgot about her or have I stopped thinking and loving her.
I still can't quit find the right words to express how the picture on facebook is affecting me. My client was playing a Christian radio station yesterday, so I got to listen to comforting music for about 12 hours and after she went to bed, I just thought about the situation and how it makes me feel and I know my thoughts get twisted and I should just enjoy, but I can't. So I shed a few more tears to fill that ocean.
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