Answer to a Question

Does my sister and other family members ask about Izzy?

My little sister is probably the only one that still asks about her and that I totally feel open talking to her about Izzy. Even then I feel a little guilty cause Izzy and my sister was connected thru facebook and Izzy went on a deleting spree of people she didn't talk to her and deleted my sister and quite a few of my other family members that had made the facebook connection. When I asked Izzy why she did it she said she just deleted people who she didn't talk to on there.
There were a couple people like my stepmom and her friend that Izzy deleted that I didn't care so much about.

Both my sister and Izzy recently got a fitbit so I suggested they friend each other and they did.

My Dad was really curious about Izzy until he actually met her and has never really brought her up again. He also met my very good friend that day and thought she was hot! So he continued to ask about her.

My brother and Izzy had a falling out on facebook. He was probably the only one trying to make conversations with her on there and he ended up offending her badly and she deleted him.

My big sister knows she is on there but so far hasn't attempted to friend her.

So all in all. Izzy has met my little sister, my little brother, my Dad, of course both of her brothers, my husband and even my ex husband ect cause she was invited to a party. Even though people have met her she still seems to be a topic that most people would rather avoid.

I don't know if they get that vibe from me or what. At times, I still find myself uncomfortable talking about her. I think it's the confidence thing. At times, I don't feel satisfied with our relationship and I don't really want to sound badly if I speak poorly of it. I don't want people to have negative thoughts ect. like they will look at me and think it must be my fault cause I am not good enough for her. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense.

birthday 2013

Izzy loved her flowers that I sent her. I think they were beautiful!!

She thanked me right on facebook and posted this picture of her flowers that were left at her door. It made me feel really good that not only did she love them that she shared them on facebook. The sharing on facebook shouldn't mean anything to me but I do feel left out when she shares other stuff from her family on there. I have to remember that this reunion thing is still a process that I have to accept at her level of comfort and maybe it has teken until now to feel comfortable showing things from my side of the family.

What was even more huge tham Izzy posting the picture and tagging my name is that Izzy's Mom liked the status!!

Oh wow!! I couldn't believe it. She has made the effort to acknowledge that I exsist in our daughter's life. I just find that huge! I know I have mixed feelings about her mother and at times I would love to crush her life a bug. Just a little humor!! I am only human. I get jealous. So I guess I have to accept her mother's faults of simliar traits. I don't know where the future will take us..

But I know one thing and it is that her parents did an awesome job raising her! I am grateful to them for that.

4 birthdays ago... day of celebration on my own.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. I remember how torn up I was about not knowing anything about my daughter. It was a bad year. It was around this time 4 years ago that I stumbled across her profile pic on facebook. I had checked before and I had never seen it. It seems like I lived a lifetime without her and yet it seems like I have had her back for a long time. I will write more about this birthday.

To read the post from 4 years ago. Go here.

4 birthdays ago..

I thought it would be neat to go back in my blog and see where I was 4 years ago on Izzy's birthday. Here is my post cut and pasted to show what was going on in my life and my heart way back then. A lot has changed.

Tomorrow is my daughter's 18Th birthday. I have had a lot of support this week, which I hope will make tomorrow a little easier to get by.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.

This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.

Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.

Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.

Birthday flowers

Izzy's birthday is in two days! I went with sending her flowers and it's the gift that I felt best with. It's been a tradition besides last year so flowers was my winning decision.

I had a hard time picking which flower arrangement to pick. This is the first time I couldn't look at flowers in the store and help pick them.

I went with this thing called deal of the day. So it means I am letting the florist arrange the flowers. So I figure they could use their creativity and make my little girl an beautiful arrangment of flowers. I splurged with sending 3 balloons with the flowers. If money wasn't an option I would have loved to see the surprize on her face with sending 22 balloons.. but 22 times 3 dollars is out of this world.

babies and dolls

Today at the church I babysit for I got to cuddle with a real live baby boy. The church doesn't have a lot of growing families and it's one of those kinds of churches that accepts everyone including cross dressers and I have oftened wondered if that's why they don't have many young people with children. However, all that is besides the point. Often times, they pay me to do nothing. Well, they have to pay me for my time kids or no kids.

I love it when I get the rare chance to have a baby in the nursery. There is one family that had a baby 4 months ago and they haven't been coming too often.

It was so nice to cuddle with him. It made all the child free days worth it to get that moment to cuddle with such an innocent sweet baby boy.

I have been trying to clean up my house now that I am here on my own without my husband. It's not coming along too fast and some of it is the normal dishes and laundry ect.

Today, I cleaned up 4 of the 6 of my dolls. They been collecting dust and to be honest didn't have clothes cause I had stripped them cause they were dirty.

There was a time where you wouldn't have seen my dolls all dirty like that. I don't know or can't pin point the excact reasons why. One reason I am thinking is cause the doll shop closed down. I can no longer put one on layaway and pay for it over time.

Another reason could be that we just ended up with more furniture and the dolls no longer got a lot of space to be displayed. A couple of them are in my bedroom in their bed. So they just kind of feel like they are shoved in a corner so maybe that's why.

I suppose the last and maybe most real answer could be that dolls were filling a void in my life where my real life was lacking. Not that I have a lot of babies in my life. I haven't been volunteering for the nursery in months so the only contact I am coming with babies is the rare chance with the church.

The couple years we had our grand daughter with us quite a bit gave me some insight into having a little girl in the home. I miss our time together in the morning when she would do her "make up" with me and brush teeth. It's hard to say if my grand daughter filled the void or my renewed relationship with my gorwn child that started out as a baby.

I have thought about getting rid of the dolls but I just don't think I can do that. I would rather find an happy meduim to taking care of them and finding places for them in our house again.

Maybe my daughter's upcoming birthday is awakening something inside me. I haven't felt the best this week. 22 years ago, at this time I was very pregnant with Izzy. Right now, I am very sore with pms stuff trying to kick my ass.

Friday, I leave for a retreat for Mom's with special needs childen. So it will be really nice to get away.

It's 4 more days until Izzy's birthday and 4 more days until another anniverseray of the 9/11 attacks. What has it been 12 years? I had almost forgotten about the shared birthday until someone spoke about it the other day. How sad is it that I have almost forgotten? The two on the same day cause me a lot of suffering. It made the birthday blues come early. It made the memory of Izzy pop up all the time cause rarely can you read a true story about anything withthout the mention of 9/11 coming up.

I haven't had a good week. Physically, I been feeling tired and worn down. A little sad but not much. I know it's the sypmtoms on my period before it starts going on right now.

I am not taking the day off work again. I believe it's the 2nd birthday I chose not to have the day off and make my husband drive me all around everywhere. Sometimes, I wouldn't make myself clear, and we would only be gone a few hours and I get upset.

So I just plan on working and probably not really do anything. I believe I might have a playdate set up for my son with a special needs friend so between work and the playdate hoping things will go smoothly and it won't be a depressing day.

Her bithdays are not so bad anymore. I have been in reunion shortly after her 18th birthday and met shortly after her 19th birthday so I have a lot to be happy for. I don't have the kind of relationship I wish we had. I believe the distance has made things harder. I wish she never moved away but she is happy there so I guess that's all that matters.