divorce

In some ways, my ex husband and I have a very good relationship. In other ways, it could really use some improving. In some ways, it's okay is that my ex still feels the need to call me up say if a friend died or a family member. You know how something is bothering you and you call that first person. I kind of feel like sometimes that person for him is still me. In other ways, where it really could use improvement is for us to talk more about are households and try to have similar rules and expectations out of our children.

Did I mention that the professionals want the children to have the same chances in life as before the divorce? Well, I think that is hog wash. You can't take one households and make two and take the same amount of money and split it up and not feel any kind of financial strain. Where I live the courts do work for people to get child support and stuff on their own. I didn't need a lawyer to do that. Because my children each live in separate households they are being brought up very different.

First, there is the ages of them. My oldest was 12 when we broke up and my younger son was 4 years of age. Alex, the older one, has had a harder time accepting the change where Stephen, the younger was was able to more just grow into the situation and I don't think he felt the loss as deeply.

My ex husband tried to be the parent that didn't pay child support. Or would try to pay very little. I think a lot of guys are like that.. They just can't get past that their money to going to the ex. He would pick the children up every other weekend but wouldn't call them at any other time. It as if they didn't exist on those other days of the month. Also, my ex husband fought so badly over the tax credit. He thought he should get the tax credit. I personally think that person who the child lives with should claim the child because most of the time child support isn't much. It actually was as if he gave us ten dollars a day. That would be five dollars toward each child. I wouldn't be blogging about all this except this is what I believe led to my ex husband wanting our older son to live with him. I don't think he understood that over all 300 a month isn't much to support two kids and that he would pay more than that by having him live at home.

Backing up a bit though, I will say to my ex credit after he was court ordered to pay child support that he didn't jump jobs to avoid paying. But I do believe that his motive to having him live there was more financial and my son fell for it because he missed his Dad and basically was ignored except for those 4 days a month.

Well, that is enough for now.

Session four for MELD

Last night, I started my 4th ten week session with MELD. The volunteer who was there last time said, he was coming but didn't. So, the driver had to stay and help take care of the children.
There were six kids and all but one I had seen before. It was different this time. There were three girls and three boys. May, I say, the brady bunch? lol Well, anyways, the two children that tend to misbehave were there and even though I had a little girl that wants to be held and cries a lot in my arms I tried so hard to give them the praise when they were good and they really were good. We only had one break try to break out because the older one was trying to keep the two year old out of the house.

I seen the driver carrying around the diaper bag that I created for a new Mom and asked him what it was doing there and he had just thought it was a diaper bag for extras. Then, I explained how I wanted it to go to a new Mom and he said he was sorry. I said, it's okay and then he left it there. So, I took it home and knowing me.. I might have to see what else I can shove in there.

I thought I would spend a little time blogging about the language that is used with divorced couples and the children. My ex and I both have joint custody of the children, but he has physical custody of our older son and I have physical custody of our younger son.

For those who don't know what all that means is that physical just refers to where the child lives primary. The other parents time with the children isn't really called visitation. The professionals think that children need to feel that both homes are their home and not to make it seem like the child is visiting. I am not sure if changing the language has changed my kids feelings compared to where I grew up in the times where it was called visitation.

Both parents have all legal rights to the children. Once my new husband referred to my son as close to it is with Izzy. I was furious. While him living with his Dad wasn't my ideal situation it's nothing like an adoption. We both have legal say of religion, health and schooling over both children.

In my state, if I had both kids, my ex husband would have to pay about 20% of his income to me for child support. (I think that's correct. It could be 25%) However, since the judge ruled that our income is very close to being the same that neither parent pays. So, just for the record, if one parent made X amount of dollars more than the other parent.. they would be required to pay child support to the other parent even though we each have one. In my state, they don't take a new spouses income into account for this. This may seem unfair advantage but it is what it is.

I will end it with that information for now. Just for the record. We have divorced in 2006 and I married pretty fast after that.

Broken family

I am sure that most of my readers know that I was divorced and married again. The side effects of having children affected by a divorce continue to really cause some bad times in our house. Sometimes, I don't know if I get myself too worked up because I worry too much. Or if I think the conflict is divorce and it's really dealing with a teen. Our situation is different than most because shortly after the divorce my teenager son really wanted to live with his Dad and our younger son stayed with me. So, during the average week, the boys are with each other on the weekends and apart on school days. There is some change to this routine with holiday breaks and summer, but mostly it's the way I just said. I don't know if the kids fighting is normal brother stuff or because they spend time apart and get set in their routines. Plus, my ten year old, has a two parent household where my teen has only Dad at home. This means that my younger son had more resources when it comes to us providing for his needs and also we have more time for him.

I am going to try to take the time to blog about some of our challenges with the different households and some of the things that tend to make us all feel miserable.

Please feel free to leave comments giving me your two cents on this subject or to ask questions.

I am working on getting a new routine for the Y. I used to go Mon,Wed, and Fri. Now, I am going Tuesday night, after dinner, on my own. Wed, afternoon, with my son and my grand daughter that I am watching a few days a week. On that day, mostly we will walk around the track and both me and my son get some exercise. Then, I am going to go Friday morning after I take my husband to work. I have been going on Tuesday night for a few weeks now. The other days are where I will need to work on. Wed, might get my son's teacher mad because we are going to blow off homework to make this happen. Kids can't go to school six hours a day and be expected to sit for two hours and doing homework. So, I am going to start this regardless of what she says or does.

Well, anyways, I used the elliptical and watched the reunion show for 16 and pregnant. It's like a car wreck. I just can't help but watch it. The good thing is that I spend an hour and half on there.

First, I feel so bad for Ashley. I wish she didn't have to go through all that in the limelight of TV, but it is what she choose. However, I still really feel for her and understand what she is going through. I only hope that her aunt and uncle are as good as they seem to appear.

Second, I think MTV is very wrong. In one of the flash back scenes one of the Mom's is being physical against her baby's father. Of course, they are told how it's wrong and how you can get help and all, but how come MTV can get away with filming it. If they are watching a crime be committed and they do nothing to stop it. Are they not as guilty as the person doing the crime. Isn't that an accessory to a crime? I think MTV is just after the money and don't give a damn about these people. I really don't think this reality show is going to decrease teen pregnancies. I would hope it does but how many teens will think they should get pregnant because maybe they could go on the show and make money?

Third, I was impressed with how many fathers are in the picture and how they mentioned that there isn't much support for young fathers. That is a real gripe of my husbands. Men don't get treated fairly. I do wonder is that because they men are in it for good or are they getting paid too?

Like I said, the show is like a car wreck. I can't seem to not want to watch it. I don't have cable and if that motivates me to work out for that long then I guess I will take whatever I can get.

Tonight, I went to babysit for MELD. This is the start of my 4TH ten week session. I really didn't get to babysit because there was a mix up and the nursery room was locked. So, I got to just hang with the Mom's and the kids while they did a pretest of some sort.
As soon as I walked in.. they all said thank you. Then, I seen a couple of the gifts were playing with the toys and I could see a couple others with the gifts still wrapped. At first, I was kind of disappointed that the gifts didn't get to them for Christmas but I was able to not only imagine the kids with the toys, I was able to see them with the toys.
It was nice to see the kids with the their Mom's. Sometimes, the Mom's drop them off so fast that it's hard to picture who belong with to. Also, it's just fun to watch them and remember how fun it was to have little kids.

Hopes and Goals for 2011

1. I need to be more patient with my sons. The ages of 10 and 16 years of age can be very hard. Sometimes, I lose my cool and talk to them in ways that could be nicer. It's not as I am cruel or anything but sometimes I could explain things better.
2. I hope to be more responsible with money. This will cause conflict sometimes with my sons. See number one.
3. I hope to continue to be more open talking about Izzy and adoption. My goal is that someday I will be able to help another birthmom that needs to talk to someone.
   
4. Meet birthmom1986.
5. I hope to be able to continue making it to the YMCA three days a week. This has been a bit of a struggle lately.
   
6. I am working on controlling my ten year old's calorie count and hope to find time outside of school and homework for him to get some exercise in. I have already came up with a system to control his calories from juice and milk.
   
7. Finish Izzy's scrapbook, get it scanned into an electronic form and give the scrapbook to her and keep the electronic form for myself. .
   
8. Continue to be patient but have faith in Izzy that we will continue to build a relationship.
9. To continue volunteering for MELD and donate items here and there but refer to number two. My goal is to provide one or two diaper bag kits to new Mom's in the year.
   
10. New flooring for our living room.
    
11. For us to keep up with our yard work better this summer.