Hey all... I spend a lot of time reading all kinds of blogs and writing in my own. I try to be supportive to people. I started to follow, read and comment more on people trying to adopt. Sometimes, it's the high's and lows that keep me interested. I guess, I mean the drama. I don't mean that in a mean way. What I mean.. is the suspense of it all. How fast things can change. I honestly don't know if I would be so interested if I knew people in real life. I try to be supportive and wish you all well but honestly there has only been a couple adopted Mom's to be that I really connected with and hoped for an adoption. It's not easy to have that hope because for me.. it's like wishing someone loses their child. It's like hoping someone experiences pain for someones gain. I know it's a bitter thing. Someone's life is changed for the good and someone's is changed for the bad. I know. I know. It maybe the best for the circumstances some women are in.
However, with all that said.. I have been trying to be more supportive of the birthmother's. I feel that is where my support should be. It's not that I can't read and comment on adoptive parents blogs, but if I am going to comment and try to support then it should be with birthmother's. Because the road a birth mother must travel on after parting ways with her child is very lonely.
Sometimes, I have felt that in some cases, that it's not easy to relate to the birthmother's with open adoptions. I can see why they are upset about this or that but I don't know how to handle an open adoption.. so I am not likely to give advice. Sometimes, I have felt like I am unique as a birthmother because we are all very different. Three are birthmothers that are very anti adoption. I try not to come off that way. Also, their are birthmothers who are very pro adoption to the point of speaking about how wonderful it is. I am not there either. But anyways, I am me. I am a birthmother and I will continue to be more supportive to other birthmom's. I really wish I knew some that live in my area. I was given some ideas from an adoptive Mommy that I need to explore more.

Dear Izzy

It's almost your birthday. You are going to be 19 years old. I am sure you already knew that though. I have never went a day without thinking of you. Your birthday is no exception. I always have taken it off. I feel like it's a special day and yet a hard day. I really don't like to add the stress of work. It's so amazing that for this birthday your more than just an image I had in my head. You are more than a memory of baby that never grew up.
I have had the pleasure of learning some things about you. We have a lot in common and also have our differences. I think we look quite a bit alike. It's weird looking at a picture and seeing how beautiful you are. Does that make me conceded? lol I have really enjoyed seeing your pictures and learning more about your life. It was always so hard not to know that you were safe and loved. From what I can tell you are a very responsible girl. You graduated from high school and work. You have opened up your heart and life to me and my children. I hope someday we all can meet. That is when you are ready.
As I was saying, your birthday is coming up. I can't believe that I can actually celebrate it with you. Even if that's just an electronic message. It wasn't easy making the decision to contact you. It's not all about me. I hope it's been a good thing for you. I never stopped loving you. You beautiful. Your sweet. I am proud to have you as a daughter. Even if it's not as the same as raising you. I have never once thought been sad that you were born. I was sad that you didn't were not in my life. I don't expect you to share the same feelings. You can be happy in who you are. Love always,

Tonight, I went to volunteer at Meld. I really love it. But it hasn't been the same this time around. One, my helper, the other volunteer doesn't show up on a regular basis. She said that she just went from unemployed to working a full time job and her part time job. So, I do kind of understand. I went from getting zero hours to going full time again. It's good but also not a easy thing to do. Also, there has been less Mom's. There isn't less Mom's because less are having babies, but less because they are not showing up as much or they are not bringing their kids. I know it's good that they are being independent and don't need to rely on volunteers. But my thinking is if enough time goes by without kids that the volunteers wouldn't sign up again. I don't want to just go in case, I am needed. I want to be needed and used. Use me. lol I still do love the children that come in.
The man that runs the program was there and I asked if I was allowed to take their picture. I really want to document these days somewhere other than blogging. I would love to add some picture in my scrapbook. He said that if they signed the waiver it's ok. He said, that he would let me know which ones did.
It was kind of cool that when the volunteer seen me.. she seemed shocked. She can really see my weight loss. I haven't been around too many people so it's nice that someone noticed.
My oldest son is staying with me for five days but today, he asked if he could spend the night at his friends. We went swimming and just happened to be in his neighborhood. I know it seems silly to have him with me and to allow him to go to his friends. But these are the things I want him to be able to at least ask me. I don't want him to miss out on some teen fun just because it's Mom's weekend. I don't buy him much, because my first husband and I each have one child and we don't pay child support. However, once in a while, I try to buy stuff because I don't want to make him feel like he can't ask me. So, this weekend, I made a deal that I would buy him a cheap game if he did something for me and I bought him a tshirt. Also, I have started to make him aware that it bugs me that he always has to change the radio station. I want him to think of other people.
On Saturday night, while I was at work, the kids and my husband set up a tent and the kids slept in there. It was funny because they had the tv and other electronics. They were real men. lol I wish I got some pictures of them. It was nice that are yard was used.

I added this cool thing on my blogs to see where people are coming from. I seen it on another blog and thought it was cool. I took it a step further and put my picture in it. It wanted me to link with FB and silly me didn't know that it would leave my profile up for people to search me out. I might or might not really work on it to remove it. I really try hard to not mix bloggers with FB. Let's face it. I put a lot out there and it's a trust thing. I do have a few bloggers that I have been connected with for quite a while and we are friends.. I don't talk about adoption on FB.

I seen an news story in time. It started off talking about all an adoptee wanted to search for her first family and had tried but hadn't had any luck until she got on Facebook. It also mentioned that she found her son on myspace when he was of legal age. It started off as a nice story.

Then, it went into how social networking is a concern for adoptive parents how a birthmother who has regets could contact the child without permission. It upset me because how come they can't just for once.. talk nice about adoption.. why can't it be about the good things..

Another thing that I thought was kind of sad is how the adoptee became a birthmother. Is this a result of just the normal odds or is she more likely to choose adoption because she has first hand experience. It's kind of sad to me to see generation after generation being apart because of adoption. This of course is my thoughts and I understand that some people might not feel the same.

hot tubbbbb

I used to love to hop in the hot tub after my workout at the ymca. It was a relaxing experience. It could take away my aches and pains. (not that I have many) It could make a bad day turn into no worries. I just loved it. Then, the ymca made a decision to close it down.

I just found a 8 person hot tub for sale at a car lot. He seems willing to work with me. I could make payments. I have a perfect spot for it. It's a matter of can I really afford it and do I know how to take care of a hot tub? Anyone want to buy it for me? Just kidding. But seriously, does anyone know how to do the up keep and is it costly? and does it make the power bill really high? I really want this. I don't know if it's realistic of me to to buy it. But I kind of feel like this is a once in a million chance to own a piece o f heaven.

Edit.. my husband might actually go for it.. but only if we can get a car out of it too. We only have one and it's been working but only cause it's summer. I guess it's mean of me to want a hot tub and have him walking still without a car in the winter.. haha.. This isn't the one but it's about the same size or so..

Dear birthfather (Todd)

I am trying to think towards the end of our relationship. My memory is a little fuzzy so please forgive me if it's a little off. I remember you doing taking advantage of me. One way was sexual and very cruel. It might have been one of the reasons I finally just accepted that I didn't need you. I don't remember you being in trouble with the law, but you did some shady things that could have led to that. I remember that you and your buddy both moved. However, before you did. I have a very clear memory of standing, in front of you, wearing these light blue jeans and telling you that I thought I was pregnant. I remember it was after Christmas, because my school sent home Christmas presents for my family and the jeans was one of the presents. Your reaction to my news is very clear. You gave me a little smile and told me no your not. You are going to be fine. I so badly wanted to believe you. After all, you were about five years older than me. I tried so hard to trust you and for a while, I convinced myself that I was fine. I wasn't pregnant. I was in denial.

After you moved, I didn't see you unless you chose to come see my where I lived with my family. You wouldn't tell me where you were. My memory gets really fuzzy here. At some point, we have to move and we stayed with an aunt. But not for long. My older sister admits that she is pregnant and is told to get an abortion and refuses and then has to move. Shortly, after that, my Mom and me and my little sister and brother end up living in a one room hotel room.

I am in between being in denial and facing reality. I was afraid to tell my parents that I was pregnant because I didn't want to get an abortion. I feared that I wasn't as strong as my sister and that would have been our babies fate. However, I feel that my not telling that I was pregnant sealed her fate into being placed for adoption. I wonder did you run away from the fact that I was pregnant or did you not believe me? I am sure that it didn't help that I didn't tell my family. I also wonder did you know where I was? Between you moving and me moving.. there is a good chance that you just couldn't come back and see for yourself. Back in the 90's. It wasn't like today where you could have called my cell phone.

Starting to write these letters has brought up some memories of you. Some are good and some are bad. Mostly, I am sad for you. I don't think that I have ever thought too much about your loss to adoption. We hear so much from birthmothers and not so much from birthfathers. I wonder did you go on to get married and raise a family? I really hope that you have found some happiness in your life.