I lost a few followers but that is ok. I don't take it personal. I know sometimes, it's a matter of someone deleting their blog. However, I do have a question for anyone who cares to answer. After you choose to follow a blog and then later just you lose interest or maybe they said something that you don't agree with.. do you choose to stop following them? Personally, if I lose interest or really just for whatever reason don't want to read them anymore. I do nothing. I just don't go read. But mostly, I like to read lots of blogs. There are some bloggers that I feel more of a connection to than others. Also, sometimes, I do need to take breaks from bloggers when they do finally adopt. Sometimes, it's just too hard. So what do you do?

Sometimes, I feel that adoptive parents feel that they are more entitled to children than the birthparents, because they have more money. Let's face it, most birth parents can't afford to adopt so they do have less money. However, that doesn't mean that just because someone doesn't have as much money as someone else that they can't be a parent.
I know their are some situations where adoption is probably the best choice, but I don't think money should be the biggest reason for adoption. I know there are people who choose to have kids and live off the system, but I don't believe that is the majority. Besides, I think they are cracking down of that kind of stuff. No longer can someone receive a monthly check just because they have kids.
It makes me upset when I see someone say something like I don't want to pay for someone else wrong timing to have kids. There are programs in place to help people. WIC for example. Women, infants and children. I see no wrong in someone using that program. I used it for both of my son's. That's what it is there for. To ensure healthy Mom's and children. WIC can offer so much more than just milk and a few of the basics. They can connect you with resources such as where to get clothes, furniture and many more little things that could help a Mom keep her baby if money is a problem. Let's be honest here. Babies are expensive. So are kids. But a little help in the pregnancy and the beginning can go a long way. Of course someone who applies for WIC has to prove that they meet the requirements for the program. So, this is for working people too.
There are plenty of other resources of hard working families. I personally know someone who applied and was approved for a habitat humanity house. They don't give them away for free. They do pay and have to volunteer many hours of service before they can even move in the house. Also, people who qualify can go to college for free. There is nothing wrong for those who qualify.
I guess what I am trying to say is be careful on who you step on as you climb up the ladder. Because life can change fast and you never know if you will lose a job or a spouse dies of whatever and you will want these programs to help keep your family intact. Or will you choose what is best and place your child for adoption? I don't think so. You will be on the phone and in the lines with others so you can do what is best for your child. Seems like a double standard. What is good for me isn't good for you. Suddenly, money isn't a reason to choose to place your child for adoption. I am not speaking to anyone in general. Just letting off some steam.

As a Mom, when my babies were newborns, if they didn't wake me up for that 3am feeding and I woke up at 4 am. I would fear they were dead. I would panic and check to see if they were breathing. Sometimes, I would even move the babies arm to see if he was alive. Then, he would cry. I always felt dumb after the fact. But it never stopped me from doing it again.
As a Mom, when my son's were crying and I couldn't tell why. I would have fears that something bad is wrong.
As a Mom, when my son fell, while trying to walk to his potty chair and hit his head. I was scared. I panic.
As a Mom, when both of my son's went through the stages of ear infections. I was scared. When both at different times, had tubes put in, I fear something terrible would happen. I wasn't at ease until my kids were out of surgery and in my arms.
As a Mom, when my kids are being rough. Boys are boys right. Ya know the wrestling and jumping and climbing trees. I have this fear.
As a Mom, when my kids learned how to ride a bike. Fear.
As a Mom, as my son's learn how to swim. Fear.
As a Mom, when my oldest son dives and does all that scary stuff in the pool. FEAR!
You make think geeze she is crazy! I am not. Children die. They die in pools. My son knows that. A very good friend of his died in the same pool we swam in for three summers. Kids get hit by cars. Kids get kid napped. So yes, I do have fear, but I let them live their life and sometimes I have to close my eyes.

I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do that Laurie left.
I really don't know what the percentage of birthmom's feel the intense lingering grief that I do. My only experience for the most part with birthmom's is blogs. I have seen some that are bitter and angry and some like me where I think I am in the middle and then those are the ones who are shouting adoption is so wonderful. I want to know what they are drinking, because I want some.
I do think that a lot of my grief comes from that I do feel like my daughter was stolen from me. I didn't get the support from my family. It was her way or the highway. Also, the highway meant that she would be without a babysitter. I didn't have a lawyer to represent my rights of any kind. I think they judge asked if I understood what I was signing, but what 15 year old is going to speak up to a judge.
If I try to answer what causes the most grief I am not sure I can do it. It's gonna be a toss up between the loss of Motherhood to Izzy and the lies that her parents told me as a young child just to get a baby. I will even say just for the record, maybe I heard what I wanted to hear. I don't know. I have felt a lot of grief over the issue that they can't seem to trust me.
I think the scariest part is that fear I was talking about. I am not talking about that I fear that they had her in the closet and only feeding her bread and water. Or the fear that they beat her. It's the everyday stuff. I had fears that she would be sick or hurt and their were no ways to calm my fears. I couldn't just touch an arm and see that she was still breathing. I couldn't close my eyes as she climbed a tree and open them after she is down. I couldn't hold my breath while she jumped in the pool. I had no way to get my reassurance that she was ok. Just because I wasn't her Mom didn't mean that I didn't have the same feelings of fear.
So, I have lived in a lot of regret, fear and resentment. I have missed my daughter terribly. I am sure her parents did a good job of raising her. But I wanted to do it. Not because I was better or worse or anything. She was my daughter to raise. But I can't change the past. I can only go with the future. Also, if any of my family, from my side, is still reading this. I heard this maybe true. Then, I want you to know that I don't write to hurt you or make you feel bad. This is my story, as I remember it and it's my right to talk.

Friend

I have some thoughts twirling around in my head about this comment. I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do that Laurie left. I am not upset or anything but I want to further write on why I think I feel that lingering grief. But for today, I am going to give it a rest and talk about a friend of mine.

I met Rachel before I even knew how to drive. I was at work and asked some lady who I had talked to on many breaks from our job and asked her for a ride home after work. I kind of forgot about how Rachel and I met until she refreshed my memory. The lady told me she couldn't give me a ride home, because her cat was sick. This is where I met Rachel. She offered to give me a ride home. She didn't know where I lived or anything. But recently, she told me how shocked she was that she used the cat as an excuse. So Rachel, started driving me home every night. We got to talking and when we would get to my place, we would still sit and talk.

Then, we stated taking our lunches and breaks at the same time. See, I didn't know how to drive, because there wasn't a program in my high school and my parents just weren't into teaching their kids to drive or use their car. I can't say I blame them. hehe. When I married, I settled into the routine of being the wife who didn't drive. I was just like his Mom. I walked places and took the bus and caught rides. To some extent, I didn't mind it. It was my way of life. My husband didn't like to come out at night to get me, because of the little kids. I always had a rule about not taking the bus home at night. I would say I will do it once and only once. After that one time, I won't have a job. I was scared to walk at night. So that's where Rachel really saved my day.

In about 2003 or so, I finally learned how to drive. It was ok getting by but with a child that needed therapy four times a week, I was tired of relying on public transportation. I started driving myself, but that didn't end Rachel's and mine friendship.
Then, our company shut down and a lot of people were crying and made promises to keep in touch, You know how that goes right? Well, I knew Rachel and I would, because we already seen each other out of work.
Rachel and I have been the best of friends. We go for lunch and the wait staff is wanting to kick us out. haha. We don't just eat. We hang out and talk about anything and everything.

My husband's car is broke and we haven't really had the money to do much with it. Plus, my husband isn't good with cars. I asked her if her husband knew anyone that could look at it and let us know if it's something minor and maybe we can afford it. If not at least we know what's wrong and can go from there.

Today, they are sending a friend to look at it. This friend is going to buy the parts and fix it and my friend's husband is going to pay him for it. Then, we will pay her back. This is just so sweet of them. It really drives me crazy with just one working car. I know some people can make it work, but my husband and I hours at our job just doesn't make it work very well. Part of me goes into panic mode, because I honestly believe my first husband didn't want me to drive. But that is just my impression. He never said so. I don't have many friends. But I always believe that you don't need too many if you have one or two really good ones.

I think my last post I went off the topic, I meant to get across. I am shocked that more birth mom's are not addicted to drinking or drugs to dull the pain. I can never seem to escape the feeling of loss from my daughter's adoption. Some days are better than others. When your not allowed to parent your child and have to have someone else do it. It's too easy to let your self esteem take a real beating. Also, it just doesn't help that I went through all these years without having someone that I can trust to talk to. How do you trust after such a thing.
I married young. I just wanted to get on my next step in life. I also had my first son, only three years, after my daughter. It wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I longed for my daughter so bad that I thought if I had another baby, I wouldn't hurt. Then, it didn't work. I did still hurt. I wanted more kids. I still thought another baby would do the trick. That's a lot of pressure to put on my kids. I had my last son nine years, after my daughter. If it wasn't for my husband at the time. I would have had about 10 kids. How crazy would that have been? We are divorced and I do owe him that. We only had two. But I wish I had more. But not ten. So, while I don't touch drugs and only drink once in a while, I can relate to those who choose to bury the pain. I choose to sleep. I love to sleep. Then, if I am lucky, I can get peace.

I think it's pretty common that birth parents don't receive counseling after the birth of their child. My daughter's birth was pushed under a rug.. shhh don't tell anyone and just the fact that it was never mentioned again sent a signal to me that I did something bad. I left my child with strangers to raise. I didn't know them at all. What kind of Mom leaves her kid with strangers? As a child, I was taught not to talk to strangers, but I gave my child to strangers. It really does something to you.
The only counseling I received was because the school set it up. Even then, it was a big joke, because after 9Th grade ended, we met at Mc Donalds. So I quit seeing her. I wonder how many birth parents turned to drinking or drugs as a way to lessen the pain. I know I turned to drinking for a while, because it was the only way not to feel it. I am happy that realized that it wasn't the answer and moving away from my aunts house didn't hurt anything. She makes me sick. I will never forgive her for what she has done to me.
Last month, we went to a benefit for one of my aunts and gave a few dollars and my husband says that if this aunt up and dies then we will be there stealing from it. hahaha. Famlies should stick together, but I have learned that you can't count on others. It's not that kind of world.

2009 is gone and 2010 begins. Wow!!! is what I have to say about it. I was looking back at some old postings of mine and was shocked at how long they were. Did any of you really read them? Ha! I am amazed at the turn around my life has taken. Somethings I will choose to leave private, but others I can share.
My husband and I relationship has much improved. I went from wanting out to never wanting to part. I am just crazy about him. I love him more today than I did when we married. I have made a decision to not throw around the divorce word. Divorce isn't an option for us. My husband has remained sober for over six months now. I hope he don't mind me bragging. He isn't super weird on me and doesn't seem bothered that I like to have a drink once in a great while. But then again, I drink the kool-aid crap and he never did. My children seem much happier too.
I no longer do live in care. The husband is dead and the wife is rotting away in the nursing home. But she is in one of the nicer ones though. I was invited and paid to attend the funeral and sit with the family. I am still working as a caregiver, but it's really been testing my patience, but I can't see myself not doing it.
I spent quite a few hours in counseling between Pastor K and his wife or just his wife and the adoption agency counslor. Did it help? I think it helped as a source of a outlet and also for someone to reassure me that all would be okay.
I am going to be a Grandma this year. I had fun telling my family that, because my oldest son is only 15 years old. but it's not my son.. it's my husband's daughter.. which makes her my step daughter so that makes me grandma. Which means maybe I can babysit and buy dresses and baby dolls for her.
This year, I have become a little more open in talking to people about my daughter. It's still not a really easy subject for me. Well, I better get my doggy in from the cold and get some sleep. Happy new year!!!