I have really distance myself from my Mom for two reasons, the first one started to do with my anger issues that floated to the surface over the adoption of my daughter. The second reason is that basically since I was of age, my Mom just hasn't paid any attention to me. Now that doesn't mean that we have gone all these years without talking. It's just always me calling her, or my sister asking are you coming to Mom's for whatever holiday dinner was going on. I was never really asked to come from my Mom. She has only been to my house maybe three times in 14 years, but has drove 12 hours to see her oldest daughter. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. I want her to want to see me and my family.
One time several years ago, I quit calling to see how long my Mom would take to call me. After six months without any contact, I just gave in and called her. She didn't act one way or another. I feel as my Mom just doesn't care if she sees me or not.
I have decided not to call her or make the effort to see her. Thanksgiving and Christmas went on by without us even talking. I think word got around, because my sister and brother asked my husband if I was mad at my Mom. He told them the truth on both reasons I believe. I have ran into my Mom in the local restaurants and quite a few times I find her sitting with my younger brother and sister, again I am jealous. I want her to call and wish to see me. I used to accept my Mom the way she was, but when I started to see that the way she was is just with me, it became personal. I don't know if I really crave a strong mother daughter relationship, because I don't know if I ever had it. But I at least want her to think about me enough to call me sometimes.
There is a little more to this post, but it's getting long and time for work. I will write more later.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Again this isn't adoption related, but here it goes. This has been a terrible week. We are a two car household and both of us need a car to work. My husband's car broke down. It's the transmission. There isn't any point in fixing it. We were messing around with the broke car and deciding what to do do next. The people who knew we adopted a rabbit a week ago, called us and asked if we would consider adopting two rabbit boys who live together.
We agreed we would adopt them if they could help us with a cage for them. So we go to the shelter and we just had to look to see if my sisters dog was at the pound. She was there and I felt so bad for her. I felt like it was partly my fault, because we were babysitting her dog for two weeks, and just couldn't help anymore. My sister did all she could to find her a home, but nothing worked out. My sister is young and learned a hard lesson. She was afraid that they might of put her dog to sleep. So I called my sister to let her know that her dog was put up for adoption. I just feel so bad.
It doesn't help that I already am so so sad over my car. It was my first car. I didn't drive till later in age, and it's the first car that I owned and paid for all on my own.
When we went to get the bunnies, they towed the car. Then to make matters worse we can't find the title. So they had to get the big rig with fork lift things and bring our car back out front. Not only do we not get the money for the car, but I had to see them carry my car around like a rag doll.
My new bunnies are great though. They are a older pair and one of them is really a big boy. They seemed like they were well taken care of. Now we have four bunnies. Well enough for now.
We agreed we would adopt them if they could help us with a cage for them. So we go to the shelter and we just had to look to see if my sisters dog was at the pound. She was there and I felt so bad for her. I felt like it was partly my fault, because we were babysitting her dog for two weeks, and just couldn't help anymore. My sister did all she could to find her a home, but nothing worked out. My sister is young and learned a hard lesson. She was afraid that they might of put her dog to sleep. So I called my sister to let her know that her dog was put up for adoption. I just feel so bad.
It doesn't help that I already am so so sad over my car. It was my first car. I didn't drive till later in age, and it's the first car that I owned and paid for all on my own.
When we went to get the bunnies, they towed the car. Then to make matters worse we can't find the title. So they had to get the big rig with fork lift things and bring our car back out front. Not only do we not get the money for the car, but I had to see them carry my car around like a rag doll.
My new bunnies are great though. They are a older pair and one of them is really a big boy. They seemed like they were well taken care of. Now we have four bunnies. Well enough for now.
Friday, February 6, 2009
This isn't really adoption related but it's something that is bugging me a little. My husband's birthday is coming up and he wanted to go to a comedy show. His son offers to get two tickets and they could go. My husband said, he told them what about my wife and your love? So they decided they would go on there own, and I told my husband he is more than welcome to go places with his kids without me. He has two kids from his first marriage.
So today his son sends a text message and says I got the tickets for comedy. It's not just the two of them anymore. It's both of his kids and their boyfriends. So now that everyone is included, but me it feels a little personal. Why does both of his kids get to bring boyfriends, but the birthday person can't bring his wife?
I will have kids and most likely it would have been a challenge to go, but it bugs me a little bit that they don't even think about me, or what their Dad's wishes might be.
So today his son sends a text message and says I got the tickets for comedy. It's not just the two of them anymore. It's both of his kids and their boyfriends. So now that everyone is included, but me it feels a little personal. Why does both of his kids get to bring boyfriends, but the birthday person can't bring his wife?
I will have kids and most likely it would have been a challenge to go, but it bugs me a little bit that they don't even think about me, or what their Dad's wishes might be.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I am very happy today. My sister copied pictures that my Mom gave her permission. I am going to post two pictures of me and one of my daughter when she was young. It was the last one I received. I will delete the post after a few days to keep my privacy. I will be adding these and a couple others for my scrap book. these are just pictures of pictures. The one with the curly hair my Mom said to my sister that when I was that way that a lady actully told her she could put her doll on the table, and my sister said that her boss asked her why she was making copies of a doll.
Yesterday I was working and feeling a little down. Sometimes I feel like I am a trader, because I follow adoptive parents or soon to be adoptive parents blogs, I think I have grown a lot, because I do care about you guys. However I feel like I can't totally be 100% supportive of adoptions. Because I really truly understand the amount of grief Birth parents go through. I have two pictures of my daughter and I when I was in the hospital, and you would swear their was a death. I just looked terrible. I felt terrible too, I didn't know if I would be able to live apart from my daughter.
I do want to say that I understand that adoptions sometimes just have to happen. I am so happy that their are people like you all that I have been reading that are interested in open adoptions. However when I read that you as the parents agree to yearly visits.. I want to scream.. Why only yearly visits? How can anyone really form a relationship with their birth parent if they only see them once a year. I am not talking to anyone in mind here, just general.
While I am happy that more people seem to be open to open adoption and blogging about it. I am sure there is just as many people who won't accept anything less than a closed adoption. Then there are the people who will say what the expectant Mom needs to hear and then close it for no good reason. How come open agreements can't be held up in court.
I also wonder about the counseling that the birth parents get. Is it from the same agency that makes so much money off from adoption? How can that be really be for the birth parent? Do they really give the expectant parents advice on parenting and adoption? How can they not push more for adoption, because that is where they make the money?
Now to one agency's credit, I have received free counseling from them and I didn't even ever place a baby through them. However I don't feel like I was encouraged to go as often as I would have liked. I never pushed it, because I know funds are limited. The money to pay for the services comes from the state, and my counselor was just laid off from work. So now I have to decide to I want to start with someone new. I am thinking of going, but checking into if she could play the middle man between my husband and myself. Also I am wondering if I was a recent birth mother would the funds still be coming from the state? Isn't that part of the fees adoptive parents pay for?
So I am sad and I call home.. This is where I had to smile.
I call and My little son answers.
Little son.. Hello may I help you?
Me. Yes I would like to order a clean basement and I will pay 5.00
day before I asked him to clean it and I will pay him.
Little son: What what. I hear static I can't hear you
Me: I repeat Can you clean up the basement for Mommy
Little son: This call is being disconnected!
Then he hung up!!! The little stinker
I do want to say that I understand that adoptions sometimes just have to happen. I am so happy that their are people like you all that I have been reading that are interested in open adoptions. However when I read that you as the parents agree to yearly visits.. I want to scream.. Why only yearly visits? How can anyone really form a relationship with their birth parent if they only see them once a year. I am not talking to anyone in mind here, just general.
While I am happy that more people seem to be open to open adoption and blogging about it. I am sure there is just as many people who won't accept anything less than a closed adoption. Then there are the people who will say what the expectant Mom needs to hear and then close it for no good reason. How come open agreements can't be held up in court.
I also wonder about the counseling that the birth parents get. Is it from the same agency that makes so much money off from adoption? How can that be really be for the birth parent? Do they really give the expectant parents advice on parenting and adoption? How can they not push more for adoption, because that is where they make the money?
Now to one agency's credit, I have received free counseling from them and I didn't even ever place a baby through them. However I don't feel like I was encouraged to go as often as I would have liked. I never pushed it, because I know funds are limited. The money to pay for the services comes from the state, and my counselor was just laid off from work. So now I have to decide to I want to start with someone new. I am thinking of going, but checking into if she could play the middle man between my husband and myself. Also I am wondering if I was a recent birth mother would the funds still be coming from the state? Isn't that part of the fees adoptive parents pay for?
So I am sad and I call home.. This is where I had to smile.
I call and My little son answers.
Little son.. Hello may I help you?
Me. Yes I would like to order a clean basement and I will pay 5.00
day before I asked him to clean it and I will pay him.
Little son: What what. I hear static I can't hear you
Me: I repeat Can you clean up the basement for Mommy
Little son: This call is being disconnected!
Then he hung up!!! The little stinker
Monday, February 2, 2009
When I first started working on Izzy's scrap book back in October I think it was. I bought this kit and it came with a thick album. It came with 15 pages which if you double up, you can make 30 different pages. I remember thinking how can I fill it up that much. It can hold more that what it came with.
Several weeks later and several dollars later from spending on art supplies, photo copies, and other stuff for the book it's all coming together. I am so full of ideas, but some of the best just comes out naturally. I am getting so much pleasure out of making the book, but at the same time I wonder if it's too much. Will she want to see tons of shots of my kids? Will she care that I included pictures of my pets? I hope she will love it. I am loving making it. We might have to fight over it. I might not want to give it up. Just kidding about the fighting.
Yesterday there was a story in the newspaper. www.rrstar.com A woman in my state gave birth and placed the child for adoption. She lied about the birthfather, she claimed rape. The child spent the first 8 months with the adoptive couple, and then went to the birthmother and now back to the adoptive couple.I believe 14 months with the birth family. The fight isn't over yet. I am so sad for the little girl. I am sad for the adoptive couple, and even sad for the birthmother. My husband said she lied and caused all of this. That part is true. But at what point to people stop fighting and let the child go because it's not right to flip flop this child. Whoever loves her the most just stop fighting and let her go. I am not the person to judge them though.
It reminds me of me though. I lied to my Mom. I claimed rape. We have never never talked about sex in any way, and I was afraid to admit that I had sex. So I continued my lie and told the judge I didn't know who the father was. I honestly at the point didn't know his last name. I couldn't pronounce it, so it didn't stick to my memory. I didn't know where he was and I had moved. So in a way I felt like I really didn't know. Of course I was young. Well anyways a couple years later Todd finds me at work, and wants to talk to me. He had heard that I had a baby and gave it up. He was pissed that I gave his child away. I was the second to do it. I refused to give him any information. I felt like I was protecting Izzy from a contested adoption. I don't believe he had money to fight, and I am sure if he did he could have done it without me giving any information.
Well anyways I felt like that little girl maybe could have been my daughters fate. I wouldn't want that for her. I will be honest way back then. I wouldn't have card on how the adoptive parents felt. I thought all adoptive parents were evil and I wouldn't care if anyone was hurt. I did it to protect my child. I have grown a lot in the last few years and I now do care how adoptive parents feel. I care how every one feels. I think the families in the story should just get one big house and love the girl. Just kidding. There isn't any easy answers. Someone needs to just give up. Let the girl be. She has changed hands three times now.
Several weeks later and several dollars later from spending on art supplies, photo copies, and other stuff for the book it's all coming together. I am so full of ideas, but some of the best just comes out naturally. I am getting so much pleasure out of making the book, but at the same time I wonder if it's too much. Will she want to see tons of shots of my kids? Will she care that I included pictures of my pets? I hope she will love it. I am loving making it. We might have to fight over it. I might not want to give it up. Just kidding about the fighting.
Yesterday there was a story in the newspaper. www.rrstar.com A woman in my state gave birth and placed the child for adoption. She lied about the birthfather, she claimed rape. The child spent the first 8 months with the adoptive couple, and then went to the birthmother and now back to the adoptive couple.I believe 14 months with the birth family. The fight isn't over yet. I am so sad for the little girl. I am sad for the adoptive couple, and even sad for the birthmother. My husband said she lied and caused all of this. That part is true. But at what point to people stop fighting and let the child go because it's not right to flip flop this child. Whoever loves her the most just stop fighting and let her go. I am not the person to judge them though.
It reminds me of me though. I lied to my Mom. I claimed rape. We have never never talked about sex in any way, and I was afraid to admit that I had sex. So I continued my lie and told the judge I didn't know who the father was. I honestly at the point didn't know his last name. I couldn't pronounce it, so it didn't stick to my memory. I didn't know where he was and I had moved. So in a way I felt like I really didn't know. Of course I was young. Well anyways a couple years later Todd finds me at work, and wants to talk to me. He had heard that I had a baby and gave it up. He was pissed that I gave his child away. I was the second to do it. I refused to give him any information. I felt like I was protecting Izzy from a contested adoption. I don't believe he had money to fight, and I am sure if he did he could have done it without me giving any information.
Well anyways I felt like that little girl maybe could have been my daughters fate. I wouldn't want that for her. I will be honest way back then. I wouldn't have card on how the adoptive parents felt. I thought all adoptive parents were evil and I wouldn't care if anyone was hurt. I did it to protect my child. I have grown a lot in the last few years and I now do care how adoptive parents feel. I care how every one feels. I think the families in the story should just get one big house and love the girl. Just kidding. There isn't any easy answers. Someone needs to just give up. Let the girl be. She has changed hands three times now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)