Retreat count down

My retreat is around the corner. We leave Thursday morning. We wil pick up our rental car and then be on the road.

I been feeling excited but also a lot of anziety about it all.. the trip itself is a little scary... most of my fear is the retreat myself. Will I feel comfortable around others? Will I insult others with my lack of happiness with my reunion? Will the birthmom's who are very early in their grief trigger something deep inside of me that I have buried? Will I relive those early moments? Will I find a birthmom or two that I can connect with and hang with? Will I get lost in the town?

I have never been good about being open with my adoption loss and reunion.. I live with a lot of shame and guilt. It's much better than it used to be but still for the most part I keep adoption loss pretty private.

It doesn't help that I have been sick and putting my workouts on hold. I have tried to workout but then seemed to get sicker so right now it's all on hold. I have too much invested in the trip to cancel over a sickness.

I am thinking of bringing my scrapbook so other birthmom's can look at it and get ideas about making one.

I still am excited but just a little scared. I hope all my fears are proven false once I get there.

My visit

I thought I would do a quick update on my visit with Izzy and my emotions about it.

We were supposed to do a late lunch but she contacted me and said it would have to be over something quick like coffee cause her husband's Mom was in the hospital and due to be released. I will be honest with ya that I feel like it's a good excuse but still an excuse to keep our time short. However, I was grateful for the time we had visiting and I had my first starbucks experience with her and her husband.

I was pleased with myself how I handled her being in town. I didn't spend the whole week and half on edge waiting for a reply because I was putting it all in her court. She contacted me about the wreath and we set up the time to meet.

I only had two bad days while she was in town where I felt bad. I felt like I am not important to her. She was in town for 10 days and I got 45 minuites of her time. I am grateful that I did get that 45 minutes and the beautiful wreathe but just wished for more. She was sick when she first got here so not sure how much that played into things.

I think I am starting to become more at peace with our relationship and slowly learning that it's not me. I am a good person. I am worth knowing and loving. If I can't get let in her heart.. I guess that's just how it's going to be for now.. Maybe someday when she is more ready for something more I will be around.

It was suggested by a friend that she might be uneasy around me because of my weight loss. It's a really good possibility that it could be the case. It's just hard to say. It's not easy admitting I know my daughter but I really don't know her. She won't let me.




By the way, I got my hair done so I look great for my upcoming retreat.

Edit.. to say that I have posted a couple pictures on my private blog.

Better late than never

I am sorry I left you all hanging about if I seen my daughter or not while she was here in town. I did and she brought the wreath she made. It came out very nice and I will gladly hang it up for the baby shower and then they can keep it for keepsakes.

I will post more soon about my thought and feelins about the meeting and how I handled it. It's nothing bad.. I may do it on my private blog and if I do I will let you all know when I do post it.

Izzy has been in town for a week now. I have stuck to my original plan not to contact her to meet up. I wasn't sure if she would have done the wreath with her being ill when she first got here. She wrote me today and said it should be done today. I wrote back and asked when should I get it and did she want to get something to eat?? So does that count against my orginal plan? I am caught on that one.

She hasn't wrote back yet.. so stay tuned to see if I get to spend a little time with her or not.

She posted a picture of her brother on facebook and says it's sibling day.. I imagine that stings for my kids.. I know it does for me and she isn't even my sister.

Izzy is in town for about a week and half. She was ill but is reporting she is better. I have come to terms with the fact that me asking to see her makes me feel really bad.. okay.. let's face it.. her not answering me.. makes me feel bad.. She did answer my most recent message about how long the trip is so I know she can read her messages that I send privatly. It's her choice to reply or not.

So as much as it pains me to admit I am not asking to see her. She did offer to make a wreath for my son's girlfriend's baby shower but I just have to accept she either did it or didn't do it and will contact me or won't contact me.

I will not put myself thru the emotions of sitting on pins and needles while I beg to see her.. So if I see her it will because she contacted me and not the other way around. I don't want to face rejection.

I really hope Izzy doesn't face any kind of sadness or anger over my decision.. If we go the whole week and half and never meet up. It's not all on me. For two people to have a relationship then two people need to make the effort. I guess I am accepting to love her from afar if that is what I need to do.

I have to look after my well being and I don't deserve to be walked on.. I maybe singing a different tune as her time gets closer to being up here.

Baby shower decorations and reunion

I forgot to mention something about the baby shower. Izzy makes wreathes and I asked her if I could pay her to make one for the baby shower. She offered to do it her treat. So that's pretty awesome!


The above picture is not the wreath she made.. It's just an example of one of the wreathes I seen on google.

Izzy got into town yesterday! It was a surprise visit but I knew about it. So hoping I get to see her. I really have no idea if she really made the wreath or not due to her becoming pretty sick. She went to the dr when she got into town and has a long list of illness like flu, sinus infection and double ear infection. I think I am missing something.

Part of my reunion update is that I have noticed something about my contact with Izzy. If I write her about pretty much anything that has nothing to do with seeing her then I get a pretty fast answer.. so it is what it is.. I would imgaine if she did make the wreath that I would see her. I guess only time will tell.

Retreat

I am part of a facebook group that is connecting me with other birthmoms that will be attending the retreat. It's nice to sort get to meet other people this way as a little bit of a ice breaker. They posted about a gofundme fund to raise money to help pay for the retreat cost that are not being put on us birthmoms.

I believe there is about 25 birthmoms that will be attending from different areas of the world.. Some of the birthmoms are new birthmoms.. one girl posted today how she is having a hard day cause it's her child's first birthday and another a few days ago posted about a hard month.

If your reading my blog and your life has been touched by adoption in any way would you consider donating to the retreat fund? My goal would be to see a dollar for every birthmom so add 25.00 more dollars raised as a direct of my blog.. So if 25 people could donate 1.00 or 50 people donate .50 then that goal would happen.

Please check out this out here and consider helping out. Birthmom Buds was created by two birthmoms that saw a need and I am happy that I am getting able to go to this retreat.

baby shower

I am thrilled to announce I am planning a baby shower for my son's girlfriend!!!

It will be in the early part of June! Your all welcome to send gifts! I am just kidding. Just send me your well wishes that I throw a great baby shower since it is my first and it's not emotionally triggering for me.

I am really excited to be part of something so beautiful! They are not married yet and not sure if they really have future plans to do so but I am loving the idea of having a daughter n law. It's kind of exciting to be able to get to know this young girl. This is an event where I hopefully won't feel second best.. Sadly, the girlfriend doesn't have a mother figure in her life.. So I will be one of two grand mothers.. if we count my ex husband's wife. :)

I already got the place picked. I am doing it at my job.. I have some food ideas to do.. I haven't got the invitations out yet or done the decorations yet. I figure I got time still.. I hope to get inviations going soon.