After much consideration I decided I wouldn't share my post from my time where my step daughter's baby was born and I took it hard. It's just too raw and full of emotions that I don't want to put it out on this blog. My grand daughter just turned 5 recently and I have come a long way since that day.

What I learned by going back and looking at the old post is now I fully understand why I reacted the way I did and I bet most birthmothers would have had a hard time with it.

It was 5 years ago. 5 years ago, around this time, I was in contact with my daughter but had yet to meet her. I had found her in late 2009 but we spent a whole year in contact before we met in person. So when my step daughter had her baby I was very much on an emotional roller coaster trying to figure things out with my daughter and sitting on pins and needles to meet her.

I am in a much happier place so I am hoping I don't have any flash backs of repeated emotions when my second grand daughter will be born.

baby details

More ramdom details about my new grandbaby! Did I mention it's a girl!! I am just so excited! My first granddaughter just turned five and hopefully on Monday we will share some cake with her for her birthday. 5 years ago, I was in such an unhappy place. I quickly scanned over a post or two I had wrote in my private blog and I might share it just to reflect on how much time does heal things or maybe it's the people in your life.

Maybe, my first grand daughter gave me a lot of healing. Yea. It was tough at first and sometimes because she isn't mine biologlly it can still be hard at times. In the event of death or divorce.. will I still be her Nana?

My husband has a couple times referred to how I am going to have a "real" or "my own" grandchild and my response is I am "real" and I already have "my own" I won't be telling telling people I have a step grand daughter and a grand daughter.. the only reason I have ever explained how my grand daughter isn't related to me because I always got the look cause I look too young.. Most people don't believe I have grown children.. much less grand children.

I did share the news on facebook but also messaged Izzy and told her how she is going to be an aunt to a brand new baby girl.. So we exchanged a few messages back and forth and she shared my message online and said congrats to Alex.

I have thought about how this baby girl will be Izzy's first relation that she will know from birth.. So that's pretty exciting and odd to think about how Izzy really only has a handful of people that she knows she is related too as in blood ties.

I seen some ultrasounds pictures of my grandbaby and a name was written on it and it wasn't Isabella. Sad face. but I said no pressure and I mean no pressure. I don't want to be one of those Nana's that loose sight in the fact that this is their grand child.. not their child. I don't really care much for the name but I am not 100% sure it's a done deal. It seems like my son doesn't care for the name. Also, she wants to give the baby her last name and not is last name until they are married. I hope they can come to agreements on the name because both should have a say in something so important as a name.

The baby is due July 21st! I been looking at baby stuff but can't bring myself to buy anything yet. It seems like a don't hate me.. but a waste of money. I mean it's 5 months away. I also feel overwhelmed.. it's been so long since I really had a baby and bought stuff so not sure what I would want to get.

Moving along

My plans for the birthmom's retreat is moving along really well. I went thru 3 really bad days of stressing about it. I get so worked up when it comes to travling and money so when you add what could be an emotionally triggering event.. It's not really pretty. My poor husband had to put up with me. I fell off my diet and ate like crap. I have been back on track for about 3 to 4 days and I have decided not to weigh myself for a whole week to get myself on the right track.

As of right now.. I have the car rental done. I have the room reserved for my husband and myself. We are sharing of course. This isn't typical of a retreat cause years past for retreats for mom's with special needs children.. I have my own room or I share with a friend.. but this retreat is much different. So sharing with another birthmom isn't an option cause 1. I don't know anyone. 2. That would cost me more money cause I would still have to pay for my husband's and then my share of the shared room. There is a facebook group that was devoted to the retreat but it doesn't see much action yet.

Our biggest hurdle was child care and pet care. My husband's son is going to stay at our house while we are gone to watch out for my son and the pets. We will get my son used to the pet routine so everything goes smoothly. I feel good about this arrangement. This saves us from boarding the pets and my son can stay in his own room.. Except for Saturday and Sunday night.. my step son has to work.

The easist hurdle to fix was that my husband's boss agreeed to hire my step son and he will take my husband's hours while we are away. We will need child care from Saturday evening to Sunday late and my ex mother n law has agreed to help out.

My time off request just got sent in so hopefully within a week or two I will know they approved it off. We plan on leaving on a Thursday and get back on Monday but I took an extra day to unwind with my family.

I have the money but I haven't officially found a way to put it away out of sight so we won't spend it or risk that it would come up missing.. highly unlikly it would come up missing but probably not a good idea to leave a good chunk of money around.

The last thing that I have to get worked out and not sure if it's something I can work out is that this event could be triggering for me. I have never really openly talked about adoption loss face to face with other birthmom's and that experience has to be a huge thing.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that this trip is in North Carolina and that is where Izzy lives. My husband said where the retreat is being held is about 3 hour drive away from Izzy. I haven't even took time to think about if I will try to arrange meeting up with her. It would seem really sad to get within 3 hours of her and not see her but then again.. it seems like any visit is a struggle to arrange so not sure I want to throw rejection on my weekend.

I have posted about the retreat on facebook and knowing me.. I will continue to so not sure if I should just leave it up to Izzy to see if we can meet up. What are your thoughts on it?

Oh baby!!!

I am very happy to announce that my son is expecting a baby girl!!! He called me today to tell me and I literly screamed!! I would love any grand baby but my heart was really wishing for a girl!! I am beyond thrilled!! They have had two ultrasounds confirm girl! I guess she took a fall and they said girl.. then they had the 3d ultrasound and that said girl!! Happy report baby and Mom are doing okay and the fall didn't hurt the baby.. But I feel bad cause I never asked if it hurt the Mom.. come to think of it.. I never asked if the fall hurt the baby.. but I think he would have brought that up.

I can't wait for this baby to be born to love on her! I am going to have so much fun buying fun girl things for another little girl!! baby dolls, dresses, shoes and more baby dolls!! I can't wait to see her and hold her!! The name I suggested for her is on the list but I did tell me son no pressure.

I still feel a little worried about everything that goes along with a baby.. Dad and Mom don't live together yet. Mom wants to stay with her Dad. Both do have jobs but you know how much babies cost.. I keep thinking I should buy diapers ect.. plan a baby shower but then two thoughts come into my head... one.. I don't want to make assumptions on what they are going to use as far as diapers, car seats ect.. also I am not made of money so while I maybe able to do some stuff.. I have to tell myself slow down! The baby isn't even here yet. She isn't due to July.

Did I mention it's a girl!!! Yes. baby girl!!

Retreat

I don't have all my ducks in order to go on the retreat but I am going to plan it as if I did.. So far I have called about renting a car and found a price I am comfortable with. I didn't reserve it yet. I plan to do so soon. I just booked the room my husband and I will be staying in and I plan to submit my time off request this week for my job. I am excited about this amazing chance to do something way out of my normal.

We don't get out of my local area much. I get nervous about traveling so the only way this trip is possible is to bring my husband. I am not sure how much time I will spend with him while on the retreat but I will lay my head on the same bed as him.

It's very rare that I have ever been in a room with another birthmom so to talk to others who have placed children for adoption will be a real treat.

You can learn more about the retreat by going here and if your feeling like you have a dollar or two to spare donate to this wonderful weekend!