Sunday, August 31, 2014


I feel like the whole wedding and reception is making my anziety creep up. Last night, my heart was racing as I was trying to get to sleep.

Today, I just felt odd. I couldn't do my typical run at 8am due to the YMCA being closed. Normally, I drop off my husband and then run about 4 miles and go in the YMCA and shower. Then, I stop at the gas station and get something for me to eat. Lately, it's been a power bar..

Since I couldn't shower running at the normal time was not an option. I babysat at church and there was the little boy about 15 months old that I have been taken care of since he was about six weeks old. He is there most Sundays unless the family goes away on vacation.

There was also this blond curly head little girl that I had never seen before. She was upset about being there so I picked her up and had both kids in my lap. She was adorable but snotty face. ewww.

After church, I needed to go grocery shopping so my lunch was a power bar. After I got home and got groceries put away my uneasiness was creeping back up. I struggled with myself to either walk the dog or run or even just stay home and do nothing.

I noticed I was quick to put food (junk) in my mouth and was worried that this situation could get bad so I decided to go for a really long run.

I went to my path that I normally run on. I had decided on between a 7 or 8 mile run. It was really beautiful out.

Normally after I run I would head right into the YMCA and shower but since they were closed for the holiday weekend that wasn't an option and after I walked to slow my heart rate down I state on a bench and just stared out at the river and watching the boats.

This view made me appreciate that the Y was closed. It forced me to just sit and look and think. Okay.. took pictures too.

It took me back to the moment of her 18th birthday! I had sent a card to her address but also sent up balloons and a card. I believe it was the same card. You can recall that post or read it for the first time by going here.

I am pretty sure I sat in the same location! I remember the emotions of setting the ballons out. It was a way for me to honor her birthday and give myself a moment to dwell on her. It made me tear up a bit. I suppose when ones daughter gets married it could really throw one thru a loop but the whole adoption card throws a curve ball into it.

I believe I had contact with her within a month of her birthday and met a year after the first contact. It's been five years since first contact and almost 4 years since I met her face to face. I am happy with that I have with her but I do wish we were closer. I wish I could say I know her like her parents know her.

I don't know what to expect at the wedding reception. I suppose my family will be the oddball because we won't know many people. I been having conversations in my head and they haven't really been nice. I imagine her parents grilling me and putting me down... as in wanting me to admit adoption was the best or ignoring all my requests for contact was the best.

I suppose it could go the other way around and we will embrace and love each other because we all share a daughter.

No comments: