Is your glass half full or half empty?

For some reason lately my glass is half empty. I have had a great vacation away from work,but I admit that I have been a bitch, because my husband out of my ten days off from work only worked three days.
My glass is half empty for several reasons.

• Someone hit our new van and ran. My husband avoided the head on crash and they hit the side. I should be all happy that it was just minor damaged instead I am angry that they ran and there is no reason to call insurance company, because of the deductible. Instead I am angry that we can't seem to have anything nice without it being destroyed by someone.
  
• Today I go to the YMCA and walk on the track and so looking forward to soaking in the hot tub and I forgot my towel. I should be happy that I managed to pay the Y for another month instead I am upset that I didn't get my soak.
  
• I thought during my vacation that I had lost 5 to 10 lbs, because my scale said so. I wasn't trying to lose, but I think I have been more active and eating better and the Y's scale said I gained 5 lbs. Let's see what my client's scale says tomorrow
  
• I have hair that gets good comments, but it bugs me that it feels funny. The lady who got it last said it felt fake.
• I am happy that adoptive parents have told me that my story of being a birthmother has been helpful to them, but I am stuck on being upset, because I seen a blog where they were referring to the soon to be BirthMother has a BM. No women is a birthmother until she signs Tpr, but I don't get all worked up. however, calling them a BM is just plain rude. What is wrong with spelling Birthmother or BirthMom out. I would even take BMom but BM sounds like your calling her a shit.
  
• I was really bugged with the weather on my vacation. We had rain and snow and just not too many warm days. I did get to walk my dog some, but I focus on the bad.
  
• My husband can be a great guy, but I am too focused on that fact that he is barely working and has not supported our household in any way finanical in over a month. I don't want to give any guy a free ride, but kicking him out isn't the answer, because I work 24 hour shifts. When I think calmly I can see how he is so good with my kids that if I made more money I would be happy with him only working a few days a week.
  
• I am upset that I might still have to cancel my membership with the Y. I should be okay with it, because I have two some equipment in the basement and I saved 20 a month by taking my husband off the membership. He never went anyways.
  

I am not always like this. Most the the time I can find the humor in anything. We spent a lot of time with furnace problems and spent many nights this past winter kind of cold. I have said several times it was okay, because we had a low gas bill. Or my husband's butt got really firm by going up and down the stairs fooling with it. We did end up getting a brand new furnace all the same one time 55.00 fee that we pay when something that is covered on our warranty on our house fails.

What about you guys. Is your glass half full or half empty?

Dear Izzy

Someone that reads my blog suggested that I use this blog as a way to write letters to you. I think it's a good idea. So, I will start with I know your name isn't Izzy, but to share my story and not give out your name this is what I decided on.
Izzy is the name of a teddy bear that I gave my first husband. I hope you don't mind it's the name that I would have liked to name my oldest son had he been a girl.
I have been on vacation from work. I have loved it. I have got to spend some extra time with my boys. Finally this week, I can tell you that not only does my older son know about you, but so does my younger son. I am going to call my older son Alex and my younger son Steve on this blog.
Alex has known about you for a couple years now. It's not something that we have really discussed much, except for within the last six months or so. I am happy that discussing you doesn't have to be treated like a dark secret, but it's hard. I asked Will to make a page for your scrap book. I found some artwork of Steve's and asked if I could use it for the book and he said yes. So today I got the book out to add the artwork and Alex asked to see the book. I will be honest I am not comfortable sharing the book with anyone, but I did it. He was the first person to ever really flip through the pages. I think my husband was a little shocked and I just wanted to rip the book back. I am not at a point where I feel I can totally expose all my thoughts and feelings to him. Some of the notes I feel are for your eyes and not his.
I also had a discussion with Steve about you. It only lasted about five minutes. I was told that he brought you up before. I am guessing someone told him about you or he overheard someone talking. Steve didn't have too much to say. I am not sure he understands that while you are a sister to him, but you haven't been raised around him. The last thing he said was that he wants a kid sister. I know that you can't be a kid sister, but I really hope someday you can be a big sister to him. Well actually to both my boys. I am missing you a little extra tonight. I hope your safe in your bed. I love you babygirl.

I have two blogs. I made it under different profiles, because I had a reason to believe my family had access to the adoption related one. So I shut it down and created this one. One of my reasons for shutting it down was so that I wouldn't be tempted to strike out in anger in what I say.
However, once in a great while I still do that. This past week I have said somethings that I would never really say on here. I would really reword my thoughts. I can't say for sure why once in a while I feel like being brutally mean to my Mom. I guess I just have some much anger in me that I want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt any of you. I try to only sign under this log on, but sometimes I screw up. So if anyone has seen my other blog and been upset. Then I am deeply sorry.
I openly talk on my other blog about the scrap book I am making for my daughter. In person I just say my scrap book. They all know I am making it. I guess what I am wishing is for them to make the second step and say hey I know your hurting. Can I see this book? Is there anything I can do to help make it? My little sister has helped some because she has gotten two different sets of pictures for me that would have been hard on my own. I guess I just want to hear I did it, because I know it's important to you.
So if you read the other blog and feel hurt. I am sorry. If you haven't read it maybe it's best if you don't. I do believe adoption needs to change it's ways some, but I am not totally against it.

A couple weeks ago, I found some floppy discs in my basement. My computer doesn't have a floppy disc drive, but my sister's does. She was able to get pictures off the discs. Most of them that I found were lost to me. So, I have something that makes me happy. The pictures will be a really nice addition to Izzy's scrap book.
Today we were at the Ymca and the local clinic who is a non for profit is accepting baby donations to give to new Moms. I don't have a lot to donate, but my son and I will spend a few dollars and bring it by the deadline. Enjoy a few of the pictures. Kids grow too fast.

just venting

I am on my second marriage. I love my new husband. Right now it's just the two of us and my nine year old son. My older son wanted to live with his Dad and after lots of him telling me it would be better and my ex telling me that it would be better that I let him go. I see my son every other weekend plus here and there. But that's not the point of this post.
I am just furious with my husband. When we first got together, I asked him not to work and I paid all the bills. I could afford this because I was renting a two bedroom apartment. They raised my rent, because after my ex moved they claimed I didn't make enough to have a lease. So, I got it in my head to buy a house.
I bought a house only with verifying my income. In June of 2006, we moved into a 2 bedroom ranch home. It's a house perfect for us. It's has total fencing and even a dog house built into the garage. I love it.
Shortly after we moved it became clear that I could no longer pay all the bills. I needed myy new husband to work. It's been a pure struggle since then. He will work for a little while and as soon as I think I can count on him for a little help they cut his hours. He is down to 3 days a week and pays nothing towards nothing. If he does give me any kind of money then he just swipes my debit card and takes it right back with spending. I fought and fought until I got the debit card of mine away from him yesterday. He has this habit of over drafting his own account. He pulls out money and the bank allows it. Then they charge him a fee. So basically for two checks in a row now he has nothing left. This is a cycle he is on.
I am not going to say I am innocent and don't sometimes spend. I maybe wrong, but I earn money. My major down falls is animals. I paid 300 over a year ago for a black lab. Then recently I used tax money to buy a 29 gallon tank. These two items are items that I had been wanting for a long time. I was holding off to I owned my own home.
Basically right now, I could not spend a extra dollar on anything and I am not going to make it much longer. I have been a major bitch to him. When I try to tell him to work more then he goes on about how he isn't going to take care of my son. He is great with my son. He is better than his own Dad when it comes to the attention and the teaching of every day stuff. I am basically hearing that I need to have a babysitter covered for anytime he might work. I work live in care for the elderly. There are four days a week that from 10 am until 8:30 am that I am home. I think I bring home pretty good paychecks, but it's not enough.
I am thinking of quitting my caregiver job and go work for a telephone company. My husband's daughter works there and she can probably help get me in. If I work the shift that she works it pays the most. That would 7 pm till 4 am. I would hate it. I don't know when I would sleep. However, I would be home for my son before school and after. We have had a hard time finding a babysitter, because they want him full time and we only need care twice a week. This is where I get upset. How hard is it to work around my hours. I am not asking for the world. If he would just contribute 100 a week that would probably make the difference between the boat sinking or floating. I know if I change jobs I am going to be upset. I have been taking care of the same couple full time for almost 2 years. I love them. My goal is to see them to the end. They are 98 years old. I find it sad that I can make more money working on the telephones. But I find it more sad that my husband isn't giving me much of a choice.
Am I wrong for wanting the best of both worlds for my kids? A place to call home and a great Dad? My biggest memory of before shit fell apart in my childhood is when my parents lost the house. I don't want my children to move from one house to another. I want better?
Right now I have 25.00 in my pocket and we have a bet that I can't support my son and myself on it. It's only two days till payday so I am not worried. I will not rip off a bank to have extra cash. My husband on the other hand has 70.00 in his pocket, because he ripped off the bank. I am not sure why we have this bet but that's what he wanted.
Maybe I am taking out some of my anger out on him, because Izzy's parents haven't wrote me back? Maybe I am just tired of being walked on? All I know is that I am pissed. We just bought a new car used car, because his broke down. He needs it for his job. Right now I am wishing I just kept him unemployed, because I have gained a extra 300 in payments, but I don't see hardly anything from his job.
There is a big part of me that wants my life on the right track for Izzy. Of course I want my boys to see that I am doing well. But when Izzy meets me I don't want her thinking.. good thing she gave me away.. They are living without gas or always broke. Or good thing because they live in a cheap motel room.
Last night, I was trying to relax and work on Izzy's scrapbook. It bugs me that I am low on supplies. Yes I can still work on it, but I don't have the protective sheets for the book anymore. I love making the book and being able to flip through the pages. It makes me angry I work very hard and I am having to watch my pennies.
To make matters even worse, I am on a unpaid vacation from work. I had planned a vacation in advance, because I really needed the time away from work. I feel that him not paying for hardly anything and expecting the world is showing so much disrespect that I am having a hard time really feeling the love.

a little talk with my son

A while back, I heard that my younger son told my husband that he had a sister and he didn't mean his step sister who is much older than him. He calls her his sister even though there is very little relationship. He does talk to her once in a while and loves to see her. That's as far as it goes. It bugs me that he refers to her as his sister, because it's not the relationship I had with my sisters. But I don't discourage him from calling her his sister.
So a little while ago, I took down Izzy's picture from when she was young and asked
Me: Do you know who this is?
Son: you
Me: no her name is Izzy
Son: huh?
Me: She is my baby. I had her when I was young and wasn't able to take care of her. She lives with another family. She is my daughter and kind of like your sister.
Son: You got pregnant when you were young? If I was a girl.. I could be pregnant now?
Me: No.. that's way too young.. I was 14 years old.
Son: So if brother was a girl he could be pregnant
Me: Yes but it takes a girl and a boy to have a baby.
Son: confused look on his face
Me: You haven't heard about Izzy before?
Son: No
Me: StepDad told me that you mentioned that you have a sister and you weren't talking about Penny. Didn't you say that?
Son: No
Me: So you never knew about Izzy? Brother or your Dad didn't tell you?
Son: No
Son: How old is she?
Me: 17 years old.. She will be 18 on her next birthday.
Son: When is her birthday?
Me: Sept 11
Son: Do you know where she lives?
Me: Yes in our state
Son: Can we go see her?
Me: No. The family is scared of me for some reason. We have to wait until Izzy is old enough to decide on her own
Son: I want a kid sister
Me: I am sorry but I can't have any more kids. I am going to put the picture away now ok?
Son. Okay.. goes back to watching cartoons


I don't know what to think about him saying that he didn't know. My husband made it sound like he already knew of Izzy, but tried to discourage him from talking about it. Did this conversation really happen? Was it a lie that my husband told me just to have one more thing to be mad at my first husband? Or did the discouraging him from talking about her make him forget. I told my older son I wasn't happy that my younger son found out. He said he didn't say anything. I didn't ask my first husband if he told. My fist husband is the one who told my older son, because I believe he wanted to hurt me.
Well I am happy that I finally got this out in the open. I don't want him to think that I kept secrets or Izzy to be upset, because they weren't told.

Yesterday we threw a birthday party for my son. He turned 9 years old last week. We planned a party at home and hoped the children could play outside, but it was raining. So, my husband arranged for a pizza party where he works. We took the juice, cake and ice cream with us. We let my 14 year old know that he would have to drink juice too. Being that I am a adult I will order soda. My 14 year let us know before we left that he didn't think that was right. We told him that he is a kid and we can't let him order soda and the rest get juice.
The waitress who knows my pattern of drinking lots of soda brings me a pitcher along with a glass. I thought my son was doing very well. He wasn't showing a attitude or anything. So, I took one of the little glasses we brought and poured him some soda. That was all he got. He didn't ask for it. I just gave it to him. It's my way of explaining that your more likely to get stuff if you don't act up. When my husband seen that he had a glass of soda he was mad. He didn't think it was right.
Was I wrong in giving my son the soda?
The day kind of started off on a bad start. We wanted him to stay Sunday night with us and he already had plans to stay at his Grandma's and then when I called to warn him that I wasn't going to rush him home he went on about how he had plans with his friends and was expecting to be home by 6 pm. My son thought since I was picking him up at 2 pm that the party started at 2 pm. I explained to him that it's rude to show up for a party or dinner especially at your families to just eat and run. My son's overall behaved pretty good.
Just for the record my older son lives with his Dad, because he thought the grass is greener on the other side. I basically think he thought Dad would be more fun, because he let him get away with a lot of stuff on the every other weekend visit.
One more question for you guys. Do you think it's right that I ask my son if he wants to come for a extra visit? I think as a 14 year he should sometimes be able to say no. I typically see my son more than the every other weekend, but still think the child should have some say in if he wants to come over or not. Divorce is never easy.
On the adoption front. When I drove past Izzy's house as I always do when I drop my son off at his Dad's nothing looks changed. Don't worry I don't hang out in the area. I go by at about 45 mph. It just that I look for a For Sale sign or signs that they are moving. I see none. I do see 2 and sometimes 3 different vehicles there. I wonder is Izzy driving now? She is old enough. I wonder did they just give her a car? Or did they make her work for it?
I gave my son a scrap book page to make something of his own to include in my book. I will be excited to see what he comes up with. Well as bugs bunny from my time would say. That's all folks!
P.S. I forgot to say that party was great!! It was perfect. We had a total of seven kids and three adults and we had a great time. We let the kids pig out on pizza, cake and ice cream. The total cost for the pizzas were only 12.00 because of my husbands discount.