I forgot to blog about how the teacher from my high school did remember me and asked me how I was doing. I wrote her back and told her how much she meant to me and that when I do think of that first year without my daughter, I do remember her. It felt really good to tell her how I have contact with my daughter. It's came full circle. I am glad that I came across her on FB.

Every once in a while, I like to remind people that I do have the private blog that I write in when it comes to my thoughts and feelings about my contact with my daughter. If anyone is interested and especially if you are part of the triangle of adoption. Just send me your email address and as long as I can get a feel for who you are. I will send you an invite.

I went to my second Sunday of babysitting and it was much better than the first time. I was actually able to get the youngest baby to quit crying. Also, there was a little girl there. This church has almost all boys. There must be something in the water there. Well, anyways, there was this horse and she was riding it and she said all princess should have horses. Cute! I really do have a good time watching all the kids play. The girl had a brother that was almost two and that is my favorite age. So, I got to play a little one on one with him. I like to be able to teach while I play. I miss having little children and playing with them is so fun.

One week from today is Izzy's 19th birthday. It's the first birthday that I can actually tell her Happy birthday and for that I am so happy. I am not only dreading her birthday. I am dreading it but also excited because of the contact.
I have gave myself an easy week at work. I worked tonight and I don't go back until Wednesday. Normally, I am off on Sunday and Monday but my son has to go to the dentist on Tuesday. Then, I work wed-fri and then I am off sat, sun and monday again. I have a few things that I want to do that I hope will keep me feeling too sad.
I am hoping to work on Izzy's scrapbook. I am planning on painting a doll bed that I bought from the flea market. I am thinking of going out to dinner with my husband if I am lucky to take a little road trip. Also,there is the paid babysitting job on Sundays now. I really hope I can enjoy the day more. I hope I can be content with what's been good and not relive the hours of crying from years past.

Dear Izzy

It's almost your birthday once again. Only this time, I do get to play a small role in it and that makes me so excited. I am like a school girl who can't help but jumping for joy.Getting to know you through the Internet has given me so much. It has allowed me to see how beautiful you are and more importantly that you have led a great life.
I do a lot of reading here and there and I been noticing a pattern. Almost every other book just has to mention the attacks that happened on Sept 11 2001 and that happened to be your birthday. Never before did I think of your birthday with the date 9/11 but then again no one went around saying or printing 9/11 this and 9/11 that and before 9/11 and now because of 9/11. After seeing it twice this week, two different books, I cried some. I want to scream enough about 9/11. Wake me up when September leaves. Your birthdays have always been really hard on me. I have missed you so much. I have lost a child. On your birthdays, I would think of you so much and hard to believe that another year had passed since I held you last. Sometimes, I say that 19 years have gone fast and other times.. it's been so slow.
Sometimes, I can think of you and smile. i am so proud of you. Other times, I get so sad. I want to go back in time and make you all mine. All the talk about 9/11 makes me think of you when I am just doing my day to day stuff. I wish I could always think happy thoughts,but I can't. I miss what I feel should have been. I understand that you won't share my feelings. Izzy, I love you so much. You are smart, beautiful and caring. I am honored to be able to help celebrate your birthday. I know it may seem silly. But this feels like your 1st birthday to me! So, happy 1st birthday and happy 19th birthday!! Love always,

It is my old teacher

I wrote her last night asking if she was the same Liz who was teaching in 1991 and she wrote me back yes. It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't remember me. Of course, I have a different last name. I haven't said who I am or why I was asking.

How do you say thanks to a teacher that home schooled me for six weeks when I didn't even have a home. We were staying in a hotel room. How do you say thanks to someone who came to the Dr with me for some scary tests because I had been dealing with an own known illness. How do you say thanks to someone who showed you care and compassion when you didn't have it at home? Not to say that my Mom and Dad didn't love me but they were not acting like parents. How do you say thanks to someone who listened to you crying because your daughter's family ran off and it just hit you that the promised pictures wouldn't be coming? I am not sure if there is any amount of thanks can repay her for what she did for me. When I think of that first year without my daughter. I have to take a double take. Did I really make it through that year? Some of it seems like a blur.. I think of all the cruel things. How my mother's family would yell at me for crying.. How my parents chose to pretend nothing happened and how much I missed her. To this day, I don't think I could walk through those school doors. A couple years ago, my son was starting the eight grade and had an event at the school and I just couldn't go. Normally, I can put my kids ahead of myself but that is one building that I just can't go back to. It was pure hell. But my memories always include Liz and the little things she did for me. It's kind of ironic that I think she actually rejected me. I guess I can't blame her. It's not as if I still look the same and my name is different. It's just kind of funny because rejection is on my problems in life. I have seen quite a bit of it, but this one, I think is kind of funny.

What happens if you ask someone on Fb to be friend and they reject you? Does the waiting for them to confirm just go away? It looks like the teacher rejected me. I suppose I should at least told her who I was but I didn't because I am not 100% sure it's the right person. So, I just send her a message asking if she taught there. I think it would be awesome to talk to her and let her know that I do remember all that she did. Plus, she is so much in the beginning of my story. Wouldn't it be awesome to let her know that I found Izzy after all these years?
I know I have some teachers that read this.. would you want someone to tell you how you made a difference? Also, I just think it's an amazing job and want teachers to know that they do make a difference.