Exciting news!!

I came to blogging about adoption loss to share my story but also I love hearing other stories about adoption loss. I spent the majortity of my years in the birthmom closet and to some extent I am still in the closet. I don't share my story with many people. It's easier to sometimes just skirt around the number of kids that I have.. "My husband and I have five kids together? or I might say I have 2 kids! I know that is a lie but in the grand sceme of things I am not Izzy's Mom so therefor she really isn't my kid. Did I just write that? I don't mean that she wasn't born to me ect..or I don't care and love her but it's different.

I can't get into stories about her upbringing ect so when it comes to me being a Mom.. the only kids I can say I have raised is my two sons.

One of the blogs that I follow but don't comment on is the birthmombuds page. I feel it's possible it's too popular and if I comment Izzy could find her way to this blog.

But I am some exciting news!! Birthmombuds does a retreat and it's quite far from my house.

I told my husband I would like to go and he said go then.. He mentioned me flying out. I said "no way" "I could never fly especially on my own"

My husband then offered if I rented a car he would drive me there!! So when more information comes out and I explore the details about the retreat and figure out how much this trip will cost me.. It's very possible that we will take the trip and I can join the birthmother's retreat!!

I think I would love that!! It would be quite an adventure for us to drive it! Also, quite a challenge for us to arrange for care for our pets. Not to mention time off our jobs and the cost of the trip.. The great news is that a couple months before this trip we would most likely have our nice tax refund to fund it.

I brought Alex home so we could celebrate his 20th birthday! It was a nice day! I called off from my babysitting job so I could just give him some time one on one and we went to see a movie. I then had a bit of time alone to do my workout and just relax. We did dinner out and then came home and had cake.

It's been a long day. I have to drive Alex home soon.

Alex's birthday

Today is my oldest son's 20th birthday!! 20 years ago, my life changed for the good when I got to finally bring a baby home.. but it also was a reminder of what I mised with Izzy.

Just for the record.. I did text her.. I had two numbers and it appears I was texting an old number but that doesn't change the fact that all communication is mostly one way. But that's not what this post is going to be about.

It's about Alex and of course will be adoption and reunion related.

Truth is that I don't have tons of contact with Alex. He is horrible keeping a phone so sometimes it's hard to contact him. Plus, I admit, I think I have that little issue my Mom has and just forgets to pick up the phone.. mean to pick up the phone, want to pick up the phone but forget.. or don't know what is the best time to pick up the phone. but at the moment alex doesn't have a phone.

So unless he borrows a phone all our contact is facebook besides when we get together. He lives close to an hour away so it's not easy to go see him.. but every few months I would guess I go see him or bring him home.

I am bringing him home on Sunday to take him to a movie and dinner for his birthday so that should be fun.

The reason why I am writing this cause not too long ago my husband brought up that it's not much different between Izzy and Alex. "Alex doesn't always contact or text me" so yea that is true. but here is the difference. I know where I stand with Alex. I know that I am his Mom. I know he loves and cares about me. I can feel it. I know that while we may not talk often or get together real often but we will talk and get together.

When it comes to Izzy. I am not her Mom. I am her birthmother. We don't have shared history. There are 15 years apart in our ages. We have some in common but not tons. I don't know that Izzy loves me. I don't feel it. Sure. When she see's me she hugs me. I don't know if and when I will see Izzy. I don't want to beg for visits. I think I am done begging and while it sucks I think I can live thru it. I am worth so much more. I don't need to have someone in my life if it takes begging. I can't believe I even wrote that.

So that pretty much wraps up how on the outside Alex's and mine relationship maybe be simliar but very different.

update

I decided not to send flowers or a card on Izzy's and mine 4 year anniversery of meeting. I went agaisnt the flower idea because I couldn't afford it. I went agaisnt the card idea because since I thought of the idea late it would have never got there on time. I am thinking of sending her a card on Thanksgiving.

I did aknowlege it on facebook and got a "like" It's the most attention she has given me since the wedding reception besides telling me as they were heading out that they were just too busy to connect.

I noticed her fitbit hadn't synced up in a while and she and my sister had fallen off my friend list so I tagged them both asking what had happened. She wrote back that she didn't know why and would look into it.

Right now, I am giving her space online. I occasionally "like" something but not nearly as often and been keeping my comments down cause I don't know what is causing the silence but I just wonder if silence is what she wants right now.

It's hard not knowing or understanding what is going on with her. I have no choice but to try and be okay with the way things are right now.

My husband even suggested that she may just not want to be "my friend" that if we knew each other and were not Mother and daughter would we have enough in common with our age differences to be "friends"

I been staying pretty busy so it's easier not to dwell on this issue. I work full time. I babysit on Sunday mornings at church. Besides my recent sinus infection that took me down for about two weeks I spend a lot of time working on my health with fitness and meal planning.

I have created a group on facebook at the suggestion of a Y friend to make a challenge not to gain weight over the holidays so I am active in that. I am so close to goal! but I believe I have had a slip up enough to actually gain a couple pounds compared to my lowest.. I was less than half pound away but not am about a pound and half away from goal.

Friday is Alex's 20th birthday! It's hard to believe he is 20. I believe he is going to come home for a couple days so we will celebrate his birthday.

It's not easy but I know I need to focas on the children that I do have in my life and take Izzy with a grain of salt. I can accept when she sprinkes her presence in my life and dust the dirt off my knees when I am feeling ignored by her.