Happy Turkey Day!!! I hope everyone has a great day!

I wish whoever decided to leave that last comment could have let me know what I said that was so hateful. I try my best to be supportive and give insight from my side of things. It's too bad that you can't show your face to explain in a nicer way how I said something on your blog that offended you.

Question to another birthmother

For me being a birthmother has meant that there are sometimes suprising new painful situations that come up according to the stage of life This is part of a comment from Kelly.
Kelly, I really agree with your statement. I hope you don't mind me using it here. There have been different stages in my life when my memories and grief hits me like a train. Except their are no sirens or bells. It just knocks me down. I just have to dust the dirt off me knees and keep going.
You said it was always a open adoption. Did that include visits and if so how often. I kind of wonder about visits that only happen once or twice a year. Is it really building relationships. I have four nieces that live far away. I only see them once or twice a year. I love them, but I really don't know them anymore. I know it's not the same.
I know you haven't walked in my shoes from a closed side of it, but do you think your kids handled it better or worse maybe compared to a closed adoption. Because when my kids ask questions I don't have the answers. Or do you find it more difficult because the loss of their sister is more in their face. I am not anti adoption or pro adoption. I fall in the middle. I do believe adoption should be in the extreme cases, but that's my thoughts. I am all for open adoption.

I used to wonder when was the right time to tell my children, especially, my first born, that he wasn't my first born. There is no perfect moment to say ya know there was another child before you, but she went to a different home. Opps sorry I let you claim the first born status. Since, my kids never asked did I really lie?
Well, yes I did. Because when my first son saw a picture of Izzy and asked who it was. I said it was me. It was a easy lie to pass off, because the picture could pass for me. But I felt bad and in the closet Izzy went. That's where I get the phrase that all my adoption pain gets shoved in the closet. I didn't deal with it. I just put it in there and let it sit.
After my split, from my first husband, when my son was about 12 years old. My ex husband told him it was her birthday. Opps! He thought he knew. I don't buy that for a minute. However, it did lead to being able to be more out in the open. It took at least a year, before my son had the courage to ask about her again. As more time passes, I feel a little more comfortable with allowing myself to enjoy the simple things. Izzy's toddler picture on the wall and the charm, with her name, that hangs from my van. Someday, I hope to wear a ring with all my children's birthstone.
I do wonder though is all these little things worth it to my boys. Wondering how much and when they can understand. And trying to find the right way to tell them, we don't know what kind of a relationship, if any, they will have with her.
Within, the last couple months my oldest son said two things that have stuck out. HE told me.. I just realized that I am not the first born. Also, he said he remembering me telling him that Izzy's picture was me.
I wonder when children learn of other children being placed for adoption if age changes their desire to want to know about the missing child? All I can go on his my experience. First son learned about her at around 12 years and second son learned about her at 9 years of age. They both ask questions but in different ways. If I had to say who is affected the most about missing out the sister, I would have to say my younger son. But I am not sure if it's her he feels the loss for her or a sister. Well, enough for now.

I am just amazed at the change in my marriage with my husband. We had some very dark days and things have just gotten so wonderful. I am crazy in love with him. I love him more today, than the day I married him. I am so happy that I have him in my life and that he is in my kids life. He means the world to me. I feel so blessed to be lucky enough to get a second chance at love. Today, is Veteran's day and my husband served four years for our U.S Navy. I can't take the credit for being a military wife, because he wasn't mind then, but I am still proud that he served our country. To honor my husband on this special day and more important to show the world how much I love him, I bought him some flowers. I know flowers for a guy, but sometimes the best love is when your willing to step out of the box and not go with the normal.

I have been trying to find the right words to put this post. A few people who wanted to follow me over on my new blog just had a profile and no blog or their blogs were private. I welcome anyone to keep reading here, but I just can't risk sharing my blog if I don't have a clue who is on the other side of the profile.
It was brought to my attention that a family member might be reading this and I don't want some stuff read by them. I feel safer knowing that if I can see someone's blog that it isn't my family pulling a fast one on me. I know that anyone can make up a blog and use fake name and stuff, but I don't think they will go to that extent to read.

How many of my readers have children in that magic age range when they still believe in Santa. Do you ever remember hearing your child tell Santa what he wants and you think damn now I got to go chasing down a police car with sirens and lights. So, you go from store to store to buy your child that special gift and call it from Santa? Why do we as parents do that? It it because, we love our kids so much that it hurts so badly not to give them what their hearts desire?

One thing, that I haven't blogged much is about how adoption has affected my boys. Izzy has been talked about but not in too much detail. She is someone who I want to talk about, but afraid to really get into their heads. I know they are interested in her, but to what degree. I just don't know. It's hard to really want to know the answer, because I can't promise that I can give them what their heart desires if they desire a relationship with her. I can't bring myself to tell them that they will never have a sister. That no matter what the sister/brother relationship that should have been will never happen. How do you break your kids heart. So it's just easier to avoid the subject. I would say that both kids bring her up equally. My older son got excited when he seen her name in my van. It's a necklace with all three kids names hanging from charms. My younger son gets those sad eyes and says he wishes he had a sister.  I don't know what the future holds them them and Izzy. I wish it was as easy has hunting down that cop car that had the cool sirens and lights. Or has easy it was to buy them a new bike and see their eyes light up. 

I think it's important to remember that adoption affects more people than we normally think about. It's such a sad world out there. I wish I had all the answers to this world's problems, but I don't. 

I have loved the support that I have gotten from sharing my story. After, lots of thinking, I have to do something new. I made a new blog that I will do by invite only. I know it's a pain, but I feel that it's best for me. I will continue to blog here when I feel that it's something I can share with everyone. I hope most of my followers will be willing to join me as I continue to talk. Can you please leave your email address so I can send you a invite. If your more comfortable I can leave my email address yours isn't out in the open. Follow me on over.