I just finished reading a book. It's called Her Daughter's eyes by Jessica Barksdale Inclan. It's a story about two young girls. Their Mom died of cancer and their father was left to be a parent all own his own. He failed so badly. He ended up basically moving out to stay with his girlfriend and her kids and would only come back to check on them. He thought because they were older that they didn't need them.
Well, it turns out that one of the girls is pregnant and talks the sister into keeping the pregnancy a secret and delivering the baby at home. The girls get through the whole pregnancy without anyone knowing.
This book, in a small way, reminds me of how I hid my pregnancy. However, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't go as far as to have a baby at home though. It's not a true story but the author got the idea for the book from a true story. I won't tell anymore of the story just in case anyone wants to read the book.
I have been thinking of how I am so bored with reading blogs. It's not the same anymore. I still want to read them though. Anyone got a good blog to send my way?

volunteering

Tonight is week two of ten week group for the Meld girls. I really love providing the child care for the children. My children are ten and 15 years of age, so hanging around babies to toddlers is fun. I told the other volunteer that I hog the girls. I figure I might as well her know that and since I am the experienced volunteer this time around. I have more say so. Last week, there was only three kids , two were new. One, was a little girl. She was so cute. When I first started with them a while back, I was afraid that I would be sad. However, it's the other way around. I am having so much fun with all the children that I can't think about adoption or what should have been. I am giving 100% to the kids. I love it.
Even after I leave, it's a feeling of great joy. I know the Mom's don't really know me but they trust that I will do my best for the children. It makes me feel so awesome to be part of something so worth wild. Instead of crying that more should be done to help young Mom's keep their children. I am doing something.

Saturday, we went to a church rummage sale. It was the last day so they were really looking to get rid of somethings. I piled a bunch of baby clothes in the bag. I collect dolls so my husband didn't think nothing of me buying clothes. However, most of these were for Meld. I did save a couple things for my dolls and saved a bib that says I love Daddy for baby girl. (step daughter's beautiful baby) Some of the stuff on the tables were stained and I didn't get them. I think all babies should at least start off with clothes that aren't stained.

I also found two shorts that I thought would fit me. Normally, I wouldn't buy clothes unless I knew for sure, but what was one dollar and one dollar was for the whole bag. The stuff fit, but what was cool was that if I hadn't lost the 20 lbs, I know that they wouldn't have. Being overweight sucks but when it comes to getting clothes.. it really sucks. They make clothes for big people to make it look like they are wearing a tent. So, it was kind of nice to actually be able to buy something used and it fit.

Today, is three years of home ownership for my family. My present to myself was a lab. A long time ago, I had to give a lab mix away because we had to move. So, enjoy a picture of me and my girl.

teens and divorce

My oldest son was 11 when his Dad and I split. He is now almost 16 years old. It seems like he still hasn't adjusted to the changes that life has thrown at him. Or is it all about that he is a teen and it's not so much about the divorce.
My situation is a little different than some. We had two kids and a couple years after the divorce my oldest son went to live with his Dad. My younger son stayed with me. So, basically, no one pays child support and we don't fight in courts over visitation rights. We have had our differences but we don't take them to court.
Every weekend, once of has both kids and one of doesn't have any kids. My son's spend every weekend together. We also don't stick to the hours on the weekend. Sometimes, things might change up a little. An extra day here... ect.
My teenager seems to be the one who just doesn't adjust to coming to my house. It's way better than it used to, but it's a lot of pressure to please him. My son has a routine with his Dad and my household has a routine. We are clashing big time. We try to bend a little and make it work but we can't change our whole way of life because he is home.
My son wants to be entertained the whole weekend. He can't be on his own. We can watch movies, ride bikes, play the wii... goof around on the computer.. go to the ymca... visit with family.. or friends and at 11 pm at night. he is still going strong. He still wants to have someone watch him. If we get lucky and he spends an hour doing something on his own.. he will come up every ten mins to say come look at this or guess what I did. It comes a point at night.. that I want to strip my clothes and curl up with my husband.. or curl up with a good book and I can't get the message through to him.
I could even say tell me good night because I might fall asleep here on the couch. like I said, I don't mind bending the rules some.. but he just pushes for too much.
He also can't seem to accept that he is getting older and can do more on his own. He actually got mad that he had to fend for himself for his breakfast. I don't make a big deal out of breakfast. My ten year old son is learning to pour his own cereal or make his own toast. It's not that I am lazy. I just feel that he is old enough to take on some of his own responsibilities.
I was married to his Dad. I know that his Dad isn't fixing his breakfast. I just don't get it. Today, I got really mad. I did the when I was your age story.. I had to walk to get the food and make it myself..
I know that he hasn't had it easy but I had it much worse. Anyone have any teens? Is this a teen thing or more of not adjusting to divorce and remarriage. I just don't think it's normal for a teen to want to be at his Mom's hip.. Today, he actually told me that we should get up at 8 am like a normal family and have breakfast by 8 am and lunch at a normal time.. My husband has a rule.. no kids out of the bedroom until 10 am if they isn't any school. He likes the quiet time when he wakes up to get ready for work... We been letting my younger son stay up later than normal, because it's summer. One, I can't be kept up till midnight or later and be up at 8 am. Two, if I am not working and they are not in school.. why would we want to keep a schedule so we can have meals at the right time.
My son is really happy go lucky as long as it's all his way. His radio station.. his way when it comes to watching a movie.. his way..... I need my son to understand that life isn't always going to be his way and sometimes it just sucks.. I need him to know how to feed himself. I don't want him 18 or 19 and living on his own and not knowing how to cook a simple meal. I don't want my son to be afraid to be alone.. Sometimes, you have to be alone..
I know some birthmom's, ones especially haven't went on to have more kids and raise them.. might think that they would treasure every moment. It's not that I don't treasure my time with my sons. I need them to grow up and be able to take care of themselves. I need them to be able to be social and have friends. My son won't even try to locate friends in my neighborhood. I own my house. It's not that I am moving every six months. Sorry... this has been a lot of bitching but I needed to vent.

My Good stuff

I have an awesome husband. Our love continues to grow.
I have two great sons.
Next week, we will celebrate three years of home ownership.
My husband has been understanding of my lack of hours at my job.
As far as I know, I am getting unemployment. I won't believe it until I see money.
My husband fixed our bikes! Um.. but I ran over a stick and the chain is off. Opps. haha
It's a beautiful day!
Our garden is growing really well.
I am maintaining a 20 lbs lost. I been following this blog and have to lose five pounds before the end of June to to meet the goal that I set on her blog.
I got to play with baby girl. She is full of giggles.
I started volunteering for Meld again. There was a new little girl and I told the other volunteer that I hog the girls. :)

My Mom

I want to continue to blog about my Mom tonight. It's such a hard thing to understand, my Mom, that is. I don't understand what makes my Mom tick. I find it odd that I don't have many memories of my Mom during my childhood. Maybe it's because most of our early childhood isn't something that we can really remember. I can imagine that at one time, that I was important to my Mom. Maybe, the lack of memories is because my Mom tended to work more. My Dad admits that was one of the things that made my Mom mad about my Dad. He didn't work enough.
It's not that my memories of my Dad are all that good. I remember him being mean. I remember him being tough and causing physical pain. It wasn't as if he wanted to hurt us, but he was just rough. Or maybe I was a baby. But I didn't like being pinched and stuff. But my Dad is the one I remember. My Dad is the one who picks up and phone and dials my number. My Dad is the one who offered a place to stay when we were broke.. My Dad is the one who offers money if he thinks we need it. My Dad is the one who continues to call me. My Dad is a grandparent that my children see on somewhat of a regular basis.
But my Dad was not there for me when I was pregnant without the baby's Dad around. He was nonexist and never spoke of my daughter. I hope someday that I can get past that. Besides, not being there for me when I had my daughter, my Dad continues to talk about my Mom as she is good. He puts her on a mountain and praises her as good. That is something that I can and never will understand. I do understand the bond that comes with having children with someone. You can divorce them but my ex and I share a lot. We share kids. But I won't praise him where he doesn't earn the praise.
Back to my Mom, I don't know where to go from here. I know this may sound bad, but I haven't had my Mother in my life so long that if it continues this way.. I don't see it getting any worse. I have faced rejection. I do not have a mother daughter relationship with her. I haven't in a long time. Sure, she will answer the phone or the door but can she really accept me as me. Can she begin to love me as a daughter. Can she see that she is throwing family away.
Sometimes, I wonder if things continue as they are and my Mom dies... Will I have regret? Will I feel that I done all I could do.... I ask myself over and over how do you restore a relationship that was lost years ago? How do you rebuild trust when it was taken from me many many years ago? I don't know the answers.. I would like to ask my Mom.. What have I done to cause you to ignore me? Do you know that the phone line works both ways? And how come when my husband at the time, (ex now) said to me in a fight that you could die and your Mom wouldn't even know? How come it didn't hurt that he said it, but hurt that it was true. It hurt that my Mom could let a whole year pass without any contact.
My major factor in our relationship is that she prevented me from raising my daughter but made me babysit her children. How screwed up was that? Or is this the factor? I have two sisters and a brother and is it the same with them? Well, one sister lives over 12 hours away and my Mom made that trip twice. And I used to run into my Mom with my younger brother and sister at our favorite diner. It stung like rejection. Ouch! How come my mother can't call me. I know that I should just move on and accept that it is what it is. I am 34 years old and I really don't need a Mother. I can go on without it. I do have a person in my life that I call on holidays and I visit from time to time. She tells me that she loves me and I can hear how excited she is to hear from me. She tells me how important it is that we continue to build on our relationship. She isn't my Mom but I honestly can say that I love her as if she was. Oh, that's wrong. I love her more than I love my Mom. My Mom has proved over and over that it only hurts to love her.

Yesterday, I took my Dad somewhere and he said that I need to get back with my Mom. It really bugs him that we seem to have a rift between us. I asked him why? Why should I try. I dropped off some flowers and card on Mother's Day and didn't get a call or an email saying Thank you. I got nothing. I know that the point is to give and not expect anything but it takes two people to make a relationship or a friendship work. It also takes trust. I do not trust my Mother. He said that I should just go over there when I know that she is home. It's not like she is going to refuse me. Well, I could do that. I could come over once a twice for a few months and then if I don't come over. It would be back to zip. Why do I need to be treated like that. My Dad says that your Mom hardly calls him either. Hello. You guys are divorced. I am her child. Shouldn't she be in more contact with me. I am close to just accepting her as she is, but I don't know which way to go. Do I accept my place as her daughter but never see her. Or do I accept that I would be the only one making the effort and at any minute should could care less if I don't see or talk to her.

I talked to my older sister and we both wonder about our Mom and Dad's Moms' Could their Mom's been not the best of Mom's. They both came from family's of about 8 children. Was it normal for the older kids to take care of the others? We wonder how much attention each child got? Also, my Dad's Mom died when he was 16 and my Mom's was dead before she was 20 years of age.

The more and more, I think about the early deaths of my grandmother's, the more I can see why they didn't make the best parents.. why my Mom quit being a Mom and left her children to fend for themselves. It makes it easier to understand, but is it an excuse? No. I don't buy into I didn't know how to be a Mom. I just don't. I suppose it can go both ways. You can either be your parent or you can work damn hard to not be like them.

My husband's Dad walked out of his life when he was a teenager and never to be seen or heard of again. I suppose he could be a horrible Dad and hand in his excuse but from what I have heard and what I see, he is a great Dad.

So, I am still left with the question.. Why should I try with my Mom? What is the point in forcing myself in her life? Or my son's in her life? I didn't have a grandmother, but my sons have two, but only one has played a role in their lives.. Is that sad or what? I never experienced having grandma's because they died and then one of their grandma's ignores them.

I started back with Meld again. I am working with a new volunteer. So, far my impression of her as been kind of bad. She asked me if they have gloves for changing the babies? she is afraid of hiv... is that even an risk? Do dare care providers really put on gloves before changing a baby?

Today, I went to church and seen Pastor K's wife there. I don't think she attends there regularly because her husband doesn't work there anymore. But that is besides the point.

I went to marriage counseling and had some counseling on my own with Pastor K and his wife. He basically said that I have some abandonment issues and a lot of adoption related stuff. Counseling through them was good but at times it was a quick fix. What I did come out of it was a start at having someone who I could talk to about my daughter. They were one of the first that I shared with when I made contact. It made sense to tell them first. They were the first people, in real life admit that what my Mom did was wrong.

It was nice to see her again. However, I think people who reach out to people in need should be committed to being there if they need you. Or, responding if they write you to say how great you are doing. A while back, I wrote her about my husband making it to one year and she didn't write back. It kind of bothered me. She acted like she really cared for me. I kind of just decided to blow it off and remember to focus on the relationships that I do have. But seeing her reminded me of how far I have come and even though I was tempted to leave without saying hello and talking, I just couldn't do it.

So, we exchanged out hellos and how are you? She came up right up front and said how sorry she was for not writing back. She said that she meant to write back but just has been really busy.

I guess what bugs me though is that I wrote her and questioned my faith in God or had something to praise about God that she would have been right there. But since I just wrote how good we were and didn't give the credit to God, the email went unanswered. I guess my thoughts are if you believe someone has abandonment issues from their parents.... shouldn't you try to not make them feel it all over again.

I am still glad that I seen her. She said that I look so less stressed. I feel less stressed. I hope everyone is having a great Father's Day!