Birthday flowers

Izzy's birthday is in two days! I went with sending her flowers and it's the gift that I felt best with. It's been a tradition besides last year so flowers was my winning decision.

I had a hard time picking which flower arrangement to pick. This is the first time I couldn't look at flowers in the store and help pick them.

I went with this thing called deal of the day. So it means I am letting the florist arrange the flowers. So I figure they could use their creativity and make my little girl an beautiful arrangment of flowers. I splurged with sending 3 balloons with the flowers. If money wasn't an option I would have loved to see the surprize on her face with sending 22 balloons.. but 22 times 3 dollars is out of this world.

babies and dolls

Today at the church I babysit for I got to cuddle with a real live baby boy. The church doesn't have a lot of growing families and it's one of those kinds of churches that accepts everyone including cross dressers and I have oftened wondered if that's why they don't have many young people with children. However, all that is besides the point. Often times, they pay me to do nothing. Well, they have to pay me for my time kids or no kids.

I love it when I get the rare chance to have a baby in the nursery. There is one family that had a baby 4 months ago and they haven't been coming too often.

It was so nice to cuddle with him. It made all the child free days worth it to get that moment to cuddle with such an innocent sweet baby boy.

I have been trying to clean up my house now that I am here on my own without my husband. It's not coming along too fast and some of it is the normal dishes and laundry ect.

Today, I cleaned up 4 of the 6 of my dolls. They been collecting dust and to be honest didn't have clothes cause I had stripped them cause they were dirty.

There was a time where you wouldn't have seen my dolls all dirty like that. I don't know or can't pin point the excact reasons why. One reason I am thinking is cause the doll shop closed down. I can no longer put one on layaway and pay for it over time.

Another reason could be that we just ended up with more furniture and the dolls no longer got a lot of space to be displayed. A couple of them are in my bedroom in their bed. So they just kind of feel like they are shoved in a corner so maybe that's why.

I suppose the last and maybe most real answer could be that dolls were filling a void in my life where my real life was lacking. Not that I have a lot of babies in my life. I haven't been volunteering for the nursery in months so the only contact I am coming with babies is the rare chance with the church.

The couple years we had our grand daughter with us quite a bit gave me some insight into having a little girl in the home. I miss our time together in the morning when she would do her "make up" with me and brush teeth. It's hard to say if my grand daughter filled the void or my renewed relationship with my gorwn child that started out as a baby.

I have thought about getting rid of the dolls but I just don't think I can do that. I would rather find an happy meduim to taking care of them and finding places for them in our house again.

Maybe my daughter's upcoming birthday is awakening something inside me. I haven't felt the best this week. 22 years ago, at this time I was very pregnant with Izzy. Right now, I am very sore with pms stuff trying to kick my ass.

Friday, I leave for a retreat for Mom's with special needs childen. So it will be really nice to get away.

It's 4 more days until Izzy's birthday and 4 more days until another anniverseray of the 9/11 attacks. What has it been 12 years? I had almost forgotten about the shared birthday until someone spoke about it the other day. How sad is it that I have almost forgotten? The two on the same day cause me a lot of suffering. It made the birthday blues come early. It made the memory of Izzy pop up all the time cause rarely can you read a true story about anything withthout the mention of 9/11 coming up.

I haven't had a good week. Physically, I been feeling tired and worn down. A little sad but not much. I know it's the sypmtoms on my period before it starts going on right now.

I am not taking the day off work again. I believe it's the 2nd birthday I chose not to have the day off and make my husband drive me all around everywhere. Sometimes, I wouldn't make myself clear, and we would only be gone a few hours and I get upset.

So I just plan on working and probably not really do anything. I believe I might have a playdate set up for my son with a special needs friend so between work and the playdate hoping things will go smoothly and it won't be a depressing day.

Her bithdays are not so bad anymore. I have been in reunion shortly after her 18th birthday and met shortly after her 19th birthday so I have a lot to be happy for. I don't have the kind of relationship I wish we had. I believe the distance has made things harder. I wish she never moved away but she is happy there so I guess that's all that matters.

I been at 189 followers for a very long time... anyone reading but not following?? Do me a favor and follow.. I would love to see 190 followers and maybe someday 200 followers. I imagine I maybe getting boring since I don't have a lot of drama in my life right now. I guess that's a good thing.

9 days until Izzy's birthday!! I got her new address and have decided with sending flowers but haven't decided on the dollar amount or what florist in the area yet. I only have a few days to decide because I would like it ordered and paid for by Friday. I am looking at fruit baskets on the florists website. Women answer this would you rather have pretty flowers or stuff you could eat and it's not candy? She has mentioned she saves the dead flowers so she must like them.

Desisions. Desisions to make.

need a little advice

if you would pop over to my private blog you will see what the advice needed is. Thanks.

Questions and answers

It's been quite a long time since I have done a post with Questions from readers and answers from me. So if anyone is dying to know anything about me or what is going on in my life go for it. It can be adoption reunion related or some other topic that your intrested in learning more about. Don't be shy. Ask away!!