Forgiveness

When I went to the church last weekend with the Pastor K and his wife the message from the Pastor giving the service was Forgiveness. To not live in anger and bitterness and that it does no one any good. I had counseling with Pastor K and his wife and we mostly talked about Forgiveness. I have a hard time letting go. I was questioning how do you forgive someone if they haven't asked for it. They said that forgiving isn't so much about them coming to you and asking for forgiveness. It's more about letting it all go and not living in my prison.
I kind of shocked Pastor K for me trying/wanting to deal with the issues with my Mom. He believes a lot of people and done me wrong and forgiving is going to be very hard. I have found so much peace in going and speaking to them and being around the church and all the other people.
I am going to really try and tackle forgiveness for my Mom. If I can do that then I can do anything. I explained to them that I had thought I had forgiven her, but I later found out that I haven't. I did talk some about how my Mom treats me. How she never calls or makes any kind of effort to see me anymore. How when I see her she gives me the brush off. I explained how I made the decision to not make any effort to see or talk to my Mom, but I haven't really stuck totally to it. I tried to call her on Christmas, Mother's Day and when I see her I try to be friendly, but I feel nothing coming back from her but coldness. They said it's okay to put me first. I don't have to include her in my life if I can't do it.
It has really helped to get the support of others in my life right now. It makes me feel good to know that I have someone who will help me and also someone telling me that everything is going to be okay. I have to trust in God and Pastor K and his wife that everything will be okay. I will know my daughter someday!

one more month

Izzy's birthday is only one month away. I think I have decided against inviting my family to come watch the balloons float away in the air. I don't think I would be able to keep it cool around my Mom if she dared to show. So, I might instead post for anyone who is interested to make a scrapbook page for me to add to her book. It might be easier than trying to force everyone to celebrate with me.
Overall, I am doing better. I still get really upset inside when my husband says things that hurt. I still want to hear his support in a reunion someday. I don't want to worry that he might hide a letter or a phone call.

Work has been crazy. The couple I take care of has been going through some changes. She spent a week in the hospital and no in the rehab department of a the nursing home. I just learned today that it would be my last day with them. He is moving into the rehab department to be with her and will most likely stay in the nursing home. This is mostly about money. I just feel so bad. I know they will not get the same amount of love and attention as they did with 24 hour care at home. I had to tell them goodbye. I am a rule breaker. I will see them again even though I am not suppose to.

Dear Izzy

My very first job was at McDonald's. It was all fun and games until I had my first son. I remember the reason that I wanted to work before I finished high school was, because I was tired of babysitting my brother and sister. I was very good at saving money. I loved seeing my bank account grow. I didn't spend much, but when I moved out, I soon learned how fast my bank account went away.
My current job is a caregiver. I have been working as one for almost three years. I provide in-home care for the elderly. I made the best income providing live- in care for a very old couple. They were 96 years when I first met them and now they are 98 years old. We are no longer allowed to provide live-in care, because of their high needs. It's no longer safe for us to sleep while they sleep. Sandy just spent a week in the hospital over a infection and some blood pressure issues. Then, she was moved to a rehab center to get stronger. It doesn't look like my clients will be staying in their own home. My hours are down now and I have to start figuring what my next step is going to be. I am not sure if I can make it on the income I can bring in now. I am not sure I can be happy with myself if I don't have a rewarding job. I know life isn't all about money so I don't know to either trust my company or go running for another job.
I wonder do you work part time? I think working gives teenagers a better understanding how to work for money and then how fast it goes away.
I hope your safe and sound in your bed dreaming sweet dreams. I love you very much!

My husband was going through the pictures in the camera and came across the picture of the page of Izzy. He had two things to say about it.
1. The book is about me and not about her. So he don't think she should be in the book. Hello!! Isn't my daughter part of me. Does he not realize that even though the book is about me it's a book for her.
2. He thinks that Izzy might find it odd that I have the pictures of her even though I don't know her. Like she might be freaked out. I found the pictures in the yearbook. I didn't camp outside her house and school and snap pictures. Now maybe that would be creepy. So my question is if you all were in Izzy's place would you find the fact that I have pictures of her weird?

I met the Pastor and his wife and sat with some of their family members at a different church and was with them during the service. It was a very moving time for me. I felt like the Pastor was talking to me about bitterness and anger and stuff. I agree with him that being biter don't help anyone, but how do you let go of the hurt and anger of losing a child? Right now, my Mom actually makes me feel ill. I am not sure if it's because she made me place my daughter for adoption or that she just plain ignores me. I will probably meet up with him and his wife for counseling again. Part of me feels selfish, because I am putting my needs before the marriage counseling. However, my husband and I are still getting along much better than before.

scrap book pictures

I have taken some pictures of the scrap book pages. It's not the best camera, but it will do. Making the scrap book has been just wonderful. Sometimes the reason, I am making it makes me sad, but mostly I get a deep satisfaction from creating it. I can imagine the day I give it to Izzy. I almost am not going to want to give it up, but for her I will. The pictures of the girl is Izzy. Out of the five girl shot she is the tallest one in the back.

There isn't much going on in my head in the adoption land. I still think of my daughter, but things have been looking up. I am taking a break from counseling. I met the whole family of the Pastor and I feel like I am taking away from them. So, this evening,my family we are going to have a cookout at a park.
My work has been kind of crazy. My clients of two years still are not sure if they are going to move or just deal with my company's prices long term. I just wish he would make up his mind. I am loving my new hours. I am still working a really long day, but I come home every night. It's been different, but I love it. I am am working 40 hours in three days and making a little less, but it's worth it.
The wife of the couple I take care of has been in the hospital since Sunday. She just came home today. We stayed with her in the hospital which was very stressful.

scrapbook

I am in the process of printing The Dear Izzy letters to add them to the scrapbook. I am including the number of comments for each letter.
Also, right now I am trying to work more with art than just snapping pictures. I am not a artist and haven't drawn since I was a kid, but I get a deep satisfaction if I can pull something off for Izzy. I still plan on sharing some pictures of the pages, but just haven't found the time yet.