Confession

I just had lunch with my son and his girlfriend. She is really showing her pregnancy now.. She is due late July! I am really excited for them and for myself. I can't why to the baby is born but I have a confession.

I came home and ate a bit of food out of control.. meaning way more than I needed too. I already had ate lunch so not hungry. I had way to much homemade carrot cake and then 4 chocolate covered cherries and feel sort of yucky! I haven't workout yet so that doesn't help my situation. I don't know what is but feel like it's triggered by seeing them..

I don't know if it's an adoption thing or just stressed about the life changing events my son will be going thu.. As of right now the momma to be is under age and lives at home with her Dad.. if Dad gets mad he controls them by not letting my son see his girlfriend. Mom will be 18 years of age shortly after the baby is born and my son says they will get their own place then.. but the kicker is that Mom quit her job so that means at the moment she doesn't have any money.

I really like my son's girlfriend and I am excited to see where that goes as far as her being part of my family... I wonder if that is where my bad feelings is coming from.. does this young girl represent my lost daughter? As in I see what I am missing??

Well, I don't quite know what it is that has caused this stress but time to get rid of this pent of energy and hoping that it all resolves itself.

retreat rambles

I go on my birthmother's retreat in about a month! I am super excited to go! I feel like this event might be life changing for myself. It will be filling a need of mine that has been missing for ages. I am still chipping away saving money to make the trip as nice as possible. I don't want to be worried about money.

I have decieded to maintain my weight loss and haven't given it much thought if I will aim to be strict with myself or enjoy my time and not think about calories and just eat what I want. I been maintaining my loss for a month now. I will try to post pictures soon.

I do have something heavy on my mind. I feel uncomfortable talking about this retreat! I even feel guilty for feeling odd about it. I guess I still don't feel good in my own skin when it comes to being a birthmom. I have mentioned it to a few people and one person who is a co worker happens to know about it cause we are friends on facebook and I shared the post about the retreat and he asked me what it is.. so kind of akward when someone asks what is "birthmombuds" who doesn't really know my past.

Reunion has made talking about things a little easier but overall unless the person is close knit with me and I am comfortable with them.. it's just not a subject I like talking about. I guess that's more for the reason why I need this retreat.

Retreat update

I am getting pretty excited about my upcoming retreat for birthmom's! I am excited for the chance to get a little one on one time with my husband during the travel..and the chance to meet other birthmom's. I think that experince is going to be out of this world. I know that we all won't have the same stories or even the same thoughts on adoption but to be in a room full of other women who have placed children for adoption should be amazing!

Birthmom Buds is the one putting on the retreat and it's been happening for years. I took time to look at some of the videos and it makes the trip that much more real.

I have a good chunk of the money saved for the retreat but I must stay on my toes and add money each week as possible to make this trip happen for sure. I can't believe it's only about 7 weeks away from happening. You can check out the blog by birthmom buds here.

retreat

My retreat for the birthmom's bud's retreat is about 3 months away. We have most of the arrangements done.. All I need to do is to save a little money here and there so we are not worrying about every little dollar. But I do have a big chucnk of it saved.

I was talking to a great friend about the retreat and she was shocked that I was going so far. She asked the million dollar question. Since I am going to be in North Carolina and that is where Izzy lives.. Will I see her? Izzy does live 4 hours away from where the retreat is being held. If she is too busy to connect to meet up when she is a 20 minute drive.. isn't she going to be too busy to connect when she may need to do a bit of driving?

That is such a hard question. I wouldn't be a birthmom if it wasn't for giving birth to Izzy and placing her for adoption but I don't want the main focus about my trip to consume myself with will I see Izzy or not? Will Izzy reject my inviation to meet? I want the whole focus to be about meeting other birthmom's and maybe forming friendships thru our simliar stories.. I also want the focus to be spending time with my husband during the ride there and the ride home. I don't want to come home all shook up and depressed because she couldn't or wouldn't meet up with me.. Now.. I know the event itself could be triggering and I may come home all shook up and depressed but why add fuel to the fire.

It's not that I don't want to see Izzy. I would love to see her while we are there. I don't want to face the rejection or feel the rejection on this weekend.

Izzy was doing a bit of traveling in North Carolina last weekend and I did mention how we will be coming there for a retreat so maybe I will just let it play out.