Scrapbook

Tonight, I looked at my scrapbook twice and looked through photos and got some devolped from my exciting work week. I asked my husband to get paper clips so I could put some of my pictures with my scrapbook sticker type thing. I am going to try to set aside ten bucks a week for the next month to buy scrapbook material or photos and see if I can get going on Izzy's book again.

I bought a lot of my 8 by 11 pages in bulk but I am bored with them. Hopefully, this will kick start my desire to work in the scrapbook again and get it closer to being finished.

What was going on one year ago?

My son was finishing 5th grade and his school was closing down. I took the finishing of grade school really hard and cried lots. I hugged my husband cause I was sad and then my son hugges us and we made it in the newspaper. The reporter assumed I was sad due to the school was closing and we were listed as my sons Mom and Dad. Boy did that make Dad mad that another man was listed as Dad. If I knew what kind of school year middle school would have brought I probably would have cried all summer long. :) lol

In the beginning, of June, I was blogging about the retreat offer for Mom's of special needs children and I wrote how I was nervous about going. I went and had a good time and already been sent the invite and excited to go again.

I blogged about the neighbor that has been too interested in my son. Nothings changed. I still think she is weird. lol

I learned that my state moved to give access to adoptees to get their OBC as long as the birthparents are not refusing it.

In June, I blogged about my Dad inviting Izzy to a family bbq and how nervous I was about the invite and even happy that she couldn't go. Looking back, I now know it was a really bad idea and know I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Izzy did join our house for a graduation party at our house. It's a mircle what difference a year can make. Not that it didn't stop the drama. Nothing is easy about adoption loss and reunion.


In June of last year, I wrote Izzy's birthfather a letter on this blog. I am not anywhere closer to finding his last name or knowing anything about his whereabouts or anyone that remembers much about him. It's almost as if he was just in my imagination. Almost like the Titanic, right? He lives only in my memories and of course my daughter.

My little sister made me a colloge of quite a few of the photots from my meetings with Izzy. I love that she did stuff like that and Izzy can proudly hang on our wall.


In June, I was starting my 6th ten week session with MELD. I can tell from my writings that things were going badly quite a while before I just frustated enough to really speak up. Honestly, I miss volunteering but also feel relief at not having the every week commitment to MELD. I been thinking of taking the donate button of my blog but I don't have the heart to do it even though I am not trying to get donations for MELD. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't support them if I had donations or the means. It's just not the key focus anymore to run around collecting funds or buying baby clothes.

In June, I blogged about feeling like I had to beg to see my oldest son. He lives with me now and it still sometimes feels like I don't see him enough.

In June, I read Ann of Green Cables and loved the book.

In June, we were doing our summer fun stuff like trolley rides and we celebrated four years of owning our own home. I totally missed the anniversary this year. It was a couple days ago.

In June, of last year, I blogged about disliking my ex's new girlfriend. They are now married and even though sometimes she drives me crazy... I think for the most part that she has been pretty nice and has made things easier at times.

In June of last year, I blogged about an unsolved mystery case of a kidnapped baby. I still depress myself by watching scary stuff. I watched three hours of America's most wanted and was pretty scared afterwards.

Lastly, I didn't really blog about her in the month of June, but we were enjoying having our grand daughter around our house while her parents worked. We still watch her and she is tons of fun and I think having a little girl around has been very good for me.

Hope, I didn't bore anyone. I stole this idea from another blogger.

Fireworks canceled

Our city has cancled the fireworks for our city due to the fact that we are experiencing a drought. It stinks and I hope fools don't run up to our neighbor state and buy their own and cause fires around town.

Child support wrongly spent

I seen a dear Ann letter written from the point of a veiw of a stepmom who had to deal with her husband paying child support for two daughters that each had a different mother.

She was complaining that the children's Mother spend the child support wrong and it rarely gets spend on the children. One, I don't get is how does she know what gets spent on the children. There could be plenty of things that she doesn't see. Two, I know there are two sides to each story but the fact that she thinks both Mom's are spending wrongly I wonder if there is more to the story.

She did go on to say that the children often are needing clothes, hair cuts and school related things. I don't recall everything. She made it sound like her husband buys the things the kids need so it felt like they were paying double for children.

I don't know the situation with this family about how much he was ordered to pay and what he earns and what the new wife ears. OF course, her income doesn't come into play for child support.

Just because children are still needing things doesn't mean child support isn't being spent correctly. I am assuming if the Mother's are getting child support that the children live with them and they are putting a roof over their heads and feeding them all the days that they are home.

I believe I have figured out that my children's father pays 3.00 a day to each of my children for support. I can't feed even one of my children for 3 a day and while I know that it's what the judge seems fit that sometimes money might be tight. It could mean that the child has to wait a week or two for that haircut or has to get his clothes for the spring and summer one outfit at a time.

Do I believe that fathers that are paying child support should try to provide a little more. Wouldn't it be nice if Dad said "let me pay for one week of camp" Or "I got this haircut" Or "yes, we can give him a ride home" Or " I want the children an extra day or two"

Do I believe that any of that is worth sueing him for above and beyond the normal support. No. It's just not worth the fighting.

My husband casusally mentioned that when he got his last check that he didn't get any money at all after paying "my child support" This could mean that he will now be offially behind because who knows if he paid the full amount in. I know in the situation like this he wouldn't have done that on his own. Honestly, I don't know if I would have sent every penny that I have if the situation was the other way around.

Sorry, I jumped around quite a bit. I did the like the advice of the columist to record what he spends and talk to his lawyer and go from there.

Scrapbook

I really need to get to working on Izzy's scrapbook. I just can't get into the mood and am not ready to call it done. If she was here today and asking for it.. I wouldn't want to give it to her. I want to do more but just can't bring myself to actually do it. I have ideas of what I want to put down in the book. I want to make some pages about our reunion especially our first meeting. I guess I am thinking that words that I can write on a 8 by 11 page just isn't going to do it justice.

I am also a little bored with what I am creating and am fresh out of ideas to make it stand out. I think part of my stalling is that I have to spend the time going through pictures and probably should go thru the scrapbook to make sure that I didn't already do that. I have to make sure that I don't use original pictures in the book that I am not going to be happy about not knowing.

I have yet to get any pictures of my Grandmother and I haven't gotten anywhere with the two family members that claim they own pictures of her. I really wanted to make her part of my book. I don't know why I feel drawn to my Dad's Mom and not my Mom's Mom. Maybe, it's cause I had a relationship with my Grandfather on my Dad's side and not the one of my Mom's side. Mom's Dad isn't in the scrapbook. When I was given the chance to go through pictures that my Mom owned there wasn't any of him. I probably would have put him in there because he is part of the family story too. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't have relationships. He suffered due to drinking and a poor attempt to take his own life in jail. He didn't die but he damaged himself pretty good and as long as I can remember he couldn't remember people or carry much of a conversation.

I think part of the reason I am not getting anywhere with the scrapbook that it's pretty rare for me to be home alone. I don't really like an audience and just want to get into creating it. Actually, I am home alone now for a few but it's still not going on.

I have tossed around the idea of trying to work on it time to time at the Y. Maybe, after an workout or before. The Y has a lounge where their are tables and if I had an idea of what I want to put together I could make create something there or try to do some of my writings for the really personal stuff.

I want to document pictures of some of the gifts that I have got her and how much I enjoy shopping for her but I am afraid if I really write what it means to me that I would be saying how bad I felt when her parents wouldn't let me send her gifts. I will never forget asking if I could buy her a gift for her first Christmas and being told "no, it's not a good idea" I have to wonder why wouldn't it been a good idea? Were they afraid the 3 month old baby would like my gifts better? I really don't want write things that would make them look bad.

I hope I can find ways around getting my feelings down without putting them down. I really hope that I can feel creative again and want to work on the scrapbook.

I had with notice asked for tonight off from work. I really only get one day off a week where I don't have anywhere that I must go. I am off on Sunday's and Mondays and on Sunday's I work for this church babysitting the children. I like it but when I add the Y to the day I don't spend a whole lot of the day with my family. Every other weekend, they are not even home to spend time with. (my kids)
We went to the neighborhood pool and we swam for about four hours. They are open for six hours and if it been slightly warmer without the wind I would have wanted to stay longer. We packed our lunch boxes with soda and water and snacks and had a really good time.

We came home and my husband and kids made a fire in our fire pit and we sat outside around the fire, with our dogs, and cooked cheeseburgers. They were so yummy. It was such a nice time to just focus on family and not work or my workout at the YMCA.

Off the subject of my day. I been doing quite a bit of reading adoption related stuff on my kindle. I just read the most horrible story so far from an adoptees point of veiw.

It's called Adopted not special not chosen by Calum. He writes about being unwanted and unloved by his birthmother and how he felt like his life was a lie when he found out that he was adopted at 9 years of age but I wonder if the hurt and anger would be as severe if he grew up with an adoptive Mother that actually loved him.

She was abusive and plain nuts and beat him to get the "bad blood" out of him. This book was only .99 cents. I am pretty cheap and trying to pick the least expensive books to read.

Life has been giving us ups and downs and I suppose that's just life. Stephen has been having less of those crazy fits and I am not sure if it's because I have tried to spend more time with him, or that school is out or that he has been having a blast at the neighborhood camp.

I have a pretty hectic work at week next week so I took this Saturday off in advance to enjoy some family time. We qualify to get a discounted packet of summer time fun for my kids. It helped us last year have tons of fun. The coupons which we paid for pay for the children and we pay for ourselves and it was encouragement to use them up so we did quite a bit with a limited amount of money. At the time, I was working less so hoping we can still squeeze in the fun times.

Alex still is working and doesn't have much going for him and since my husband isn't working (besides being home for my two sons and babysitting our grand daughter) he is driving him crazy. My husband wakes up at 6 am and when the baby sleeps he likes to try to nap but this is the time that Alex is up and moving around and no amount of talking to him as worked so far for him to be quiet during this time.

Honestly, I am tired of the bitching. I hear how he doesn't want the kids hanging out with him too much. That he isn't their friend and the only person he really wants to hang out with is me. I would like to talk to my son about all these issues but how in the hell do you tell the kid to stay away from the adult.

I been wondering how to do our summer fun. I don't know if I should include Alex in our summer plans. Summer time for me is celebration and relaxation from the hard school year. He has been done with school since March and now wondering how do I handle my days where I was used to having just Stephen. It's not that I don't want to hang with Alex I just also wonder how much is Alex going to want to hang with us and on my time. My idea of the pool is being there for the full hours that they are open. Basically, get the most bang for my buck. I wouldn't want to feel like Alex is hanging with us just because we are going out for "fun" stuff but when we ask him to come to a park with us he threw a fit. A family isn't always going to do what everyone see's as fun times but that doesn't mean fun time can't happen if he would just give it half the chance.

I am very frustated that Alex doesn't have a job yet. I would settle for a two day a week job. I might even settle for a volunteer job. He just needs to do something to keep himself busy. I think half of him driving my husband nuts is that he walks around here holding his kindle like he lost his puppy? Joking but walking around and with nothing to do.

I have thought about "employing" him to take Stephen to the Y once a week but honestly Stephen would rather be at the camp and this is his last year being able to go to the neighborhood camp which is low cost or free. The field trips cost and the cookout costs so that's why I say low cost but you don't have to send your kids on those days if you don't want to pay. My husband just informed me that he learned how to skate on the field trip!!! I haven't talk to my son this morning cause it was my long day. My boy has been exposed to skating quite a few times each year but never would skate off the carpet and mostly played the games.

I think the hard part of making everything work for my family is that my sons' have had very different upbringings. Alex was incluenced more by my ex while we were married and while he lived with him for the three years. Stephen probably doesn't have memories of living with Dad and has grown up with my husband and myself. Stephen has been more involved in the park district programs than Alex did because we found out about the camps at the age where Alex was soon to be too old.

One thing that I never knew about was getting discounts through the Park district and Stephen was able to go to an overnight camp for 5 days last year and this year I splurged for two weeks (not together)