Wednesday, January 13, 2010
question to my adoptive parents readers
Hey adoptive parents, I have a question for you. I will tell you what I think, but you go first. How do you feel when your children's birthparents refer to your child as their son or daughter? This could be they are saying it directly to you or just in general. How do you feel and why do you feel that way?
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8 comments:
I would be just fine if our daughter's firstmom called her her daughter. Because she is her daughter.
What else is she going to say, 'Oh you know that precious little girl I gave birth to'?
But I know a lot of adoptive parents will disagree with me and that's okay with me.
"K" refers to Samuel as her son....which he is and when he gets older we will explain what that all means.
I agree with Debbie...I have recently had new contact with my son's birthparents. I love talking to them and getting and sharing pictures. I sent them a picture of him gobbling down chocolate cake one night with a not that mentioned something like, "This son we share has a major SWEET tooth!" :) Now, if I have to be completely honest, I would say that THEY have never referred to him as their son - and my daughter's parents sadly have no contact with us. So, I would like to think I am fine with it, but it hasn't happened. It might seem a little different, and make me feel strange. Let's face it. NOTHING about adoption is easy for either side.
I guess my response is... what else would they refer to them as? R IS J and C's daughter even though they aren't parenting her.
I think there are ways that it could be used that may start to cross the line, but for the most part I would almost expect it.
I have no problem with C referring to Baby Mac as her daughter. She is her daughter. She is also my daughter and Baby Mac has been blessed with two mothers. One who chose life for her and one who nurtures her. Each of us have different things to offer our daughter, but in no way is she more mine than she is C's. And that is one of the things that I love most about our very open adoption.
i remember when we were coming up with names for the boys. our birthdad said "i have a name i really like but i want to save it for my kids". i remember feeling so sad when he said that. i remember thinking "but THESE are you kids!!" they have never refered to the boys as their sons to me, but i would NEVER have a problem with it.
I don't have a problem with it and in fact do refer to him as her son in a certain context. As others have said, "What else would she call him?"
One time I asked her how many kids she has (I was confused about something) and she said "4", when, in fact, she has given birth to 5 kids. I wondered which one she left out. My son? Or another child she is not parenting? The who was adopted from foster care? I wondered what my son would think if he heard that (Thankfully he's too young now to understand). I would think it would have hurt him though because it hurt me to wonder if she meant him. From his perspective, I would think he would want his first mom to call him her son. She is not parenting him but she didn't disown his entire existence.
I admit, I have been uncomfortable when some have suggested that he be called "our son", as in mine and his first mom's son. I'm not sure why that makes me uncomfortable, since I am fine with her calling him "her son". It just feels like we are married and co-parenting him or something. I don't know why that makes a difference but for me is does. Maybe that will change as time goes on? I don't know. Feelings aren't always logical, I guess.
My daughter's first grandma refers to our daughter as her granddaughter... we have NO problem with that. We call R Kinsey's "first grandma R". We don't have as much contact with Kinsey's first mom (that is what we call her) and I haven't heard whether C calls Kinsey her daughter or not. But we don't hve a problem with it.
In the picture book I made for Kinsey about her adoption I call C her first momma and R her first grandma... it says she has two mommas but at (almst) three she doesn't get it yet.... but someday she will.
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