As a Mom, when my babies were newborns, if they didn't wake me up for that 3am feeding and I woke up at 4 am. I would fear they were dead. I would panic and check to see if they were breathing. Sometimes, I would even move the babies arm to see if he was alive. Then, he would cry. I always felt dumb after the fact. But it never stopped me from doing it again.
As a Mom, when my son's were crying and I couldn't tell why. I would have fears that something bad is wrong.
As a Mom, when my son fell, while trying to walk to his potty chair and hit his head. I was scared. I panic.
As a Mom, when both of my son's went through the stages of ear infections. I was scared. When both at different times, had tubes put in, I fear something terrible would happen. I wasn't at ease until my kids were out of surgery and in my arms.
As a Mom, when my kids are being rough. Boys are boys right. Ya know the wrestling and jumping and climbing trees. I have this fear.
As a Mom, when my kids learned how to ride a bike. Fear.
As a Mom, as my son's learn how to swim. Fear.
As a Mom, when my oldest son dives and does all that scary stuff in the pool. FEAR!
You make think geeze she is crazy! I am not. Children die. They die in pools. My son knows that. A very good friend of his died in the same pool we swam in for three summers. Kids get hit by cars. Kids get kid napped. So yes, I do have fear, but I let them live their life and sometimes I have to close my eyes.

I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do that Laurie left.
I really don't know what the percentage of birthmom's feel the intense lingering grief that I do. My only experience for the most part with birthmom's is blogs. I have seen some that are bitter and angry and some like me where I think I am in the middle and then those are the ones who are shouting adoption is so wonderful. I want to know what they are drinking, because I want some.
I do think that a lot of my grief comes from that I do feel like my daughter was stolen from me. I didn't get the support from my family. It was her way or the highway. Also, the highway meant that she would be without a babysitter. I didn't have a lawyer to represent my rights of any kind. I think they judge asked if I understood what I was signing, but what 15 year old is going to speak up to a judge.
If I try to answer what causes the most grief I am not sure I can do it. It's gonna be a toss up between the loss of Motherhood to Izzy and the lies that her parents told me as a young child just to get a baby. I will even say just for the record, maybe I heard what I wanted to hear. I don't know. I have felt a lot of grief over the issue that they can't seem to trust me.
I think the scariest part is that fear I was talking about. I am not talking about that I fear that they had her in the closet and only feeding her bread and water. Or the fear that they beat her. It's the everyday stuff. I had fears that she would be sick or hurt and their were no ways to calm my fears. I couldn't just touch an arm and see that she was still breathing. I couldn't close my eyes as she climbed a tree and open them after she is down. I couldn't hold my breath while she jumped in the pool. I had no way to get my reassurance that she was ok. Just because I wasn't her Mom didn't mean that I didn't have the same feelings of fear.
So, I have lived in a lot of regret, fear and resentment. I have missed my daughter terribly. I am sure her parents did a good job of raising her. But I wanted to do it. Not because I was better or worse or anything. She was my daughter to raise. But I can't change the past. I can only go with the future. Also, if any of my family, from my side, is still reading this. I heard this maybe true. Then, I want you to know that I don't write to hurt you or make you feel bad. This is my story, as I remember it and it's my right to talk.