Christmas gift for Izzy

I tried to come in the middle as far as Izzy's Christmas gift.. meaning I sent something even though I couldn't quite afford to do much and kept it simple.

I started with a Christmas stocking full of a couple Christmas related gifts that I got as a Christmas gift during my holiday party. It's not that I didn't like it. I loved the idea of a stocking full of gifts.

So I went to 5 and under and picked up a couple small things to add. I also included a freezer bag full of Christmas cookies. I had thought about a gift card but that was going to be more than I could afford when I added shipping.

I regretly got busy and stalled at mailing it off. I mailed it off on Monday and the gift got there today because it came with tracking. I know it's only been a few hours since she got the gift but my mind is already wondering how come I haven't heard from her.

Just today she posted about a favorite Christmas gift that her husband gave her and thanks someone else for a package of wax for candle making.. so it's not that she hasn't been online.

I am hoping that I am over reacting and she mentions it soon. I did hear from her when I sent a card for Thanksgiving but didn't when I sent just a card for her birthday.

So if I don't hear from her... do I ask if she got it?? Say after a couple days?

Or leave it be?

Do I accept that this is the kind of relationship we have and understand that if I send gifts I may not hear from her? Is that unconditional love or accepting that she is walking on me. I am torn. I give gifts to her cause I love her and enjoy hopefully making her happy.. but if I don't hear from her then I have no idea of the gifts make her happy or not.

I don't have a lot of money and have toned my gift giving with her. It's not that I don't love her but I have two boys that I love too. I don't want to short change their needs or wants to send things to her.. I hope that doesn't sound crude.

Do I stick to cards and apply the money I would spend on my sons? I am torn. I am hoping by tomorrow that I will have heard from her.

My ponderings about baby

I am still really trying to wrap my head around the fact that my son is going to be a father soon. It's not new to me to be a Grandmother but I do perfer to be called Nana so I don't think that is what is hard about getting used to the idea of a new baby in my family.

For starters I want a girl! Can I make a request? It would be so so cool to see a grand daughter that may or may not look like me! I don't suppose I have much of a say in if it's a boy or a girl.

My son is 20 years old. He is 5 years older than I was when I had my first child and two years older than me when I had him. So he is young but not as young as I was when I was faced with unplanned pregnancies. I got the impression that his girlfriend wanted this baby but didn't get the impression that his is something he wanted but it's done and did now.

A baby is a big game changer and I wonder if my son is mature enough to make that adjustment in his life. My son and his girlfriend are managers at McDonald's but it doesn't seem like McDonald's pays low level shift managers much money. My son is living with a friend's parents and his girlfriend lives with her father. She doesn't have a Mom in the picture cause I guess she left her when she was young. My son's girlfriend is only 17 years of age. I only have seen her once. She went with us to Izzy's wedding reception. She was 17 then and so I imagine she is close to being 18. I am a little concerned over the age thing cause I looked it up and it does look like the age of concent is 18 years of age.

I have heard stories of a couple year difference still get someone labled as a sex offender as if they had molestered a young child. That would be so life ruining if my son was put on a offenders list for being with this girl.

I don't really know my son's and his girlfriend's future plans together. He was telling me about how he will be renting his own place soon. He had the option of a one bedroom on his own or a two bedroom with a manager at McDonald's. I don't know if he was unsure how to tell us that they were going to live together ect.

I been wondering how my son and his girlfriend will afford everything a baby needs and worry that they won't have enough money. I have even wondered who will watch the baby while they go to work? She is about 11 weeks along so I know it's a while before they have to worry about that stuff.. but time flies.

My son and his girlfriend live about 40 minutes away from me. It's not in the same town. So it won't be really easy to ask me to help out with babysitting if it worked out with my job. I have anziety over traveling and had to buy a GPS just so I just could get to see him.. but I can't drive home in the dark. I have had a couple bad experiences with trying to get home in the daek.

I have tossed around the idea of throwing her a baby shower but I would imagine she has someone closer to her that would do that.

I have been really tight lipped on this on facebook. My son hasn't even announced it on facebook so not sure if this is something he is still trying to wrap his mind around. However, he doesn't seem to use facebook much.. but I did find out a while back he had made a second fb account but I have since lost the page.

I don't know if myself not sharing is for his privacy or just not ready to admit that my son is expecting a child before he is married and even has a place of this own.. Maybe it's some of my own self doubt coming into play. It's not like I had my own place or lots of money when I had my son.

I hope to get to know his girlfriend better since she most likely will be having my grand child.

I know I need to ask some serious questions to my son and figure out what their plans are so I know when and how I can help if needed and if possible.

Pregnancy confirmed

My son has confirmed that his girlfriend is pregnant! My husband asked him in private and then my son told me the news. I acted surprised! I will be honest with you all that I have mixed feelings about it and it also doesn't really feel real to me yet. I will write more on this subject later.

Foster parenting challenges

I babysit on Sundays at a church. I have been doing it for a few years. I enjoy it and the population seems to be growing with children coming into the nursery.

There is this couple that had shared the desire to be foster parents with the church and did what was needed to be approved.

There wish was a child for Christmas.

A little girl of 20 months was placed in their care. I am not sure if what I witnessed and experienced is normal for a foster child.

What I understand this child is in her second foster home and it pretty new to the system. I believe she was with this other family for a few months or so.

So basically this little girl has been with the couple I mentioned for less than a week.. This is what happened.

The Foster Mom and little girl come into the nursery and the little girl seems unsure a little bit but likes that she see's toys.

The Mom goes on to tell her that while people like to hold her that they were coming into the nursery so they could spend time together and the Mom reminded the child that "you are my little girl not their little girl." I felt like she talked to her on a level that an average 2 year old wouldn't get.

So the Mom wants the little girl to come to her and she isn't coming but is laying on the floor crying. I spoke calmly to the girl but I didn't reach out to touch her or pick her up since the Mom was in the room.

All of the sudden the little girl gets up. She walks right to me and climbs up in my lap. She straddled me backwards to get a good cuddle. It was sweet but I was a little shocked.

The Mom told the little girl again who's baby she was and she wasn't my baby but it was okay to be with me cause I get paid to look after children.

The Mom stayed in the room with the girl for the majority of the service. She was unsure if she could leave her with me plus she wants to bond with her.

It gave me a little chance to talk to the Mom cause honestly I don't get around much talking to other people unless they bring children to me.

I don't know if the child's behavoir was normal or not. I noticed when a couple other people would talk to her the girl would respond but for the most part she would ignore the Foster Mom. Towards the end of the service, the Mom wanted to go into the service and bribed the child to come to her for food and off they went.

I personally thought that the Foster Mom was trying to hard.. and she isn't bringing things down to her level. She has never been a parent so I know this is all new to her.

I wonder if the girl came to me cause I have the confidence in my abilty to take care of kids.. Anyone have any insight on this whole situation?

On another note, a couple that has 3 children announced that they were expecting their 4th child. This is exciting! It's not a big church so it's not unusal to only have one child or sometimes none at all if the family I just mentioned don't come to church. There third child I have been taking care of since he was a newborn and we are very much bonded. I don't share him well with my volunteer!! LOL

My son still hasn't told us about the baby. My husband wants to confront him to get him to talk about it. I am wondering if the right thing to do is say something or let him tell us on his time.. but it is on a social network site. He doesn't know we would have acess to that.. but what he should know is that people talk. My husband thinks we need to bring it up so we can give emotional advice and also be a part of the excitment of a new baby. Me.. I am not sure. I don't think it has hit me yet.

What would you do?

baby!

I have known for about 3 weeks now that my oldest son's girlfriend is expecting a baby but the kicker is that my son hasn't told us yet. We were tipped off by a facebook posting she did and my husband's son told my husband. I don't think it's really hit me yet even though I have seen the postive test online.

I suppose this is payback for hiding my first pregnancy from my parents. I figure he will tell me when they are ready and hopefully that won't be when the first labor pains hit.

She is younger than him but both do work for Mcdonald's as managers but that doesn't say a lot of them when it comes to what McDonald's pays.

I have only told two friends and now all of you. I can't tell me my family cause they all talk too much.

My husband said I am going to be a real Grandma now. I sort of thought I was a real Nana to my step daughter's girl but I do get what he means.

My second Mom

Today, I had pleasure of talking to a woman that I think of as a second Mom. She is really special to me. So special that I brought Izzy to meet her a couple years ago. When we were talking to today she referred to me as Izzy's Mom and it's so nice to have that one person who doesn't seem to question my status with her.. including myself. I hope to see my friend so and that they printed the pictures from when I brought Izzy to see her. That's all I really have to say. Sorry I been kind of quiet. I want to blog but I have sort of ran out of topics after so many years of blogging.

Anyone have any questions or topics you wish I would write about?

I hope everyone had a great Thankgiving! I had to work so my Thanksgiving dinner was an eat and run type of thing and then I had to be at work while my client's family had dinner.. Very odd!! I hope to be off on Christmas to avoid a repeat of that.

I did send Izzy a Thankgiving card and heard from how when she got it. There has been a bit more communication betweeen the two of us the last week or so. I sort of kept my weight loss posts and working out posts down a bit. I am part of a group for maintaining our weight and have been using that as more of a outlet.. I have wondered if I am rubbing her the wrong way. We all have that friend that drives us a little crazy right?

I am not sure what I will do for Izzy for Christmas. I probably will keep it low key due to the distance but might pop my head in and get prices on the boxes to see how much it cost to ship just in case I do find something I want to get her.. my other idea would be a card with a gift card. Also have the cookbook idea but not sure about that.

I will just have to decide sooner or later. I know I don't want to be super late with it like last year.

Exciting news!!

I came to blogging about adoption loss to share my story but also I love hearing other stories about adoption loss. I spent the majortity of my years in the birthmom closet and to some extent I am still in the closet. I don't share my story with many people. It's easier to sometimes just skirt around the number of kids that I have.. "My husband and I have five kids together? or I might say I have 2 kids! I know that is a lie but in the grand sceme of things I am not Izzy's Mom so therefor she really isn't my kid. Did I just write that? I don't mean that she wasn't born to me ect..or I don't care and love her but it's different.

I can't get into stories about her upbringing ect so when it comes to me being a Mom.. the only kids I can say I have raised is my two sons.

One of the blogs that I follow but don't comment on is the birthmombuds page. I feel it's possible it's too popular and if I comment Izzy could find her way to this blog.

But I am some exciting news!! Birthmombuds does a retreat and it's quite far from my house.

I told my husband I would like to go and he said go then.. He mentioned me flying out. I said "no way" "I could never fly especially on my own"

My husband then offered if I rented a car he would drive me there!! So when more information comes out and I explore the details about the retreat and figure out how much this trip will cost me.. It's very possible that we will take the trip and I can join the birthmother's retreat!!

I think I would love that!! It would be quite an adventure for us to drive it! Also, quite a challenge for us to arrange for care for our pets. Not to mention time off our jobs and the cost of the trip.. The great news is that a couple months before this trip we would most likely have our nice tax refund to fund it.

I brought Alex home so we could celebrate his 20th birthday! It was a nice day! I called off from my babysitting job so I could just give him some time one on one and we went to see a movie. I then had a bit of time alone to do my workout and just relax. We did dinner out and then came home and had cake.

It's been a long day. I have to drive Alex home soon.

Alex's birthday

Today is my oldest son's 20th birthday!! 20 years ago, my life changed for the good when I got to finally bring a baby home.. but it also was a reminder of what I mised with Izzy.

Just for the record.. I did text her.. I had two numbers and it appears I was texting an old number but that doesn't change the fact that all communication is mostly one way. But that's not what this post is going to be about.

It's about Alex and of course will be adoption and reunion related.

Truth is that I don't have tons of contact with Alex. He is horrible keeping a phone so sometimes it's hard to contact him. Plus, I admit, I think I have that little issue my Mom has and just forgets to pick up the phone.. mean to pick up the phone, want to pick up the phone but forget.. or don't know what is the best time to pick up the phone. but at the moment alex doesn't have a phone.

So unless he borrows a phone all our contact is facebook besides when we get together. He lives close to an hour away so it's not easy to go see him.. but every few months I would guess I go see him or bring him home.

I am bringing him home on Sunday to take him to a movie and dinner for his birthday so that should be fun.

The reason why I am writing this cause not too long ago my husband brought up that it's not much different between Izzy and Alex. "Alex doesn't always contact or text me" so yea that is true. but here is the difference. I know where I stand with Alex. I know that I am his Mom. I know he loves and cares about me. I can feel it. I know that while we may not talk often or get together real often but we will talk and get together.

When it comes to Izzy. I am not her Mom. I am her birthmother. We don't have shared history. There are 15 years apart in our ages. We have some in common but not tons. I don't know that Izzy loves me. I don't feel it. Sure. When she see's me she hugs me. I don't know if and when I will see Izzy. I don't want to beg for visits. I think I am done begging and while it sucks I think I can live thru it. I am worth so much more. I don't need to have someone in my life if it takes begging. I can't believe I even wrote that.

So that pretty much wraps up how on the outside Alex's and mine relationship maybe be simliar but very different.

update

I decided not to send flowers or a card on Izzy's and mine 4 year anniversery of meeting. I went agaisnt the flower idea because I couldn't afford it. I went agaisnt the card idea because since I thought of the idea late it would have never got there on time. I am thinking of sending her a card on Thanksgiving.

I did aknowlege it on facebook and got a "like" It's the most attention she has given me since the wedding reception besides telling me as they were heading out that they were just too busy to connect.

I noticed her fitbit hadn't synced up in a while and she and my sister had fallen off my friend list so I tagged them both asking what had happened. She wrote back that she didn't know why and would look into it.

Right now, I am giving her space online. I occasionally "like" something but not nearly as often and been keeping my comments down cause I don't know what is causing the silence but I just wonder if silence is what she wants right now.

It's hard not knowing or understanding what is going on with her. I have no choice but to try and be okay with the way things are right now.

My husband even suggested that she may just not want to be "my friend" that if we knew each other and were not Mother and daughter would we have enough in common with our age differences to be "friends"

I been staying pretty busy so it's easier not to dwell on this issue. I work full time. I babysit on Sunday mornings at church. Besides my recent sinus infection that took me down for about two weeks I spend a lot of time working on my health with fitness and meal planning.

I have created a group on facebook at the suggestion of a Y friend to make a challenge not to gain weight over the holidays so I am active in that. I am so close to goal! but I believe I have had a slip up enough to actually gain a couple pounds compared to my lowest.. I was less than half pound away but not am about a pound and half away from goal.

Friday is Alex's 20th birthday! It's hard to believe he is 20. I believe he is going to come home for a couple days so we will celebrate his birthday.

It's not easy but I know I need to focas on the children that I do have in my life and take Izzy with a grain of salt. I can accept when she sprinkes her presence in my life and dust the dirt off my knees when I am feeling ignored by her.

Halloween marks 4 years since Izzy and I met in person.

It just occured to me today that 4 years ago on Halloween I met Izzy!! The thought came to me to send her flowers and I may do that as a way to celebrate it.. However, if I am honest with myself.. I can't afford to spend the money. I am still recovering from taking out a loan to fix my breaks! I almost got an 800 dollar loan paid off!! Woot!!

So maybe I will send her an Halloween card and acknowlege our 4 year date of meeting even though our communication right now is slim to none.

I am trying to blog more on my private blog so jump over there from time to time.

Save a life of a dog

Izzy's friend posted a website for a dog that needs some medical attention. I thought I would share it on there too.. Go check it out here and donate as much as little as you can and spread it around facebook or blogging please.

An odd dream

A few nights ago, I had an odd dream. I had found Izzy's birthfather (Todd's) family on facebook. I say it's odd cause I never met them so I never gave them much thought. I know he was adopted but got the feeling they were not close. In my dream, it wasn't clear to me had I found his adopted family or birth family.

When it comes to his Adopted family them and Izzy are no where near related.. I mean I guess they are but it's so far removed that I wouldn't consider them much.

However, Izzy has a set of biological parents that gave Todd up for adoption and then Izzy was given up for adoption. That sure is a lot of broken up families just in those two. It's kind of sad. The dream made me wonder did Todd ever find his birth family? Or even if Todd or his birth family is still living?

I wonder what he is doing today? Does he think of Izzy? Does he think of me and if he does what does he feel when he thinks of me? Anger, resentment? warm fuzzy feelings from an young love? guilt? I feel like he is part of Izzy's story that is lost forever due to me not remembering his last name. It's not that I didn't once know it.. It's just that it was hard to pronouce and my memory is fuzzy from that time frame.

I don't really know what Izzy feels about the missing link.. I know once when I brought it up that I had seen someone that reminded me of him that if I ever ran into him.. she would want a picture but I don't recall if she would want contact.

It's almost impossible for Todd to find his lost daughter without coming to me first. I only say that cause he didn't know a name and I don't believe he knew a birthdate.. I imagine he would try to find me and that shouldn't be really hard. My last name was pretty easy to say, spell and my guess is that he would be able to find me thru some of my family that still carry that last name.

I guess only time will tell if we are meant to both see our daughter again.

Weekend getaway

I am going away on a retreat for Mom's with special needs tonight!! I am so excited! I wish there was a retreat for birthmom's close by to me! I think that would be an awesome thing to do. I have heard of one but it would involve planes and more money I have to spend and I don't travel well.

This is my 3rd or 4th year year going. I have lost track. I look forward to it each year at the end of the summer.

This year I suggested we do a clothing exchange and I have a huge box of clothes to bring. I hope others bring stuff too. It should be fun! I agreed to take everything to the goodwill that doesn't find a new home. but I believe one of the Mom's has a yard sale every year thru her church to help raise funds for her son's care so I might just save the leftovers for that.

Here is a most recent picture of my son! He will be staying an extra weekend with his Dad!

I plan on taking a little bit of a diet and logging break of my calories while I am gone but hopefully not by too much. They do the cooking and mostly serve us so the option to pig out isn't really a big option. They do tend to have little candies laying around but also fruit too.

I plan on getting a workout in before I leave and hopefully a little walk while I am there and then I will be home in time on Sunday to get my workout in. I am so close to my weight loss goal but the scale keeps teasing me.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Follow up post

I thought I would do a follow up post from the last one. It wasn't the "I wish" that got me upset.. I felt that comment was right on for how she probably feels about the situation. It was the "you assume we don't have car payments" that I thought was harsh.. I know it's bad to assume so I get that I was never given all the details. I know she bought her car from the newspaper.. what I assumed is that she paid cash.. So I am guessing she got a loan.. I just thought how she handled my mistake was kind of rude.

Thanks everyone for all the comments. It did help me feel better. Sometimes, I need a reminder that I am not the only one who is dealing with loss and reunion struggles. She has never spoke up sadness over adoption or reunion but that doesn't mean hurt and anger isn't there.. Or it all maybe fine with her but maybe she is happy with the little contact we have.

I haven't gone into a lot of detail about my loss or how hard reunion at times is for me. She has no idea that I blog about adoption or reunion. I really don't know how she would feel about it.

I do feel that Izzy has something eating away at her but don't know if it's adoption related or not.. or maybe I am looking too much into a situation.. I am trying to compose a post about her weight in my private blog but so far it's coming along very slowly. So there. I said it. I am concerned about her weight and wonder what is eating at her for her to eat so much? Or is it just as simple as too big of portions and not enough daily activity? and I am way off on her having some emotional trouble driving her to eat to get to the size that she is? I have a lot of unknowns about it.

I wonder if she has anger towards me cause I am hitting my weight loss goals and she has failed at her attempts to lose weight and keep it off? It's just a thought.. I will try to keep working on my post in my private blog cause to go further in this topic probably should be private.

I wanted to also add that I love Izzy no matter what her size or the amount of contact we have.. That doesn't mean I don't get hurt, feel sad or anger towards her or the situation.

The relationship between a birthmom and her birthdaughter is a tough one. I normally don't use term birthdaughter but it fits for this post.

We don't know each other like Mom and daughter. We don't have 23 years of memories as a Mom and daughter typically would have as if I had rasied her. We have been in contact for 5 years now. It's been 4 since we met each other face to face. I believe she moved away from home after about two years of face to face contact. So we only had a short while where we both were easily available to the other person.

It's hard to know what to talk to her about. I used to share things with her about my sons when things were tough but I don't feel that is right for her to hear about that stuff. I wouldn't want her passing judgement on things I said based on our bad days.. Either on them or thinking to herself thank God I escaped that horrible Mother.

I don't like talking to her too much about money struggles with her. I would feel like she might feel again thank god I got away from that.. I have no problem telling a close friend our struggles cause I have known her a long time and we have spent many hours over a good ten year period knowing quite a lot of stuff from each other. I don't fear my good friend judges me not does she have the same kind of thing going on where she could have been raised in my environment.

Relationship issues are kind of weird too! Maybe that is the closest ones to normal that I can think of right now. I really don't want to discuss my marriage problems or my husband's and mine's sex life about too little or too much. haha.. With my best friend nothing is off limits. Not that we sit around for hours discussing sex or marriage troubles but it's not off the table. I say this is simliar to normal for a Mother and daughter cause the topics I mentioned wouldn't be talked about with my children that I raised either.

Izzy and I had a lot in common when we both were trying to lose weight and being sucessful with it! We could really get a good conversation going about our good choices, calorie ccounting and workouts. I don't think it's quite a comfortable conversation for her anymore because she isn't losing weight and it's possible she has gained it.

Izzy is into extreme couponing but I haven't heard much about it online lately. I tried to talk to her about that to get tips but I just couldn't get into it nor could I understand how she got some amazing steals.

Izzy is really into crafts right now!! I am not sure where she got such a creative mind from. It's not that I am not interested in creating stuff but seems like I have moved past that stage in my life. She is actually trying to sell her items on a website. I checked out the website and it's pretty neat looking stuff.

Izzy is really into old items and going to flea markets and stuff like that! I am not sure if her parents on the same. My Mother is like this to a certain extent but my Mom also does this kind of hunting for old items to turn around and sell them. Izzy is also really creative with fixing up old stuff and making it look nice. I have done this sort of stuff once with an old dresser. I think sometimes money problems keeps my creative side down. When it comes to having kids to feed and cloth.. Mom doesn't get a lot of extra money to spend on herself. I wonder if Izzy parents are simliar and that is where she got it from. I believe her Mom rents a store that sells used odd's and ends. My aunt who knew Izzy's parents is simliar to my Mom so it's possible she got this collecting thing from her parents.

Thanks again for all the comments! It does help to remember she may have her own stuggles too.

Ouch! That hurt!

I admit that a lot of my communication these days with Izzy is just on facebook! I don't know her as much as I would like to. A big part of that is cause she lives far away and another part is I feel she doesn't give me enough time to visit when she does come home and I just don't have the income to travel and I hate traveling with a passion and don't know how to travel.

Well, anyways, today, I felt like she was rude to me and wonder if it is a hint of some anger issues with me.

Back story is that I remember that I believe both of the cars they drive were bought used off of people in the newspapers and even though we never discussed if they have payments or not I assumed she paid cash for her car.. Now his car.. I don't recall if it's the same car or not but again I never got the impression they had car payments..

You know what Assume stands for...

Ass
out
of
u
and
me

So basically she had posted on facebook about one or both cars always having a recall or a breakdown.. and again thinking that the cars were paid for I said something to the extent of being happy they are not paying car payments and fixing cars.. I only said that cause I know how that feels and again I thought they had bought the cars out right..

So she says "you assume we don't have car payments?"

I said, "I was sorry that I thought they had paid cash out right for the cars before they moved"

She replaied that "i wish"

AM I being extra senstive or what that rude of her to put it that way?

I might be sensative because while I love her I still just feel like she doesn't really care to know me.

Thinking of laying low and leaving her be for a while.

Private blog

I posted a couple pictures over on my private blog so for those that are following that you can go check them out. I know I haven't been blogging much on there at all. I hope to write soon about a topic that is close to my heart about Izzy. I just hope I don't come off as judgemental or not fully accepting her or loving her.. Cause all that would be very far from the truth. The address can be found here.

job change maybe?

I picked up a job application for my local YMCA today!! I been with my current job for 8 years.. I have two clients. One is 85 years of age and can he pretty high needs and it's almost a daily (evening) struggle. I work second shift for her. I have been with her for 4 years. It's her shift that mostly causes some issues for child care for my son. Even though he is 14 years of age we don't leave him alone. We have more bad days together than good.. Meaning I am not always sucessful with getting her to shower, stay productive and stay awake and most recently refusing medication because "I am out to make her go to sleep" We get pressured not to let her feed her dog cause he is fat. I get over half my hours from her. 20 hours per week.

My other client is 92 years of age and is in pretty good shape. I have been with her for over 2 years. We have mostly good days but there are times where it's stressful. We have more good days than bad and laugh quite a bit. I work during the day so during the school year this shift doesn't effect me being there for my son. I get less than half of hours from her.. (about 16 hours per week)

I babysit for a church on Sunday mornings and I love it. It's only about 2 hours and I get paid once a month for 100 bucks and I really enjoy going. It's on my day off so there have been times I been burned out from going but mostly when I go and there are not any kids showing up.

This gets me to the point of my post.. I know it's not adoption related but might help me to write about it.

I have a fitness buddy that works in the daycare where members can drop off thier children so they can workout. She says they are hiring and would put in a good word for me.

I was all set on applying and still plan on to fill out an application tomorrow but the idea makes me nervous.

My plan or wish is that I can pick up a shift or two once per week and drop one or two shifts from my clients.. I would rather it be the second shift client but I feel guilt over making this decision to follow thru.. this client still lives at home and my client's family really loves me.. what if me not being there three times a week seal the deal to put her in a home? I feel guilt because honestly I care more about the evening client due to the 4 years but she has changed so much that it's a challenge and I am stressed easily.

My pros for making this change are the following:

Discount with the YMCA.
I can bring my son with me to the YMCA.
I could work out before or after a shift.
The YMCA is closer.
I like babies and children and feel it would be less stressful to me.
Hoping that I can replace the evening shifts for day shifts.. less of a struggle for my son and rides for my husband for his job.

Cons maybe:

Might make less money per hour or don't get enough hours to replace the hours I give up.
Might regret not being there for my clients.
Unknown if I would enjoy being with children all day compared to a short 2 hour thing.
Afraid I might have to work more days per week to get my full time hours between all 3 jobs.
AFraid I may lose my weekend! Meaning two days off together.
Did I mention money? Big concern of losing money. I don't make a lot of money but can't afford to take a pay cut.
AFraid that this could actually cut into my workout time.. as in I been here all day.. I just want to go home!
Afraid my son might not like hanging at the ymca while I work if needed.

The YMCA has a policy for anyone to be hired they first have an open door group interview and they have a date next week. So my plan is to fill out the application and make sure I turn it in before the date and go to the group interview and go from there.

Update on me

I am doing much better since Izzy went home. I am not sitting wondering if I am going to see her or not. I just know I am not going to see her cause she is far away.. So while it's sad to admit but her being here but not giving me much is really hard on me. I never did hear anything about the birthday card I sent but I didn't really expect too. It's the first year I didn't do a gift. I couldn't afford it and if I could manage a few bucks it would have been easier to hand it to her than mail it.. Plus I find more enjoyment in gift giving in that way.

That Sunday that she went home.. I had a birthday party to go to for my friend's daughter's 15th birthday. It's a big birthday in the Mexican culture so it was a big deal. They kept it simple for the most part because they had already had the big celebration in Mexico. I had a major diet slip up that day. I ate way too much cake that I care to admit.

What I didn't realize until after the fact is that the day of the party was the 23rd anniversery of the day the TPR's was signed. So I wonder if over eating had anything to do with that even though I wasn't aware of that date.

Special needs adults and babies

My heart has been breaking for my once neice who had a baby and it's possible it's my brothers baby but we won't know right away. A test has been ordered. DCFS got involved and said Mom can't be alone with the baby and Mom needed to get on her medication and take classes.. The baby put into protective care with his grandmother (k's mom) I believe during the mandotory counseling K ran her mouth twice that just made keeping this baby with family tough..

First, she said how her Mom's husband raped her. So they pulled the baby out of their care and then grandma starts staying with her Mother so the baby can stay with her.

K then talks more about some serious child abuse that most likely happened cause Mom sent her off with a truck driver.. I am sure K was sexually abused by this man when she was young. It was looked into and enough cause to say K couldn't go with him but no charges were brought.

So in light of this information being brought up the baby has been removed from the whole family. Don't know what's going to happen.

K does have a mental condition and really does need family support as she learns how to be a parent but her parents are bad and most likely the person who would be doing most of the child raising is the baby's great grandmother who is in her mid 60's.. This grandmother can't get custody cause she is too old and I also don't believe she is a good fit to "help" K become a good Mom.. She was just do everything for the baby and will create another Mom like her daughter.

K was raised by her grandmother. I know my brother wants the baby if it is his child.. but the thing is my brother has MS and relys on a walker to get around and also doesn't have the set up for a baby. One of dcfs requirements is wanting the baby to have it's own room.. Is that really an requirement for a brand new baby?

K's mother is pissed at her for running her mouth.. I honestly believed this information would have came to light even if she didn't bring it up.

My sister did a little research and it appears that handicapped people especially with mental conditions often times lose their children. So sad.

I feel K needs like a foster home herself where her and her baby can stay with someone who will offer advice and help but let K learn to be a Mom in a safe enviroment. If only something like that exsisted to prevent this baby being seperated from his Mom.. At least give her a chance.

Right now the baby is in foster care. Both K and my brother have been appointed lawyers since neither of them have money for one.

I realy hope that this isn't my brother's child. It's going to be an uphill battle to get this baby either with his Mother or Father.

Izzy's birthday and some rambling on about poor me!

I kept it low key for Izzy's birthday this year. She was in town for two weeks and I just seen her for the reception. It didn't occur to me to give her a birthday card or gift on the reception day so as of right now she hasn't gotten anything from me. This is the first of it's kind. I am struggling with some money issues so a big reasoning is that I am just broke! But I have to be honest is saying that part of my reason is cause I feel ignored and just didn't feel like shopping for her when she gives so little.. I know this maybe immature but it's how I feel. It also goes to the money issue again.. Had she answered me and we sat and talked over sodas, coffees or a cheap lunch.. I might have been able to shop for her and hand her a small gift. It's the thought that counts right? But here is the thing. She didn't reply to my messages to see her to confirm any days that might be possible or write me and say she didn't have time or I just don't want to see you. So.. no way in hell I am shipping presents to her when she is here in town. The gift would been most likely less than the shipping.

I did on her birthday send a card to her house. It had special meaning to me and I wrote a little bit of a sappy note on how much she means to me and how I don't tell her "i love you" enough.. I didn't put in the truth that I don't say it much cause I sort of feel like she doesn't love me so saying "i love you" can be awkward.


On her birthday, I wrote her a happy birthday message on my dry erase board and she did comment on that last night as they were packing up to go. They are on the way home now. It basically said Thanks!! She loved it! And she was sorry she didn't have time to reply because this trip was jam packed. It makes my heart happy to finally get something back from her but that makes me feel like a dog begging for table scraps. It more so makes my heart sad cause really?? Your here for two weeks? After the reception another week? So busy that you can't even reply to a message or comment that your busy and don't have time? I am sorry but I just don't buy it. If one has time for facebook postings then one has time to reply a one or two sentense reply saying we are just too busy. Maybe, she was busy but if I was important to her she would have made time to see me or even attempt to write me. So I guess I just don't stand very high on what is important to her.

My husband thinks I am reading into what is not there? I suppose that's not any different for him to try to make little of my discomfort. I don't think I am reading into anything. I see the facts in front of me. The fact is she couldn't even bother to write back. I get that her family comes first. I wouldn't expect to come first but two weeks and one can't spare an hour or two to catch up?

I don't know where to go with this.. I know it's their trip and their money. I am broke always.. I never have money for that kind of trip plus I don't travel well. So it's within their right to choose how to spend their vacation. I don't want to only see her cause she pity's me. I honestly feel like she could take or leave me.. So part of me wants to not make contact for visits anymore. If she is in town and asks me.. fine then.. but I just feel like there are plenty of people who love me and I don't have to beg to see them. I am worth more than this.

people

I promised I would write more about the reception.. the part I didn't really go into much detail was the people. I mentioned there wasn't really any introductions done by Izzy.. This includes her parents. Let's start with her father.. we actually never said a word to each other.. There were a few warm smiles exhanged between us but no hello ect or any words spoken. I did observe Izzy and him playing a yard game and they seem to get along but I thought he made slightly of a rude comment.. see Izzy was farther away and he made a comment like "why you so far away" and she said cause "I have more muscles" I can't remember what he said but something like "huh muscles really? " See.. Izzy is overweight and appears to have gained back what she had lost when I was in my first year of weight loss. When I seen Izzy's Dad there wasn't any knee reaction like remembering the past.. My memory bank didn't remember "this man" in front of me nor did I remember his voice.. So in a lot of ways.. he was a stranger to me and there was no love.. no hate.. no oh my God I love you for what you did for my daughter.. or oh my god.. I hate you for not answering my letters... nothing was really felt.

Izzy's Mom... Again no formal into done by Izzy or did we introduce ourselves to each other.. Again.. no love.. no hate.. nothing. Same with her.. My mind and or memory bank doesn't remember "this woman" There was no oh my god thanks for raising Izzy.. There was no why didn't you write me back? There wasn't really any personal stuff brought up. However, Izzy's Mom and I did speak. There were a couple people with babies and one was 8 months old and she was holding the baby and I can't resist babies so we were up close and personal going gaga over the baby together. She told me how the baby was born really early.. There was some mention of don't "I want another one" but I can't remember if that was Izzy or her Mom.. I believe it was Izzy.. She even told her Mom that. There were warm smiles exchanged between us. There was no mention of my name as in who I was to Izzy and it was never brought up by either one of us.

When I was leaving a part of me wanted to say something like "nice to see you again to her" but I chickened out and just yelled a good bye everyone after I had personally don't Izzy and her new husband bye.. I think Izzy's Mom said the strangest thing.. "nice to meet you" Huh? Nice to meet you? We met September 11th 1991 and then again when the TPR were done and ran into each other once when Izzy was a baby!! Nice to meet ya??

Izzy's grandmother.. like I said no formal introdctions. I found myself chit chatting with an older lady for a few minutes about the weather and getting cold easy.. turns out I believe that was Izzy's grandmother.

Izzy's and husband's friend.. There was this girl that seemed excited to see me and she said she had been looking for me but I didn't look like my facebook picture.. she spoke like she new us and I even asked my son if he knew her and he said no. She was friendly but a little drunk. She is the only one besides one other breif situation that said who I was.. She said I had "izzy hair" and was amazed at how much we look alike.. This friend drove with Izzy and Kyle so she must be a pretty good frined.. At one point she was placing my kids in their birth order,,, Izzy, Alex and Stephen... notice she put Alex as a middle child.. He made it clear that he considers himself "the oldest" not the middle.

There was this one lady Izzy was talking to and it happened to be her teacher and happened to be Alex's teacher too.. so Alex got in the conversation and I believe it might have been this conversation where Izzy introduced him as her "birthbrother"

One more situation where we were point blank asked who are these guys.. We were doing pictures and this couple comes to the park and Izzy didn't introuduce us and was asked but then got distracted by a gift that was Christmas related.. she has a Chrismtas thing.. she is crazy about Christmas.

So I said I was her birthmom and all he heard was "mom" So I had to say birthmom again and then the lady says she was adopted and he said, "that's okay" I got a laugh out of that.. like we needed his appoval.

This prety much sums up my interactions with Izzy's family. I am glad I was invited.. I am happy that the offical first meeting since all these years is done. Only time will tell if I will see them again or if anything will ever come out of it.

Going to try to break the reception down into key points.. may just be a start to it.

Settings : This was just a really casual reception. The wedding was a week earlier and that was really small. They didn't even have their parents there. I wasn't upset about that but at the same time I was pretty down that day.. So this was really casual. It was held in a park. They had rented one of those shelters for the day. It was decorated a bit but nothing fancy. They didn't do a wedding cake but had a tower of cupcakes! They had chicken from walmart and other yummy food like potatoe salad, chips ect and hot dogs. It was more like a big family picnic that an traditional wedding reception. I really didn't take many pictures. I was just too busy taking everything in. The weather was perfect.

Who I brought: Myself, my two sons' and my oldest son asked if his new girlfriend could come. It was the first time I met her. I didn't realize that Alex hadn't seen Izzy for almost two years.

Introductions: There were not any formal introductions done. This includes Izzy's parents and other family members. There were quite a few people there and I mostly just kept to myself ( meaning not talking to people much that I didn't know) for a good portion of the time. Not to say that I didn't talk to people I didn't know but not tons of it. Will write more on the topic of the people. There were a couple introductions based on one person figuring out who I was and another one or two that just flat out asked.. will address that in another post.

The gift: Was a pretty basket that I made for Izzy and her new husband. It had some homemade bread, fruit, canister of nuts and chocolate, kisses and some body lotion and spray and even threw in a flower pot. Also, had a wedding card.

Alex carried it in and set it down. I don't recall her saying thanks or have I heard from her saying thanks for the gift. I feel a little hurt about that.

My time with Izzy: We were there for about 3 hours. We were not the first there. I had actually planned it out to be 15 minutes late so we wouldn't be the first person there. When we left a big part of the crowd had left but there were a few people coming in still at the moment. They were starting to clean up. I didn't attach myself to her hip. I would visit with her a bit but also just let her do her thing. During part of the time I even just observed her somewhat from a distance to watch her play a game with some family members.

When we were leaving I did suggest that we get together but its not looking like that is going to happen and it makes me sad. Tomorrow is her birthday and it's the first birthday in a while that is making me sad. I decided against buying her a gift.. mainly cause I am extremely broke part honestly part of it is that I am not happy with her and feel like I have better ways to spend my money. Hope this doesn't sound mean but I am sure as hell not going to pay to ship a gift when she can't even answer me to attempt to see each other before she goes home. I bought her a birthday card and will mail it to her house tomorrow morning unless I hear form her before that.. just not holding my breath on it.

Will finish writing at a later time about the people that were at the party.

I am having a hard time putting the reception and the meeting of Izzy's parents into words to blog about it.. I believe it's cause I am mixing up a couple events in my brain.. One is the Thursday is her birthday and it's looking like most likely I won't be getting another chance to visit with her before she goes home. My messages have gone unanswered.

Another issue is more private about her and not sure it's my place to write about it on a public blog so I probably won't but it has me very worried about her.

I been trying to deal with the whole event and soon to be event of her birthday by throwing myself into my workout routine and stay going strong on my weight loss goals. I can do my best not to over eat due to poor me.

I am also trying to tell myself that the event of me meeting her parents could be hard on her too.

P.S. I just bought her a birthday card. I splurged for one that sings "over the rainbow" and pops up.. maybe I will take a picture of it before I either give it to her or mail it. I will mail it on her birthday if I don't hear from her.

Shopping helped my mood a bit. I bought myself a couple sets of pj's that were on sale. Sometimes, shopping helps my sadness.. I needed them anyways.

Indifferent??

Is indifferent a word? If I had to use one word to describe how I felt when I seen Izzy's parents it would have to be indifferent or nothing. Will blog more on it soon.

Tomorrow is the big day! I came up with a quick idea for a gift that shouldn't set me back too much and seems like a better idea for now. I still might throw together the cookbook but only when I can do it in a way that I would be proud of it.

I am going to make them a gift basket of goodies... starting with some homemade bread.. probably bannna bread or zucinni bread and then pile a little fruit and snaacks for them. This is my best idea that I can do and afford. I hope they will like it.

I am pretty nervous about going to the recception. It's going to be so odd. I wonder what Izzy thinks about me being there? Inviting me and me showing up are two different things.. and I wonder what her parents are feeling about it? Do they know we are showing up? I wonder will they judge us or welcome us with open arms? Will they speak to me like they have to justify why Izzy was best with them or why they didn't keep the promises I believe were spoken or will they say they were sorry for how things happened?

Or will all the negative stuff be like a elephant in the room? Or will all the negative stuff float away as we celebrate the wedding of our daughter and her new husband?

3 days away

The reception is three days away. I just spent 700.00 on my car so truth is I probably won't bring a gift to the reception. It's a reception in a park so hoping that makes it less casual and not expected so much had they served a huge dinner. The reception is out of town a bit and if I didn't do these repairs I couldn't even drive there. I am not saying that my car could have not been fixed if I wasn't going but needing to travel made it even more so important.

This truely sucks. I could have done the cook book idea extremly cheap looking but I was holding out to do it in color and have it look as nice as mine does. Izzy and her new husband and a friend are traveling home now as we speak.

I have anziety about the whole thing so it's feeling even more real now that she is heading this way. I really hope to have nice conversation with her parents but fear bring grilled! I know my thought process is off.. I think it's the low self esteem popping up.. like I need to prove my worth. Ugh.

Reflection

I feel like the whole wedding and reception is making my anziety creep up. Last night, my heart was racing as I was trying to get to sleep.

Today, I just felt odd. I couldn't do my typical run at 8am due to the YMCA being closed. Normally, I drop off my husband and then run about 4 miles and go in the YMCA and shower. Then, I stop at the gas station and get something for me to eat. Lately, it's been a power bar..

Since I couldn't shower running at the normal time was not an option. I babysat at church and there was the little boy about 15 months old that I have been taken care of since he was about six weeks old. He is there most Sundays unless the family goes away on vacation.

There was also this blond curly head little girl that I had never seen before. She was upset about being there so I picked her up and had both kids in my lap. She was adorable but snotty face. ewww.

After church, I needed to go grocery shopping so my lunch was a power bar. After I got home and got groceries put away my uneasiness was creeping back up. I struggled with myself to either walk the dog or run or even just stay home and do nothing.

I noticed I was quick to put food (junk) in my mouth and was worried that this situation could get bad so I decided to go for a really long run.

I went to my path that I normally run on. I had decided on between a 7 or 8 mile run. It was really beautiful out.

Normally after I run I would head right into the YMCA and shower but since they were closed for the holiday weekend that wasn't an option and after I walked to slow my heart rate down I state on a bench and just stared out at the river and watching the boats.

This view made me appreciate that the Y was closed. It forced me to just sit and look and think. Okay.. took pictures too.

It took me back to the moment of her 18th birthday! I had sent a card to her address but also sent up balloons and a card. I believe it was the same card. You can recall that post or read it for the first time by going here.

I am pretty sure I sat in the same location! I remember the emotions of setting the ballons out. It was a way for me to honor her birthday and give myself a moment to dwell on her. It made me tear up a bit. I suppose when ones daughter gets married it could really throw one thru a loop but the whole adoption card throws a curve ball into it.

I believe I had contact with her within a month of her birthday and met a year after the first contact. It's been five years since first contact and almost 4 years since I met her face to face. I am happy with that I have with her but I do wish we were closer. I wish I could say I know her like her parents know her.

I don't know what to expect at the wedding reception. I suppose my family will be the oddball because we won't know many people. I been having conversations in my head and they haven't really been nice. I imagine her parents grilling me and putting me down... as in wanting me to admit adoption was the best or ignoring all my requests for contact was the best.

I suppose it could go the other way around and we will embrace and love each other because we all share a daughter.

Izzy gets married today!!!

Wow!! They will be officially married today!! How exciting!! I am still bouncing around how to make the cookbook come to life. See my sister did it in color and it has personality cause it is homemade but I am not sure if I do it myself if I can get color prints. But I can't afford to pay .50 per page for colored prints either. I am afraid if I put it together it will still lack the color.. and afraid that it will come up to be about the same cost or money.. what to do.. what to do..

The reality is I should be giving her the scrapbook but I just don't feel it's finished but at the same time lost the desire to work on it and I want a copy of it.. which will prove to be very costly.

Izzy's birthday is next week too!! And my brakes are bad on my car!! Arrggg!! Always something. Not sure what to give her for her birthday. She has made several attempts to lose weight and I been tossing the idea of a heart rate monitor for her but don't know how she would take that.. I got one for a gift. but my sister knew I was already thinking of something along that line.

Decisions. Decisions.

Major Milestone!!

Today, I have hit 100 pounds down!! I am in shock!! I am amazed!! I am so proud of myself for sticking with my goals and not giving up when the scale moved slowly or not at all!! I have managed to get thru our struggles with job changes and school routines. I have done it with the help of www.myfitnesspal.com This hasn't been easy thing to do. It's been about 2 and half years of hard work and calorie cutting.

Now for some pictures.

Top picture is from before I started trying to lose weight.

Second picture is October of last year so almost a year ago. The other two women are my sisters.

The above picture is pretty recent.. Probably mid July. It's from a baseball game we went to.

The picture above is my most recent just from a couple days ago!!

An idea

I have an idea that I am highly considering for my daughter and her fiance as a wedding gift. My oldest sister has made both myself and our younger sister a cookbook full of recipes. There are some of the recipes that I think of has family recipes because I remember my Mom cooking it. There is at least one or two that that I had actually cooked before even getting the book.

I am thinking of making them a cookbook. I basically will be coping the recipes. I have less than two weeks on my hands to do this. I can either do this how my sister did it by printing up everything and putting it all in a binder.. I believe mine is in color and I am not sure I can get colored prints doing it on my own.

Or I can take it somewhere and have them do it. My sister said they may even be able to bind it like a book.. So I think tomorrow I will get started on this project and make a couple phone calls and see what my options are for making them their very own cookbook with family recipes.

I got the approval for my time off to go to Izzy's and her soon to be new husband's wedding reception!! I am nervous! I never knew if the day would ever come when I would see her parents again. It's been almost 23 years! I don't know how they feel about me or feel about me being included to the list of those invited.

Comparison shot.

I was asked to do a before and after shot for my weight loss. As of right now this is probably my best picture to show off the difference. This picture was taken around my birthday so that is early June. Currently, I am down 97 pounds.

I started off in size 20 jeans and now can wear some size 8's and all size 10's.

Currently my workouts are running outdoors, walking outdoors, body combat once a week and body pump two to three times a week. I do a small amount of biking and swimming but main workouts right now is running and walking.

Will try to blog more often.. I have tons of pictures from this summer that I would love to blog about.

My last post I revealed that I am invited to Izzy's and her fiance's wedding reception! There is the issue of taking off from work or showing up at noon and leaving by 130 or 2pm at the latest.. Then the issue of an wedding gift.. I have no idea on what to get them. They have been living together quite some time now. There is also the issue of her birthday is coming up.

All the above is small stuff compared to the fact that I will come face to face with Izzy's parents soon!! I really don't know what to expect from my emotions. Will it be like seeing a long lost friend and everyone cries? or will it be a lot of jealousy and akwardness between us that we each secrettly wish we were anywhere else but standing in front of each other. Or will it be like this is my corner and this is their corner and we don't really speak to each other?

Wow!!

This is huge news!! I got in invitation to Izzy's and her fiance wedding reception. I am a little shocked! The person inside me who wants to protect myself had already tried processing that my family wouldn't get to go. Truth is that I am not sure if I would had blamed her. Not to say that my heart wouldn't be heavy knowing we were excluded for one reason or another. I haven't had time to process the whole idea of being the stranger around most of her friends and family.

Upcoming wedding

Izzy and her fiance will be getting married on August 30th of this year. They orginally were going to do a big wedding with a Christmas theme I believe in this barn that this lady rented out for a wedding venue. Due to some zoning problems the venue was closed down and Izzy and her fiance shut the door on a fancy wedding.

They plan to marry by themselves and someone her fiance knows is marrying them. I am not sure who the two witnesses are going to be or if that is still an requirement. I know her parents are not going to be there. They will be getting married in the town they currently live in so as far as I know no one is coming. It's just going to be short and sweet.

Izzy and her new husband will be here in September for a weddding reception that will be thrown to celebrate the start of their life as a married couple. I am so happy for them. They are high school sweethearts and go good together.

I really don't know to expect an invitation to the reception or not. If I recall from past conversations I would been invited to the wedding. I don't recall if I asked or what so who knows Izzy's true thoughts on that.

I know that this day will be about them. That is the main focus and I am afraid and do wonder if I was invited if it would take some off that focus off them and onto me. Who knows??

I really am not sure how I feel about the whole mixing of two famlies. I haven't yet been brought around Izzy's family so there is still that level of awkwardness that I am sure that would be there.. sure maybe a level of jealosy too on maybe both our hearts.

There has been a tiny bit of communcation between Izzy's Mom and myself on facebook. It's not much but I like to think of it as we are each testing the waters here and there with each other. Slowly my heart is becoming less angered about the past stuff with her parents.

Only time will tell where we go from now. It's also Izzy's birthday coming up and she seems interested off and on with diet and weight loss. I am thinking of buying her a heart rate moniter for her birthday but not sure if that would be rude. My sister bought me one from Christmas and I love mine.

Will update again when I know more but at the moment I don't plan on asking for an invite. I think I am trying to protect my heart on this one.

P.S. I am getting closer to my 100 pound weight loss goal.. help me get to 200 followers before I hit my goal.

my 8 mile trail run

I survived my 8 mile trail run!! I really wasn't prepared for the fact that it was a "trail run" I didn't take time to think about what that really meant to me.. All I thought about was getting my runs up to 8 miles the weeks that lead up to the run.

It was a major challenge with hills and the bumps and mud that comes with grass. A friend but I wouldn't say a close friend asked me did I want to do it and I agreed if I could ride with her and I got the day off. I don't mean to imply that I don't like this friend but we just haven't really hung out too much. We have special needs children and we met at a retreat a few years ago.


She was a faster runner than me so we didn't run it together cause I couldn't keep up with her.. For this most part.. I was okay with it but there were some moments of the race where I was completly alone and no one else in sight.. I am a person who is fearful of getting lost and this did bother me a bit but luckily the run was marked well and some spots even had volunteers telling you where to turn ect.

There was a point where I was around a few other people and I mentioned that I came with a friend but she was faster and they mentioned how they agreed as a group to stay together. That part felt a little lonely cause it would have been nice to have that kind of friendship where we would stand by each other. However, I sort of see why she might have went on. If someone was extremly slower than me. It might effect my run if I had to be held back.

I finished the race in 1 hour and 47 minutes.. I don't recall her times but I believe it was an hour and 30 to 1 hour and 36 minutes. She was there when I crossed so it was nice that they waited to see me cross.

She mentioned she is interested in an half marathon.. so that would be 13 miles. I am not quite sure I am up for that.. Running long distance just wipes me out and it takes so much time to get the runs longer.

I am up before the sun even got up!! I am running an 8 mile race with a friend. Sometimes, I think I am crazy and this is one of those moments. I know I can make it 8 miles but havent ran with a friend before so this should be interestinh to see how this goes.

So here is the deal. I believe in the past I have wrote about my niece and called her "K" Well, K isn't related to me anymore due to divorce but I was around for a good bit of her growing up days. K is now about 23 years of age I believe. K hasnt had the best upbringing. K has some mental problems and her Mother didn't really take care of her. K spent most of her childhood living in a one bedroom apartment that is part of public housing. K's grandmother raised her.

So K is my children's cousin. My brother got involved with K. That's where it sounds gross cause my kid's may say something like "my Uncle is dating my cousin" haha.. Well, K, played the "I am pregnant" thing a couple times and never was pregnant.. K likes attention.. So last summer or whenever 9 months ago K says I am pregnant and this time it's for real.

My brother who I will call "m" told me right away he didn't think it was his child.. Then when her due date M was more convinced that this baby wasn't his child. He stuck by her side even though she admitted to having slept with another guy and we seen her with this other guy a lot last summer when we could ride our bikes.. but anyways K stuck to her story that this baby is my M's.

The baby was born a little over a week ago and I don't know what to think of it. I honestly believe my brother and based on the looks and size I am leaning towards this baby is not my family.. but my brother seems to be sticking by her even though she falls in and out of love easily.. there is an picture of her with another guy holding her big tummy before she had the baby.

I actually seen the baby yesterday!!! He is so tiny. I wanted to take him home. I asked Grandma how K was doing and she said bad. I asked how bad? New Mom bad or really bad?? She said really bad.. I feel so badly for K, new baby and everyone involved. K learned from her Mom. She didn't have a strong support system then and I believe she will have help.. However, I see history repeating itself and instead of help they will let K dump her child on somoeone else. I know dump is a bad word.. Maybe it's better to say she won't step up to the plate and take care of him and Grandma (who is actually a great grandma now) or K's Mom who is actually (grandma now) will.. but if K's mother didn't take care of her own two children is she really gonna take care of this baby?

I am really hoping it's not my brother's child for a couple reasons.. one selfish.. this family is bad and I don't want to be mixed with them. K isn't bad.. just has some problems.. K's grandma isn't bad but is getting up there in age.. about 65 years of age.. In a round about way, I told her how much she helped us but she didn't raise my children and she agreed with that. I strongly told her don't let history repeat itself. Make K take care of him.

It's K's mother and step father that is bad and so is K's step brothers.. we don't want to be mixeed up.. bad things have happpened. Another reason I really hope it's not his child that it would make both parents on disabilities and that makes a sticky sitaution for physically, fiacnially and emotionally for this child to get a proper upbringing.

I have been obsessed with this situation but I don't think it's adoption rearing it's ugly head.. I haven't been jealous, terribly sad nor do I want to avoid the baby. I can't say if it would be different had it been a girl. So from an adoption stand point I am doing well.

We are hoping for a DNA test soon. We think that great grandma will push it cause K's SSI payment isn't going to get very far while she takes care of paying for a newborn's need.

Heavy heart

A newborn baby boy was born into my boys family. It may be my relation too. So if that's true this baby boy is related to my sons from both parents. It's not a case of incest even though it sounds like it. I have a heavy heart because I worry about this babies and it's mother's future. More on this later. I am officially stalking a couple people's facebook page cause the Mother has some mental problems and likes to delete people to only bug them to friend them.

My birthday

The top photo is from Mother's day three years ago.

The bottom photo is from my most recent birthday. Alex came into town for my birthday and treated me to dinner. Alex, Stephen and myself rode bikes to the pizza joint. We had an awesome time riding and just enjoying each other's company. Alex paid for dinner and gave me a card with a little cash in it. Plus he gave me some chocolate. He seems like he is doing well with his job.

It's slightly been over a year since we made him move out. It was a tough decision but it was probably for the best. He mentioned hoping to get his own place soon. I am so happy he is doing well. I am thinking of a short vacation stay in his town.. maybe get a hotel room and stay a night or two.. It's such a cute town. I would love to explore it more.

New goal

Before the end of this year I would love to see my followers reach 200 Followers.. It's not always going to be adoption related but I sort of miss blogging so maybe it will get switched up from time to time. Will ya help get me up there if your reading but don't follow? Let's see if I can live on the wild side and see what will happen first me hit 100 lbs lost or me hit 200 followers on my blog!! Let's go!!

Color run 2013

For the fun of it I wanted to share pictures again from last years run!! Go here.

and to see some more from last here go here.

Color run 2014

I signed up for the Color run again. I had such a great time last year that I wanted to do it again and I wanted to see my son get colored. I ran it and my son walked it. He didn't really want to do it but I bribed him.

Pictures before the run started.

During the run!!

A few shots from after the run.

Last one.

It was a blast! My husband said I ran much better than last year. I felt like this year the paint didn't stick to my clothes as well as last year. I chose to buy and wear the tank cause it mentions turtles and I have a pet turtle. Lol.

After we got cleaned up my son and I went to Olive garden and ate like pigs. They had an awesome deal for 2 for 25.00!!

I hope someday to do a longer run! I don't have any specific runs in mind but I think I would love the challenge of a 10k or half of a marathon. A little over a week ago, I went running on Sunday and ended up crashing a half marathon cause they were running on the bike path that I do. It felt weird cause everyone was aplauding everyone. I wanted to follow the runners and cross the finish line but didn't feel that would be right and I didn't have time to keep running.

Hope you enjoyed my pictures. I had quite a few dinners out over my birthday week.. next time I get a few minutes to spare I will post about my birthday dinner with Alex and Stephen.

Update

I can't believe I have almost lost all interest in blogging. It's weird. Well, how about a do a quick update on everyone.

I am now down 93lbs!! I am close to goal weight that puts me in the top range of a healthy weight. I am still working for the same two clients and lately one of them is driving me crazy! I am still babysitting for this church on Sunday's and somedays I am cool with it and other days I feel like quitting.. I feel like quitting on the days where I don't have any children. However, I heard a new baby was born yesterday so hoping for the days of not having any child go down.

I have to drive my husband to work and then it's two more hours before I have to be at church. I am there an hour and half to two hours and if I have any errands to do it seems like by the time I get home it's time to get my husband.. then he drops me off at home.. all this is done on not getting quite enough sleep between Saturday night and Sunday morning.. The funny thing is if I quit the church job and stayed home and had him drive himself I wonder if I would be equally frustrated cause now I would be stuck.

Alex got promoted at his job at McDonald's to manager. He is suppose to come tomorrow and we go to dinner for my birthday.. That would mean he would treat, right? LOL It was his suggestion so more reason to think it's his dime.. We shall see.

Stephen went to D.C and had a great time. He is finishing up 8th grade soon. I can't believe he is onto high school after this summer. We don't have anything lined up for summer but hope to have some camps set up for him soon.. It's his last year he can do the camp he sleeps over with.

Izzy has announced that her and her fiance are getting married at the end of this summer.. They are just having a small ceremony where they live and then coming to our home town for a reception.

My husband is working two jobs and for the most part they are going well. This month we came up on five years since he quit drinking.

My relationship with my Mother has improved! It's not pefect but it's an huge improvement. I think there has been a little on each of our parts at making an effort to see each other. I think our trip to TN in October was a starting point cause I had to spend a lot of time with her. I no longer feel akward being in the same room with her on a one on one basis. I can't say at the moment that we are super close and all that.. but it's something. Both my sisters are far away and all my Mom and Dad have home is my brother and me. I don't want to throw away the options to see my Mom. I can't promise we will ever be close and seeing each other weekly like she does my brother but it's something. I think I maybe happy with monthly or even bi monthly.

I am no where near talking to her about my daughter and for the moment I am okay with that. Don't know if that will ever change.

Mother's Day

The upcoming Mother's day holiday is making me a little down for a couple reasons.. I always dream and wish a little something from Izzy on Mother's day and I just get a text or facebook message. I am thrilled with that.. I hate to get nothing but even a card in the mail would be nice.

Alex lives about a 40 minute drive from me.. so not sure I will see him. If I do.. I would probably have to get him and bring him home and if we go out to eat pay for it myself. I don't really know if I would have the time to get him ect so that sort of stinks.

My husband has to work so there goes the cookout that I like to happen if it's nice.

I will have Stephen home after he goes to church with his Dad. So we have talked about Mother's day and he said he will take me to dinner but I have to pay. haha.. I teased him that he has to put me on his bike so he can "drive me"

He did suggest we ride our bikes to dinner.. We won't have the car. I normally don't like to go to dinner on Mother's day but I know we did it once at this Ilitian place.. so I am debating on going or not.. I kind of like the idea but paying for it is kind of a bummer.. but then again my son doesn't have a job. lol

How accepting are you

How accepting are you all to gay men and women? Transgender people? I ask because I been struggling with my Sunday's at church. I am a paid employee at a church. It's been a couple years at least. It's sort of like being self employed. I been allowed to bring my son with me.. I have been allowed to bring my grandchild with me.. My pets.. just kidding.

This church is very accepting and loving of the people I mentioned above. In general I don't have issues with gay people or transgender. I can be friendly.

A while back, a couple months ago, this man, who I didn't judge cause he was gay started be friendly with my son who was almost 14. He asked if my son could go to a Ice Hockey game with him and a couple other people. I agreed and my son spent the afternoon and evening with them.

My son had a great time. This man expressed interest in my son coming over to watch movies cause said my son asked him to take him to a movie. I agreed but then got to thinking how fishy that sounds.. this isn't a young guy wanting to be buddy buddy with an almost adult. This is someone about 40 years of age but really doesn't look it..

Well, anyways, I told my husband how I was concerned and he looked him up. He is a sex offender.. Strike one for the church. They knew nothing of this.. They have delt with it. He still goes to the church and has pretty much stopped talking to me for the most part.

Strike two.. is this big man that has finally decided to offically dress 100% as a woman. This is a person who has been rude to me when I was doing fundraising for my son. Recently, on the church facebook page.. i responded to a question of is because I don't want to hold a grudge over him being grouchy. So he has taken to speaking to be politly now that I have been friendly.. but not a lot and I am okay with it.

Two weeks ago, I went to the bathroom and he is in there going to the bathroom. I find that weird..I have changed bathrooms and go to the one that is meant for handicapped and it's only one stall and it locks.

Today, I didn't have any children and I stiked a conversation with a man after he asked me a question about having change for a 20. I said are you new to this church? He went on to have a long conversation about being a gay man and knowing some of the gay members.. he spoke about being bipolar and even multiple personatlies coming out. He spoke about some other weird stuff.. said how he doesn't consider himself religious but needs a place to socialize... to belong. He got disturbed by something that was preached about and it was pretty twisted.

I been going thru some pretty tough times.

My dog was attacked by a pit bull a month ago. He just got his stitches out on Friday and is doing well. I been parinoid to walk my dogs and even walking alone scares me. I been feeling overwhelmed on Sunday which is one of my days off. I work Saturday 3 to 10pm. I have to get my husband at 11 pm. We are not home until 11:30 pm.. probably sleeping by 12:30 am. I have to be up at 7:00 am to drive my husband.. I get home about 8:15 am.. I need to leave about 9:30 am to get to church by 10:00 am. I get annoyed on the Sundays I don't have any children come in. This happens quite often but not as much as it used to. I usually leave the church by noon and a lot of times I need to run errands to get groceries, soda and pet supplies. I know some of it I bring on myself.. like the pet stuff. I have to get my husband at 3pm and we come home and then he takes the car to work. I usually have to catch up on dishes and quite often pet stuff.

My husband says quit the church job. I am debating it. I enjoy it. But the other kind of day I would have if I quit was I would be home all day cause then my husband would probably drive himself.

I don't know if my frustation is coming more so from the kind of people the church attracts or that I am just getting tired. Last summer when my husband got the job.. I would drive him to work at 8 am, then run on the bike path, shower, stop at the gas station and munch on cereal while I waited for kids if any to come in.. Then I would drop paperwork off. I don't recall any major errands ect.. I believe I just came homw and was home for the day.. but I had the car so if I needed something I could go. My husband would take his bike and ride home at night.. now he has two jobs cause change of owners changed somethings up.. so just writing this reminds me that it's not really the same situation anymore.. once it gets warmer.. he will go back to riding his bike and that will free up picking him up at 3pm unless bad weather.

I enjoy watching the children when I do have them. One family just had a baby almost a year ago and another Mom is due this summer.. so finally I have babies to play with. for a while I didn't have any children. I get frustrated with how much effort I go thru to get there and then no kids.

For the record. I am not a member of the church. They do treat me well. I do join in with coffee hour once in a great while or if they have a special. It all depends more on if I have my son or not. Every since the situation with the man being a sex offender I have pulled away more and socialied there less. The moey isn't that big of a deal but it helps. sorry for the ranting.. would you leave this job considering the people it's attracting? For the record. I don't have a problem with gay people. There are others that I am aware of that haven't done anything to cause alarm. Today's guy didnt do anything but he did seem disturbed/.