After the last weekend with my older son home, we decided on some marriage counseling. Actually my husband thinks we need family counseling and even to involve my ex husband. He called one place and they are suppose to call us back, but going to them will add to our money problems.
I called a church that a co worker suggested for counseling. I will admit that I am not into religion. I honestly have never been to a church that I care to go to. I have tried and honestly just either feel alone or pressured or even just a outcast.
Out of pure desperation to save the relationship between my son and save my marriage I called the church even though I am not into religion. I am not saying I don't believe in God, but I just don't get into Church or 100% sure there is anything past our life here on earth. I don't really want to get into a heavy discussion about religion here. I talked to the Pastor and he agrees it sounds like we need help and help fast. He brought religion and praying into the conversation and I can't blame him. He is a pastor after all. I don't know if I can talk to a Pastor about all our issues and be totally honest. I also really don't want religion forced on me, but I can't exactly deny him the right to try and teach us. We are now waiting on another call from another pastor he is referring us to.

On the adoption side of my life it's been about six weeks since I wrote the second letter. I didn't hear anything back. I don't regret writing again. I can at least tell all my children that I tried twice to connect with them. I have accepted that they won't write and now the wait is on. She will be 18 in the fall, but I believe in my state her parents are in charge until she is 21 years of age. So wait is what I will do.

My sister was in from another state. I was able to show her the photocopied pictures of Izzy. She agrees that she looks a lot like me, but her looks from year to year change. I have always had some self esteem issues and have never thought of myself as cute, beautiful or pretty. However, my daughter is pretty. I can see me in her. Suddenly I don't see myself as ugly anymore. I am not the prettiest girl, but how can I be ugly. If I still say that I am ugly then my daughter is ugly too. I just won't go there.