little of this and that....

I had a busy day. I got dinner going in the crockpot! One can't go wrong with bbq chicken wings and boy was I hungry! I don't know if it's from working out but sometimes I get so hungry one would think I haven't been eating.

Well, anyways, after working out and doing the finishing of dinner I took done plates for Stephen to set the table. Stephen asked me why I set four plates down. Alex has been gone since before the middle of April and I feel like it's been forever on one hand. I don't know why after this amount of time has passed that I messed up and was setting a plate for Alex.

It might have to do with the fact that the bbq wings was probably one of those meals that he would most likely be home to eat. One can smell it all day long and he likes it. I haven't quite adjusted to cooking for 3 instead of 4. It's a little cross between us eating "his serving" and me freezing it for later meals for me to take to work.

Alex texted me a couple days ago asking if I would be interested going to his gf's graduation. (not said he needs a ride) haha. He asked me if he could stay with us for a couple days. I suggested he stay until Sunday cause my best friend's son is graduating too and she is throwing him a party. The boys have grown up together and one could say they are friends.

The graduation day happens to be my 37th birthday and I have to decide if I am going to ask just for the day shift off or the whole Thursday. It's basically the difference between missing only 50 bucks on the check or 130 on the check. I haven't decided yet. I will pick up the paperwork for the day off tomorrow and sit on it for a couple more days. I would like to be off but don't want to cause hardships for myself.

I been splurging just a little bit too much. My husband and I put bikes on layaway and I been paying them off. We should have the bikes by May 19th. I went swimming suit shopping and couldn't decide between two of them and bought them both. My husband had his favorite but said I can't wear it outside of the house. LOL

I can't remember if I blogged that I signed up for the Color run on June 1st. The charity is the same organization that gave me free counseling sometime in 9th grade and again for around Izzy's 17th birthday I believe. It costed over 40 to run it and probably will be my last run. I finished the couch to 5k running ap and after finishing I am just not feeling the running. It's an higher calorie burn but I feel like I can't make the 3 mile run. I am not sure what the difference is right now.

Friday, I leave for the weekend in Galena for a retreat with Mom's with special needs children and I am excited to go. It's the 3rd retreat I went on but the first one in this location and more of a road trip.

In other news, my stepmom is on unemployment and they are struggling and it came to me to tell her to apply where I work. I know they are struggling and it can effect my Dad's health if they don't have things like electric and gas.

I assured her that based on giving my name that they would hire her. I guess I am over confident on the quality of my work. Well, she went in there to learn apply online. (that's different from six years ago)

She called me today to ask questions as she filled it out. Then later this afternoon called again. She has a job interview for tomorrow. I hope my over confidence doesn't bite me in the butt.

I texted Alex last night. I mentioned how I seen his gf's prom dress and he wrote back that he is upset with her cause he has been after her to ..get a date of the prom and cost of tickets ect.
I replied that prom is pretty fancy and maybe she didn't think he could come up with the clothes. I asked what difference does 2 or 4 weeks make when one doesn't have a job?

The Mommy in me wants to come to his rescue and help him go to the Prom with his gf.

But the parent in me thinks he made the decision to get so far behind in school that he had to change to the ged department and miss the formal senior year 'parties'

Then there is the issue that even if I wanted to help that I don't really have the money. My child's father hasnt paid support in over a month. Not that child support goes for Alex anymore though.

Maybe this will be one of the events that makes him want to find work. One doesn't have to have lots cash to be happy. But it does make the world go around.

I am starting to save money for Stephen@ls feild trip to dc in 8th grade. It's a lot of money and I might not make it happen but I will try.

Does this make me a bad parent? Like I play favorites? Hope not. Stephen is in school and Alex is not.

I wrote Izzy asking if my family would be able to attend her wedding. I didn't go into any details how it might be weird. I just said how I would love to be there for her special day and that I was very excited for her and her fiance.

She wrote back asking who did I have in mind? and in the same message said something along the line of course she would be open to me and the boys.

I wrote back and said that I would like to bring my husband and of course the boys and she agreed husband's are good for the driving.

I am on cloud 9 that she didn't seem to have to sit on if we could come to her wedding or not.

It looks like she is trying to do a big fancy wedding and I am just thrilled that I can share that day with her.

I do hate that adoption does give me the self doubt of just assuming I would get an invite.

I see her Mom interacting with her quite a bit of facebook and I am not been able to get a clear picture if her parents are footing the bill. I am only curious because when I got married my family didn't foot the bill but did help some.

My wedding dress was borrowed and we had help from our mother's with the flowers. We paid for a lot of it on our own. I didn't really get a reception besides the cake and punch in the basement of the church.

On facebook I seen her Mom asked if she was going to get invited and I have to think that is more out of humor than anything.

One of the comments suggested seeing Izzy's Mom for lunch. I would be open to that if Izzy or her Mom asked me to but I have reached out enough times and I am just not going to go there. She is Izzy's Mother and I respect her for that. Even though, I don't respect how she treated me over the years. But I do respect that it was her right to do what she felt best.

I just look at things this way. Izzy is a 21 year old girl and it's no longer up to Mom anymore.

Wedding

Izzy is planning her wedding to her fiance. Do I dare ask if we will get an invite? Or just express interest in the planning stages of it? I would be heart broken if we were not invited. I understand how it could make her parents uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be.

Adoptive parents... How many of you joke that your kid's problems are not your fault due to them having other parents? If you say this is it more in a funny way or do you really use adoption as a way to take the blame off yourself and put it on the birthparents?

I realize in some cases like drug abuse it's a true statement. I just heard this said to me from someone who just told that her two grown children came to her in the middle of growing up.

I think this could possibly make the child think that if they'e natural parents fucked up and did something wrong then they must be screw ups too.

volunteering

I haven't volunteered in about a month or more. Truth is that I miss it but I just don't know where to fit it in. I work for my day job 5 days a week and that's 37 hours a week. If you add drive time it adds about 3 hours a week driving back and forth. I babysit for this church for about an hour and half each Sunday but again the drive time adds about an hour for the day.

I spend an average of 4 days a week at the YMCA and it averages at least two hours or more each visit. Between my full time job and the babysitting job I only have one day a week that I don't have an obligation. The Y time includes my showering. Truth is that I shower more at the Y than I do at home.

I enjoy spending time at home with my family. It includes a few hours here and there with my granddaughter. I enjoy meeting up with friends for lunch or whatever else we decide to do. Quite often when asked to meet up.. I arrange the times after my Monday or Friday work out. (i tend to meet up with friend's when Stephen is at school) If I have to add volunteering to that day something has to give either the friends or the working out.

We are just a couple months away from my son being home from summer vacation. I am not going to want to leave him and go volunteer. I just wish I had an extra day. I really don't want to give up volunteering cause I really do enjoy it. Honestly, I enjoy volunteering more than I do babysitting for the church due to the church not always having children in the age group that I look after. However, I do get days where I see the same kids and it melts my heart to have them in my care.

I get frustrated when I get out of bed and there are not any children. If money wasn't an issue I think I would rather babysit for free but that's just not how things roll for me.

I have rearranged one of my Y nights to make it a Y day so I don't run off twice a week during the evening. So as of right now, I spend only one evening at the Y. I have Saturday morning zumba and of course Monday and Friday working out in the morning or early afternoon. Tuesdays unless my son has counseling. ( he is almost done with it) we have made it family night rotating between a game night or movie night.

I really don't want to give up volunteering so it's a matter of trying to find the couple hours here and there to fit it in.

update and pictures.

Today was the day that my husband and I would have had to make the decision to kick Alex out or not. I am really glad that it didn't come down to that. I am not sure neither one of us could have actually followed through with kicking him out if it would have meant he had no where to go. Call me weak. I just don't care.

Alex has been gone for a week now. Things are going okay without him but I do miss him. I have done a lot of thinking and at times I wonder if our complaining about Alex was petty. My husband even agrees that yes when you list one thing that it was petty. However, when you add the list of all the petty things that it does add up.

I know some of the things that bugged us about Alex and that we bugged him about will take him growing up to know that one has to make the groceries last for the week and to take it easy on the food. For example, he will pile on stuff like ranch, cheese and sour cream just to name a few. I secretly wonder if all my pestering on some of the stuff was silly. I can imagine the cheese and sour cream rotting since everyone else around here uses it in small amounts if at all.

Wednesday of last week I threw myself back into my YMCA routine. I started my week 9 of couch to 5k running program and this week I seen a 2 pound drop on the scale. I was a little surprised cause I think I probably resorted to a couple days of eating things that only tasted good.



The picture of me at the Y was when I started week 9. I was determined to finish the program and finish my run with 3.1 miles.

Today, I finished the couch to 5k running ap and since Stephen has been spending a couple extra days with his Dad I took a few hours out of the day to take care of myself. I call it me time. I worked with my curling iron to make curls and that sure does take some time.

I had it planned that I would get a pedicure as a reward for finishing the running program. When I got to the place for the pedicure (never been there before) and noticed that they had a deal if you got a manicure. So I got both done.

After the salon, I went to kohl@S and browsed through the clearanced section and tried on some clothes. I didn't buy anything but I did find two things that fit.

One was a size 10 capri jeans and it was a tight fit and I made the decision not to buy them. The other was a size 12 capri (spring color) and I didn't get it either. Isn't it weird how sizes just vary according to brand and how the clothes are made.



My husband and I have had the weekend free of kids and it's been nice. The ironic part about Alex was that when Stephen was gone with Dad that Alex would have no where to be and be home so we wouldn't have a child free weekend. But then when Stephen was home a lot of the times he would be gone all weekend.

I do miss Alex. I guess I can't have it both ways. I wonder how much adoption loss plays into my feelings of deep sadness with him being gone.

I have texted him a couple times this week and today he wrote to me for the first time without me writing first. He said that they were picking up his girlfriend and she was going to spend a few days with him. This is something that we wouldn't allow here.

I told Alex and my husband agreed with it that he could come home for a night or two if it was all planned out. I like that idea of him coming home even if it's just for a short stay.

I am doing a little bit better these last couple days. I have gone back to my normal YMCA routine and am one run away from finishing the cough to 5k running program. I do still feel that missing parts of my day that make me think of Alex. He was famous for stealing my light bulb from my lamp by my freezer and it no longer disappears. When I cook there isn't an guessing game on if there will be 3 or 4 people and that goes the same when Stephen sets the table.

I been thinking a lot about our last few months with Alex home and it's possible that we were hard asses towards him. I know I personally let fear of the April 15th date drive me to push him to get out and look for work.

I even wonder did I let my husband's bitching about Alex fuel my own anger towards Alex. He was more upset with Alex's idle hands due to him being a stay at home Dad. I work full time and spend about 8 to 10 hours a week at the YMCA. He was also the one who majority of the time had to pick up the slack if Alex didn't do the things that was asked for him.

I have texted Alex a couple times since he has moved just to check on him. He has a bedroom in the basement sharing with his friend. He said it's similar to "your house" I hope he can understand that while my home isn't "his house" that we are his family and in a sense this will always be his house too. It's a place to call home.

Over the years, I have even felt guilty for choosing a 2 bedroom house and asking him to be okay in the basement. It has been fixed up but it's not one of those really nice basements. I hope he doesn't feel less loved over the years due to him having to be in the basement. Maybe I just got too caught up in buying a home and lost sight of finding the perfect house.

Just wanted to do a quick update that my son moved yesterday morning to go stay with his friend and his Mother. I feel terribly sad. As much as I try to hide my emotions it didn't work and I cried in front of my son. I miss him already. I know the very thing that bugged me about him is going to make me miss him more. I had bought an Easter ham and didn't cook it until Sunday of this week. It was planned, in my mind, meaning i didn't tell anyone that I would make my ham potatoe casseole dish that he likes. I learned if I cooked him favorite meals he would be more likely to eat at home. Tonight, there wasn't any hoping or wondering if Alex was eating at home. There was just an empty seat at the table.

I just recently started a Tuesday night family night since Stephen is close to graduating from counseling. I plan on rotating it between game night and movie night. Today, the three of us a played a game. I wonder why I never did anything like this when Alex was home. He was actually here two weeks ago but was gone for the night.

My son was crying when he left and said he was sorry it had to happen this way. I hope that he can use that feeling to motivate himself to start doing something with himself.

I need to try to get back to myself. I am not doing well.

Heart broken

Alex has packed up his things and says he is moving tomorrow. I suspected he would make the move after his girlfriend played in the musical Grease. I am really heart broken and just feel horrible. I probably appear like a hard ass in front of my son cause I try to hide my sadness around my kids. I keep asking myself where did I go wrong? What could I have done different? How come I feel like I am losing my son???

answering a question

I was asked what I thought about this post on a blog that a fellow blogger mentioned in a recent comment. You can check out the blog here.

To give you a little idea on what the post is about I copied the title to the post.

Does a birthmother’s right to privacy trump an adoptee’s right to their own information?

My answer to the above question is. No. the birthmother's right to privacy should not trump an adoptee's right to their own information.

I think when one chooses to carry a baby to term and give birth then they owe a little something to the child even if they choose to give the child away to someone else to raise. I don't believe one should have to jump thru hurdles to know their history.

I can understand how a child coming back into a birthmother's life could really mess things up for her if she kept the whole thing a secret. Hell, it's going to rock her world no matter what the case was with how open or not open she was about the child she choose not to be it's mother.

I can relate to not being honest. I lied to my first husband cause I didn't know how to tell him that I had a kid at 15 and it escaped me to tell him. I had no choice when I discovered that I was pregnant with my second child. I went with the same lie that I told my Mother when I paniked and said that I was raped.

If I was still married to him that might have changed my outcome in my reunion story. I might have been less likely to search or see her due to wanting to protect my marriage. I couldn't have imagined lying to my daughter about how she was came to be. It would be one thing if it was true but how could I say that when it was a lie.

If anyone else has any questions on this matter just let me know but lastly let this issue be something that isn't an concern. Don't live in secret and shame and let others know about a child even if your not raising them. It would be really sad to reject your own child over fear of coming out of the closet.

I have been kind of quiet lately. I don't know if the appeal of blogging as moved past me or that my mind is else where these days.

I have been pretty busy between working and going to the YMCA. I am doing this program called couch to 5k. It's a running program. I am in week 8 and it's a 9 week program. AS of right now, I am running 28 minutes at a time. I am doing a class called body pump once a week. It's a weight class and while it's not as fun as zumba I think it offers something that I don't get from zumba. I still do zumba on Saturdays. I am down a total of 57 lbs as of last week.

I can't remember if I wrote about my court experience with the ex husband. He did get a job but told the judge he would be working only 5 hours a day. His child support for one child was set at 46 a week and he has to pay ten a week extra until he pays the 400 he owes for back support.

The job he got is driving a school bus so the likely hood that he will miss more payments is highly likely. On one hand, I am amazed he got a job so fast. Om the other hand, I want to slap him. Why get another job where you get summer break and other times where there is no school and no money. His wife works for the school's driving the little bus. So, both of them are shit out of luck for money at certain times of the year.

It wouldn't be my concern except for no check means no child support and living conditions can suffer if one can't pay their electric and gas bill not to mention not have a decent amount of food in the house to feed the growing boy. Add the fact that they are stupid and spend money wrong. Who am I to judge though? It really bothers me that a parent can get two months behind and be allowed almost a whole year to pay it back. Something doesn't seem right. Who hasn't gotten behind with a bill and had to double up? Shouldn't he have to double up to pay it faster? Or even pay an extra payment each month.

We are trying to get summer school for Stephen and been told he don't qualify. We are going to try to fight them. I wish I could afford to work less this summer but that's not going to happen.

My husband still watches our granddaughter and she is growing too fast. She is almost potty trained. She still wears her pull ups for nap time and bedtime but does most of her peeing and pooping on her potty chair. She talks quite a bit and will repeat anything she hears.

The three days I have morning shifts ( I have 3 evening shifts too) She spends the hour I am getting ready following me from room to room. When I am changing out of my pj's to work clothes she comments on my panties. LOL She of course wear's big girl panties now. The last couple of days she has told me my panties are big. I don't know if that's cause they are lose or big compared to her.

She chats with me while I make my lunch and then requests sometimes to eat the same kind of foods that I am packing. Lastly, she hangs out in the bathroom when I am putting on makeup (what little I do) and she likes to get lip gloss on too. We brush our hair together and our teeth together.