I have been going to counseling a little more often. It's hard to explain, but instead of just venting about my losses, I am getting homework to do. I have been keeping track of a daily mood log. Also, I printed my posts on adoption so we can talk about it. I hope it's a step in the right direction.
I tried counseling through the church, but it quickly turned into let's talk over coffee and that didn't work for me. She was nice to me, but I couldn't always feel like what she said was helpful.
One of the big change in my life has been going to Church. I started going when we briefly tried marriage counseling. I can't put my finger on it yet, but going to the services really make me feel better. I wasn't raised in Church or speaking of God so this was a big change for me. It's been a good one. I believe in God. I really do. But I have a hard time believing everything. It's something I still can't quite understand. I get some peace from listening to the band sing Christian music and listening to the message of the day. It lifts my spirit. It makes my dark days a little lighter.
Sometimes, it gives me hope for a brighter future. Sometimes, I hope I can find the Faith that God is really watching out for me and has better plans for me. That he isn't finished with me yet. But I have my doubts still. Because what did I do wrong to make my life the way it is now?
Last night, they were preaching on having Faith and giving God praise for what you have and for what your heart desires on what God will do for you. He said it's not a overnight process where you just suddenly have this faith and not live your life in fear, but where is the book to teach me this process. I have tried to read the bible and don't hate me for saying it, but I don't get anything out of it. However, in church, I hear the message and I get more out of it.
I have a hard time that if I accept God's words as true then I have to accept the devil is real. I have never really thought of the devil and hell as real. Sometimes, I feel like the church is trying to say that as Christians the devil is after us. That we are under attack. Well, if having God on my side, makes the devil my new friend, I am not sure that I want either one.
I guess my biggest concern for thanking God for what he hasn't done yet is going to scare me away. The pastor makes it sound so easy. So, if I thank him for what my heart desires and I don't get it then I will feel like I was fed a line of bull.
Please don't judge me for having my doubts.
5 comments:
I'm glad counseling is going well. I think it's a great thing, and I've benefited from it as well.
I understand a lot of your thoughts on church. I always feel so uplifted after attending, but I too don't necessarily agree with everything being said to me. . . such as good and evil, the devil, and things of that nature.
I think doubts (yours in particular) are very common and normal. I personally don't get too much out of the Bible, either. You are not alone at all in these feelings.
Thanks for sharing this. As much as I love talking about adoption, I like talking about htis more. ;)But eh, maybe my blog title already gave that away.
Becasue I could write a small book here, I am going to purposefully try to keep it short. I understand what you mean about feeling peaceful when the band is singing. It can hard to explain, but I feel the same way. There was a particularly difficult season of life when worship felt very soothing to me.
I hear everything you're saying. No judgement here for having doubts. This is a huge post really, and I think I will write and write and write if I keep going. I may come back and say more -- have to think on it.
This is good, really. What you're going through - it's part of getting there. It's ok. It's ok.
It's almost like fate that I stumbled upon your blog at this time in which you are expressing these feelings about church and God.
My journey has been a long one, but I now see clearly the reason in the midst of confusion.
I've written a couple of essays that I think you would enjoy reading.
Be well. Mind. Body. And Soul.
I'm sorry if that is how you perceive ''her womb, our hearts.'' As you stated, I don't have I'll intentions but I can see how you may think that. By no means do I think a BM's job is to carry my baby and then she is done. We are hoping for an open adoption. What I meant by my title is while the baby's growing in his or her BM's womb, I'm loving and carrying her baby in my heart (I wrote our instead of my heart because the baby is in all of our hearts). I know ''grown in my heart'' is not a loved statement in the ''adoptive community'' but it is how I truly feel.
Post a Comment