Thursday, October 15, 2009
I forgot to look
I had my older son over for a while. On the way, back to his house. We were so busy in conversation that I actually forgot to look over at my daughter's house. ( she lives 1/2 mile or less from my son) I always look. I am not sure what I am hoping to see. There isn't much that you can see when you are going 45 mph down the road. I was pretty proud of myself. Sometimes, my mind is too much on what I don't have and not enough of what I do have.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
award
Thanks Rb for nomination of this award.
Here are the rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
7 things you may not know about me..
1. We have lots of animals. 3 cats, 2 dogs, (black lab and a one eyed shitzu) 4 bunnies and fish
2 I am a caregiver for the elderly. Been doing that for almost three years now.
3. I didn't learn to drive until I was about 26 years of age.
4. I have two boys. Ages 14 and 9 I don't talk too much about them on here. My youngest son was once thought to have autism and had lots of intervention in the under three program. No one believes autism is his problem, but we still struggle with some stuff.
5. I like to watch creepy crime shows.
6.I have a doll collection and actually buy them clothes and change them. Sometimes I like to hold and admire them as if they were real. I am not crazy. It's all in fun.
7. I am afraid of the dark. (outdoors) Creepy bad creatures lurk in the night.
7 Kreativ bloggers I would like to nominate are:
1. Jen
2 Letters to Oliva
3 Love is not a fight.
4. Andrew's Daddies
5. Our adoption journey
6 From another Mother
7 Rebekah
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I wanted to write more about the counseling. I know that I have said that Pastor K has said that Jesus died for our sins. I have never got the impression that he thought that having Izzy and placing her for adoption was a sin. I think since overall, in general, since he knew that I haven't had much education on the bible and church that it's just part of his thing.
If anything Pastor K reminds me that I did nothing wrong. I struggle with guilt, because I feel like I gave my child to strangers and with not really knowing much. He wants me to let go of the guilt. That it's not my fault. I was at the hands of my parents and adoption is what was pretty much forced one me. Sometimes I may mistake the issue of being told to pray over what worries me as the same as don't call me just pray. I know they aren't really meaning that, but sometimes I judge relationships and that's just who I am.
The adoption agency counsler is helping me see that some of my reactions to my daughter's family is just human. For example, I was angry that her face was on facebook for the world to see and not me. She pointed out aren't I doing the same thing with this blog? I put it out for the world to see, but really don't want those closest to me reading it.
She is always trying to help me steer me away from always blaming the parents. There is a lot of unknowns in my situation. She is trying to get me to understand that it might be Izzy who in uninterested at this point. It's just human nature to blame them I guess. She said that I just give off this impression that I will know my daughter some day. I do admit that I feel that I will know her. But I do understand that an reunion and a relationship is a two way street.
She asked me how ofte do I think her adoptive parents think of adoption? I don't have a clue. I would think probably less than me, because they are on the good side of adoption. I won't say that adoptive parents don't feel loss and have pain, but in the end, if you adopt, you have the prize. Birth parents just are left empty handed. So my question to adoptive parents or couples trying to adopt. How often do you think of adoption? Can you hear a story about adoption and not let your mind wonder to your own situation? I can't. But that doesn't mean that I get depressed. I just can't seperate the two.
Did I mention that my step daughter is having a baby? They think it's probably a girl. At first, when she announced she was pregnant, I got pretty depressed. Some old stuff came up. But now I am totally excited. I been buying her some gently used baby girl clothes. Soon to be Grandpa, said new Mom's don't like used clothes. What to you all think about used clothes?
If anything Pastor K reminds me that I did nothing wrong. I struggle with guilt, because I feel like I gave my child to strangers and with not really knowing much. He wants me to let go of the guilt. That it's not my fault. I was at the hands of my parents and adoption is what was pretty much forced one me. Sometimes I may mistake the issue of being told to pray over what worries me as the same as don't call me just pray. I know they aren't really meaning that, but sometimes I judge relationships and that's just who I am.
The adoption agency counsler is helping me see that some of my reactions to my daughter's family is just human. For example, I was angry that her face was on facebook for the world to see and not me. She pointed out aren't I doing the same thing with this blog? I put it out for the world to see, but really don't want those closest to me reading it.
She is always trying to help me steer me away from always blaming the parents. There is a lot of unknowns in my situation. She is trying to get me to understand that it might be Izzy who in uninterested at this point. It's just human nature to blame them I guess. She said that I just give off this impression that I will know my daughter some day. I do admit that I feel that I will know her. But I do understand that an reunion and a relationship is a two way street.
She asked me how ofte do I think her adoptive parents think of adoption? I don't have a clue. I would think probably less than me, because they are on the good side of adoption. I won't say that adoptive parents don't feel loss and have pain, but in the end, if you adopt, you have the prize. Birth parents just are left empty handed. So my question to adoptive parents or couples trying to adopt. How often do you think of adoption? Can you hear a story about adoption and not let your mind wonder to your own situation? I can't. But that doesn't mean that I get depressed. I just can't seperate the two.
Did I mention that my step daughter is having a baby? They think it's probably a girl. At first, when she announced she was pregnant, I got pretty depressed. Some old stuff came up. But now I am totally excited. I been buying her some gently used baby girl clothes. Soon to be Grandpa, said new Mom's don't like used clothes. What to you all think about used clothes?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
It's been about a month since Izzy's birthday and the sending of the card.
It's now been a year since I made the first attempt to send her parents a letter.
When I decided to send the card, I told myself not to expect anything. I can actually say that even though, I would have loved some contact that I am not upset. I can check the mail box without the hoping and dreaming. It's different this time. I didn't convince myself that they would write. So, I can say that I didn't hear back and I am okay with it.
It's now been a year since I made the first attempt to send her parents a letter.
When I decided to send the card, I told myself not to expect anything. I can actually say that even though, I would have loved some contact that I am not upset. I can check the mail box without the hoping and dreaming. It's different this time. I didn't convince myself that they would write. So, I can say that I didn't hear back and I am okay with it.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Counseling
Tomorrow, I am meeting with the adoption agency counselor again. I haven't me with her since the day before my daughter's birthday. I have a lot of issues floating around in my head and things that I want to talk about. I have been getting counseling from the agency, for free, for a year now. Which is awesome, because I didn't even place through them. Most of the time, I think adoption agencies are all about the money, but I do have to see that they are not gaining a thing from me.
I started marriage counseling with a pastor of a church and then it became counseling just for me. I was able to speak more easily about my experience and learn more about God. After, a few sessions with them both, I have been kind of pushed just on his wife. Part of me doesn't mind, but there is a part of me that really thinks that they make a good team. Plus when I meet with him. I did that once. Or them both, we get to use a room in the church. There is something about the peaceful feeling from the church and also it's hard to really talk knowing that I might be airing my issues for all near us to hear.
The pastor and his wife both encouraged me to profess my need of God in my life. He said what I needed most was salvation. For almost any and every issue I bring up he could/would quote the bible to answer me. Also, I felt he was the man who really got what I was trying to say. He was so confident that life would get better if I follow God's word. Very quickly L (Wife) got all sweet and emotional with me. I get hugs when she sees me.
Stay with me. I really liked going to these guys, because I felt they really cared. They were interested in my needs and willing to help. I liked the fact that they weren't making money off of me.
When my daughter's birthday. Which was a topic that I talked about came and went without even a phone call from them. I began to second guess them. When not one single person called me on her birthday, it kind of circled back around to the shame and secretcy of it all. I was pretty hurt by the fact that they didn't call. I did run into them, in church, the Sunday after her birthday. They seemed thrilled that I had both of my kids. We sat near them and only spoke for a minute after the service.
After her birthday, I wanted to call them, but I also wanted to test them. I was asking do they really care? Are they only interested in me as long as I make all the contact. I decided to make the appointment with the adoption agency lady, because I didn't want to call her. I was testing them. I jave issues with one sided relationships/friendships.
A week ago today, I was at church and she called out to me. She asked when could we meet again. I told her that I would have to wait to see what I worked the next week. I told her that I could call on Saturday and give her my best times. I did that and got her voice mail. I left her a message with my best days. I didn't hear anything back.
Tonight, at church, I seen her, but basically didn't go up to her. Then, she came to me and asked why didn't I call. I said that I did and I left a message. She said that she didn't check the messages. What I don't get is that if your going to offer your services to people shouldn't you be more up on returning calls. I want to continue to learn about God and have her in my corner, but I don't want to beg. I have to again, see what I work and set something up with her.
I am not sure which counseling is more assistance to me. I feel the adoption agency counselor is more willing to really talk through the issues and help me process things and gives me encouragement for the future. She also is realistic in the fact that she doesn't sugar coat things and doesn't want to lead me on that I will have a happy ever after story about adoption reunion.
Pastor K and his wife L do a lot of quoting the bible. Some of it helps, but some of it doesn't. They want me to help get rid of all my guilt and remind me that my sins have been forgiven and someday I will reunite with my daughter. He says that if she is a Christian that I will get to be with her in Heaven. The If part is scary. They both have told me the best thing I can do for Izzy is to pray for her. Pray that God will place good people in her life. How can I have peace with that? God didn't magically come to my rescue. Or maybe we can say that he did, because I knew once I went into labor I couldn't deny her any longer. But, I was alone. No once came to my aid to save my daughter from separating from me. Last time, I met with L she said that this life on earth will feel so short once we are in heaven. That doesn't help me in knowing that my daughter is safe. If she is hurting for anytime, it's too much. Pastor K does seem to understand me. He says thinks like it's no wonder you live in fear and don't trust, because someone took the most precious thing from you. He wants me to break free of the fear and be more open and healing will come. I am not so sure of that.
I guess I will continue seeing both counselors as I feel I need to. I wish I felt more comfortable with L. It's not that I feel stressed with her. I just feel best with the both of them. But it's a lot to ask for when he is a marriage counselor and they have a family too.
I started marriage counseling with a pastor of a church and then it became counseling just for me. I was able to speak more easily about my experience and learn more about God. After, a few sessions with them both, I have been kind of pushed just on his wife. Part of me doesn't mind, but there is a part of me that really thinks that they make a good team. Plus when I meet with him. I did that once. Or them both, we get to use a room in the church. There is something about the peaceful feeling from the church and also it's hard to really talk knowing that I might be airing my issues for all near us to hear.
The pastor and his wife both encouraged me to profess my need of God in my life. He said what I needed most was salvation. For almost any and every issue I bring up he could/would quote the bible to answer me. Also, I felt he was the man who really got what I was trying to say. He was so confident that life would get better if I follow God's word. Very quickly L (Wife) got all sweet and emotional with me. I get hugs when she sees me.
Stay with me. I really liked going to these guys, because I felt they really cared. They were interested in my needs and willing to help. I liked the fact that they weren't making money off of me.
When my daughter's birthday. Which was a topic that I talked about came and went without even a phone call from them. I began to second guess them. When not one single person called me on her birthday, it kind of circled back around to the shame and secretcy of it all. I was pretty hurt by the fact that they didn't call. I did run into them, in church, the Sunday after her birthday. They seemed thrilled that I had both of my kids. We sat near them and only spoke for a minute after the service.
After her birthday, I wanted to call them, but I also wanted to test them. I was asking do they really care? Are they only interested in me as long as I make all the contact. I decided to make the appointment with the adoption agency lady, because I didn't want to call her. I was testing them. I jave issues with one sided relationships/friendships.
A week ago today, I was at church and she called out to me. She asked when could we meet again. I told her that I would have to wait to see what I worked the next week. I told her that I could call on Saturday and give her my best times. I did that and got her voice mail. I left her a message with my best days. I didn't hear anything back.
Tonight, at church, I seen her, but basically didn't go up to her. Then, she came to me and asked why didn't I call. I said that I did and I left a message. She said that she didn't check the messages. What I don't get is that if your going to offer your services to people shouldn't you be more up on returning calls. I want to continue to learn about God and have her in my corner, but I don't want to beg. I have to again, see what I work and set something up with her.
I am not sure which counseling is more assistance to me. I feel the adoption agency counselor is more willing to really talk through the issues and help me process things and gives me encouragement for the future. She also is realistic in the fact that she doesn't sugar coat things and doesn't want to lead me on that I will have a happy ever after story about adoption reunion.
Pastor K and his wife L do a lot of quoting the bible. Some of it helps, but some of it doesn't. They want me to help get rid of all my guilt and remind me that my sins have been forgiven and someday I will reunite with my daughter. He says that if she is a Christian that I will get to be with her in Heaven. The If part is scary. They both have told me the best thing I can do for Izzy is to pray for her. Pray that God will place good people in her life. How can I have peace with that? God didn't magically come to my rescue. Or maybe we can say that he did, because I knew once I went into labor I couldn't deny her any longer. But, I was alone. No once came to my aid to save my daughter from separating from me. Last time, I met with L she said that this life on earth will feel so short once we are in heaven. That doesn't help me in knowing that my daughter is safe. If she is hurting for anytime, it's too much. Pastor K does seem to understand me. He says thinks like it's no wonder you live in fear and don't trust, because someone took the most precious thing from you. He wants me to break free of the fear and be more open and healing will come. I am not so sure of that.
I guess I will continue seeing both counselors as I feel I need to. I wish I felt more comfortable with L. It's not that I feel stressed with her. I just feel best with the both of them. But it's a lot to ask for when he is a marriage counselor and they have a family too.
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