adoption

I really haven't been writing about adoption lately. It's not that I don't have thoughts on the subject anymore. I do think I am at a much better place than I was when I started blogging. Reunion doesn't fix everything. I know there are pain and things that could trigger emotions and bring me to my knees without asking me if it's okay first. I also know that I am very lucky to know my daughter and not feel the darkness of wondering what she looks like or what she sounds like. I still have jealosy when it comes to her relationship with her parents but at the same time I have to admit that I am happy she has parents that are devoted to her.

I seen a fellow blogger was/is going on a retreat for adoption healing and I was intrested in it. Truth is if I felt healed I couldn't be curious. Sad thing is that the retreats are far away and I am a big chicken and the reality of me traveling far is probably not going to happen. If it was close by I would jump at the chance for a retreat based on adoption healing.

I am sure someday when a story intrest me enough or I read a good book about adoption I will post about adoption. Until then you have to put up with me blogging about my son's and my weight loss. Maybe I will even throw in some work related posts to share with you all.

volunteering and odds and ends

I did my three hours volunteering for the nursery that I have blogged about. I feel better doing it twice a month compared to weekly. I had to get over a little guilt reducing it from weekly to biweekly. I have just had to accept that any time I volunteer is still a good thing. Volunteering is part of who I am but the amount of hours I give doesn't define who I am. I know if I didn't need to work so much that I would gladly give up a free day to volunteer for them.

They really treat their volunteers pretty well. They offer lunch or whatever I pretty much want. Sometimes, I eat lunch or nothing at all. Today, I just grabbed some grapes to get me thru until I left cause I knew I was meeting a friend for late lunch.

There were two children there when I got there but I really didn't get to play with the children. They asked me to clean the upstairs which includes two bedrooms and a room where they hold parenting classe and one bathroom.

I stocked a few things for them and sanatized buckets of toys for them. They said they have to do it weekly. It sure seems like a lot of work. I don't feel like I work that hard at my real job or for home for that matter. The cleaning makes me feel a little guilty because I don't hardly do any of that at home.

My husband's and our roles are sort of reversed. I bring most of the income in the househole and he does most of the cleaning. However, I still expect him to be manly and take care of our car!! LOL

It had a few things wrong with it that needs tending to and a couple of things were pretty bad that they were being nelglected. I think it's more out of him just not being a car smart guy than a lazy one.

We paid someone to do two of the repairs. We got new tires and a new tire rod thing was put in by the people that did the tires.

I am on the verge of becoming a shopaholic!! TMI alert.


I think I just can't get enough bras and panties!! Sorry if that weirds you out. I finally got sized and am actually buying bras that fit from a fancy bra shop. Luckily most of them have been on sale so I paid an average of 20 compared to 40. I haven't caved and bought 15 dollar pair of panties to match them so I think I got my head screwed on right still.

This weight loss thing has really woke up the girl in me. I am coming up on sticking to count calories and work out on a weekly/ almost daily basis for a year.

mini vacation

It's no secret that I spend quite a bit of time at the YMCA. It's probably about 6 to 8 hours a week. It may not seem a lot but with working full time I think it's quite a bit.

I try to bring Stephen when his school work allows the extra time. He seen an movie event at the Y that is watching Nemo in the pool and wants to go.

I looked into it and it's a day that I normally have to work. It happens to also be the same day I go to court for child support. My luck it's his weekend with his father so I had to ask if he would mind if he came over late. I was suprised he said yes because it is court date and all so he has to be in town plus I figure he isn't happy with me.

So I get to ask for the day off. I plan on taking the Saturday off too because there is a zumbathon that I had considered asking time off to go. I figured I would treat myself to the time off as a way to destress from the tension that I might experience leading up to court and after court.

All in all it will give me a four day weekend from my job!! I hope my job approves it. They have been pretty good about handling time off requests.

man stuff

Today I had plans with a friend that fell through and while I was gone my husband was suppose to get us some new front tires because we have been having some front end trouble. Since my plans fell thru I went with my husband.

We made Alex get up and go to. He actually bitched cause he had to sit in the back then. I asked had he made the car payment! Ha! Funny thing. Is that both of them should have sat in the back based on that statement.

I think making Alex come with us or leave is one of our tatics right now. I am at a loss how to motivate him to look for a job. He seems to always just know why he can't work here or there. Sometimes, it's just not knowing.

I mentioned that this gas station is hiring and he assumes he can't work there cause he isn't 21 and can't sell beer ect.

He hasn't been in there and doesn't even know if they carry ir. Or does he know if they would hire someone under 21 and work them with someone over 21. I know lately I been seeing more and more gas stations having more than one employee.

Yep. I labeled this man stuff cause I am sexist and believe men should take care of the car. My husband is either lazy or stupid about cars. I choose more to believe he is stupid when it comes to repairing even the small stuff.

We did get the much needed tires at this place that sells good used tires and he noticed something else wrong and said he would fix it on the side at a later date. It's tire rod related. All I know is I am glad the damn noise stopped. I am just happy it's simple repair and not something that will set us back much.

Tuesday we had an IEP meeting for Stephen. We made Alex get out or come with us. My husband feels that if we have to get out and do something then so should we.

Alex was sitting in the cold garage when we left. I swear he avoids us like we got a disease or something.

We left and came back about two hours later. I had to then take Stephen to a counseling appointment and when we get back it was 630 pm. Our meeting was at 230 and counseling was at 530p.

We decided to take a break of cooking and go out to dinner.

Alex was no where to be seen so we left without to eat dinner. We came back and got Stephen in bed about his normal bedtime.

Alex came home and when asked where he had been he said he was at the neighbor's house. This is the neighbor that is being his crutch and we are not happy about it. He has also gotten into some comprising situations with his neighbor who is a few years older than him.

Alex asked my husband for a ride and my husband gave in and Alex came home by our locking the door time. While my husband was out driving Alex, after dropping him off, he stopped at the store and bought some fruit.

He has the habit of buying in three's. 3 peaches, 3 oranges, 3 plums ect. My husband knows that I eat quite a bit of fruit in my new way of living off more of a well balanced diet.

The next day I pack my lunch and the 3 oranges are gone. This is not good. We were pissed and Alex got woke up and bitched at. I don't want my son to have an issue over eating food in our house. However, he ate 3 out of 3 of one thing. He chose to be gone during dinner time and missed out on a meal out. We rarely eat out as a family due to time contraints and money issues.

Even given the fact that he chose not to be home for dinner.. I wouldn't have really minded if he prepared a meal to the best of his ability. He could have made a couple PB&J sandwiches and had a peice of fruit but he chose to eat all 3 of one item.

It boils my blood how dispectful he is towards us and tends to avoid us as much as possible. We made him get up early today just like the rest of us and he ate breakfast at the counter with his butt towards the table instead of sitting with us.

We are debating having rules simliar to the shelter in our area. I don't want an household that is full of rage and what might seem like nit picking. I know when I talked to my friend about the 3 oranges it might have sounded petty. He did what? Ate 3 oranges!! Oh my call the police. LOL She didn't say that. I guess for me when we add up all the litthe things that seem petty it seems like a whole bunch of crap that is driving us crazy.

Sometimes, he acts as if he is dumb! I know he isn't dumb. He is very smart. But if he isn't dumb then he is being selfish and just cares about himself? I suppose the me me me thing is somewhat normal at this age.

advice please

I am thinking of telling my son really soon that starting the first of the month it will be a rule that he leaves the house say 3 or 4 days a week for job hunting. I would like to put a time frame on it.

Any advice to what would be a fair time or reasonable time to expect him to job hunt. Keep in mind he doesn't drive so if he plans on going to places other than in the neighborhood he will have bus time.

I think he needs to have plans on where he is going to go and make the most of it but applying for jobs that are in the same area. Not that all the jobs applied for should be bunched together but it would make sense if there are several business close to try for them all.

I really do think my son has the end goal of April 15th on his mind and thinks he has time. I would agree with this thinking if he was hunting and had a positive attitude that something will come up in his search.

However, I don't think he is searching. He is being plain lazy and is stuck in the mindset of me me me. He bitches when we ask him to carry groceries in and not taking the time to think that Mom doesn't really want to go shopping for the food.

Or when we ask him to empty the dishwasher he only does the dishes and leaves the pots and pans on the counter and the silverware in the washer. He says he didn't have time but they were in there all day.

These little things that he does and only does an half ass job and bitching is what is going to make it hard for him to get a job and keep a job. It makes me very sad to think about the future he will have if he doesn't learn what it takes to be a good employee.

My husband said isn't this idea what I tried to do and caught hell for.. I guess it's close to being the same but he has the bus pass and he will be getting notice and I figure we will set certain days so it's not a surprise to just get up and get the hell out.

Any advice on times and days would be appreciated. Or anything else anyone might suggest that we do to jump start his job searching.

Follow thru

I had wrote a long blog post about Alex and then quickly deleted and saved it for another time because I forgot to add something that had been on my mind.

I have to wonder if my words about my son come off to harsh. I do worry about my son someday reading my words and reading about only the negative stuff and I don't get my care and concern off good enough to see past all the negative talk.

I was talking to my best friend who has children pretty close to the same age as my kids and we both agree we suck at making on our promises when it comes to if you do this... this will happen.

If we don't come through with conquences then we are not doing any of our children any favors.

The other night Alex came in at midnight when is the time that we lock the doors on my work night. Alex said, when you are going to bed. I said, I do not know. Why? He says cause neighbor wants me to help him paint the house and if your not going to bed I can go back over there.

Other nights we have slacked and let it go and left the door unlocked. I admit that it's wrong to do this to Alex. We have to stick to what we say. Plus I have bad dreams. I basically told Alex he could go over to the neighbors but it was his risk if the door was going to be open or not. He choose to stay in.

Another thing we have going on and not sure what to do about it but it appears that Alex is always walking in the room when he is home and awake about every 10 minutes or 15 minutes. We almost feel like he is trying to catch us doing or hear our converstations. Or it honestly be that he can't sit still and his bored.

When we got to bed.. no matter the time.. Alex is always coming up to use the bathroom 5 to 10 minutes after we climb into bed. He even told me good night about an hour and half before we went to bed.

I don't know if it's odd timing and he is turning in about the same time as we do or there is something else going on.

My son does a lot of stupid lies and I will try to write about them. My reason isn't jsut to talk bad about him but maybe other people can tell me if this is typical or not. It's a lot of not taking responsibility even if it's just saying damn I screwed up.

Right now Alex is mad at his Dad. My children's father promised his little brother a drum set and that hasn't happened yet. I heard Alex trying to get Stephen to realize that his Dad has promised things again and again. And also pointed out that Dad bought himself an toy for himself. IPad or something.

I love how Alex is getting upset by seeing his Dad doing the same thing to his brother. Some people just never learn. Don't make promises to children. I guess it's similar to making a rule and not following through. So that's my goal to make sure I don't allow my rule to be broke. But my question my husband always asks me if he knocks on the door and he freezed to death is it our fault? and could you really refuse to open the door for your grown child when they are knocking?

Alex has been told that this would all end when he has a job and is paying his way.

In a little less than a month it's court time for child support adjustment. I can't help but see it as getting more money for my child. Even though my ex tried to tell me he is making minimum wage. I just don't believe it. I wasn't born yesterday.

How many of you would stay out a month or longer for about 8 an hour? Spend your whole days and nights in a truck? Sleep while the truck is moving? I am just not buying it.

I figure it can't get worse. No way is he going to actually get it reduced.

I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders knowing I moved forward with this court date. Life isn't always going to be easy and sometimes to get what my son needs I am going to have to tick off his Dad.

Not a whole lot going on here. Last night, my husband and I went out to dinner using a gift card that his daughter gave us for dinner out. I had asked Alex to babysit and he brushed me off so we made other plans and wouldn't allow him to be home nor did we feed him any dinner.

He went to his old neighbor and hung out with her. I am not sure if it was an punishment or not.

We are three months away from Alex moving day! I don't need any comments about my date being too far off. I know I needed a date that I could stick to and I can't imagine throwing him out in the cold.

My husband has mentioned to me that if Alex would just do more he could stay and it wouldn't be such an issue. I really don't agreee with that. My full time job and his full time job with limited pay can't support another stay at home housekeeper. The truth is so far we are scraping by but that's not the point. My time is just as valuble as his and if I have to make choices about work over family time and friend time then I expect the same out of him.

I am still working towards my 50 lb weight loss goal. I am 3 pounds away. I don't know what I will do when I hit it. Go for more or maintain it. I have been at this for almost a year. I think I am looking pretty well and I have never been skinny so not sure I am having the motivation to get there.

I love myfitnesspal. It makes logging recipes so easy. I made a couple pizzas and it was only 100 calories a slice. The next time I make it as long as I stick to the same things it's just a click and I can record it again.

Well, think I better get comfortable and ready to sleep. Tomorrow is my long day at work.

Busy day!

Today was a busy day for me. I woke up and got Stephen off to school and lazed on the couch for two hours.

I volunteered for about two hours. I was a little late due to needing to run to my clients to pick up time sheets that I had forgotten there.

There were three boys in the nursery all of different races. I like seeing the variety. I hope no one takes offence to me mentioning the majority of ME#LD I seen were of one race. I like seeing that people of all races fall hard on their luck and that this nursery is helping everyone. Not that ME%LD didn't. I just only seen one night out of three so chances are it was more evened out but not sure.

There was a new Mom of a young baby about two months signing up and left the baby with them. I didn't get the chance to play with her though. I made lunch and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards so it wasn't really actually too much playing with children. It was okay with me cause three boys are a little wild. There was an older gentleman about 60 or so volunteering too. He said, his wife kicked his butt off the couch. It's good to see men involved even if the wife gave him a swift kick in the butt. The nursery people said they like having men around to help take care of children too. I am sure they offer something that women can't provide and the other way around.

I didn't sign up for next week. I put down to come back two weeks from today. I am going to try that out for a while and they said they appreaciate any time that we can give even if it's ten minutes.

After volunteering, I picked up my best friend and we went out to lunch. She hasn't been well and I been busy. We really haven't seen each other since Xmas eve. It was really nice to catch up with her. My husband knows that when we get together that its going to be at least hours before we leave each other's company.

I made homemade children soup!! LoL I mean chicken. I recently started cooking my chicken in the crockpot instead of just on the stove. Stephen helped pick the meat off the chicken. He is good at that and loves to snack on the chicken.

Stepehn said no one said thanks for me doing the chicken.I said thank you but no one said thanks for me for cooking it. My husband said no one said thanks for me setting the table. The only one who didn't have anyone to say no one said thanks.. was alex. He didn't do anything. He did say no one said thanks for me putting the dishes away. (it's his job) I said maybe we would have said thanks if I had gotten the dishes from the cabinet. Ha! I think the therory what we were all trying to say is that we are always doing stuff and don't always get thanks.

Lastly, I went to the Y after dinner on my own and worked out for a little over an hour. Using my heart moniter I burned over 600 calories during my workouts on the four different things I did.

I think I will find me a little something to eat before I sleep and call it a night.

I haven't volunteered for the kids place in about 3 weeks. I missed a couple Mondays due to the holidays. (they close for them and only open if neeeded) I meant to come in the Friday at one of the holidays but I didn't think about how my son was home from school and didn't want to leave him to go be with other children. So I called and told them to mark me down for this Monday.

The truth is that my heart wants to be there weekly because I do enjoy it. However, my body says I am tired. I want to see friends. I want to hang with my family.. I work 6 days a week between my regular job and Sunday babysitting job. I spend about 6 hours a week at the Y so time is limited and valuable to me.

If money wasn't an issue. I would gladly trade in one work day for a volunteer day but that's not my reality. My goal was to sign up bi weekly anyways but I am always drawn to sign right back up for the next Monday.

One time when I skipped a Monday by not signing up or signed up for less hours. I don't remember to be exact.. The worker asked me if I was working more at my job? I am not working anymore than normal but I am tired. I always feel like they appreciate my time but the question did strike me as odd.

I think the big trick in life is trying to find the balance between family, work, me time and friends. I don't want any area that I mention to suffer so while volunteering is important I can't let it take a priority over any of the above.

Part of the club

I was having my lunch yesterday in the coffee shop that is in the retirement home and I couldn't help but hear a conversation between the head waitress and one of the customers. They were talking about the lack of a good mother daughter relationship that they each has/had with their Mother.

I couldn't help but comment and told them I was part of that club too. I told them I haven't had a good relationship with my Mom that even though I know it's missing I am not sure how to create one with my Mom.

I hope no one thought I was rude for jumping in but lately I get treated like an employee meaning they see me in there three times a week. I told the ladies how I have come to terms with the relationship at her level. I can have a superficial conversation but that's it.

I said it helps that I have a dear lady in my life that has known me off and on since I was in high school who has filled that role that I am missing. It's probably not quite the same as Mother and Daughter but it's the best I can describe it. We have spoken of each other as if we have adopted each other. I know some people don't like the word "adopted" to be used lightly and I apologize if that offends anyone.

Pam is the person that I can call and just feel the love and affection come from the phone. She is a person that when we get together and hug that the hug is for real. There is a real connection between us.

I made Pam a homemade Christmas card and sent it to her. She called me today to shamefully apologize for not calling sooner. I had been thinking about her and wondering why she hadn't called but I know some people travel so I knew she would call.

I find it ironic that she called the day after I was sharing part of my story with one stranger and one person who I see three times a week. It's because of Pam that I can accept and move on a lot easier with my relationship that I do have with my Mom.

If I feel the sting of rejection from my Mom.. I can just go to my happy place and remember the love that I get so easily from Pam. I can remember how inviting she is when I need someone to talk to or want to come visit.

I can think back on how excited and happy she was when I told her about my first face to face reunion with my daughter.

I can think back about all her soft spoken words of advice and admiration at all I have been through.

I can remember how I called her and asked to see her around Christmas time one year ago and told her I had a little something for her. The "little something" was to surprise her with my daughter. She was shocked! Amazed! Thrilled! to just name a few emotions she felt.

I remember how easily the three of us sat in her dining room and talked as if we all known each other for a long time. I know she was happy that day. I know I was really happy to show off my daughter to my mother like figure in my life.

The cat is out of the bag

My ex sent me a text asking about the letter I sent since he isn't home to get it.

I replied. "ajustment of child support"

He replied, "you might think I am making more money but I am not. I am making minumin wage.

I didn't respond.

He wrote again. "I get 11 cents a mile and it's not as much as you think"

I wrote, Well, "alex is 18 so we need to get that adjusted.

He wrote, " I figure since I am behind that I just leave it for a bit"

My husband and I did some research and the company is team driving and getting they are sharing 22 cents for every mile the truck is running. So yes he is getting 11 cents but that's for time the other driver is driving too.

There is a chance that he is right that he isn't making THAT much money but who in the right frame of a mind drives over the road for McDonald's income.

This shot is the jeans that are boot leg! Can someone tell me what the difference is cause I thought if any of them fit it would be these because I thought it meant it had wider legs. It was less tummy room.

size 12

I was given a gift card today from the church I babysit for on Sunday morning for Christmas. They just gave it to me today and that means that every person (meaning clients and church) gave me a gift of some sort.

I feel so honored to get thanked in this way. It's been unexpected but well received. I have used the majority of the money for myself.

Today I went to get me some towels because I am tired of my son stealing mine LOL I went with purple and there is no way they can think the purple one is his since all the rest of the towels tend to be white or tanish.

I got in the shopping mood and deciced to try on some jeasn. I been wearing size 14 since I was about 35 lbs down but didn't buy it until I was 37 lbs down.

I am now 46.5 lbs done and wanted to try on size 12. I took two different styles. One was book cut and the other was regular size 12 jeans. I really didn't think that it would fit but what the hell. The boot leg didn't button until I did it on just my hips and stuff my tummy inside. It didn't look too well. The size 12 regular actually pulled up and zipped well.

I couldn't hold back! I bought the jeans and the towels which was about double of the gift card but I just went for it. I love how my husband hasn't tried to hard to cut my spending. It's not that I been spending tons. This is only my second brand new pair since I was a size 20.

I got fitted and bought fancy bras that are actually the right size but all that came from gift money.

I owe all the thanks to myfitnesspal. It's been an eye opener and has really made a difference in my life. I been at this since feburary 12th. My goal was one pound per week and I think I am right on target with my goal. I am 3 and half pounds away from my 50 pound loss. Go me!!

It's in the mail

I sent the notice of the court day to my children's father yesterday. It's certified mail and they said that they would try to deliever it on Monday and told me what they do if it goes undelivered. I know he isn't home to get the papers but wondering if his wife will accept it for him.

I am thinking of sending one to his work too but gonna give it time to see if I get cussed out in the next few days.

I am hoping that he isn't smart enough to realize that I am asking for it to be increased. All it says is asking for an adjustment due to his new job.

I feel better knowing that I have made this step to get the raise in child support. I made the court date pretty far away so he have plenty of time to make arrangemens.

I know there is always the chance that he isn't making as much as I think but both my Dad and my current husband have drove a semi and say it's a pretty good income level job.

The date is set!

I did it! I went and filed in court to drop Alex from child support and to request an adjustment on the support based on his new job. I also put in an request for my X amount of dollars that he is behind.

The date is the middle of next month. I went with plenty of time so no excuses about him not being able to be there. I didn't send them off yet. I will do that tomorrow.

I took Alex with me and I got his bus pass for ten rides and he has a bus schedule. Plus I gave him the money his Grandma gave him for Christmas. I suggested he use it as spending money so in some of the places he applies in he can casually get a soda or whatever and check on his application.

He told me he isn't sleeping the best. Says it's kind of cold in the basement and he gets all wrapped up and wakes up sweating. I am not sure what do about all of that. One of my regrets in house shopping is sort of not finding a 3 bedroom house in my price range.

I am going to file with the courts tomorrow to ask the courts to adjust child support based on my child's father's new job. Also will be requesting arrangments to be made for the child support that is behind. The good news is that its policy that if he gets time off that they double up on child support to make up for the missing payment. The ironic part is that they told me this after not doing it and then did turn around and take 3 payments from one check. However, they are breaking the payments in half due to his job paying weekly compared to the old job bi weekly.
I am nervous about starting this battle again and praying he doesn't get a bring idea to try for custody of Stephen to avoid paying. I will not let that happen!! My son has never lived with his dad since he was 5 or so and has never done the back and forth and we are not going there.

Happy new year!!! I really don't make a big deal out of it anymore. When I was married to my first husband he liked to ring in the new year at a bar or midnight bowling and we could drink and catch a free ride home with the county. I really don't miss those days. Well, the cops are always hot to look at but other than that I am okay with doing nothing and sleeping before midnight if I feel like it.

It doesn't look like Alex has made any attempts to look for a job and my sister's boyfriend was questioning him about school and work and what are you going to do with your life. My son says he wants to be a counslor but admits he is lazy.

I have changed the times we will lock the doors for the night. It will be 11 pm all nights except for the three evenings I work late and am awake already. I know longer will stay awake to midnight so he can play. I am thinking of giving it a few weeks and making it ten pm. I am not in panic mode about the april deadline but close.

My husbnad doesn't think he will take us serious because we don't always follow thru with stuff. I suppose that's all of our faults. It's been such a challenge to bring him here and having him live 3 and half years living as his Dad's roommate to now a kid who is now actually an adult but without all the adult respsonsabilities.

My husband is suggesting that we soon only allow him to eat one meal a day. I don't know about that. Also what's to stop him from helping himself when we are asleep?

I am just so ready for him to be able to take care of himself. When I take care of Stephen's needs and wants I don't want to feel bad because Alex needs things. I am just very ready to take care of my youngest child and move on with my family of 3 or 4 but the 4th must be an helpful member of the family and not just out for a good time.

I think a lot of it is that Alex just wants to compare himself to Stephen and if Stephen gets that he should too. Hope that I can brag about his new job soon.

I have yet to give him a bus pass. I keep meaning to buy one on the same day I am in the area to petion the courts for a raise in child support and I keep stalling. It's the time I have to put into it and the stress of dealing with pissing of my ex.

It doesn't help Alex with the job searching that it's very cold here. But that can't be an excuse. Cold or not. People still need to earn a living and eat.