Wow!!! 3o followers! I would have never thought so many people would be interested in reading my story.  Thanks for all the support. 

I still can't share what's new in my life. Let's say it maybe something very good. I am excited and believe me when I am saying that it's driving me nuts not being able to share yet.  I went to church last night. It was a extra long service.  It was what I needed to keep my faith. 

I have to have Faith that this is going to work out right and to keep the negativity out of my mind. I have to have Faith that I will have the patience to sort through my issues. I have to have faith that I will make the right decisions on when and who I share my news with. Right now, it's been with Rb She was one of the first soon to be adoptive parents who showed interest and support as I have shared my story. I am so exited for her, because soon she will be a Mom to a little girl. I am grown as a person. I have healed some. I can find more joy for her than I used to be able when I first started following adoptive parents blog. That doesn't mean that I still don't take a moment and think of the hurt and sorrow that the birthmom will be going through. I like to think that my story affected the birthmom's life a little, because Rb knows adoption from a closed sitation by reading my story.  I have been able to share it with what's going with a couple people irl, but only if they have no connection to my family. I hope soon I can share more. 

I am a caregiver for the elderly. I do in home care and the business isn't good right now, but that's not the point. In my job, you don't always get to see other caregivers unless you get lucky enough to work for a client that has long days or 24 hour care.
When I was working the live in shift I worked with a couple other nice ladies. Since, the clients have taken a turn for the worse, we are all thrown out into new homes hoping to get enough hours.
When I was going through one of my darkest periods of my life, my coworker Pam suggested counseling at a local church. I never really got to tell her how things have turned around and how I feel that she played an important role in our life.
Yesterday, Pam was the co worker shift was ending and mine was beginning. It turns out this is her last shift and she is moving out of the state to be near one of her children. I was given the chance to tell her how her suggestion made a big difference in our life. How things have really turned around and how I go to church on a regular basis now. She was thrilled and as always talked about her faith in God. It was so nice to be able to say Thank you. I am not on the same page when it comes to faith in God. But I am in a much better place of mind then I used to be.

I maybe on to something really good. Wow!!! Is all I am going to say right now. 

Dear Izzy

Life can be so hard sometimes.  I really am missing you a lot these days.  Some people don't understand how I can love you. It's hard to explain myself. I don't know you at all. But I do love you. I love you just as much as I do my sons. 

The not knowing about how you are doing is just too much to bare. I wish I was able to know some of the little and big things about you. How well you do in school? Do you get along with your brother? Are you popular in school? Do you get good grades? Do things come to you easy or do you really have to work on it? Do you have a sense of direction? I wasn't born with one, but I was born with a bad sense of humor! Don't fall around me. I wish I was able to share the fun, silly things I did as a teenager with you.  Most of all, I wish I could tell you that I love you and I will always be there for you. There is nothing that you could say or do that would make me love you any less. 

hard day

Yesterday, was a hard day. My husband and I have really been discussing adoption and it's not much better from the past. I feel that he feels too much for the adoptive parents then he does for my case. I might explain later.
He did remind me that my daughter is grown now and I don't have to deal with her parents. Why not contact her. I came so close to sending her a message on Facebook, but I didn't do it. I want to do it, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think it's out of fear of rejection and maybe mostly just plain scared on the effect that would have on my daughter. Also all of the sudden her Mom has a facebook account too and I am probably reading too much into it. I told two of my family members about facebook page so my mind is wondering did it get back to them? Is her making a page and connecting it to her daughter a way of saying back off? I got to do what is right by Izzy and I don't if sending a message that way is right.

I am trying to take joy in the fact that I am starting to have some communication with my step daughter. I didn't raise her so there isn't any bonds that have us connected like in some step famlies. So far, I have just been the woman who married her Dad.
She is carrying a little girl and I am trying to use this baby to bring us closer together. Today, while at church, she sent me a text message thanking me again for the cute baby clothes. I haven't even given them to her yet, but blogged about them on my other blog. I feel as strong battle coming on to either let this baby girl be a happy moment or a sad moment. She can bring joy and happieness to my life or I can let her be a reminder of all lost. I can deal with boy babies but girl babies tear me up. I want to enjoy the moment of buying baby girl clothes and dolls and not be sad over my loss.

I have a crazy idea in my head. I want to buy another cute doll at the doll shop and give it to a little girl at church. I don't have any girl in mind. I want it to be someone who doesn't have much, but not so much that it's all they get for Christmas. I want to see them open it and enjoy the moment. I guess I say it's crazy, because I am broke. I am not working that much due to who knows what at my job. I can't always pay my bills on time, but I want to buy a doll for a stranger. Maybe I just want to experience something that was taken away from me. I want it back. I remember the first Christmas asking my aunt, if the adoptive parents would allow me to buy Izzy a teddy bear or a doll for Christmas and I was told no.

I often wonder about how much counsel do the women who walked into adoption agencies really get. Do they honestly tell them of their options and encourage them to speak to other people. I don't understand how someone who gains from them if they place can 100% give unbiased counsel. I think a lot of failed matches would be prevented if they made the women follow a few steps before they begin to contact people to adopt their child.
I think they should be encouraged to talk to other young, single moms if that's who they are. Also, they should talk to Birth parents who can share their experience. Granted not all are the same. I think they should seek out counsel from a church or some other counsel that won't gain or lose anything. Maybe even talk to a couple adoptive parents and see adoption from their side. I won't pretend to have all the answers on where or how to get people willing to extend their time for these women. But I believe if I was asked I would give up my time to share my story. But I don't think adoption agencies want them to know that 18 years later I still hurt.

I think the most important people they should talk to about considering adoption is their family. I regret not speaking up about my pregnancy and maybe things would have been different. But again, I go back to I believe my Mom would have forced an abortion on me so I did what I had to do to save the life of the baby. I would suggest be very clear to your family about adoption. I am not saying begging them for help, but if you tell them that you have been through all your options and you can't raise the baby for whatever reason. Then that gives them a chance to say ya know we could help. Maybe that's where matches get failed, because the family didn't really think they would go through with it and then when they find a couple it makes it so real.

Maybe some of these failed matches wouldn't have been matches in the first place. They would be women who considered adoption and decided to raise their child. Then, couples wouldn't have to go through all the hurt, anger, sadness over the loss of what they thought would be become their child.

I want to admit that I didn't use an agency. The adoption was done through an lawyer of the adoptive parents. So, I don't have personal experience, but my gut feelings on the process. Anyone who went through an agency maybe they can share more on what's really going on.

I forgot to look

I had my older son over for a while. On the way, back to his house. We were so busy in conversation that I actually forgot to look over at my daughter's house. ( she lives 1/2 mile or less from my son) I always look. I am not sure what I am hoping to see. There isn't much that you can see when you are going 45 mph down the road. I was pretty proud of myself. Sometimes, my mind is too much on what I don't have and not enough of what I do have.

award

Thanks Rb for nomination of this award.

Here are the rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

7 things you may not know about me..
1. We have lots of animals. 3 cats, 2 dogs, (black lab and a one eyed shitzu) 4 bunnies and fish
2 I am a caregiver for the elderly. Been doing that for almost three years now.
3. I didn't learn to drive until I was about 26 years of age.
4. I have two boys. Ages 14 and 9 I don't talk too much about them on here. My youngest son was once thought to have autism and had lots of intervention in the under three program. No one believes autism is his problem, but we still struggle with some stuff.
5. I like to watch creepy crime shows.
6.I have a doll collection and actually buy them clothes and change them. Sometimes I like to hold and admire them as if they were real. I am not crazy. It's all in fun.
7. I am afraid of the dark. (outdoors) Creepy bad creatures lurk in the night.

7 Kreativ bloggers I would like to nominate are:

1. Jen
2 Letters to Oliva
3 Love is not a fight.
4. Andrew's Daddies
5. Our adoption journey
6 From another Mother
7 Rebekah

I wanted to write more about the counseling. I know that I have said that Pastor K has said that Jesus died for our sins. I have never got the impression that he thought that having Izzy and placing her for adoption was a sin. I think since overall, in general, since he knew that I haven't had much education on the bible and church that it's just part of his thing.
If anything Pastor K reminds me that I did nothing wrong. I struggle with guilt, because I feel like I gave my child to strangers and with not really knowing much. He wants me to let go of the guilt. That it's not my fault. I was at the hands of my parents and adoption is what was pretty much forced one me. Sometimes I may mistake the issue of being told to pray over what worries me as the same as don't call me just pray. I know they aren't really meaning that, but sometimes I judge relationships and that's just who I am.

The adoption agency counsler is helping me see that some of my reactions to my daughter's family is just human. For example, I was angry that her face was on facebook for the world to see and not me. She pointed out aren't I doing the same thing with this blog? I put it out for the world to see, but really don't want those closest to me reading it.

She is always trying to help me steer me away from always blaming the parents. There is a lot of unknowns in my situation. She is trying to get me to understand that it might be Izzy who in uninterested at this point. It's just human nature to blame them I guess. She said that I just give off this impression that I will know my daughter some day. I do admit that I feel that I will know her. But I do understand that an reunion and a relationship is a two way street.

She asked me how ofte do I think her adoptive parents think of adoption? I don't have a clue. I would think probably less than me, because they are on the good side of adoption. I won't say that adoptive parents don't feel loss and have pain, but in the end, if you adopt, you have the prize. Birth parents just are left empty handed. So my question to adoptive parents or couples trying to adopt. How often do you think of adoption? Can you hear a story about adoption and not let your mind wonder to your own situation? I can't. But that doesn't mean that I get depressed. I just can't seperate the two.

Did I mention that my step daughter is having a baby? They think it's probably a girl. At first, when she announced she was pregnant, I got pretty depressed. Some old stuff came up. But now I am totally excited. I been buying her some gently used baby girl clothes. Soon to be Grandpa, said new Mom's don't like used clothes. What to you all think about used clothes?

I decided to join in the fun from Mcmama's not me Monday.
I didn't forget to send in my hours for the week. Nope not me. I didn't rest on the couch, after my client was sleeping, not me.

It's been about a month since Izzy's birthday and the sending of the card.
It's now been a year since I made the first attempt to send her parents a letter.
When I decided to send the card, I told myself not to expect anything. I can actually say that even though, I would have loved some contact that I am not upset. I can check the mail box without the hoping and dreaming. It's different this time. I didn't convince myself that they would write. So, I can say that I didn't hear back and I am okay with it.

Counseling

Tomorrow, I am meeting with the adoption agency counselor again. I haven't me with her since the day before my daughter's birthday. I have a lot of issues floating around in my head and things that I want to talk about. I have been getting counseling from the agency, for free, for a year now. Which is awesome, because I didn't even place through them. Most of the time, I think adoption agencies are all about the money, but I do have to see that they are not gaining a thing from me.

I started marriage counseling with a pastor of a church and then it became counseling just for me. I was able to speak more easily about my experience and learn more about God. After, a few sessions with them both, I have been kind of pushed just on his wife. Part of me doesn't mind, but there is a part of me that really thinks that they make a good team. Plus when I meet with him. I did that once. Or them both, we get to use a room in the church. There is something about the peaceful feeling from the church and also it's hard to really talk knowing that I might be airing my issues for all near us to hear.

The pastor and his wife both encouraged me to profess my need of God in my life. He said what I needed most was salvation. For almost any and every issue I bring up he could/would quote the bible to answer me. Also, I felt he was the man who really got what I was trying to say. He was so confident that life would get better if I follow God's word. Very quickly L (Wife) got all sweet and emotional with me. I get hugs when she sees me.

Stay with me. I really liked going to these guys, because I felt they really cared. They were interested in my needs and willing to help. I liked the fact that they weren't making money off of me.

When my daughter's birthday. Which was a topic that I talked about came and went without even a phone call from them. I began to second guess them. When not one single person called me on her birthday, it kind of circled back around to the shame and secretcy of it all. I was pretty hurt by the fact that they didn't call. I did run into them, in church, the Sunday after her birthday. They seemed thrilled that I had both of my kids. We sat near them and only spoke for a minute after the service.

After her birthday, I wanted to call them, but I also wanted to test them. I was asking do they really care? Are they only interested in me as long as I make all the contact. I decided to make the appointment with the adoption agency lady, because I didn't want to call her. I was testing them. I jave issues with one sided relationships/friendships.
A week ago today, I was at church and she called out to me. She asked when could we meet again. I told her that I would have to wait to see what I worked the next week. I told her that I could call on Saturday and give her my best times. I did that and got her voice mail. I left her a message with my best days. I didn't hear anything back.
Tonight, at church, I seen her, but basically didn't go up to her. Then, she came to me and asked why didn't I call. I said that I did and I left a message. She said that she didn't check the messages. What I don't get is that if your going to offer your services to people shouldn't you be more up on returning calls. I want to continue to learn about God and have her in my corner, but I don't want to beg. I have to again, see what I work and set something up with her.

I am not sure which counseling is more assistance to me. I feel the adoption agency counselor is more willing to really talk through the issues and help me process things and gives me encouragement for the future. She also is realistic in the fact that she doesn't sugar coat things and doesn't want to lead me on that I will have a happy ever after story about adoption reunion.

Pastor K and his wife L do a lot of quoting the bible. Some of it helps, but some of it doesn't. They want me to help get rid of all my guilt and remind me that my sins have been forgiven and someday I will reunite with my daughter. He says that if she is a Christian that I will get to be with her in Heaven. The If part is scary. They both have told me the best thing I can do for Izzy is to pray for her. Pray that God will place good people in her life. How can I have peace with that? God didn't magically come to my rescue. Or maybe we can say that he did, because I knew once I went into labor I couldn't deny her any longer. But, I was alone. No once came to my aid to save my daughter from separating from me. Last time, I met with L she said that this life on earth will feel so short once we are in heaven. That doesn't help me in knowing that my daughter is safe. If she is hurting for anytime, it's too much. Pastor K does seem to understand me. He says thinks like it's no wonder you live in fear and don't trust, because someone took the most precious thing from you. He wants me to break free of the fear and be more open and healing will come. I am not so sure of that.
I guess I will continue seeing both counselors as I feel I need to. I wish I felt more comfortable with L. It's not that I feel stressed with her. I just feel best with the both of them. But it's a lot to ask for when he is a marriage counselor and they have a family too.

I found a cool blog that is kind of funny. I enjoyed checking it out. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ I hope you do too. I came across this post and I am going to allow myself to dream that just maybe my daughter sent that it. I can dream right?