I erased my other blog. I didn't like it, but I think it's for the best. I believe I transferred most of the posts that cover my story. I didn't feel like copying every single post.
The only thing that I don't think I have covered is the fact that I wrote the adoptive parents a letter asking for a picture and little bits of information on what she is like and how she is doing. I prepared myself for the worst when I sent it out, but I hoped for the best. It never crossed my mind that they would totally just ignore me. I figure the worst they could say was no we don't want to give you a picture, and we don't want to talk to you. I didn't get that such reply. It's been over three months and nothing has came from them. I still check about every other week, but really have accepted that they won't write. I however can't stop checking, because the what if's. So by not writing me they have caused me more heart ache. Maybe heart ache is a strong choice of words. It's more about the disappointment that the people that are raising her seem to be so selfish. I guess they must have a lot of fear. I am sure there is the chance that something screw ball happened and they didn't get the letter. I really don't think that's the case though. The letter didn't come back to me. I suppose I won't find out, because I told them I wouldn't contact them again if they choose not to correspond with me.
There is a story in the Rockford Register Star about a adoption that was fought and the child went back and forth. My husband decides to read this story to me. Which causes my son to get Izzy's picture off the wall, and compare the two of us. My husband said you should see the most recent pictures of her. I don't know why he had to say that. I don't feel like it's in my sons best interest to have a idea on what she looks like, because they do live in the same area. I don't need him coming up to her.. Hey Izzy.. I am your brother. He is only 14 and doesn't always think things through. For right now, I just told him that I didn't have pictures on me.

Brittany

I mentioned earlier in my blog that my sister was pregnant at the same time, but no one really knew that my parents had two pregnant teenagers, because judging by my moms reaction to my sister's pregnancy I didn't tell anyone.
My sister had her baby, Brittany, 29 days before I had Ashley. Brittany was premature. I don't remember how many weeks, but I suspect at least a month early. If I remember right she weighed about 4 lbs. She required medical treatment before she came home.
Brittany was always a reminder of my daughter. They were so close in age. I was sad that they didn't get to grow up together as cousins. I was never angry towards Brittany or my sister, but other pregnant women and babies I didn't like. Brittany did remind me of what I lost though. A lot of things she was learning to do. Ashley was probably learning to do. I didn't see a whole lot of Brittany, but I enjoyed seeing her. I loved to buy her stuff when I could. Brittany's birthday has always been a reminder that Ashley's is coming up. Out of all 4 of my nieces hers in the easiest to remember. Sometimes I can't help but think of Ashley when I see Brittany. When Brittany was acting up as a teenager. It makes me wonder if my daughter raising hell? It even brings a smile to my face. lol Not that I want her to give her parents a hard time.

Do I ever wonder if Ashley's fate would have been different if there wasn't two babies in such a short time? Sometimes I do wonder? My sister got to keep Brittany, but had to live with our Dad. She was a year and half older than me. She had Brittany's Dad still in her life, even though he wasn't the best. Sometimes I look at my sister and Brittany and wonder how come I couldn't have kept Ashley? Does a year and half really make that big of a difference when it comes to being able to take care of a baby. I do wonder what would have happen if I told. But I am not upset with my sister or Brittany. Am I jealous of my sister? Sometimes I am. She was a young mother, and fought my Mom. She got to keep her baby, and I didn't fight our mom, and I lost my baby. Enough for now.

more transfers

On my way to the hospital, my Aunt Mary told me of this couple, who couldn't have kids, and they wanted to adopt, and that maybe they could adopt the baby, and sort of her her in the family. I met them both the day, Izzy was born. I am not going to mention their names. I didn't suddenly love them, but I didn't see nothing bad about them, and what can you really learn in a short visit.
I agreed that they could adopt her. Looking back on that time, I only knew their names, and that they lived in the same city, I did at the time. That they were friends of my aunts. Also they couldn't have kids. I imagined my daughter one day would go to the same middle school that I was in.
Some of my memories have faded, and I am not 100% sure of what was told to me by them. I am 100% sure that I asked them to leave her name as I named her, and they agreed. I know for fact they left her first name the same, but don't know about her middle name. I know they told me that she would know she was adopted, and if she wanted to know me, then they would let her. They really were not clear on if they meant if she was under age, or when she became legal age. I took it as if she was under age, and wanted to know me then they would allow it. I am about 95% sure they said they would give pictures through my Aunt Mary. I don't know if I only heard what I wanted to hear, and they didn't say that. They did however give one little picture of her, before the adoption was final. Which makes me think they did say they would send pictures. I am trying to let go of the anger about the lack of pictures, but it's not easy. The whole time I didn't have anyone looking out for me. My mom wasn't around, and my Dad never showed up at the hospital. I did have a social worker who kept asking are you sure you want to do this, but she never helped me find a way to do raise her.
As I mentioned on another post, that they were at the court house when I signed the tpr paperwork. The soon to be mom didn't make a big impression on me. She didn't make a bad impression on me either. I do remember that she has puffy hair, and I thought Ashley would stand out. The soon to be Dad made a better impression on me. I was crying and no one was coming to comfort me, and he gave me a hug, and just held me for a couple minutes. To this day, I don't know if he was hugging me to comfort me or because he was happy that he was getting a daughter. He made a lasting impression on me. That day it gave me some peace knowing she would have a great Dad. If I close my eyes I can see both of them.
About a month or so after she was born, my Aunt Mary took me to Bingo to get me out of the house. We ran into them. My aunt should have known better as this place was a place they all went. It was very weird, but not totally upsetting. They later on after the adoption moved away to another state to prevent accidental meetings. They thought it would be to weird. Those were my aunt's words many years ago. It was a little odd that she took me out of the house to escape my sadness, and to run into them. I remember thinking why weren't they home with her.
That ends my memories of how her parents came to be. I hope they have been great parents, and will continue to be. I hope they treated her good, and didn't talk about adoption as it is/was a dirty word. I only have my what ifs, because it's all I have been allowed to have. I was put under the rug, and I guess that's okay if that's what they felt like they needed to do. All I can hope for is that Izzy isn't under the rug too. Bye all.

Transfer from old blog

have mentioned that my Aunt was good friends with the couple that adopted my daughter. My Mom and us kids were living in her basement shortly after my baby was born. Her husband put up some walls, and we had our own private living space, but no kitchen and bathroom. It was better than staying in the motel room. It did however have it's disadvantages too though. My aunt was a constant reminder of where my baby girl went and she was pregnant too.
I have a few memories of my Aunt and Uncle trying to help me, but it always back fired. My Uncle would come downstairs. (that's where the washer and dryer was) He would find me crying and try to ask what was wrong. He didn't have much patience for me and would get upset with me because, I was causing too much trouble. How was I sitting in my living room causing trouble for them? I don't know. I do give him credit for trying to help, but he didn't know how to help.

My aunt once took me to play Bingo to get me out of the house. Boy did that ever back fire. We ran into Izzy's parents. What a shock. That didn't take my mind off of things, but she tried. It was poor planning on her part, because I am sure she knew that this was a hangout for them too.

When I first had Izzy, my aunt promised, she would take pictures of her, because they were friends. As a young teenager, I didn't know she didn't have the right to make that kind of promise to me.

In the 17 years, I have only gotten two pictures. One was before the adoption was final. As far as I know it was for me, but the second picture, from when she was a little older wasn't for me. I have been upset with her, because she didn't keep her word. It took me quite a long time to realize she didn't have the right to say she would give me pictures. Every so often, I would ask her to try again and the answer was always no. Up until the year, the last time I asked her to ask must have been around the year 2000 or so. That was when I had my second son. The answer she came back with was no and they said they are thinking of coming back to the state, but if she is going to cause trouble then we won't. I always felt like I was this evil person, because I asked for a picture. What kind of trouble am I causing by wanting to see a picture. Is it the reminder that they didn't bring her into this world bother them?

My husband asked her for me a few months ago. The answer was no. That she is well off, and wants to meet me when she is 18 years of age. I have no way if it's some sick game she plays to get us of her back. Then I resorted to writing the letter. Will post about that some other day.

As I have really done some thinking about the whole situation with my aunt. She isn't a person that I could ever have good feelings about anymore. There is too much anger. I will say this though. There is no way I can forgive her for telling me something that she knew better about promising. I am 32 years of age, and I know that I can't promise pictures of someone else's kid to someone else. With all that aside. I am willing to see how she really put herself in a bad spot. She made herself the middle man for a adoption. I don't see her the same way anymore. There is a good chance that Ashley's parents don't see her the same way anymore. She probably has felt really uncomfortable having to ask pictures for me, and feeling stuck in the middle. They might not be as good as friends as they were before the adoption.

I tried at first to keep in contact with my Aunt, because she was my connection to Izzy. It however became too painful, and I was just satisfied that my Mom was in contact with her. I just wished her parents had a little more trust in me, and know that I am not going to do anything to cause them trouble. All I really wanted was to be able to see my daughter grow from the sidelines. (Meaning pictures and little bits of information) Just wanted a little peace of mind. Is that really too much to ask for.
I once had to give away a dog. We moved and couldn't keep her anymore. It made me really sad. The people who took her for us let us come and visit the dog. We did that once and that was enough to sastify my need to see that she was being taken care of. If someone can adopt a dog, and show compassion, then how come parents that adopt can't show some compassion too.
This whole dog discussion is off the subject of adoption, but oh well. A little over a year ago, we bought our first house. I was able to get my dog of choice, because we had the space now. That is a black lab, her name is Ann. I think of her as my reward for buying my house.

I only have four more weeks left of school, so I may have to slow down on writing to focus on school work. Bye all.

grieving the loss of a baby?

Was I able to grieve the loss of my baby way back then? I was a ninth grader in school. I received six weeks off from school,but I was home schooled. I had support from the school. The crisis counselor arranged counseling for an agency to come see me at school.The school counselors checked up on me often. They were there for me when I found out the couple moved out of state. They let me sit in the class of the home school teacher, after I about attacked someone, because they yelled at me. I continued after I finished the 9Th grade, but I don't remember how much longer. I remember us meeting at McDonald's and me having to feel like I was hiding something when I went to counseling so I fired her. I told her that I didn't need her anymore.
The first year without my daughter, I did lots of trying to write letters to her and crying. I was yelled at on a couple occasions by a relative, because of my crying. He started off asking what's the matter to yelling at me, because I was causing trouble for his wife. These people were related to my Mom and that's where we ended up living shortly after Izzy was born.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't think birthmothers go through one grieving process. We grieve for every event the adoptive parents celebrate. When the adoptive parents are bragging about their child learning how to walk, deep down somewhere I was thinking how my daughter was probably walking by now and sad that I didn't see it happen. I got very sick that first year, I suffered from gall stones, and went without treatment, because no one would see past the depression that I must have from having to admit that I had a pregnancy and not raising a baby.
I no longer grieve the loss of that baby. I grieve that I wasn't there for her 17Th birthday party. I was driving my kids to their Dad's and the day after her birthday there were tons of cars at their house. I witnessed the love of friends and family by cars, but I was just a car on the road. We can't quit grieving. Just for the record.. I do drive past her parents house, but only to drop or pick up kids, because they live 1/2 mile away. I do look over there, but mostly I am no more than any other car on the road. I only go past there when I have to pick up or drop off kids.
Fast forward to the present. My older son goes to the same school that I went to when I was a 9Th grader. I haven't had the courage to walk those halls again. I don't know if I ever will. One thing that is weird is that I remember when my daughter was placed for adoption, I knew what city the aparents lived in. I thought well at least she will walk in the same halls that I once did. It wouldn't be till she was a 7Th grader. But ya know what, because they moved back, she did walk in the same halls as me. My son is walking in the same halls as Izzy did, and I can't even go back.
On a positive note, I was afraid that Izzy and my son would be at the same school next year. He would be a 9Th grader and she will a 12 grader. The school district has decided to make a 9Th grade campus, so the high school next year will only be 10Th through 12Th.
So I think yes I did grieve for the baby, but I am still grieving the loss of the young woman Izzy is becoming. I have missed everything.
I know that on all sides of adoption their is grief. When most adopt it's because they can't carry a baby to term. I can't begin to understand that. I have read that for some the grief of not being able to be pregnant and give birth disappears after you have a baby in your arms, and you take care of that baby as it grows up. For us birthparents we don't have a good alternative to our original problem.

Last weekend I met with a teacher that taught me when I was a teenager. I really love and respect her. The sound of her voice lifts my spirit. I have kept in contact with her off and one again though the years, but I admit mostly off again. I am not sure where a lady older than my Mom fits in my life. I sat with her for four hours. We can be friends, but I don't think it's the same as a friend my age. In a weird sense though, I felt more welcomed to talk to her about my life and my daughter. We talked about the adoption and other stuff. I didn't feel judged, but I do feel she was trying to give me some messages. One of the messages, I am not sure if it was general or she was speaking of me.
I spent a lot of time complaining about my anger issues concerning my Mom. Sometime during the talk, she mentioned that times have changed and people don't pay for the consequences of life anymore. She used the example of some drinking and driving or speeding, and using a lawyer and instead of getting a ticket, or going to jail the lawyer gets them off.
I got to thinking was she referring to me taking responsibility, because I got pregnant. Was it her way of saying that I shouldn't be mad at my Mom, because I had sex. She doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so I am wondering was that her way of saying, don't be mad at your Mom.
Another story she told me is that when she first bought her house 29 years ago, after they signed the papers, they found a lot of stuff wrong, so her husband suggests they go see a house parade. So they went to see lots of beautiful houses, and then came home to their broken house. She told him that the next time they take a tour of houses that she wants to go see the crappiest house, so her house feels like a castle. She said to appreciate what I have a husband and my boys. Was that her way of saying, you have two boys don't be upset. Although at the same time, she did say that when I need to cry, go in my bedroom and cry. I feel like it was a good visit, but if someone has 4 kids, and one dies would you say that you have three left.
The visit overall was really good. I plan on keeping her in my life. I wonder though if I had my Mom in my life would I seek her out. So maybe I am seeking a new Mom.

I spent quite a bit of time this past weekend away from my husband. I did a late night shopping trip, and spent time with a old friend, which he said is silly. I just wished he would understand that I am not him. He may think having a friend other than me and my Dad is silly, but hey it's what I like. I don't tell him it's silly to drink coffee or ramble on and on about his job. Okay today when he was complaining, I had him on speaker phone, and put the phone on the cat. Normally I would deal with his crap, just by listening, but I am tired of what I do being called silly, dumb or stupid. I look at it this way. I like having a medium size dog. Someone else might he happy with a lap dog. I wouldn't tell them that they have a wimpy dog.
Well so anyways, he thinks adoption is causing trouble in our marriage, and he does he call. He calls my Mom and has her on speaker phone. He tells her that he has some serious questions to ask her? He said, " What happened to the baby?" Why was she adopted" She said, "You will have to talk to your wife" He said, I have but I want your side of it. she said, " It was your wife's choice" I am thinking. lieing bitch but stay quiet.
she goes on to say how that "your wife didn't tell anyone that she was pregant until she was in labor and that it was because of rape" Okay she got me there, I did lie. So she goes on to say that she didn't see me pregnant because I was fat. Bitch again, I wasn't fat. she said " She wore big clothes to cover it. Okay got me there, but I wore the same shirt for 6 months, it was all that would fit me. Don't get gross it got washed.
So he says how did your sister's friends end up with the baby? she said, " they asked her" That is true and since adoption was pushed on me, I agreed to them. But he says why them? She said. "they couldn't have kids, treatments failed, and they hadn't had any luck finding a baby"
So he says, "I want to know where you are coming from.. how does it feel to not know your grandchildren.. This appears to be mistake on words, but more of the real truth, because she doesn't pay any attention to my kids. She said, how do you think it would make you feel? He said, I don't know. I don't have grandchildren.
She said, "Well you can't dwell on it for 18 years. fuck you Mom it's been 17 years. She then says that it don't bother her, because she knows how she went to a good home" Then she said, I am not going to talk to you anymore, and hung up.
I started to cry a little. Fuck you Mom.. You can't even take a little blame or say how maybe you made a mistake or maybe your a little sorry. Oh and we can't forget she said you can't force someone to give up a baby. the fuck you can't.
So yesterday at work, I wrote my Mom a really really mean letter. Do I send it? I really feel like doing it. I want her to hurt. I am afraid that it could cause me more harm than good. See if she talks and it gets back to Izzy's parents that I am angry and hurt and seem high maintance, then maybe they won't give their consent for her to meet me. In my state the adoptees and birthparents don't have a say until the child is 21 years of age.
Also at work, I worked quite a big on my scrap book. It gives me mostly pleasure, but when I was including a letter about my son to her than it hit me. Why can't my daughter already be his sister. Why if she had to be adopted to we have to live totally seperate lives. Why Why Why my biggest question to my Mom is how do you know she went to a good home? She made it sound like it was as casual as sending my dog off to a good home. Even that would make me cry.

My husband and I have been fighting about my coping methods and how he don't want Izzy in our life. He ask how come I come I am not yelling at my Mom and her sister and Todd. He is the birthfather. I am mad at my Mom and her sister, but I am not so sure if I am mad at Todd. That is a good question. That's a good question and I am going to have to think about it for a while. For a long time, I hoped I would never run into him since I didn't tell my first husband the whole truth. Now I wish I could run into him, but I got to really think about why I am not mad at him.

Note.. If anyone is reading this and my other blog and don't know that both of them are me, the case is that somethings I feel are better left said where I know my family don't have the links to. I am not sure if they are reading the other one. Anyone got any ideas how to call them out, without actually asking them.

Thanks

I just wanted to take a few minutes to Thank everyone that has been reading my blogs and comments on them. I appreciate the honest answers to my question about if I should attend my daughter's graduation. That's over a year away so I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will stay away. I most likely will stay away, but I can't be sure.
The rumors that my husband heard is that Izzy has permission to get a hold of me after she finishes high school, so just maybe... I will be asked to attend the graduation. After all the graduation is to celebrate finishing school. I know the chances of that happening is probably the same as searching for a needle in a haystack, but I can hope. I don't have respect and compassion, but I have hope. Again thanks to everyone who reads and comments.

I moved out of my Mom's when I was 18 years of age. Right away we got into a pattern of seeing my Mom meant that I made the effort. If I didn't make the effort to call or visit there wouldn't be any contact. I didn't get too visit too often, because of transportation issues. I have tested this out, and made it as far as six months.. I finally gave in and called.
I didn't think it was personal, but lately I am not so sure. I see how she is so much more into my younger sister and brother. At first I said it must be because they need her more. I think they needed to borrow money, or get rides. I on the other hand was older, and not so dependent on her.
In the last few months, I have decided not to have a relationship on her terms anymore. I admit that I have anger issues over the adoption of my daughter. I made the mistake of writing in my blog that I share with family how angry I was. So my Mom is aware of how I blame her. I don't put all the blame on her though.
So after my Mom drove over 12 hours for the second time in two years to see my older sister, I decided to not have call or see her. I was angry, she has only been to my house at the max of three times in 14 years, and I live 10 minutes away.
The day before Thanksgiving came and I had a small dinner, and my sister asked me did you tell Mom? I said no that " I am done having a relationship on her terms. I am not going to pretend for the holiday"She said how Mom was hurt, then she said something about how Mom saw what I wrote on my blog. We didn't get to talk about it, because of kids. (plus we have never talked about my daughter, I didn't know she knew until recently) So Thanksgiving passes and no phone call either way.
There was this day when my sister said Mom asked me to join them for lunch. I went and I wondered why can't she call me? I could feel the tension in the air. We have ran into each other at our local restaurant, and it's weird. We say hello and that's about it.
Christmas came and no phone calls were made either way. I admit that I tried to call her from my clients house. I didn't have her number in my cell phone. Also I admit that I changed companies and never gave her the new number. It's not hard to get though.
My brother and sister have both talked with my husband. They have asked him, if I am mad at Mom? They don't ask me. He tells them yes that I am mad at her. He tells them it's over the adoption and her ignoring me.
I think my Mom has a lot of guilt. I have wrote my Mom a letter, but haven't decided if I am going to send it to her. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will

• look like a cry baby
• look stuck in the past
• that my Mom will talk and things get twisted around... I feel like Izzy's parents have all the control and if they hear I am upset, that they might rethink of giving her permission to meet me.
• I am afraid that my brother and sisters will get upset with me for hurting our Mom.
• I am afraid that sending the letter won't fix anything. I can't get Izzy back. If my letter is about a lot of hurt over Izzy... Just because I send the letter isn't going to make me not hurt.
  
• I am afraid of discussing Izzy with my Mom. My mom hasn't mentioned the pregnancy or Izzy since the day I had to sign the paperwork. Even then we didn't discuss it. She just drove me.
• I am also afraid that the contact information the adoptive parents will use will be my Mom's. I am afraid out of anger or guilt she won't pass on the message or my address.
  

a little bit about Mom and Dad

They had four kids. 3 girls and 1 boy. They had two girls first. So we have girl1 and I am girl 2 and then the boy was born 8 years or so after the girl2 and then girl3 was born about 4 years after boy.
My Dad would say the craziest things right after he had all four kids.He would say girl1 is special, because she is my first, girl3 is special, because she is my baby, and boy well he is just my boy. I felt like saying hello... What about me? My Dad said stupid things and made mistakes, but he is in my life. He calls about once a week, and we see him either for soda or he stops by.
Dad and Mom divorced a long time ago. My relationship with Mom has been very unstable over the years. It was one sided. If I wanted to see Mom or talk to her, I had to make the effort. If I just didn't bother to call or go see her.. I didn't see or talk to her. She has only called a few times and only been to my place twice in all my adult years. At once time, I accepted this relationship. I have done experiments where I see how long I can not call or see her. I am trying to see if she would call. I have gone as long as six months and I am the one who gives in and calls. She has whined and cried to my Dad that girl2 don't call. Since girl3 and boy was living at home still, I didn't see a whole lot of them growing up after I moved when I was 19 years old.
The fact that my Mom didn't make any kind of effort to see or talk to really bugged me a lot. But I figured she was like that with all her kids. I didn't take it personal and continued to make the phone calls and invite myself over once in a great while. The last few holiday dinners at her house, sister3 asked me if I was going to Mom's. I was never really invited, or was it just assumed I would come for holidays. My mom hasn't seen a whole lot of my boys.
Well I will continue this at a later time.

I just had to go

I just had to go check the library for the updated year book. They finally had it in. So I look up my daughter's name and there is several pages with that name. There was a girl by the same name that graduated last year. That's part of what got me really thinking about her. Then there is a girl with the same name under her grade. How weird. Well anyways there was two pictures of Izzy. One with a activity she is in, and the other the normal 10Th grade picture. I show my husband and he said, "are you sure this is the right girl" She looks big. He then tells me that I am not that big. I say that, because I am not a small girl and could stand to lose some weight. I told him that yes I am sure it's the right girl. If you had seen the photo in color, you could see it more. I find myself defending her, because a close up picture always adds 10 pounds to you.
But my point is... I don't care if she is big... I don't care that it looks like she has some skin problems.... I don't see all that. She is beautiful!! She is perfect!! I seen that my daughter has teeth... In all the pictures none have showed her teeth, but now I see she has teeth. This sounds crazy being excited about seeing teeth, but the deal is that I have never seen her teeth. Part of me was excited about her not showing teeth when she smiles, because rarely will I show my teeth when I smile.
What really bugs me is that why can't I have a picture of her that isn't a photocopy. They don't bring out the features and I can't see the eye color. It's not something I can quite bring myself to do. Hey check out this... and show a photocopy of her. I so badly want to run with the yearbook,but I don't normally go around committing crimes.
Next year she should graduate from school. Am I crossing the line if I go watch?

I believe next school year my son will be at the same school as my daughter. He will be a 9Th grader and she should be a 12Th grader. My son knows about my daughter, but doesn't know details about her full name, only knows her first name. He doesn't know what she looks like, except from a really old picture. He doesn't know she lives about 1/2 mile from him. I don't tell him that he probably goes to school with her brother. I don't see any reason to tell him all this.
I do wonder next year, if I need to be a little more open. I don't have a clue really. What is the chance that the 9Th graders and 12Th graders will have a lot of contact. Will my son see someone that looks like me, and just know it's her. Do I want him always on the lookout for her, instead of worrying about school, and all the other silly stuff kids do. I think it would be cruel of me to tell him your sister, or Izzy who should have been your sister, is at your school. We aren't allowed to contact her.
There was some talk of having a 9Th grade class so that the high school can extend their school hours or something. If that happens then I have a little less to worry about. Part of me wishes that they go to the same school so that I have a excuse to buy the school's yearbook, and part of me wishes they don't go to the same school to spare my son of the odd chance of seeing her, and getting the shock of his life. Anyone got any advice or thoughts? Do you think boys are as good as girls at seeing the resemblance? Is honesty always the best if he ends of spending the year searching the crowds for her? Then what happens should he see her? Why does life got to be so hard?

So I noticed that my daughter and her parent's lived in our area. Not only was it out area, but by judging my the address, it looked like they lived close to where my ex husband and son live. I never officially took note of the address so I wasn't sure which house it was, but I had a general idea. I was driving by it every week to drop or pick up kids.
So I get my husband to ask the person who knows the adoptive parents if we can get a picture. He goes back a week later, and the answer was no. But she said that Izzy wants to meet you when she is 18 years of age.
So I get created and look at the most recent school district yearbooks at the library. There was two girls with my daughter's name. The first one I remember thinking no way could she be mine, and then the second girl, I was pretty sure. So I photocopied the picture and showed my husband and he couldn't be sure, but I was. I felt like I needed to get someone else to agree with me that the girl was mine. When I say mine, I mean as the girl I gave birth to. So I go back to the library, and asked to see more year books. This would be the junior high year books, and there she was. Between the two books there was five different pictures of her. When I showed my husband, he couldn't deny it. So Izzy did walk in the same halls as me. I wonder has she been in this area all along?
You would think having these photocopied pictures of Izzy would make me feel better right? I am happy that I now have a better idea of what she looks like. On the other end it makes my pain even deeper. Before I seen the pictures I knew that I was missing Izzy, but I didn't have a face to Izzy. Now it makes her so real. The other reason it makes me sad, because I wish I could show the pictures off. I feel as less of a person to bring photocopied pictures out to show someone my daughter. I feel as if I am admitting defeat, that I am a person who can't be trusted with a real picture of her. There is one more picture in the yearbook I haven't seen yet, because it wasn't out yet. I am having strong urges to go check again.
Moving this story along, I did eventually take note of the address and locate their house on the way to my ex husband's. They live in a nice house, no better or worse than mine, and it's a half mile from my exes husband's house.
We have actually seen Izzy getting in or out of her car. The Friday after her birthday, I seen lots of cars, what must have been a birthday party for her. My new husband, doesn't normally drive us there, has gotten better looks and he says oh yea that's her. All I do is drive by there because of where my ex lives, but I can't help from looking over there, but that is as far as it goes.
There is a good chance that my son and Izzy will be at the same school next year. She should be a senior and he will be a freshman. I don't know what the chances of them coming into contact with each other are, but I worry about it. My son knows if her, but hasn't seen the recent picture of her. We have talked about her, and he wants to meet her. I told him she is pretty easily going to be found, but refuse to give him any personal information on her? Am I right?
The latest news that I have heard is that Izzy has permission to contact me after she finishes school. From what I understand with the adoption laws, I can't make the first contact till she is 21 years of age. She has to have her parents permission. I feel like they have all the power, and Izzy and me have none. I don't mind waiting till she is finished with high school. It just bugs me that they have the power over her, even after she is old enough to marry.

I want to end this on a positive note. Two good things have happened this week. I am making a really good effort to watch what I eat, and to work out. The second good thing is that I picked up the phone and called my old math teacher Pam. She taught me math for a couple years, right after I had my daughter. She is wonderful. I have kept in contact with her off and on over the years. I told her in a letter about Izzy, but we have yet to really talk about it. She said she didn't know. We have a time set to see each other in a couple of weeks. I can't wait.

just talking

When I was 17 or 18 I ran into Todd. He found he at my place of employment. He had heard that I gave his daughter up for adoption. He was hurt. He said I was the second person to give up his children. I felt bad for him, but i refused to tell him any information about our daughter. I signed the tpr papers as father unknown, and was afraid he could fight to get her. She had been with her family for two or three years, and I didn't want her taken from them. I didn't know the laws, and I still don't know enough to know if he could have had a chance. So he went away very pissed. I was nervous, because I didn't tell my new boyfriend the truth about having a child. Then when I did tell him, I didn't tell him the whole truth. So I never really wanted to see him again, and hoped to never find him. I didn't think to ask him what his last name was. I just wanted to get away from him.

About six months or so I had a dream of Todd. I was telling him how sorry I was, because he never had the chance to be her Dad. It really got me thinking of him. Did he really know that I was pregnant and chose to do nothing? Was it a case of that we both moved and he never knew where I was? Was it a case of since I told nobody but him, that he didn't believe I was pregnant. But somewhere he learned that I had a child and figured it was his. I got to thinking how I still don't even know his last name. I don't know if he is still in our same state, and for once I am not mad at him anymore. I was mad at myself. What do I tell me daughter about her Dad? I know Dad isn't quit the right word, but you all know what I mean. It was love, but I don't remember his last name. See I told my family that I was raped, and no one questioned me on who raped me. So as of lately I been wondering has my daughter grown up thinking she is a product of rape? I really hope they didn't pass that information on.

So I was desperate to locate Todd, and I know this like searching for a needle in a haystack, but I was looking through the phone book. I know this is Crazy, but I was looking under all the guys with the first name of Todd and see if any of the last names rang a bell.

What I found next just blew me away. I found the last name of the couple who adoped Izzy, and then was bth of their first names. I about fell over. It can't be, because I was told that after the adoption was final they moved out of the state. So now I wonder did they ever really move? I remember thinking back when they adopted her that she would one day walk in the same school as I did, but they moved or did they really? Only time will tell me the truth.

I am trying to put my story here, but if you come across this blog, there is a good chance that you already read the beginning of my story. I don't feel like double posting all the details here. So to make a long story short.
My daughter was born in the fall of 1991. It was a private adoption, because a couple that a family member knew couldn't have kids. I agreed to have her adopted, before she was born, and I wasn't allowed to go back on it. I didn't really choose adoption, but my parents choose it for me. I met the couple, and remembered their names,and asked them to keep her (my daughter's name) the same. I am sure promises were made, but this ended up being a closed adoption. Because I know names, I do know more than most people. Will post more on that later.

my first love

I met my first love around the 7Th grade year, I can't pinpoint it, but I know it was before the school year ended. His name Was Todd and I believe he was about five years older than me. He lived in a small apartment with another guy, and didn't work. He never had any money. I am not sure how he managed to eat or survive, but he did. As a young girl, (too young to be with him) I didn't care that he didn't have money. He gave me attention, and I believed we had love. I thought I would be with him for a long time. Todd wasn't a trouble maker, but not making the right decisions about his life. I can't pinpoint how long we were together, but I remember right before the 8Th grade year, he was trying to break up with me. My heart was broken, I didn't not want to be in his life. I will never forget him telling me that I would be okay, that I would be around others my age. Later on in the years, I always wondered was he trying to break up with me, because he knew that it was wrong. Or was he just trying to take the easy way of breaking up with me. Or was it because his life wasn't going into a good spot. We didn't break up at this time.

Todd did end up moving though, but never told me why. I am guessing it had to do something with lack of money. Before he moved though, I remember standing in his apartment, telling him that I thought I was pregnant. He said no your not, and I said I think I am. He said again, "you will be okay. Soon after I believed he moved, and didn't tell me where he went. I only seen him when he chose to come by. My memory is fuzzy so I can't say how much longer I was in contact with him. I don't think it was very long, because I don't think I ever had the chance to say that I am for sure pregnant.

So I was pregnant and he was gone. I didn't even remember his last name, it was hard to spell. All I knew about him at the time was that he was adopted and didn't have a good relationship with his parents and what the name of his first love was. I remember being jealous, because I wanted to be his first love.

Sometime during my early part of the pregnancy my family moved, and I was no longer in contact with Todd. I don't know who officially left who. I don't know if Todd would have stepped up to the plate or continued to live in denial like me. I was in denial about my pregnancy. If I denied the pregnancy, I could deny that I was having a baby.

the split

Sometime during my 7th grade school year, my Mom kicked my Dad out. My Dad was very upset and didn’t want to go. I don’t recall being sad about him moving, but sad because he was so sad. I had never seen my Dad cry. In a way, I was happy that he was moving. I really thought he was darn right me. I still think he was a little mean, but overall I think he was just being a parent.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this is when things changed. We were no longer a two parent household. We didn’t have two parents trying to earn a living to support one household, and watch out after the four kids. Now we had my Dad away from home, and not always living in the best environment trying to support himself. I can't comment on if he was paying child support or not, it wasn't talked about. We had my Mom working two jobs, and relying on assistance for food and medical. There was no longer two parents at home to catch us kids when we were up to no good. Most of the time we didn’t have to sneak around, because there was no one home paying attention to us. Maybe we were doing the wrong things to get attention, but no one noticed. Sure we were going to my Dad’s sometimes, and he came around, and yelled if he saw boys hanging with his girls, but he wasn’t there in the day to day life. Either was my Mom, because she was working two jobs, and had a new boyfriend.

I spent 7th grade between two schools and probably skipped more than I went. I just couldn’t stand middle school. I never gave it a chance. I started skipping right away. I was young and who needed school anyways was my thoughts. Well enough for now.

growing up

My life growing up before middle school was pretty normal. My parents were married and we lived in a house they owned. Three out of four of their children were born while they were living in that house. I was the baby of the family for my first eight years. Most of my memories are playing with my older sister. Shortly after they had their 3rd child, a boy, they lost the house. We were never told why. Until this my schooling had been in one grade school. We walked to school mostly, because we were too close to be bussed.

5th grade was spent between two different schools, and another school for 6th grade. From what I could see everything was normal. Growing up my parents separated a few times, but I only have memory of two of them. Once when they got back together, and another when it was final. My sister Tiffany remembers more.

Most of my memories are from 12 and up, but the younger days memories are mostly with my sister. Also I thought my Dad was pretty mean. I am not saying he wasn’t mean, but as I get older, I wonder if I was wrong about him. My parents never talked to us about sex, or what to expect when it comes to getting a period. We used to spend some time with relatives, but these are people that my parents don’t talk to much, or perfer to not talk to. These people are referred to as crazy, but it’s funny these are the same people that my parents trusted to watch my sister and myself. By the time my brother Jeff came along, my sister and I were getting older, and not going to family anymore. Slowly we became to have to babysit here and there. I think the relatives were a little off the wall, and I am not really in contact with them, but on occasion I run into their kids.

Well when I have more time, I will continue to tell my story. Just want to give some background information.

I am my daughter’s Birthmother, it’s a closed adoption. She is 17 years old. Iwill refer to her as Izzy. I am married for the second time, my sons’ are from my first marriage. Tim is 14 years old, and Alex is 8 years old. My husband has two grown children named Jessica and Jerry. I will tell my story as I find the time to do it.